14   i’m a hot mess

“Ben: stop hitting your sister,” I say over my shoulder. My voice sinks to Titanic depth and Benny gets the point. He walks away from Abigail who sticks her tongue out.

I sigh, looking back at my own reflection in the mirror. I’ve been having quite a successful day. I still haven’t spoken to Harry since the bowling incident two evenings ago. The kids have been behaving relatively well. The weather is a bit chilly (sure signs of fall! YAY!). And for once I get to relax for dinner, sitting down with the rest of the group.

The only drawback? The rest of the group consists of ONE DIRECTION.

That means Harry.

I’m not all too worried. I mean, we’re still ignoring each other. And not like last time. We haven’t even given the other person a second thought. I highly doubt this argument will resolve in another food fight, let’s just say. Something tells me I’ll be ignoring Harry for a VERY long time.

And that’s positively perfection.

“What we having for dinner?” Cade asks me. He’s sitting on the ground my by feet, coloring pictures of lions and bears.

“I have no idea,” I say. I pick up my hairbrush and run it through my frizz. “I’m not making dinner.”

“I only like your food,” Cade says with a sigh.

Abigail comes up next to me and fixes her bow in the vanity mirror. “Well I for one am happy Lena is eating with us tonight. It’ll give her a chance to… get to know the boys,” She says with a smirk.

I roll my eyes.

Duh, she’s talking about LIAM.

The Liam who supposedly has a gorgeous blonde girlfriend.

Poo. That’s what I have to say to that.

I shake my head to clear the junk that’s up there. I reach for my lotion and slap some on my hands. “Thanks Abigail. But I think I’m just fine like I am,” I say.

Abigail blinks, probably confused. Well of course she is. I haven’t told her about little Misses Liam Payne’s Lover.

I should have seen this coming. I REALLY SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING. I mean, of course Liam’s going to choose some blonde Barbie over me. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m not attractive. I mean, I’m probably not horrendous looking. If you had to choose between Quasimodo and myself you’d choose the latter… I hope and pray.

But I’m 100% not celebrity girlfriend material.

I’m no one’s girlfriend material.

Ask Greg Davidson or Henry Williams. They’ll tell ya how much of a pain in the booty I was as a partner.

Greg dumped me for someone else. It wasn’t long after the start of 8th year. Henry obviously got bored. Why else would he have cheated on me?

Moral of the story: people don’t like Lena.

Except for these three Gallows kids. Bless their tiny little adolescent hearts.

Back to reality, ahem. I’m putting some earrings in the many holes in my ears. I’ve got a few. After I’ve done that I stare at my own reflection with a blank face. My legs are pulled up to my oversized red shirt covered chest. I’m wearing my favorite skinny jeans. My hair is a mess around my shoulders that ends right in the center of ma back.

I’m a hot mess.

“Well,” I say to the three kids hanging out in my room. “I think it’s time to get some grub.”

“FOOD!” Ben screams. Does he really have to try and get a rise out of me?

“Easy there weirdo,” I mutter. I take Cade up in my arms and he flops his blonde head against my chest. “Okay. Forward march,” I say and Ben takes off running.

He ate only an hour ago.

Kids and their amazing metabolisms, I tell ya. I wish I had such a thing. Maybe my butt wouldn’t be so big…

A girl can only dream.

Abigail follows Ben and I take the rear. I shut the door with my bare foot. I like my room really cold: no way am I letting the AC take its work into the hall.

As we all trail upstairs Ben starts to story tell about something or other. Cade’s tugging at the silver chain around my neck and Abigail’s probably screaming of pure joy on the inside. We get to eat with One Direction: yay! Usually she and the kids (and me…) don’t see them day to day. Derek has the band working practically 24/7 on whatever the next big project is.

No, I don’t have any clue what they’re doing. Don’t come stalking me thinking I have the latest scoop. I have no clue what any of those Direction dudes are up to.

Except for maybe Styles. He’s busy hating me.

Oh and Liam. He’s in a relationship with someone besides Lena Opal Edwards.

Please excuse me for a moment. I’m just going to crumble to my knees and cry in a corner.

Sigh.

I really don’t want to go to this dinner thing.

Apparently there’s going to be some “BIG NEWS” from Daddy Warbucks himself.

I hope it goes something like, “Welcome to dinner everyone! All I wanted to say was that Lena here, the wonderful nanny, has been something of a gem these last five years. She deserves the rest of this bloody awful month to take the kids to Germany! Or Russia! Or even the middle of the Arctic Ocean! Where One Direction will NOT be present. Lena also gets a big whooping raise! Way to go Lena! You never have to see me (Derek) or Harry Styles ever again! You’re all excused to leave my mansion and never ever come back! EVER!”

That’s how I think it should all go down.

But something tells me it probably won’t…

Idk, maybe I’m asking for too much.

We’re rounding the corner where I first met One Direction. I swallow a big lump in my throat as Ben leads the way to the dining room.

You can smell whatever’s brewing in the kitchen from the hall. I close my eyes and tell remind myself of tonight’s goals: to enjoy some food and not kill ex-mister and/or Harry Styles. And if all goes as planned I promise myself a nice hot bubble bath.

Maybe I’ll borrow Cade’s rubber duck.

My mind is flooded with about a zillion different thoughts as we all pile into the formal dining room. It’s a relatively big space with a grand table and chairs set. The view into the backyard shows the pool and jet tub.

I would rather be outside in my swim suit.

And Lena hates wearing her swim suit.

That should tell you just how much I don’t want to be here.

But maybe I’m just being paranoid! This could all go fine: there’s always a possibility. And hey, who knows? Maybe it’ll be a bit of fun. The rest of One Direction are pretty peachy.

Let’s all keep our fingers crossed.

Sitting around the big table is all of One Direction. They look like they’re all in a relatively good mood. They’re chatting it up amongst all of them. On the opposite side of the table sits Derek with a few empty chairs. I guess the kids are supposed to sit there and lead them in the right direction.

A very weary ex- mister shoots me a warning look.

He’s telling me to behave myself.

Well I’m sorry. You can’t expect me to behave myself when you keep putting me in awkward situations with Styles. I mean, come on. Why does he even have to be here? Wouldn’t it be much easier to keep the boys up a hotel or something?

I sigh and flop into a big chair. To my right is Cade and left is Ben. Straight ahead on the other side of the oak is Louis. He’s laughing like the happy fella he is with his neighbor Niall.

I pick up my water glass and chug.

Through the clear bottle of my cup I see a disoriented Harry Styles.

The bloke is looking straight at me.

I curse his wretched self in my head.

And I’m sure he’s doing the same to me.

I set my water back in the water ring on the table top. I slip my gaze from Harry’s face to one much more pleasant: Mister Liam Payne.

He’s my guilty pleasure.

Just looking at Liam sets my insides on fire. Look at him: he’s just so sweet and handsome. There’s something special about those caramel eyes and charming strawberry lips. I just want to put my palm up against Liam’s soft cheek. I want to run my fingers through his short hair and trace his collarbone. Want to hear him whisper into my ear…

WHAT.

CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

I shake my head left and right.

I hope my cheeks aren’t red like I think they are.

Apparently there’s been an arrangement of foods on the table this entire time. People are starting to pile their plates while Derek blabs on and on about useless things. Without thinking twice I grab Cade’s plate from his little unstable hands. I flip on a few charred veggies and some potatoes.

“Hot,” Cade says and points to the carrot on his plate.

I pick it up with my fingers and take a bite. “See? It’s just fine,” I say and then turn to Ben. He’s busy over stacking his plate with meat: meat he probably won’t even touch.

I snatch the serving fork from Ben and put it out of his reach. He grumbles under his breath at me.

I’m trying to block out whatever it is that Derek is rambling about. Mocking his blabbing mouth with my fingers I reach to grab myself some grub. I’ve stacked a pile of red skin potatoes faster than you can say, “Hungry Hungry Hippo”.

Looking down at my plate I decide that maybe tonight won’t be so bad after all. I mean, I didn’t have to cook. And what’s better than that?

Nada.

I pick up my fork, twirling it between my fingers. Before I take a bite of anything I glance up casually at the faces in front of me-

Why is everyone staring at me?

“What?” I ask. I look from Niall to Derek and everyone’s gaze is glued to the same spot: moi.

Well except for Harry. He’s busy filling his big mouth.

“You weren’t listening,” Ben says. “Dad asked you a question.”

I blink. “Oh,” I say. I stab the prongs of my fork into a piece of broccoli and take a nibble. “Sure. What’s the question?” I ask.

From a few chairs away Derek clears his throat, probably happy to be the center of attention. Have I told you how much I hate this guy? “I was just asking if you have plans for Friday night.”

I shrug my shoulders. “Like, this coming Friday? Six days from now?”

Derek nods.

“Won’t I still be working here?” I ask another question.

“No,” Derek says. “Veronica comes back from Tokyo the day before.”

YES!!!! ONLY SIX DAYS LEFT IN HELL!!!

“Oh darn,” I tisk with evident sarcasm. “In that case I’m probably not busy. I mean, my weekends are usually pretty free.”

“That’s good,” Derek says. “Because I wanted to invite everyone to my house that night as sort of a celebration. We’re wrapping up business that night and the boys are all starting a new project. I thought it’d be good to get the gang back together one last time.”

The gang? Like One Direction and the Gallows? Is that an actual thing? Because last time I checked we were all forced to live under the same roof. Friendship is kind of the opposite of that.

FYI.

I swallow the food that’s in my mouth. “Oh… actually,” I say and wrack my brain for some sort of excuse. I tap my fingers against the table. “Oh that’s right! Hadley has a doctor’s appointment! Sorry, but I really should be there with her.” I lie.

“Hadley?” Derek asks.

“Yeah. Hadley- Lena’s only friend,” Ben answers.

Harry chokes on his water.

I glare across the table at him.

“She’s not my only friend,” I argue, even though it’s probably the truth. “And this appointment is very important. So being the person I am I should probably go,” I say with a final nod of my head.

“Well that’s a shame,” Derek says with a sigh. Honestly why should he care?

“It’s going to be the last time we’ll all be together,” Abigail says sorta whisperingly from a few seats away. We make quickie eye contact and she tilts her head towards You Know Who (AKA Liam).

I roll my eyes.

But… she does have a valid point. Friday will be the last time with these blokes. And as the hipsters say these days:

YOLO.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… right?

“Alright fine,” I huff. “I’ll go.” I stare down at the dead meat on my plate in shame. “Maybe this one time Hadley can go to the dentist alone.”

“Doctor’s,” Ben prompts quietly into my ear.

Oops. Haha I said dentist instead of doctor didn’t I?

Silly ole me.

“Doctors office, I mean. Yeah that’s it,” I say with a nod.

Whew. Good thing I’m such an expert liar huh?

…

But seriously though how did I end up in this mess.

Now I’ve promised to go to a stupid party on Friday.

I hate parties.

Ugg.

Derek roars in his overly load voice about something else stupid. I plug my ears from the inside out and start to shovel food into my mouth. The meaty thing is divine, the zucchini scrumptious. Ben refrains from flinging food into my hair for the first time in months, by the way. Cade even eats an entire piece of bread without a single cry. Liam makes some sort of compliment towards me… about what I can’t remember. I grew brain-dead the second he said my name. Harry keeps his mouth glued shut the entire dinning experience PRAISE THE GOOD LORD. And not ONCE does Abigail complain about the calories I’m feeding her.

I would like to once again say it has been a rather successful day.

It’s been a pleasure.

Thank you, thank you very much.

It’s been an hour or so at the dinner table. The last few crumbs are being eaten and Derek is finally getting to the climax of his latest tall tale. I’m helping Cade wipe his face when a chirpy ringing sounds throughout the mansion. Every head turns to the direction of the front door. Which of course we can’t see but a corner of through a half wall.

“I’LL GET IT,” Ben screams and lunges from his oversized chair. I cringe as he storms through the house and barrels past a piece of glass art.

That boy is the definition of a bull in a china shop.

A few seconds pass.

I glance up across the table, napkin in hand. Niall smiles at me cheekily. I can’t help the warm and fuzzy feeling that spreads into my tummy.

“LEEEE-NAAA!” Ben screeches like a chimpanzee. “YOUR FRIEND IS HERE!”

My friend?

By that it can only be one person: Hadley.

But what on earth is she doing here?

I start to stand from the table as Ben comes roaring through. Hadley pauses at the open doorway to the dining room, her tiny hands wringing her purse nervously. Her frosty eyes glance around the table at famous One Direction.

I wonder why she’s not exactly smiling.

In fact she looks rather… upset.

My stomach turns to stone.

Something has to be wrong.

“Ahhh and you must be Hadley,” Derek says warmly. But don’t be fooled: this man is anything but warm.

“Yes sir,” Hadley says sweetly. Her pink hair is tied up in a knot at the back of her head. She’s wearing a lacy white shirt and dark wash jeans. She bats her eyes that are painted in black and smiles. I watch on as her gaze flitters to Harry.

“Nice seeing you again,” Harry says politely. Oh look who’s a true gentleman now.

Hadley nods and then looks at me again.

“Umm, I’ll be right back…” I say and walk towards her. I run a hand through my hair. Hadley locks eyes with me and her mouth barely parts as she sighs.

Uh oh…

Swallowing a lump in my throat I fall into step beside Hadley. As soon as I think we’re out of ear shot I pull her to the wall by her thin arm, our faces inches apart.

“What’s wrong?” I ask. I can’t stop staring at her flickering eyes. She’s nervous about something and it’s making me a paranoid wreck.

Whatever brought her here can’t be that bad… can it?

Oh lord here goes my perfect day.

“Lena,” Hadley says my name softly. It’s like she’s afraid to talk too loud and hurt me. “You wouldn’t answer your phone…”

I blink. “Of course I didn’t. When do I?” I tilt my head to the side and rock my teeth back and forth.

Just tell me what’s wrong, Hadley. Get to the point.

Hadley smiles just barely, to try and comfort me I guess. “Todd called you,” She says. “Because your mum’s in the hospital again.”

My heart breathes a sigh.

“Oh,” I say softly. I stare at my bare feet on the ground. There’s nothing much going on in my head at this moment. I can’t really be surprised, I guess. Mum’s been in and out of care for months now. Years even.

But I guess I always tend to forget that she has cancer.

Hadley touches my shoulder. “I’m sorry honey,” She tells me.

“No,” I shake my head. I rub my hand across my face and then force a smile. “I’m fine. Really, I’m fine.”

Hadley stares at me, doubt written across her face.

“Did he umm, did he say how he was?” I ask Hadley about Todd. He always takes things like this really hard.

Hadley says, “Todd sounded fine. He misses you, I know that.”

I bite down on my bottom lip and cross my arms over my chest. There’s a deep pit in my stomach and my head is throbbing.

“You should call him,” Hadley says.

“I know,” I sigh. And now more than ever. There was no bad blood between my mum and my brother… and that’s what makes it ten times harder for him.

I rub my face with my sweat sticky palm.

Hadley glances to the front door over her shoulder. “I should go now. The twins are in the car,” She says. Hadley checks my face one more time to make sure I’m alright. “You sure you’re okay honey?” I nod up and down. “Okay… Okay just come home if you need anything. Call me whenever,” Hadley says. She hugs me sweetly and I rest an arm lazily around her. As she walks back out into the darkening evening I hang back in the empty hall. My head is crowded with too many things about my family: things I always seem to push out of my mind.

I rub my eyes with the backs of my hands before I trudge back into the dining room entry way. I stand in the entrance with one hand propped on the wall. Everyone turns to look at me now, eyes wide or narrowed. “I think I’ll just, umm… head to bed now,” I say with a point to my bedroom downstairs. “Thanks for dinner.” I avoid making eye contact with anyone as I rub my face one last time.

Without another word I quickly walk downstairs, my fingers shaking all the way.

I don’t know why I’m so upset. I know mom is sick, I’ve known she was sick for years now. But I guess not seeing her all the time gives me the chance to forget. And this is the cruelest sort of reminder.

I pace back and forth in my room. I flop down face first into my sheets, pulling my cell phone from the bedside table.

I have to call my brother.