Chapter 16

Fabian's busy with work, but he still managed to text me every now and then. He's in the beach, so I received a lot of topless photos from him. I was not complaining.

But the more nice he was to me, the more guilt it was that I was feeling. Kaya naman nakapagdesisyon na ako na pagkatapos ng birthday party niya ay sasabihin ko na sa kanya iyong sa amin ni Zion. Kaya na rin nag-aya ako ng dinner kasama sila Nikki para humingi ng tulong. I needed to do this right.

"I need help," bungad ko pag-alis nung waitress after namin umorder.

"About?" tanong ni Gem kaya naman nagsimula akong magkwento sa kanila tungkol sa nangyari nung party. Nanlaki iyong mga mata ni Gem kasabay ng pagkurot at paghampas niya sa akin habang kalmado naman si Nikki. If I didn't know her any better, I'd think that she's just her usual composed self. But I knew her. We've been friends for so long.

"You knew!" sabi ko sa kanya dahil sa itsura niya pa lang ay alam niya na na magkakilala sina Zion at Fabian! Worse, alam niya siguro na roommate!

"Knew what?" she asked with her brow arched.

"Na roommate sila."

"I didn't know that," she replied.

"Liar," I said.

"I know they're from the same agency and maybe friends, but I have no knowledge of their housing situation," parang gago na sabi ni Nikki.

I frowned at her. "You could've told me?"

"And what? Ruin the surprise?"

"Bitch," I said tapos natawa siya sa akin.

"Seriously, though," she replied. "I didn't tell you because I thought that once the name of Zion's mentioned, you'll avoid Fabian like a plague."

"Ang OA."

Gem nodded. "Agreed. Sobrang allergic mo kaya kay Zion."

"Ang OA niyong dalawa," sabi ko sa kanya.

"Remember nung isang beses na nasa Shang tayo tapos akala mo si Zion iyong kakadating lang? Halos magtago ka sa ilalim ng table?" kwento ni Gem na napairap na lang ako kasi totoo naman. In my defense, ayoko talaga makita si Zion dahil after 'yon nung basically i-reject niya ako at i-block ko siya sa Snapchat. Ayoko siyang makita. Sino ba ang gustong makita iyong tao na ni-reject siya?

"Besides, I heard nothing but good thing about Fabian," sabi ni Nikki. "Didn't want you rejecting him because of Zion."

"Sa tingin niyo talaga gagawin ko 'yon?" I asked and then nodded at the same time na para bang nag-practice silang dalawa. Was it really that bad? Na sa tingin nila ay kung nalaman ko noon na magkakilala sina Zion at Fabian ay agad akong iiwas kay Fabian?

"Oh, wow..."

"I didn't mean it as an offense—" Nikki said.

"I know," I replied, cutting her off bago pa niya isipin na minasama ko iyong sinabi niya. Nikki could be blunt at times, but I always knew that she meant well. I may be older than her, but when it came to... this? She's way ahead of me. I knew that she just didn't want me to fuck my life up.

"So, what will you do now?"

I sighed. "I need to tell him."

"You should," Nikki said.

"Paano mo sasabihin?" tanong ni Gem.

"Hindi ko alam. It feels like walang madaling way para sabihin sa kanya iyon..." Muli akong bumuntong-hininga. "It's not as if pwede kong sabihin sa kanya na 'hey, fubu nga pala kami before ng roommate mo' right? Ang gago lang."

Tumingin ako sa kanilang dalawa, naghihintay ng sasabihin nila kung paano ko sasabihin.

"Nikki?" I asked when a solid 30 seconds passed at wala silang sinabi sa akin.

"What?"

"Suggestion?"

"I say honesty is the best policy," sabi niya sa akin.

"Pero choose your words?" sabi ni Gem.

"I know naman," sagot ko. "It's just that... what are the right words, you know?"

"If Fabian's the nice guy that I heard he is, he'll be fine with it," sabi ni Nikki. "Just tell him the situation. That you and Zion had a thing, but that it didn't work out. And that you knew nothing about them knowing each other that's why you weren't able to say anything."

I nodded. "Okay... pero paano kapag tinanong niya kung bakit ang tagal bago ko nasabi?"

Nikki shrugged. "Why did it take so long nga ba?"

I sighed. "Kasi nakakahiya."

"Why?"

"Ewan ko."

"I mean, it did hurt you, but why is it embarrassing?" Nikki asked.

"I don't know. Kasi ni-reject niya ako?"

"So?"

"You don't know how it feels to be rejected," I told her.

"Yeah, because if it ever goes that way, I tell myself that I'm too good for them anyways. It's called delusion, babe," sabi niya kaya naman natawa ako. "But in all seriousness, you're an adult. You had consensual sexual relations with a guy that you liked. How is that embarrassing?"

Hindi ako nakapagsalita kasi may sense siya as always.

"Never be embarrassed about the things that make you happy, okay? Life's too short for that."

I sighed. "I know..." sabi ko. "But what if magbago ang tingin sa akin ni Fabian after ko sabihin?"

"Then you should ditch him."

"I mean, it's totally understandable if aayawan niya ako kasi alam mo 'yon? Nagka-something na kami ng roommate niya? It's weird kahit saang angle ko tignan."

Nakatingin lang sa akin si Nikki for an uncomfortable period of time.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing," she said. "I'm starting to get the feeling that you're already ready to give Fabian up. I don't wanna waste my breath."

Napaawang ang labi ko. "Grabe ka naman."

"What? Back me up," sabi niya kay Gem.

Tumingin ako kay Gem at tumango siya. "Labyu, okay? Pero para kasing ang dating, give up ka na kay Fabian ngayon pa lang. Na gumagawa ka na ng reason at jinu-justify mo na agad iyong pag-giveup mo."

"But—"

Pero hindi na ako nakapagsalita pa dahil dumating na iyong pagkain namin. Habang kumakain tuloy ako ay iyon lang ang iniisip ko. Was I sabotaging my thing with Fabian? Unconsciously so? Pero bakit? When I was consciously aware that he's good for me?

Dumiretso na ako sa condo after naming kumain. I thanked them for the talk. It was enlightening. I really love my friends. Dalawa man sila, pero at least alam ko na totoo sila. Dati, gusto ko ng maraming kaibigan kasi akala ko iyon iyong sukatan na masaya ka? Lalo na nung high school ako. Pero ngayon? Okay na ako sa dalawa pero alam ko na may pakielam talaga sa akin.

Sabi nga ni Nikki, find friends who will talk shit about you in front of you, never behind you.

Instead of working, I made a list of the talking points ng mga sasabihin ko kay Fabian. I just really needed to do this correctly. Contrary to what Nikki and Gem thought, I like Fabian and I wanted to make this work... It's just that I also couldn't blame him if he'll want to end things with me.

Iyon kasing kay Zion, pakiramdam ko ay wala akong nagawang mali kaya nasaktan ako talaga... Itong kay Fabian? I knew that I screwed up by not telling him and prolonging this. It would hurt, but I would understand it. Mas mahirap kasi iyong pakiramdam mo nawala ka namang ginawa na masama tapos bigla kang naiwan.

When I finished making the list, mayroon doong maliit na note sa ibaba na may posibilidad na mawalan ng kwarto si Zion o kaya naman ay maging awkward sa pagitan nila o kaya ay magalit si Fabian sa kanila.

Me: Zion

Napaawang ang labi ko nang makita ko na nabuksan niya agad iyong message ko.

Zion5200 is typing...

This fucking felt like deja vu.

Zion5200: Arielle

Zion5200: Also wow I graduated from the block list

Me: I'll be telling Fabian after his birthday

Zion5200: Okay

Me: Just giving you a head's up

Zion5200: Thanks?

Me: You're welcome?

Zion5200: Lol

Zion5200: What made you decide

Zion5200: I thought I'll be your dirty little secret for the rest of your life

Me: Shut up. You're the one who told me that it's a secret

Zion5200: I really did tell you that, didn't I

Me: You did

Zion5200: What else did I tell you

Me: Too many to type

Zion5200: Wanna tell me in person?

No.

Don't go there, Arielle.

Zion5200: I'll be going out to buy something anyway. Wanna walk with me?

Me: I'm dating your roommate

Zion5200: I know

Me: Stop this shit

Zion5200: What shit? I'm asking you to walk with me? Not to open your legs for me?

Me: You're unbelievable

Zion5200: Yet you're still replying

Zion5200: Think about that

Ito ata iyong sinasabi nila na red flag, pero bulag ako. Na red flag, pero flag pole ako. I used to shake my head at those girls dahil bakit sila willingly lalapit sa mga lalaki na alam nila na hindi mabuti sa kanila? Joke's on me because I was doing the same fucking thing despite all logic and rationality.

Me: Because you're an attention whore

Zion5200: Am I really

Me: You are

Zion5200: Hmm

Me: Whatever

Me: Just being a good samaritan. So don't be surprised if he gets mad at you or whatever.

Zion5200: You think he'll get mad?

Me: I don't know

Zion5200: If he did, his loss

Me: Shut up

Zion5200: Seriously

Zion5200: Do you like him

Hindi agad ako nakapagreply.

What do I tell him? And how do I tell him? It's just fucking weird all over to talk about the guy you're dating with the guy you used to sleep with. I was not that casual.

Me: Yes

He typed and then stopped. And then typed. And then stopped again. What the fuck was he typing that he kept on erasing?

Zion5200: Just tell him I told you not to tell him

Me: He'll be pissed at you

Zion5200: It's fine

Me: He'll probably kick you out

Zion5200: Let me worry about that lol

Zion5200: But is this you offering your place if I get kicked out

I left him on read

Zion5200: But seriously just throw me under the bus. I don't care

Zion5200: I know I'd been an ass towards you. Consider this as me making amends

Hindi pa rin ako makapagreply.

'It's been a long day at work. How's your day?' bigla kong na-receive na iMessage mula kay Fabian. 'But I'll be going to that 711 near you. Offer to walk with me still stands,' bigla kong natanggap na message mula sa snapchat galing kay Zion.

I briefly closed my eyes and drew a deep breath. Nagreply ako kay Fabian at hindi na nagreply kay Zion. I needed to consciously avoid Zion and to consciously and consistently choose Fabian.

I know who's good for me and that's Fabian—end of fucking discussion. 

**

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