Chapter 18

"What?" Nikki asked nang mahuli niya ako na nakatingin sa kanya.

"What?" I replied back, deflecting dahil guilty ako na nakatingin sa kanya.

"You're staring."

"I wasn't," I said. "May iniisip lang ako."

Her forehead was creased. "If you say so..." sabi niya tapos ay ibinalik niya iyong atensyon niya sa phone niya. Kanina pa siya may ka-text. Hinihintay namin si Gem na dumating kasi may brunch date kami ngayon.

I tried to divert my attention elsewhere. Kinuha ko rin iyong cellphone ko at naglaro na lang doon. I was starting to get into the game nang mapatingin ako kay Nikki dahil tumawa siya. I wanted to ask kung bakit siya natawa, but I consciously stopped myself. So what if tumawa siya? Hindi ko naman first time na makitang tumawa si Nikki.

I was being weird.

But then she laughed again.

"So... how was the party?" tanong ko dahil hindi ko na ma-contain iyong curiosity ko. Hindi naman niya alam na nakita ko sa IG story ni Erick iyong sa kanila ni Zion. Also, hindi naman siguro weird na magtanong ako sa kanya kasi in the first place, ako naman iyong humingi ng favor sa kanya. Natural lang naman na ma-curious ako.

"What party?" she asked.

"Iyong sinama mo si Zion," I said as casually as I possibly could habang hinahalo ko iyong straw nung inumin ko.

She arched her left eyebrow a bit. She looked at me and then shrugged. "It was fun."

"Because?"

"Of alcohol?"

"Uminom kayo?"

"I did," sabi niya. "Zion drove, so he has to stay sober."

"May sasakyan siya?"

"I let him drive my car."

"You let him drive your car?" I asked kasi parang hindi naman sila ganoon ka-close para hayaan niya si Zion na i-drive iyong sasakyan niya?

Nikki nodded. "He seems pretty responsible," sabi niya. "Besides, I told him if he even as much as put a dent in my car, I'd hound his freaking ass."

Tumango lang ako. Nikki arched her brow.

"Why are you suddenly curious? The last time we talked, you told me that I didn't have to update you kung ano ang ginagawa namin," she said.

"I know," sabi ko. "Just making small talk. Ang tagal ni Gem, e."

"If you say so," she replied with a small laughter.

"Whatever."

"I did introduce him to some people as promised," sabi ni Nikki.

"Okay."

"He was talking to some girls tho."

"Okay."

"You're not jealous."

"No. Bakit naman ako magseselos?"

Tumawa si Nikki. "Whatever you say, Pinocchio," sabi niya na naiiling tapos ay binalik iyong atensyon niya sa phone niya.

A few minutes passed at wala pa rin si Gem. Nasaan na ba iyong babae na 'yon! Siya nag-aya nito, e. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. I should've brought my laptop with me at nagtrabaho na lang ako kaysa kung anu-ano ang iniisip ko.

But then again, my intrusive thoughts won.

I went to see Zion's snapchat account and saw his snap score increasing.

Sino kaya ang ka-chat niya?

Si Nikki kaya?

Ano naman kaya ang pinaguusapan nila kung sila nga ang magkausap? It must be something fun dahil nakikita ko na natatawa si Nikki sa kung anuman ang binabasa niya sa phone niya.

Minsan talaga ayoko na lang magkaroon ng utak, e! Ito talaga iyong ignorance is bliss!

'Any new friends?' chat ko kay Zion. Fuck my self-control—it's basically non-existent at this point. Alam ko na hindi dapat ako maghintay sa reply niya. I did that before and that was not fun at all. I still did it anyway. And I made another mistake of looking at his snap score na muling tumaas ng dalawang beses.

He had to see that I messaged him.

Pero mas inuna niya pang magreply sa iba.

Si Nikki ba iyong kausap niya? Na una niyang nireplyan sa akin? Why was I a bit pissed?

The fuck was wrong with me!

Agad akong tumayo at kinuha ang gamit ko. Napatingin sa akin si Nikki. "Where are you going?"

"Work," I said. "May biglang pinapagawa sa akin," I continued at saka nagsorry ako at nagpaalam na aalis na ako bago pa man siya makapagtanong pa.

Habang naglalakad ako pabalik sa condo ay napagdesisyunan ko na burahin iyong snapchat app ko. I didn't want to remove or block Zion from my friends dahil magmumukha lang akong tanga. But I also didn't want to watch his snap score go up habang hindi siya nagrereply sa akin.

It was one thing that he's talking to someone else—more so kung si Nikki iyong kausap niya.

"Cancelled ba iyong dinner?" tanong ni Gem nang magkasalubong kami. Papunta siya sa resto habang pauwi ako. She was just asking me kung cancelled ba iyong dinner. Biglang nanlaki iyong mga mata niya habang nakatingin siya sa akin. "Uy, bakit ka umiiyak?! Okay lang ba parents mo?!"

Agad akong napahawak sa ilalim ng mga mata ko. Why the fuck was I crying!

"Wala," sabi ko habang pinupunasan ko iyon. "Napuwing lang ako."

Nakatingin sa akin si Gem. We had been friends for a long enough time for her to know that I was lying.

"Si Nikki?" she asked.

"Nandun na," sabi ko habang pinipilit na huminga nang maayos. Parang tanga kasi. Bakit ba ako umiiyak? Minsan na nga lang ako umiyak, sa walang kwentang dahilan pa!

"Iniwan mo?"

"May biglang kailangan akong gawin sa work."

"Tungkol ba 'to sa IG story ni Erick?" biglang tanong niya.

Pagak akong natawa. "What? Anong IG story?" pagmamaang-maangan ko. Pero walang silbi dahil nakatingin lang sa akin si Gem. "Ano ba'ng meron sa IG ni Erick?" I doubled down.

"You know I love you..."

"I know."

"Ano ba talaga ang gusto mo?"

"What?"

"I've been spending time with Erick. Minsan sinasama niya ako sa mga lakad nila. Friends si Fabian at Zion. Ayaw mo naman siguro maging babae na dahilan kung bakit nagkagalit iyong magkaibigan, 'di ba?"

Napaawang ang labi ko.

"Alam naman natin pareho kung sino iyong gusto mo," she said. "Just stop leading Fabian on kasi alam naman natin na si Zion talaga iyong gusto mo. Kaya nga ganyan iyong reaksyon mo dahil lang nakita mo si Nikki at Zion na magkasama," she continued. "Wag kang magalit sa akin, okay? Sinasabi ko sa 'yo 'to kasi kaibigan kita," she added.

"I know. It's just—"

"Hard? It is. Wala naman akong sinabi na madali. But you're stringing someone along while fully knowing who you really like. Ayaw mo kay Zion kasi red flag. Guess what? Red flag ka kay Fabian."

Hindi ako nakapagsalita.

"Zion's probably a little better kasi at least sinabi niya sa 'yo right from the beginning kung ano iyong real score. Si Fabian, walang ka-alam-alam," diretsong sabi niya. "Sorry ha. Kailangan mo na ng tough love, e. I know bago ka lang sa ganito; bago rin naman ako. But I know better."

I bit my lower lip as I struggled to even my breathing.

"Just think about it, okay? 'Wag mo nang patagalin. The sooner you do it, the quicker it'll all be over," she said. "Still, at the end of the day, choice mo pa rin naman 'yan. Basta ginawa ko na iyong part ko bilang mabuting kaibigan. Bahala ka na sa iba."

Tapos ay bigla niya akong niyakap at sinabihan na mahal niya ako tapos ay nagpaalam na pupuntahan niya na si Nikki dahil nagugutom na siya.

* * *

I didn't want to destroy Fabian's birthday, but I didn't want to lead him on any further. I tried to reply to his messages sa paraan na hindi niya mahahalata na may mali. Iyon na lang siguro iyong regalo ko sa kanya—na hindi ko sirain iyong birthday niya.

I like Zion.

I just really like him for some fucked up reason.

I hated a lot of things about him, but he has got me in chokehold and I could do nothing about that no matter how hard I tried.

Pero tama si Gem. Ayokong makasira ng pagkakaibigan. I would just do the decent thing and tell Fabian that it's not working out for me. Didistansya na lang ako sa kanya, sa kanila. I'd been fine being by myself for so long. What difference would it make once again?

"Are we good?" Nikki asked me nang magkasalubong kami sa parking nung club kung saan gaganapin iyong birthday ni Fabian.

"Oo naman," sabi ko na may maliit na ngiti.

"You're not replying to any of my messages."

"Dami lang ginawa sa work."

"Okay..."

"Kanina ka pa ba dito?"

"No. Just arrived."

"Ikaw lang?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Nothing," I said.

I had done a lot of thinking the past day. I would be the absolute worst human being kung magagalit ako kay Nikki dahil lang close sila ni Zion. Nikki's my best friend. She's been with me through thick and thin. And she did me a favor nung dinala niya si Zion sa party. Para lang akong tanga kung magagalit ako sa kanya dahil ginawa niya iyong bagay na ako mismo ang humiling na gawin niya.

She anchored her arm with mine. "I'm freaking starving," she said. "Had a shoot yesterday. I've only eaten salad the past 24 hours. I might collapse at any moment."

Natawa ako. "Wag ka muna uminom kung 'di ka pa pala kumakain."

"I'm definitely getting fries before I drink anything," she said tapos ay sabay kaming naglakad papasok.

Nikki knew a lot of people. Nag-hi siya sa mga iyon bago kami naupo sa couch. Then she excused herself para pumunta sa counter para bumili ng pagkain. Hindi na kasi siya makahintay na pumunta rito iyong waiter dahil gutum na gutom na raw talaga siya.

I was messaging with Fabian. He asked me to message him kung nandito na ako. I told him that I just arrived. He told me that he'll be there in a few minutes.

And then I saw him.

And then he saw me.

I felt my heart beating faster inside my chest.

Why the fuck did I want him so bad when my mind knew that he's bad for me? Were humans really wired that way? Na gustuhin iyong masama para sa 'yo? Iyong bawal?

Why was I so attracted to the uncertainties?

With the games that he's playing?

Zion gave me a small nod.

I did the same.

That was okay... right?

But I hated the small pang of jealousy that I felt in my chest nang makita ko kung saan siya pumunta. Nang lumapit siya sa lugar kung nasaan si Nikki. She was facing the bartender, probably placing an order nang lumapit doon si Zion at ilagay ang kamay niya sa likod ni Nikki. He whispered something in his ear at napalingon sa kanya si Nikki. It was probably something funny dahil nakita ko iyong pag-alog ng mga balikat ni Nikki. May inside jokes na ba sila? Kailan lang sila nagkasama sa party. Bakit parang ang close na nila?

God, I hated thinking about my best friend this way.

She didn't deserve this.

I was the fucking worst.

Pumunta ako sa labas at nagpahangin. I just wanted to go home. Gusto ko na lang matulog dahil kapag gising ako ay ito lang ang iisipin ko kahit na alam ko na wala naman silang kasalanan sa akin. Kasi tama naman si Gem na sa kahit na anong anggulo ko tignan, ako iyong red flag dito. Ako iyong may kasalanan. I created the trouble that I was in.

"Party's kind of a bust, right?"

Ni hindi ko kailangang tumingin sa kung kanino nanggaling iyong mga salitang iyon para malaman kung sino iyong nagsalita.

"I just needed some fresh air," I replied.

He stood beside me and held onto the railing. "So, any word on the birthday boy?"

"On his way," I said. "Had to finish some work."

He nodded. "You're telling him tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

"Guess I'll know tomorrow if I need to ask my manager to get me another place to live in," he said so casually but there was nothing casual about it. Kasi tama naman si Gem. Ayokong maging babae na nakasira sa pagkakaibigan.

"I won't tell him about us," I told him. "I'll just tell him that it's not working for me."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Why not what?"

"Tell him about us?"

"What's the point?" I asked.

"You told me you'll still date him if he's fine with you and me having a history," he replied. "What changed?"

"Nothing," I said as I held on to the railings tighter.

"You said you like him."

"I do."

"So, why end things with him?"

"Do I need to explain every decision I make to you?" mabilis na sagot ko sa kanya dahil ayoko na nandito siya sa tabi ko. He's just... so close yet so far away.

"No, but I'd like to hear," he said.

"Because he deserves so much better than me, okay? I got a lot of things on my mind right now. He doesn't deserve some half ass effort from me," I told him.

"Isn't that nice," he sarcastically said.

"What the fuck do you want from me?"

Nakatingin lang siya sa akin. I saw his jaw clenched. Why couldn't he just go back inside and talk and laugh with Nikki? Why did he have to go here and fuck with my mind once again?

Tapos ay narinig ko iyong sigawan nang mga tao sa loob.

"He's here," I told him. "I'll go back inside."

"Why can't it ever be that easy for me?" I heard him say, but I chose to ignore it because the two of us? It's just so much more complicated than it needed to be. 

**

This story is already at Chapter 24 on beeyotch.ph. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can email [email protected] for assistance if you want to pay via GCASH. As of the moment, credit and debit cards can be used directly when paying in the site :) Thank you!