Chapter 23

Huminga ako nang malalim nang makatanggap ako ng tawag mula sa lobby at sinasabi na nandon si Zion. I really wanted to send him away. I felt like it had been a long day and I was ready to call it a day. Pero ayoko naman na isali pa sila ate roon. I felt like they already knew too much about my business—more than I'd want them to know.

Muli akong huminga nang malalim nang makarinig ako ng katok sa pinto. I opened the door and I expected to see Zion... but he was holding a paper bag.

"Sorry?" he said as he held on the bag close to his face. "I would've come here sooner, but I remembered that you haven't eaten yet, so I got food first."

Oh, fuck.

Seriously, Arielle?

He probably could murder someone and he'd just hand me a rose and I'd be like 'awwww.'

Ang lala ko.

When did this even start?!

"Fine..." I said as I opened the door wider.

He got in my condo, placed the paperbag on the counter, and removed his shoes. I didn't need to tell him what to do. It's like he's already used to this. Sabagay, ilang beses na rin naman siyang nakapunta dito dati.

"What?" I asked dahil nakatayo na lang siya roon at nakatingin sa akin.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"For?" I asked, my brow arched.

"Making you mad?"

"Because?"

"I talked to a girl?" parang hindi sigurado na sabi niya.

Umirap ako. "Did you seriously think that I'm mad because you talked to a girl? I am not that shallow, Zion."

"Okay..." he replied. "But... why are you so mad at me?" he asked.

"I already said why."

He slightly nodded his head. "Because I did not introduce you to the girl earlier," he said in a way that he was asking for my confirmation. I just stared at him. "Alright. I will introduce you to whoever I was talking to next time."

I gave out an exasperated sigh at saka tumalikod sa kanya.

"What?" he asked habang naramdaman ko na nakasunod siya sa akin.

"Nothing."

"Come on... I'm trying here."

"I know, but it's not like I was asking for the impossible here, Zion. What I was asking for are pretty normal things."

"I know."

"It just makes me think—" I said and then paused for a bit.

"Think of what?"

Umiling ako. "Nothing," I replied because I didn't want to say something that I knew I would regret at hindi ko na pwedeng bawiin pa once na nasabi ko na. "Let's just eat."

Kinuha ko iyong maliit na table ko sa kwarto at saka inilapag iyon sa may carpet. Zion was just standing there and looking at me. Ang awkward tuloy.

"Don't just stare at me," I told him. "Bring the food here and let's eat."

Akala ko ay may sasabihin pa siya, but he complied—silently at that, though. He was seating across me. He was just a meter away and his eyes were on my face. I felt conscious but I didn't want to point it out dahil alam ko na itatanong niya ulit iyong gusto kong sabihin kanina.

"What was it?" he asked.

"What was what?" I asked back, trying to feign innocence.

"What you were thinking," he said. "And don't say nothing," he added. "Come on now. I thought that at this stage, you could pretty much tell me anything."

"Can I, really?"

He nodded. "Sure you can."

"You won't get mad?"

"No."

"Promise?"

Bahagya siyang natawa. "I promise," he replied. "Do you want us to do pinky promise?" tanong niya at umirap ako.

Nagsimula akong buksan iyong laman nung paper bag habang naghahanap ng lakas ng loob para simula iyong sasabihin ko. Nang mailabas ko na lahat, wala na akong choice kung hindi magsalita. I mean, this should be fine, right? If the ultimate goal was for us to be together, dapat kumportable ako na sabihin sa kanya iyong gusto kong sabihin? Without the fear na magagalit siya? Because this wasn't like before na hookup lang. We're actually trying to end up with a relationship.

It's different now.

I should stop being so damn scared that I'd scare him away.

"It's just that I was asking for normal things that normal people should already know about," sabi ko sa kanya. "So it made me think that... you know? Why do I still have to specifically ask for those things? When you should already know them? It's like... why do I have to spell out basic decency for you?"

Nakatingin lang siya sa akin.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to have to say it..."

Umiling siya. "No, it's fine."

"But—"

"It's fine, really," he replied. "I guess you have to know me to understand me, right?" he asked while looking straight into my eyes. "Can I get some water first?"

Tumango ako at akmang tatayo para ikuha siya ng tubig nang sinabi niya na siya na. I watched as he stood up. I watched him with guilt. Hindi ko alam bakit ang bilis magpabago-bago ng emosyon ko pagdating sa kanya. It's like he has this weird control over me. I didn't even know why. We didn't even spend much time together before for him to have this kind of hold on me.

It's bizarre.

He handed me my glass of water before he sat in front of me. He looked rather uncomfortable. I felt bad. Ayoko rin kasi na pinipilit ako na magkwento tungkol sa personal na buhay ko. Siya rin naman ay walang masyadong alam tungkol sa buhay ko.

"You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm sorry I said that. I was just frustrated."

"No, I'll tell you," he replied. "And it's good that you said it. Some things I just can't bring up voluntarily, you know? I don't like talking about my personal life."

I nodded. "I understand. Just... tell me what you're comfortable with. You don't have to tell me everything."

"Okay," he said with a small smile. "Can we finish dinner first? I feel like this conversation should be done over a beer."

"Oh, right. Agreed," sagot ko sa kanya.

We ate dinner in silence. Patingin-tingin lang ako sa kanya habang tahimik siya na kumakain. Minsan nakakairita si Zion lalo na kapag may ginagawa siya na nabu-bwisit ako. Pero kapag ganito na tahimik lang siya? There's something about him that felt... I don't know... fragile? Na para bang gusto ko siyang alagaan?

It's really weird with him.

"Is this okay?" I asked kasi apple flavored beer lang ang meron ako.

"Yeah," he replied as he got the can from my hand.

Merong maliit na veranda sa may unit ko. Zion looked at me and asked, "Can I?"

I nodded at saka naglakad papunta roon. We were in the 14th floor. Hindi ganoon kababa, pero hindi rin ganoon kataas. Naririnig pa rin namin iyong tunog ng mga sasakyan, pero hindi ganoon kalakas. The view was nice, though. Kita namin iyong ilaw mula sa building ng Rockwell.

"My dad died when I was young and my mom couldn't be bother to raise me, really," he began.

Oh, fuck.

I was not prepared for this.

"I mean, I did think she tried... She just couldn't do it alone... Or that's what I like to tell myself because you know? It's better than telling yourself that your own mother just doesn't want to raise you," he continued.

Ni hindi ko mabuksan iyong inumin ko.

"Do you need help?' he asked, pertaining to my drink.

Gusto kong umiling dahil kaya ko namang buksan, but I didn't want to say a word. I didn't know what to say kaya naman tumango na lang ako at saka iniabot sa kanya iyong inumin.

"I basically grew up in the system. So, you're not totally off base when you said that I don't know how to act. No one really taught me, but that's not your fault. I should have known better. I promise I'm trying. Just give me more time."

Oh, fuck.

I fucked up.

"I'm sorry."

Natawa siya. "Why are you sorry? It's fine."

"I feel so insensitive."

"Not really. You didn't know that about me. It's not like I tell that to everyone I meet," he said.

"Still..."

He bumped his elbow against mine. "Hey, I didn't tell you that to guilt you. I told you that so you can understand me. But I know that it's not a free pass. I'll work on the list that you gave me."

Tumango lang ako, pero ramdam na ramdam ko pa rin iyong guilt. I had some questions in my head, but I didn't know how to begin to ask him. Pero para bang alam niya kung ano ang tumatakbo sa isip ko.

"Just ask them," he said after he took a sip of the beer. His one hand was on his beer and the other on the railing. Kung hindi lang ganito kabigat ang pinaguusapan namin, mas maaappreciate ko iyong view sa harap ko.

"Is this the reason why you can't make friends?" I asked.

"I think so," he replied. "I kind of bounced around, so it's hard to make friends when you know you'll leave sooner rather than later."

"I'm so sorry."

"No, it's fine," he said.

"It's not fine."

He grinned. "Are you worried about me?"

Umirap ako. "Now's not the time to flirt."

Humalakhak siya. "Sorry. Just don't like how serious the atmosphere is," he said. "But it's all in the past. I'm good now. I mean, I think I'm doing good now."

I looked at him and smiled. "You're doing very well now," I told him as I stared at him.

"Need to gain more weight, though. It's so fucking hard to eat."

I chose not to comment on that one. It's probably because he grew up in foster care. He probably had an undiagnosed eating disorder.

God, I felt so bad for him.

And so guilty for judging him rashly.

It's just weird... how looking at someone, you'd think that you have them all figured out. With Zion, I thought his life's easy with him looking like that. I mean, he makes a living by smiling for the camera. It's an easy life compared to most people. But I couldn't be more wrong. Tama talaga na you should not judge a book by its cover.

"You'll get there," I said instead.

"Thank you," he replied. "Still far from my goal, but I'm getting there."

"To be a runway model, right?"

He nodded. "You remembered."

"Of course, I did."

He grinned. "You really did like me before."

Umirap ako. "Shut up."

"Just admit it."

"I'll admit to nothing."

"Fine. I'll just assume it."

"Whatever."

We were staring at each other and then suddenly blurted out laughing. God, this felt nice.

"What?" I asked.

Umiling siya. "Nothing," he said. "You have any more question?"

"I don't wanna ask," sabi ko sa kanya. "I don't want you to feel like you're being interrogated."

"I don't feel that way," sabi niya. "I'd rather you ask me the question."

"Okay..." I said. "Do you have any contact with your mom?"

"No, not really," he replied. "Heard she got remarried to some rich guy. Good for her, really."

"Has she tried to contact you?"

"Not really."

Oh, damn it.

I just wanted to close the distance and to enclose him in my arms.

"Don't look at me like that," he said.

"Like what?"

"Like you pity me," he replied. "I don't need pity. And I hope that you don't treat me differently now just because you heard about what happened before. It's all in the past. I'm good now, really."

Tumango ako. "Okay."

"Thank you."

"Your mom must be very beautiful," I said. "I mean, at least physically," dugtong ko kasi alam ko na hindi maganda na basta niya na lang iniwan iyong anak niya.

"She is," he replied. "She used to be a model before she got knocked up. I mean, at the very least I should be thankful for the genes, right?" he added in a lighter tone.

"Is that why you want to become a model?"

"Kind of," he said. "There's this small part of my mind that wants to be famous enough that my face will be all over. That way, even if she doesn't want to see me, she'll be forced to see me. A bit weird, isn't it?"

Mabilis akong umiling. "No, not at all."

"It is," he said. "It is weird. Even I can admit that it's weird."

"I don't think it's weird," I told him. "It's very understandable. She abandoned you."

"Yeah, but she didn't really want to have me in the first place, you know? My dad promised her that he'll be the one to raise me but then he died. When I look at it from her perspective, I kind of understand why she did what she did. She probably felt trapped. Had to find a way out."

Hindi ako nagsalita. He's too understanding of his mom. But that's his mom. He'd probably always have a soft spot for her no matter what.

"But I don't want you to think that I'm saying this to get sympathy points," he said. "Just genuinely want to explain. I wasn't around a lot of people growing up. I kind of kept to myself. I'm still trying to get used to meeting people. Sometimes, I don't know how to act. Making friends is such a burden."

Nagtampo pa ako na naging close sila ni Nikki. I would never be jealous again. Nikki is a great friend. Kahit maging mag best friend pa sila, okay lang sa akin.

I looked at him and sighed. "I wanna hug you."

"Just hug?" he asked, grinning.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, just hug."

"Fine," he said as he grabbed my arm and pulled me close. Oh, god, this felt so comfortable. Just him and me in my fucking veranda. "I've never told anyone this. Kinda feels nice," he said and I nodded because yes, it definitely felt nice to feel like I'm finally getting to know the real him. 

**

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