I felt dead inside. My tongue felt dry. My throat felt as if someone thrust a handful of itching powder inside. My cheeks ached from the pain of trying to smile, the closest thing I had to a genuine smile for the past couple of hours. Sitting on the bloody velvet throne, embroidered with pure gold at the back of the ballroom, I watched Jungkook as he greeted and smiled at the occasional onlookers from the floor beneath the marble steps, sitting on the throne beside me. My nose scrunched a bit like the smell of wine and fresh pastries wandered through the room. My eyes lingered on the men and women dancing, laughing, and chatting in small groups. Inconsequent polite conversations hummed through the brightly lit room, hearing the clinking of wine glasses every so often in the grand ballroom. There were too many people in the room to count but I was the only one who sat alone, isolated with my menacing thoughts.

My heart felt heavy, this wave of emptiness washed over me as I longed for someone to talk to, someone who would listen. I felt so empty yet I was overflowing with emotions I couldn't even describe. The smallest things could have pushed me over the edge if I wanted them to.

What do you do when you're driving a nightmare that you couldn't even escape from, the only thing inside of you was pain and regret....I thought quietly.

Everything I was searching for only existed in my dreams... I dropped my head just a bit, picking at the golden nail polish layered over my nail, holding back the tears that threaten to fall.

How do you explain something you don't even understand?

..........

My dress shimmered under the light as his grip around my arm loosened, stepping past the grand wooden doors, out of Jin's piercing eyes. The classical music was only a faint echo as we walked across the glistening floor of the wedding reception hall. Guests were crowded around the foyer, gazing at our backs with emotions that I knew all too well. They didn't even bother to wear smiles that leaked of jealousy or annoyance but show it directly through their eyes. But it was almost over. The night was almost over. I would have never thought I would miss my old life so bad. At least in the past, I didn't have to feel like Alice in Wonderland, falling into an endless black hole, trying to grasp at something, anything... but only ended up with empty hands.

Watching my dress dance around me as I walked, my head hung low. I was tired. So fucking tired of this stupid game. I didn't want to be here anymore, I wanted to turn back time. I wanted to be in mama's arms, to feel the warmth of the only person that loved me. I wanted her. I needed her. But I knew not even a million words would bring her back, because I tried. Neither would a million tears, I know because I cried. I cried for twelve years for her but she never showed up when I needed her most, she left me and failed to take me with her.

Walking down the large concrete steps which held a strip of a red fuzzy carpet, the same hue of the summer's deepest rose petals marking our path. A creamy vanilla Rolls-Royce awaited at the end of the steps in the setting heat of the late night. Jungkook untangled his arm from mine, making the warmth on the side of me disappear as he opened the passenger door. I try my best to slide in praying that I won't fall on my dress. I tucked the delicate pieces of fabric from my wedding dress inside the car before Jungkook could slam the door on it. He waved at the crowd, bidding his farewell as he walked over to the other side, slipping inside with ease. He pressed on the gas, making the engine roar back to life, eager to disappear from the piercing eyes of the guests.

The fake smile that was plastered on his face had vanished, along with the warmth in his eyes as we turned the block. The silence that had erupted inside the car was prodding at me, I tried to close my eyes but all I could envision was the fake smile printed on Jungkook's lips. He held that smile for hours, fooling everyone in the room, at points I would be one of them. I wonder how long it took for him to master it? What world he was hiding under that heart melting look? What I really meant was how many deaths were masked behind his perfectly lined teeth?

I sat in the passenger seat, fidgeting with the ring on my finger, absorbing the cold silence and the numbing tension. I still couldn't cope with the fact that I was married. The only way I could prove this marriage was real was with this silver ring on my finger and the papers I signed a few hours ago. I didn't want to get married. I never did. I was only seventeen...I wanted to have a life like any other teenager. But I wasn't like any other teenager. As much as I didn't want to admit it, it was the truth... How much longer could I keep it a secret?

I was dumbfounded in my thoughts. I married someone who hated me as much as I hated him. A stranger, a stranger that I never met before in my life. The only thing I knew was his name and that he was a criminal just like my father. I gazed out the window, watching the autumnal leaves on the trees blur together as we drove deeper into the meadow. I let out a deep sigh. I wanted to let my tears roll down my cheeks but not here, not in front of him. Darkness seeped inside of me as it tore at my world, dulling it piece by piece. I had a feeling this is how it would be from now on, cold and silent.

The car came to a halt, and I realized we were in front of Jungkook's home. I batted my eyes in disbelief looking out the tinted windows, pinching myself if this was really real or maybe I was hallucinating? The building wasn't just a mansion but a megamansion with two pillars that never see the end, placed on both sides of the crescending granite steps in front of the grand glass doors. The ashy colored shingled seemed lighter under the bright moonlight. While the cream coating of paint on the walls shined from the reflection of the small lights from the enormous water fountain. The roof peaked, slanting down at an angle. Even though it seemed to be a modern mansion, it could easily replicate a castle with windows lining the white stone buildings. The windows had deep royal purple curtains hanging from the inside, blocking the view inside of the house. A pitch-black bogarie sat in front of the three-car garage on the side of the house, uniquely twisted fencing kept the house enclosed while neatly trimmed hedges surrounding the mansion. It was placed in a meadow, in the middle of nowhere, fenced off from the world. Eight families could settle down easily without even noticing each other in this mansion.

Jungkook ignored my presence as he got out of the car and walked over to the front doors of the mansion, not even bothering to open the door for me. What a gentleman! I puffed under my breath. I stepped out from the Rolls Royce, gaping at the mansion towering over me as if attempting to intimidate me. A canopy stretched over me that was connected from the main doors to the courtyard in the front where the marble fountain sat towards the right side of the lawn, surrounded by fresh flower beds. An angel holding a flower was perched on top, looking up towards the sky. Water spurted from its other hand, which lay gently out in front of it as if waiting for someone to take it in return. The water fell gently towards the crystal blue pool beneath it, causing ripples to form and wave out until they were no more.

I hurriedly walked up the steps after him, holding onto my dress, even though most of my gaze was blocked off by his broad shoulders. The building was made of an old-style, but you could see it was just for show because the whole building was gleaming like it was newly built. He pressed his finger against a small square beside the glass door, resembling a doorbell. Instead, the small patch allowed a dim yellow light as the white button turned blue, scanning his skinny finger. Hearing a small chime, the door slid open automatically with ease.

The black and white linoleum floor of the entrance glowed. Stairs lay across the room, climbing toward the ceiling. A doorway was on either side of the room, one admitted into the kitchen, the other into the living room. The walls were a dark blue with silver brush swipes crossing over them, creating a shimmer effect. The furniture that was set was made of dark and cold hues, setting a chilling atmosphere through the building, just like him. There wasn't a speck of dirt! The ravishing furniture made from probably the finest materials sparkled under the chandelier blazing lights. But it was too perfect, almost like it was untouched, uninhabitable. The place was filled with priceless objects yet it felt so empty and depressing just standing in the middle of the room like no one even lived here. I wondered if this place was only his? Didn't he ever get lonely?

"Aren't you coming?" My attention was snapped back to Jungkook who was already standing in the middle of the silver winding staircase, leaning on thin black railing.  

"What? Did you say something?"

"Do you wanna see where you sleep or what?" He puffed out, clearly annoyed.

"Ah yeah."

He turned his back on me, indicating for me to follow his lead as he walked up the gigantic staircase to the second floor. At the top of the stairs laid a small circular room that led into three different halls, one to the south wing of the building and the other two to the north and east wings. The room was designed as a lounge, with two broad fish tanks running down on opposite sides of the walls, filled with fish of every color I could have imagined. The tanks reminded me of the ocean as they stretched from the floor to the ceiling, the water glowing with the white strips of light around the edges of where the wall and ceiling met. A set of leather sofas sat in the middle of the room, thin pieces of gold strap outlined the deep black sofas, matching the coffee table in the middle. The chandelier was made out of five ovals linked together to resemble chains, encrusted with pure diamonds. But the room was no different from the foyer. Cold and lonely.

I trailed closely behind him, afraid I would somehow get lost if I wasn't paying attention. Making our way through the dimly lit halls, my heels clicked against the wooden floor as my feet throbbed inside of my shoes, begging to be set free. I didn't understand how this place could be considered a house, it seemed more of a maze than anything. We had already walked through three different halls which all looked identical to each other, one to the right and two to the left. I mentally noted it down so I would at least have some hope of making it out of this jungle of a maze alive tomorrow.

"Here's the room," He pointed towards a closed white door beside me, with a golden frame against the creamy colored walls. I ignored his words, brushing past his shoulder, opening the bedroom door. I wanted to get away from him as soon as possible, now that I didn't have to put up an act infront of all thoses beady eyes. The thought just sent a shiver down my back.

My jaw dropped. It was beautiful! The room was split in half by a wall made from water which glowed a delicate gold. The first half of the room was composed of two identical off-white lounge sofas with matching white and gold pillows. It was paired with a tall, thin white lamp and a small side table at the foot of the lounge sofas, with a glass pot drenched in crystal roses. In the middle of the room, under the chandelier that was made of small crystals that looked like raindrops, laid a white coffee table with metal legs crossing over one another. Behind it was two golden-colored cubed furry pillows which matched with the throw on the love seat in between the lounge sofas. In the corner of the left wall hung a marble and gold art piece. Beside the water wall, a small dresser was underneath it, while the right hand had a floor-length mirror with an elegant handmade golden frame. 

Past the waterfall, was a bed that belonged in the palaces of Rome with wide, glossed steps leading to a circular bed, surrounded with silky drapes falling from the ceiling. There were two cylindrical columns made from gold that matched the back wall designed with roses carved out. The ceiling had the same circular design as the other half with two circles in each other, finished off with the raindrop chandelier. In the back left corner was a swerve leather sofa that belonged somewhere in a palace while a clear chair was tucked into a glass desk finished off with an iMac on top on the right.

I couldn't believe that all of this was mine. The room was big enough to be a basketball court! I fell back onto the huge soft bed, drowning in the airy covers. I closed my eyes from exhaustion, wanting to drift into a deep sleep but I pulled myself away from the bewitching mattress, having the need to get out of this itching gown. Sitting on the mattress made me feel even more exhausted, my throat tightened, and a short intake of breath forecast the explosion of emotions that I kept bottled up, burying it deep inside. I just wanted to lie in bed and cry myself to sleep, drowning in my sorrows. All the tears I had been holding started to wash over me. But before I could let them fall, I needed him gone from my room so I could let myself be swallowed by the unbearable darkness in a comforting peace.

"You can leave now," I said but Jungkook ignored my words and walked farther into the room. My eyes trailed behind him as he walked over to one of the chairs facing the head of the bed. He turned his back at me, took off his blazer, and began unbuttoning his shirt.

"What are you doing, you pervert! Get out of my room!" I said as I threw a pillow at his back. He turned around with an infuriated look engraved on his face. My gaze drifted to his bare chest which was in full view, I quickly covered my eyes in complete disgust.

"Your room?" He raised an eyebrow at my remark.

"Yes, MY room. Now get going before I kick you out!" I said in a stern tone causing him to scoff in return.

"Like it or not, this is our room." I moved my hands away from my face so I could meet his eyes. But there was no light nor kindness in them. They were dead, just like his fathers.

"What? You're joking, right? This place is huge. It's like a mall for god sake! There are so many rooms! Why do we have to share a room!?" The anger was streaming through my words. I didn't care. I was exhausted from having everything ripped away from me, I thought I could at least be allowed to have a place where I could just let go....

"Look, stop acting like a child. Do you really think I'm desperate to sleep with you?" His eyes marked me as they trailed my body head to toe.

"I have much better options." He finally said as he sat down on the chair behind him, rubbing his throbbing temple.

"Then why can't I have my own room? Don't you think I deserve that much? I gave up my dreams so I can act along with your stupid games! Your fucking father ripped away everything from me so you can wear that pathetic crown on your head! How does it finally feel, your majesty? You really are your fathers so-" He jolted up his hand high in the air making me flinch, shutting my eyes tight. I waited to feel his palm against my skin, to feel that familiar sting aching on my skin.

My breath hitched in my throat as I heard the sound of glass shatter against the floor. The noise echoed through the room. I slowly peaked my eyes open. My breathing escalated as pieces of glass from the sculpture that was sitting on the table between the chairs were now scattered along the floor. It shimmered against the light of the waterfall, almost looking like raindrops that fell from the sky. I looked up to meet Jungkook's raging eyes, the fire that burned in them made my heart clench in fear.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, WILL YOU!?" His words were like thunder as it boomed through the room. His stare was like lightning as it made your life flash before your eyes.

"Do you really want rumors to go around on why we aren't sleeping in the same room from the guards and maids? Do you want the circle to question this stupid marriage!?" His husky whisper rang in my ears. He walked through the sharp daggers of glass on the floor like it was nothing, closing the distance between us.

"I didn't agree to this because I love you Elyna, so don't even try to guilt me with your pity life. You made your decision so don't fucking blame me for anything!" He spat out as his voice began to escalate from a rasped whisper.

"Don't be like those idiots who actually believe every word I say. I don't love you and I'm not planning on any time soon either. This is not real, and it will never be. Got it?"His finger wagged in the small space between us, his breath stung a bit from the alcohol.

"I'm only dealing with you so I don't end up dead....Never mistake it for anything else."Jungkook brushed past my shoulder with enough force that my body was caught off balance. He walked into the master bathroom, closing the door behind him.

My legs felt weak, too heavy to keep my body standing up. I lost feeling in my legs as I fell onto the ground. It was addicting, the tears, the pain, the sense of relief as I let my nose sting, telling me the storm was coming. My body quivered as I sat in the mess of glass. I could feel it prodding at my skin, but the heaviness in my heart felt like lead, numbing the pain.

Sometimes I wonder if my heart is like a black hole? It's so dense that there is no room for light. But that doesn't mean it can't still suck me in. There's only so much pain I can tolerate, so many times I can bleed and fall down, things I can hide, paint smiles that don't mean anything, holding my breath for days to come. But I'm human too.... Why does everyone refuse to understand that? 

≈ Flash back ≈

My stomach snarled and howled, forming a not-so-subtle undertone of pain. The pain came in waves, and it seemed as though my stomach was slowly digesting itself. I clutched at it, pulling it this way and that in an attempt to silence it but to no avail. I haven't eaten for the past five days, in a way of protesting of being held captive in this stupid room. The food that was placed before me was from lunch, yet it made my mouth salivate. I stared at the fresh pasta dripping with warm, melting cheese with bits of grilled meat, engulfing the whole room with a mouth-watering smell. A cold glass of ginger ale sat on the silver tray, a bowl of freshly picked strawberries and a large slice of cheesecake accompanying it.

I looked out the only window, which made up half of one of the walls in the room, forcing myself to watch the sunset, trying to distract myself from the unbearable hunger. But it only made my stomach cry even louder than before. I let out a groan as I flopped back on the bed, holding my stomach, curling up into a tight ball. It was a slow pain, eating away at my stomach and leaving me feeling drained and empty.

"Why don't you take a bite? I swear it's not poisoned. After all, why would I do that to my daughter in law?" My body stiffened at the sound of Jin's voice. I jolted up to a sitting position on the edge of the bed as Jin wandered into the room.

"I'm not hungry," I replied coldly.

"I would beg to differ dearie." He said as he let out a small chuckle under his breath. He walked over to the well that had trimmed bushes of gardenias in the middle of the room, picking at the deadly pale flowers one by one.

"How long am I even supposed to stay here? I already agreed to the terms you set and it's been five days. Why are you keeping me captive?" His immobile eyes stared down at me like I just asked him for a death sentence.

"Don't worry, I'm just keeping cautions before the wedding. You can live your life after I know you are bound to my son."

"Then when's the wedding?"

"Tomorrow." His attention was captivated by the flowers as he answered my question like it was the simplest thing in the universe.

"Tomorrow?!"

"Yes, the plans are simple. You quickly get married to Jungkook, then go to his place afterwards. But make sure to stay long enough at the reception party afterwards to convince the circle that this marriage was neither an arranged nor forced marriage but genuinely true love."

His last comment made me roll my eyes in disbelief. This marriage being "true love" was far from what it actually was. I didn't know why people still actually believed in true love. There was no such thing. True love? It doesn't exist. I'm not saying this because I'm a bitter person but because I know people change. Because what we like today won't be what we like tomorrow. There is never a perfect person for anyone, and what we claim as love is just another name for an emotion. It's like being on steroids. It's lust with ethics....

"The two of you will act as a newly wedded couple, completely in love, if we don't want the circle to find out about what we're really doing. Is that clear?"

The circle was a group of powerful mafias, a table made of the most deadliest mafias in the world but yet the most influential leaders as well. Every 50 years, it elects contestants for the throne of the underworld, the best of the best, to rule the world of murder and crime. And I guess Jungkook was one of them but for him to get elected he needed to have a wife, a queen to rule by his side. Being one of the mandatory rules, that's where I came into play, the puppet that was played on strings.

I didn't want to endure any more painful hours of partying and pretending we were happy than needed. I nodded my head greatly, agreeing to the plan proposed. Neither of us wanted to act as though we were in love. I personally wanted to drown myself in pain from the past week.

"But what if the circle found out? What happens then?" I cocked my eyebrow. Jin was silent as he analyzed my question in the sudden sour atmosphere.

"There isn't a then when they find out...We would already be dead."

..........

I stepped leisurely into the shower, toes flinching as they touched the chilled ceramic floor, steam filling the room as I put the shower on. My mind was in shreds; I would never get that picture out of my mind. I turned the dial, new and metallic, releasing thousands of lukewarm drops, darkening my hair and trickling down my back. My eyes fell closed over and over, each time showing me the images like photographs ...

The water poured down. It dripped down the side of my body as my mind faded into dullness and everything was a foggy illusion. The sensation of the steamy water calmed me; it took my mind off things. All the things I honestly don't care about. It's the water. My mind swirled, and it's like I was standing under an everlasting waterfall. Ever so beautiful, but it could never last, I knew that. But the comfort of the falling drops of water made me want to lose myself as I cupped my hands, letting them fill up with the streaming water.

Drowning my face in the pool of water, I knew the moment I started to cry. I was alone. I cried slowly, with tears dripping down my temples and the soft hum of my own voice echoing throughout the room, masked from the sound of the running water. I knew I existed and breathed. It was as simple and beautiful as the strumming of a guitar. Yet, I meant nothing to anyone. I was alone, sinking deeper and deeper within my own thoughts.

The rest of the world could be seen, drifting farther and farther away as teardrops made up my ocean. They fell into my parted lips and stuck to my eyelashes. I could taste them as they rolled down my parched throat. I was alone.

I had lost myself.

I had lost myself in an endless ocean with no way back.