1 I'M A GOOD GIRL

With God as my witness, I am a good girl.

I get good grades. I'm helpful, and I'm hardworking. I respect my seniors. I'm happy to live out life, day after day, going to bed at 10 PM each night, and getting up at 6 AM the next morning. The first thing I do when I wake up is pull open the curtains and look out the window. The sky is always just starting to light up at that time. Even in the summertime, the sun has only started to peek above the horizon. Then I will sit in front of the window and read in English, with a loud and sweet voice. My mom will walk over and hand me a cup of thick(?) milk. I gulp down my milk and continuing reading.

My mother stood in the room, early in the morning, looking at me lovingly.

It's a pity though, I am a good girl with a slight defect. My heart, and my left ear. When I was born, that's how I was. I had surgery on my heart, and it was very advanced technology. There weren't any scars left on my body, so I don't have to count that. But the hearing in my left ear isn't very good. If you stood to my left and spoke to me, it's very possible that I wouldn't hear a thing you said.

So when I'm reading out loud, I'm especially loud.

Although that's how it was, I never felt that it was a bad thing. Before age 17, I naively loved myself like that. Just like the many good-hearted people in the world, naively loving me.

But what's cornier than that is that one day, when I was 17 years old, I suddenly fell in love for the first time. I don't remember what the weather was like that day. All I remember is his face. It was dusk, and he was leaning on a railing across the street from the school, carrying a faded backpack. His face was very handsome. That was the first time I'd seen him. I was so scared, my heart was inexplicably racing non-stop.

His name was Xu Yi.

I once hated that name a lot, because the second character was very difficult to type with Wubi. I practiced for several days before I could successfully type it over and over.

Wubi is a method of typing Chinese, which is based on the shapes used in words/characters (versus phonetically-based systems, like Pinyin). I don't know how to use it, but supposedly once you learn it and all the shortcuts, it's much more efficient compared to using phonetic systems. In any case, the character for his name isn't easy to type using Wubi. Which is a bit ironic, because it's a very easy word to write: 弋 (yì).

The white screen was filled with this name. I used red, the words big and lively. Just like him, standing in front of me.

After learning of Xu Yi, my blog now had meaning.

And I do mean learning of Xu Yi.

The fact is, we don't know each other, we've never met, and there's no chance for us to meet. All I know is that he's a senior, soon to graduate, and he gets good grades. I also know that there's a girl from a technical school who's madly chasing after him.

I've seen her before. The way she dresses is very strange. Sometimes I think that she really seems like a plant, especially that one time she stood outside our school, wearing a green dress. She had painted on green eyeshadow, and her face had some gold powder. She held a sunflower, standing there all by herself.

And there was another time when she painted four words onto her white dress: I love Xu Yi.

A lot of girls would scream when they walked past her.

She'd become a fixture in front of our school.

The most important thing is, that in the end, Xu Yi actually fell in love with her.

He fell in love with her.

One day, after school ended, he walked up to her and said, "Let's go see the cat that you feed."

The girl cheered out and jumped up. She spread her arms and ran in a circle, like a glider. Then she stopped in front of Xu Yi, and said, "Handsome, I finally believe that love is something to fight for! Hahaha, I'm so happy, I could die!"

The girl that liked to make her eyes green... I later learned that her name was Bala.

I finally met Bala, at the noodle shop behind the school.

Later I thought, this was something I'd always expected to happen.

I still remember, it was raining that evening, so the shop was very noisy. After my evening class, I was hungry, so I went to the noodle shop. She was sitting at a table near the wall, with her back to me, wearing a pink cardigan. She really grabbed your attention. When I got closer, I realized there was a 555 dangling from her mouth, a British brand of cigarettes. She sucked on it like it was very enjoyable, like the way a little girl would eat chocolates. The small TV in the shop was playing a drama series on mute. I watched her, but her eyes never left the TV.

I sat across from her.

And then she gave me a glance.

Then she extended her hand, and took some cilantro from my steaming bowl and placed it into her own. She silently spit out her cigarette butt, and then started eating her noodles. It was the first time I'd seen her so clearly. Her hair was pulled into a bun behind her head. She had an oval face, no sign of pimples, and her eyes were especially big. I felt that she was very pretty. It was that kind of pretty that got prettier the longer you looked, that startles you a bit. She wasn't wearing green eyeshadow.

At the time, I thought to myself, "No wonder Xu Yi..."

"Are you also from Tian High?" she asked, looking at the name tag on my chest.

"Mm," I said.

"Oh," she said. "Do you recognize me?"

I shook my head.

"All the bad kids at your school know me," she said proudly. Then she laughed, her face so refined.

When we finished our meal and left the shop, it was raining heavily. The water flowed down the eaves. We couldn't leave, and just stood close to the wall.

I couldn't hold back, so I asked, "Do you also like eating cilantro?"

"Not especially, but I like to steal other people's things."

I was a bit surprised. She reached out and touched my face, and laughed. Her eyes bent into crescent moons. She said, "Ah, other people's things are what's good. Little girl, you'll understand."

I didn't know how to respond to that, so I only said, "I don't like when it rains." She looked up to the sky, and said, seemingly to herself, "...won't come." Then she rushed into the rain.

I shouted to her, "Hey!"

She turned around.

I pulled out an umbrella from my backpack. "You'll get a cold if you're drenched in the rain."

"What about you?" she asked me.

"It's okay, I live nearby."

"Thanks!" She took the umbrella, and ran a short distance before stopping. She turned around and shouted, "I'm Bala! I'll be back here next Saturday. I'll return your umbrella then."

They say that Bala and Xu Yi broke up. He fought because of her, and became a bad kid.

Saturday came again. Before class was over, I asked the teacher if I could leave early, saying that my stomach hurt. She easily believed me, because she'd never have thought that an honest girl like me would lie. But I did lie. My stomach didn't hurt. I went to the noodle shop.

I was shocked, when I first entered the shop. Bala was sitting very close to a boy, her face right next to his. She laughed, charmingly and movingly.

That boy was obviously not Xu Yi. His name was Zhang Yang. I recognized him, he was a senior at our school too.

When Zhang Yang saw me enter in my uniform, he seemed a bit uncomfortable, and pushed Bala away.

Bala greeted me, "Hi!"

I sat down, and responded lightly, "Hi."

Zhang Yang quickly payed, and left. Bala's gaze followed his back.

After awhile, Bala stepped in front of me. "Do you have a smoke? I'm out."

I shook my head.

"Oh, right," Bala said. "You're a good kid, you don't smoke! But, why did you skip school?"

As she spoke, she fluttered her big eyes at me.

Goodness, she had on green eyeshadow again.

"My stomach hurts today."

"Your stomach hurts, and you're still eating lamian noodles?" She laughed, "Is it hurting because you're hungry?"

"Bala," I looked at her green eyeshadow as I spoke. "Why did you break up with Xu Yi?"

Bala looked at me, and then laughed out loud so hard that tears came out from her eyes. She said confidently, "I know! You like Xu Yi, don't you?"

I stubbornly stayed silent.

"You don't want to date." Bala said, "You're a good kid." She pulled out the umbrella from the bag behind her, "Here you go, good baby."

When I took my umbrella back, I told Bala, "Actually, I don't even know Xu Yi."

"Oh?" She let out another exaggerated laugh. It was then that I noticed that she was wearing earrings. They were also green, like big green teardrops, swaying back and forth on her ears.

That day, I'd already walked far away, when I heard Bala calling me. She must have been shouting very loudly for me to hear. I didn't head back, but her following words were very clear.

Bala said, "You want to know what kind of girl Xu Yi likes? Come back next time, and I'll tell you!"

I decided to write a letter to Xu Yi.

The desire was like a rock, pressing down on my heart for many days. Pressing down so that I couldn't breathe. I couldn't come to terms on my own, so I could only write.

My letter was very simple. I said, "You should know, one failure doesn't mean much. And one wrong choice isn't really anything. You have to believe that, in this world, there will always be someone who cares about you. Hope that you'll be happy."

This was, of course, an anonymous letter. I dropped it off at the post office, and then walked home quickly. I was almost home when, for some reason, I thought about the noodle shop that wasn't far away. My feet started heading that way.

There was a shortcut to get from my house to the noodle shop. They were remodeling houses, and the road wasn't good to take. So not many people go that way. That day, I walked on the path, surrounded by wire fencing, and it seemed like there was movement up ahead.

Although my hearing isn't very good, I'm very sensitive.

I knew something must have happened.

The sky was already dark as I headed up ahead. Soon, I confirmed that my hunch was right. I saw that the girl being pushed up against the wall was Bala. The boy with his back to me was very tall, and he kept kicking her with his knee. Quickly and ruthlessly. She bit his arm, the look in her eyes very frightening. The hatred from her eyes was almost like blood dripping out.

I ran up as fast as I could, and pulled the boy away. Bala screamed out in an earth-shattering voice, "Get away!"

The boy was Zhang Yang.

Zhang Yang stepped back, extending a finger on his hand. In a low voice, he said, "Go ahead and try. If you don't get rid of it, don't expect me to let you off." And then he walked off, without looking back.

Bala dejectedly slid down the the wall. She clutched her abdomen, as she knelt down.

I squatted down next to her, intending to pull her up. But I couldn't.

I pulled out the lighter from her pocket. The fire shined onto Bala's dirty face. Her big eyes were like two glass balls that had gotten dirty. The wind blew, the fire flickered, and then it went out. In the darkness, I said to her, "I'll send you home, okay? Tell me where your house is."

"Do you have any money?" Her voice was the same as usual, as if nothing that had just happened affected her at all.

I took out all the money I had with me, 70 something dollars (a little more than 10 USD).

"That's enough." Bala stood up unsteadily. She said, "Home, I need a bath. And to buy some medicine."

I went with Bala to buy some medicine, and then we went back to her house.

She lived with her grandma, and there was no one else at home. Her grandma was playing mahjong with some old ladies, and no one took notice of Bala's return.

We slipped into her room. She let me sit, and then she went to bathe. There weren't many books on her desk, but there were a lot of high-end cosmetics. Her bed was covered with pretty clothes. I picked up a fashion magazine, and the model on the cover had on the same makeup as Bala.

Bala came back quickly. After bathing, she looked very different from usual. She had on a white nightgown, and slowly walked over to me. As she approached, she lifted up her dress. In the chilly moonlight, I saw the redness and bruising on her stomach. It was ugly and terrifying.

Why was love like this.

Dearest Xu Yi, this is what love is. Why is the love in our youth so beyond redemption.

Dearest Xu Yi, I can only call out lightly in my heart.

"Oh yeah, what's your name?" Bala asked me.

"Li Er," I said.

"'Er' for ear?"

"Just about, add a 'wang' to the side."

"There's such a word?" Bala asked curiously.

I nodded, and helped her apply the medicine.

The character for Li Er's name is 珥 (ěr), which is made up of 耳 (ěr, meaning "ear") and 王 (wáng) radical.

As I swabbed on the medicine, Bala trembled slightly. She whispered, "Do you know? Do you know what's inside here?"

My hand started to shake.

"There's a little baby." Bala used her hand to caress her belly, saying, "Say, do you think I should give birth to it? Maybe she will be a beautiful little girl."

I threw the cotton swab to the ground. With a quivering voice, I asked, "Whose is it? Xu Yi's or Zhang Yang's?"

She laughed out loud. "Don't worry, Xu Yi's just like you, a good kid."

"But, why?"

Bala leaned onto the bed, and tidied up her nightgown. With a serious tone she's never used before, she said to me, "Little Ear, do you know? When you love someone, you can do anything for him."

When I walked into "Forget It" Bar, it was the third day of the Lunar new year (late Jan – early Feb).

"Forget It" Bar was near the technical school. Every weekend, it was packed full with all sorts of bizarre guys. They dyed their hair different colors, and played billiards, topless in the wintertime, shouting out foul language. The lady boss at the noodle shop told me I'd be able to find Bala there.

When I arrived, Bala was loudly telling a joke. She saw me and pulled me outside. The snow had stopped, and the sun was blinding. Bala blocked her head with her hand, and asked me, "So, Little Ear, why are you looking for me?"

"Xu Yi," I said. "I heard he did really bad on his exams."

"Is that so?" Bala said indifferently.

"Why don't you help him?"

"Well, why don't you?" Bala said.

I bit my lip and said, "I can't."

"If you love him, just tell him." Bala pulled out a cigarette and lit it, looking at me.

"Please," I said.

Bala threw the cigarette butt to the ground and stepped on it. "Zhang Yang would kill me. But he's gone to his grandmother's in Shanghai, for the new year. How about this. You invite Xu Yi out for me. Then it will be like we've met coincidentally, and it will be less troublesome."

I was actually calling a boy on the phone.

He asked, "Who's this?"

I leaned on the public phone booth, voice quivering, and said, "Can you come to 'Forget It' Bar?"

"Who are you?"

"I wrote you a letter," I said. "I'll be at 'Forget It' Bar, and I'll wait an hour for you."

When I was done speaking, I threw down the phone. I knew he would come. A curious person would surely show up.

I walked out of the booth and back to "Forget It." Bala was standing on the narrow wood stage, singing Faye Wong's "Chanel." I'm your Chanel, you're my model. Before the song was over, I saw Xu Yi. He looked like he'd run over, forehead covered in sweat. He kept staring at Bala on the stage, eyes never leaving. He looked haggard, and I felt distressed.

"Hi, hi, hi!" Bala cut her song off, and jumped down from the stage. She skipped all the way over to me, and shouted, "Little Ear, your handsome guy is here!"

Then Bala turned to Xu Yi and whistled loudly.

My face turned red and red over again.

Xu Yi walked over to us, and sat down across from me. He cleared his throat, and whispered to Bala, "I just want to know. Is it true, about Zhang Yang?"

2 I WON'T FORGIVE YOU

"It is," Bala said firmly.

"Why?!" Xu Yi shouted loudly. The whole bar heard, and some boys came over.

"Why?!" Xu Yi continued to shout. He grabbed Bala by her collar, shaking her, and said, "I'm telling you, I won't forgive you. I won't forgive you!"

Bala must have felt dizzy from all the shaking, but her face remained expressionless.

Xu Yi was quickly pulled away. Before I could take in what was happening, he'd already been hit to the ground and held down. Countless fists fell onto him.

I couldn't hear anything else.

I shouted out, "Don't! Don't! Don't!" I rushed past, and Bala couldn't hold me back in time. I crazily ran into the group of people, wanting to use my body to block Xu Yi. A beer bottle hit my head.

Blood, red blood.

Again, I couldn't hear anything else.

When I woke up, I realized that I was lying in Bala's bed.

Bala was holding a cat, a very fat one. With a long, dangling white tail, it sat calmly in Bala's arms. Its green eyes were shining brightly, but its face looked like it wanted to eat.

Bala hugged the cat, and said to me tenderly, "Thank goodness you're okay."

"What about Xu Yi?" I suddenly remembered.

"He's fine," Bala said. "I already helped you wrap up your head wound, but what are you going to say when you get home?"

I didn't say anything.

"You can stay here for awhile," she said.

I crawled over and looked at myself in the mirror. I saw a hateful white gauze wrapped on my head. Using my strength, I pulled it off. This hurt a lot. Bala screamed, "What are you doing?"

I said to Bala, "I need to use the bathroom."

Bala extended her hand to point the way.

Enduring the pain, I went to the bathroom and washed the traces of blood out of my hair. Then I combed it. I ran outside to ask, "Bala, do you have any suitable hats?"

Bala had many hats, but I tried on about ten before I found one to wear. It was a little red hat. Bala said her niece left it before.

Bala sent me home, taking me all the way to the noodle shop. She said to me, "Little Ear, you're braver than me. I need to learn from you."

"That child..." I asked her.

She patted her tummy mysteriously, and said, "Don't worry. I will have it."

I covered my mouth.

"Maybe it will hurt a bit, but it will be worth it."

"Your mom doesn't care?" I asked her.

Bala slanted her mouth, "She wouldn't be able to do anything even if she did care."

"Don't be so willful. Bala," I said. "What good will come from this?"

Bala looked at me.

"Bala, please don't be like this. I know, you don't want it to be like this either." When I finished speaking, I turned around and strode away.

When I turned back, I saw Bala standing there, motionless. She saw I'd turned back, and blew me a kiss. Then she turned away and left.

Wearing the little red hat, I walked strangely back home. My mom looked at me oddly. I was rubbing my face as I walked toward my room. "It was very cold today, so I bought a hat. It feels much better now."

Those days, I had a very strange thought.

I suddenly wanted to become bad.

I felt very stuffy. I was obsessed with the idea that, if I became bad, I would become free.

I made a long post of unintelligible words on my blog. When I finished, I wanted someone to read it, so I sent a link to Bala. She responded very quickly, "Little Ear doesn't seem very happy. Why don't you come to 'Forget It' and listen to me sing?"

"I can't," I said. "But I'm going to read by the river in the afternoon."

That afternoon, I sat on a bench by the river, holding my book and pretending to read. Bala finally showed up, wearing a long, fringed skirt, carrying a rose-red bag. With an exaggerated pace, she dragged herself over. With bright eyes looking at me, she asked, "Do you really want to become a bad girl?"

I grumbled and nodded.

Bala patted my head.

"You want to die?" Bala said. "Thinking about nonsense all day."

Bala laughed, and said, "Little Ear, promise me something."

"What?"

"When my son is born, you will be his godmother. So you cannot become bad. He has to have one good mother. That way, he won't lose to anyone else!"

"What are you saying?" I pushed her and said, "Let's go."

"Where to?"

"The hospital!"

"Let go!"

"No!" I said. "You have to go to the hospital. You have to!"

Bala pushed me away and fell onto the bench. With a smile, she said to me, "Listen, Little Ear. Even if the entire world wants to kill this child, I will still give birth to him. Nothing will change that, unless I die."

I was frightened by her smile. After a long while, I said, "Bala, what exactly are you doing this for?"

Bala rested her chin on the bench and spoke leisurely, "You wouldn't understand. Just like you'll never become a bad kid. Little Ear, everyone's fate is set on the day that they are born. You are a good girl, so just live like a good girl. Got it?"

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I didn't leave the house again during the winter break.

On the first day of the new school term, I ran into Xu Yi at the school's front gate. He extended a long arm to stop me in my path.

There were a lot of girls around who looked at me.

My face turned red.

Xu Yi said, "Thank you."

"You're welcome," I said, in a thin voice, like a mosquito.

"Why did you help me? Were you the one who called me that day?" he asked.

I looked up, flustered.

"Do you like me?" Xu Yi asked again.

I took a deep breath and ran past him, to the classroom.

I don't know why, but I felt like I was going to die. My little heart that had been operated on wasn't carrying a heavy load anymore. I was in a confused state, and a week of class passed by. Xu Yi came on Saturday. I was so sleepy, I didn't realize he was there at first. I was drinking a cup of instant coffee in the classroom, and lifted my cup too quickly. A few drops of coffee fell onto my red, wool scarf. My seat was near the window, and when I looked ahead, I saw Xu Yi. He suddenly extended his hand and, with his finger, motioned for me to come outside. My heart started to throb for some reason. I subconsciously left behind my cup and rushed outside the classroom.

He didn't look at me, and just kept walking ahead. My pace alternated between fast and slow, a bit like an idiot. I didn't know where he was leading me to. It was a Saturday afternoon, and all the teachers were in some ridiculous meeting. What was supposed to be a self-study day became a day off, and there weren't many people in school. It was another damn day of snow, so dusk felt like night. He led me past the playground and lab building. Snow fell onto his short hair and his broad shoulders. My heart was rising and falling in pain. I turned my head to the side and shouted, "Where exactly are you taking me!"

Suddenly, he stopped and turned around. I subconsciously took a step back, my foot going into the thick snow with a light crunch. We were on a small path in the schoolyard. The doors to the bathroom building were closed, the top covered with blue paint. The stairwell to the side was empty. Xu Yi pulled me into there. I was a bit frightened then. We were separated by about two meters of space. I leaned against the wall, biting my lower lip, and looked at him. He wore a grey coat, with ice crystals and snowflakes on his shoulders. The hair on his forehead was a bit wet. Oh Xu Yi... Once, Bala's Xu Yi, with the face of an angel. He was still so handsome.

I sadly crouched down. Then I noticed the coffee on my scarf, so I reached out my sleeve to wipe it off.

"I know that you like me."

"I don't."

"Were you the one who wrote me a letter every day?"

"No!"

"Look at me."

I didn't dare. I stayed crouching, shaking.

He pulled my up by my left arm, scaring me, so I let out a soft scream.

"Don't expect me to like you," Xu Yi said.

"You put on an innocent appearance, but don't think that I don't know. You're part of Bala's group. You guys haven't had enough, is that it? If you haven't, I'll keep playing with you!"

A boy had never been so mean to me. I couldn't get away from his grip, and tears started falling.

Xu Yi looked at me, and he seemed very angry. I thought he was going to hit me. I closed my eyes, when I felt him get pushed away. I opened my eyes and saw Youta. With blood-red eyes, Youta blocked Xu Yi. With a gruff voice, he said to me, "Get back to the classroom."

Xu Yi looked at him in surprise.

I turned around and walked back into the snow. There were a lot of ice pieces on the ground, and I was worried that they'd go into my old running shoes. That would be so cold. I really was an idiot. My face was freezing cold. I reached my hand into a pocket inside my jacket and pulled out a tissue. Because my clothes were really thick, it was really hard to pull out. But I was set on pulling it out. So, with this strange posture, I strode past the lab building and the playground, walking into the classroom. No one chased after me. Big teardrops rolled down my face, but I didn't turn back.

When dusk fell, Xu Yi's mom, my aunt, and my mom were all called to the principal's office.

When Mom came out, she said one thing to me, "Li Er, you've disappointed me."

She grabbed my clothes and said, "Tell me, how did this happen? How did you get involved with that [girl] bully. You really must want to stop living!"

"Don't blame her," Youta came to my defense.

Mom turned her attention to him. "I haven't scolded you yet. You too, going around fighting with people. It's time for the college entrance exams. If you get punished because of this, see what will happen."

When I looked up, I saw Bala. She wasn't wearing any makeup at all today, and she had on very simple clothes. Standing in front, she looked at me with an expression that's hard to describe.

As we passed by her, I didn't dare greet her. Just as I was hating myself for my cowardice, Bala called out to me. But she didn't call me Little Ear. Instead, she said, "Li Er, wait."

Everyone stopped walking and looked at her warily.

"I know about everything," she said. "I'm here to prove that none of this has anything to do with you. If there's a problem, it's all my, Bala's, fault."

"Get lost!" Youta called out fiercely.

"I'll go," Bala said coldly. "Just so long as Li Er is okay."

"Of course she'll be okay. As long as you stay away from her, she'll be totally fine!"

"Youta!" I yelled. "Don't talk to Bala like that!"

"Why not?" he asked. "She hasn't caused you enough harm yet?"

"Because she's my friend!" I said. "She's my good friend, and I won't let you talk to her that way! Never!"

Youta took a few steps back, angrily. Mom and Aunt's face both fell open. The world grew still. I couldn't hear anything else. I just saw Bala's lips crack into a grin. A dazzling glory shone from her face. She looked at me, eyes shining clearly.

And then I heard Bala say softly, "Little Ear, I really didn't pick the wrong person."

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The sun this spring seems especially bright. Soft, golden streams flowed down from the green leaves, and the flowers bloomed without a sound. Monday is my least favorite day. I haven't had a good rest yet, but all the business is going to start up again. I didn't care for it at all. That day, after morning exercises, I was walking through the playground alone. I thought of going to the canteen to buy some instant coffee, when a strange guy suddenly got in my way. In a panic, he asked me, "Are you Li Er?"

"Yes," I said.

"Please take this call." He pulled out a phone from his pant pocket.

"Who's calling?" I asked.

"Just answer it." The boy put the phone into my hands. "It's connecting, hurry and answer it."

Hesitantly, I held up the phone next to my ear. And then I heard Bala gasping. It was only breathing, but I just felt that it was Bala.

I called out, "Bala!"

"Little Ear, is it you?"

"It's me, Bala." My heart felt very anxious, and I couldn't say anything more.

"Good, [he] found you," Bala said, hoarsely. "I really need to tell you, thank you. Thank you for lending me your umbrella. Thank you for saving me last time. Thank you for helping my apply medicine. Thank you for publicly admitting that you're my friend. You don't know how thankful I am to you..."

Bala's voice was getting weaker. I didn't know if it was my ear having problems. In my panic, I then heard the phone cut off. From the other end came endless beeping.

The boy reached out his hand and snatched back the phone. He turned around and ran.

I finally came to and started chasing him. I couldn't catch up to him, and could only see him run into the Year 3-1 classroom. I didn't hesitate to follow him in. But the bell sounded, and the students started flocking into the classroom. Their math teacher was standing in the doorway with his lesson plan.

I was also at the door now.

A meddling girl looked through the window and asked me, "Who are you looking for?"

I didn't speak. My eyes were searching the full classroom for that boy. Just then a piece of paper flew out from the classroom. It said, "Bala's in the hospital, something's happened."

I'm a bad girl. I think it was that way since the day I was born.

They said I was detestable when I was born, crying for three days and three nights. From morning 'til night, and night 'til morning, without stop. It seemed as if it were a big protest to being born into this world.

3 THE LEGENDARY LI BALA

Of course I don't remember the events right when I was born. In fact, there are many things I don't remember. I'm a master of forgetfulness. When I first started at the vocational school, they had us fill in a form. The first item asked for your specialty. In big, flamboyant letters, I wrote "forgetting."

The teacher stared at me with big eyes, and bitingly said, "Do you not know what the word 'specialty' means?" I bit my pen, put on an idiotic face, and just stared back at her. She shook her head and walked away.

I took the pen from my mouth and gave a lively laugh.

It was at that moment that a tall boy abruptly jumped in front of me. He was very tall, blocking all the sunlight from me. It made me feel unhappy. He stared at me and asked, "Are you the legendary Li Bala?"

Sitting on the desk with my legs swinging, I said, "I didn't know I was so famous."

"I'm Blackie," he announced, head held high. "From the moment I found out you would be coming to our school, I decided to pursue you."

On a weekend evening, Blackie wanted to fight with Tian High's basketball team captain. They'd been making trouble for several days. Blackie envied the luck of the Tian High kids, the way they never gave up. It was only 10 in the morning, and I was still sleeping when Blackie called. My whole pillow vibrated, so I pressed the speaker button. As if he were holding a loudspeaker, I heard him excitedly call out, "Wifey, come see! See how I took care of them!"

The technical school's basketball court was, indeed, very run-down. But there was an incandescent lamp there, sort of like a handheld lantern. It hung above the basketball hoop, and when the wind blew, the light flickered. It was very interesting. No one bothered you in this place, so during the school holidays, kids would show up to play ball at night.

I stopped at the edge of the basketball court. No one paid me any attention. Blackie's head was bare. He liked wearing a sleeveless black shirt and white earring. He was very muscular. Not long after I'd first arrived at the school, I heard a rumor that there were two pregnant girls who'd made a move on him, because they wanted to marry him. But I didn't mind, because I wouldn't get pregnant for him. When I think of how out of date Blackie's clothes that day were, I can't help but to laugh. God help me, won't you?

Seeing that I'd arrived, Blackie looked very excited. He kissed my hand. And as he breathed, he said, "Missus, thank you for coming."

I really wanted to trample him. He continued to say to the guys behind him, "Take care of your sister-in-law. Go and bring a stool!" That's when I saw two golden-haired kids behind him. They had monolids and drooping mouths, with youthful, innocent and foolish looks. As if their lives were on the line, they ran off quickly.

I was both very angry and very amused. Then I turned, and I saw a boy standing against the basketball hoop. He wore a hat, the brim pulled low so that I couldn't see his face. But I could tell that he was chewing gum, his cheeks moving back and forth.

The spot I stood at wasn't actually very far from them. Blackie threw the basketball cleanly to him and said "Start."

He caught it and started dribbling. With his left hand, he threw off his hat, which landed at my feet.

When he lifted up his head, under the shining incandescent light, I saw his chiseled face. Even long after that, I would often recall that moment, recall the way my heart felt then. It was like a container that was filled with water, but then was suddenly emptied out. As if the world were turned upside down. Something like that.

Usually, I'm the most uninterested in that kind of sports competition. But that day, I sat there on a hard stool and watched the whole game.

The final score was 1-3. Blackie and them actually lost. He wiped away his sweat, and with a loud voice, "TMD, you win. Zhang Yang, you're really something."

TMD is an abbreviation for 他妈的 (tā mā de), which is like a curse. Sort of the way people will cry out "damn it" or "fuck."

After the guy called Zhang Yang slowly packed up his bag and slung it over his shoulder, he walked over to me. He didn't seem to take notice of my flower-print skirt or my green eyeshadow. In fact, he didn't seem to notice me at all. He just bent down and picked up his cap, placing it back on his head. And just like that, he left without a word.

As you would expect, I followed Zhang Yang as he left. After I passed the school gates, I took off my shoes. That way, he wouldn't hear my footsteps. He was about 150 meters in front of me. It was a bit far, but I could still follow him. I'm not sure of my motive. I just really wanted to find out where he was going. Little Yang, what a cute boy. There was a strange sort of softness in my heart, even as my soles of my feet were aching. It made me feel so alive.

I held my shoes with my left hand and my skirt with my right hand. In the quiet of the night, I was on my tiptoes, following a boy I'd never seen before. Luckily, there weren't many people on the path he was taking. Otherwise, I wonder how many people would stare at me with a curious looks. I don't know. Actually, my mind was completely blank at the time. I just knew that I'd be willing to chase in this direction.

To be honest, my following tactics that day weren't actually successful. After turning a few corners, I completely lost sight of Zhang Yang. A bit discouraged, I squatted down on the road, rubbed my aching feet, and put my shoes back on. While I was in the midst of thinking about what to do next, someone tapped my on the shoulder.

I heard a very nice male voice say, "Why are you following me?"

I turned and saw Zhang Yang.

"Hi!" I jumped up, "So you were here!"

"You're Li Bala," he said. "I recognize you."

"Ha!" Pleased with myself, I tossed my hair. "Is it because I'm so pretty, so I left a very deep impression?"

He looked at me. Maybe he was trying to figure out if I was pretty or not. But instead, he said, "There's a lot of broken glass on this road. If you walk without your shoes on, it'll be very dangerous."

I was really suspicious about whether or not he had eyes on the back of his head. He was really, really too handsome. Too out of the ordinary. I really couldn't help myself.

I put a finger in my mouth and bit down gently, to make sure I wasn't dreaming.

"Go home, it's not early anymore." When he finished speaking, he smiled, and then turned around and left.

The second time I saw him was inside the noodle shop.

I really liked the noodle shop by Tian High. The noodles there really suited to my tastes. Right when I walked in, I saw him. He was sitting near the window that faced the street, at a two-person table. Across from him was a little girl. She had two pigtails and wore a white T-shirt with small dolls printed on it. They looked just like a pair of lovers, but they seemed to be trying really hard to pretend as if there was no relation between them. I suddenly wanted to laugh a bit. He pulled out a cigarette case from his jeans pocket, and lit up his Double Happiness (cigarette brand) with a match the shop provided.

I laughed.

"Hi, hi!" I shouted out mischievously. "Hi, hi, hi, Little Yang! How are you?"

Zhang Yang stood up and left. The girl also got up and followed him. I realized that Zhang Yang had payed for two bowls of noodles when he was at the counter. The girl obediently walked in front of him. When they walked out of the noodle shop, he lightly patted her back. She turned back to see his smiling, doting face.

You have to believe me. At that moment, I didn't feel even a tiny bit of jealousy.

I don't know what jealousy is. But as you might suspect, I took him to be a present that I had commissioned. No matter how many people admired it, he was mine.

I was determined to make it happen.

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Dearest Little Yang, you're mine.

I asked the lady boss for some paper and a pen. I quickly wrote down my phone number and ran outside. I saw Zhang Yang's back, and he was already almost inside the school gates. I rushed to stop him and pressed the paper into his hands. He took it and walked away without a trace.

Looks like he was even more of a sly fox than I was.

Zhang Yang's text came three days later. At the time, I was with Blackie at an internet cafe playing Ragnarok Online. An alert rang out from my phone. It was a number I didn't know, and the text said, "I'm at the noodle shop."

I pretty much jumped up from my seat, and told Blackie, "Something's come up, I have to go."

I left the internet cafe, sprinting to the noodle shop.

I ran to the entrance of the noodle shop and saw Zhang Yang stand up and walk outside. I understood and followed him. He walked to a small street near the shop. It was really hard to walk there, because houses were being constructed on both sides. Basically, there weren't any people there. I followed him for nearly 200 meters. He stopped in a dark corner, leaned up against the wall there, and lit up a cigarette.

I walked up to him, and wanted to say something. But I realized that I couldn't use the same satirical tone I used with Blackie.

He made me feel all sorts of clumsy and awkward.

I could only stand there and watch as he smoked.

He pulled out his cigarette case, handed it to me, asking, "You want one?"

I took one, and then realized I didn't have a lighter on me. So I put the cigarette in my mouth and leaned over to him. Without any hesitation, he very cooperatively helped light me up. There was very little distance between us. His eyes were like stars, blinking in the sky. Suddenly, my eyes were wet for some reason.

He placed his hand on my cold face, and softly said, "Li Bala, you're very famous."

"Really?" I winked at him. "You're chasing a famous girl. Soon, you'll be famous too."

He pulled me into his arms, and I could very clearly hear his heart beating. And my heart ridiculously followed along, beating fervently. Zhang Yang put his lips onto my ear, "I can chase you, but you have to promise me three things."

"Hm?"

What Zhang Yang said then was very methodical, as if he'd gone over it in his mind many times before. He said, "One, you have to finish things up with that big and tall boyfriend of yours. Two, go pursue a boy named Xu Yi. No matter what methods you use, you have to catch him in your hands. Three, before you finish the first two things, no one is to know what's going on between us."

"No problem," I said.

"You're not going to ask why?"

"No."

"Good." He tightened his arms, and said, "＿＿＿" I listened and closed my eyes.

I didn't translate what he said there because I have no clue what it means. Probably not important, right? Haha. (Original text: 你把劬Ρ掌鹄础)

"Your eyeshadow... It's green?" he said.

"Mm."

"I like it. You're really a very out of the ordinary girl."

"Woman." I opened my eyes to correct him.

He laughed cooly, and then he kissed me. I knew then, I was done for. I've kissed a lot of boys before, but Zhang Yang... He was different.

Zhang Yang was definitely different. Using a very old-fashioned phrase to describe it: If he were a flame, I would be the stupid, reckless moth.

The evening after I left Zhang Yang, I went to look for my cousin.

My cousin was the only one who could take care of Blackie. Maybe he got bored after being in the internet cafe for too long, but Blackie had already called me several times. I just didn't want to answer the calls. Zhang Yang was the only thing on my mind. My mouth smelled like a fragrant smoke, Zhang Yang's scent. I was a rippling pond, with no way to calm down.

In order to gain all this, I was willing to pay any price.

Eyes red, I told my cousin, "Blackie messed with me."

He looked at me and asked, "So what do you want to do?"

I told him, "Make him stop bothering me from now on."

The second day at school, Blackie would walk around me when he saw me. His crew was the same. When they saw me, they quickly tried to avoid me, just like a rat to a mouse.

I felt a calm I'd never felt before.

Of course, it was a bit lonely too.

I sat on the classroom windowsill and texted Zhang Yang. I told him that Blackie was easily taken care of, and asked when I should start on the second task. He didn't respond, and I was restless until the start of class.

I saw one of Blackie's subordinates, who said to me with a frightened voice, "Blackie bro wants to see you."

"But I don't want to see him," I said.

"Please, Bala sis. Just go see him, otherwise he'll beat me up."

"What's that got to do with me?!"

"Rather than hitting my body, why not just hurt in your heart," the boy said glibly.

I couldn't help but laugh. Alright, maybe I should go see Blackie once. I owed him an explanation. But I couldn't suffer any losses, so I said I'd meet him at Forget It bar.

At 8 o'clock, Blackie showed up. He was, strangely, dressed very properly. He wasn't wearing any of those nonsensical things. He took a seat in front of me, and I passed him a cigarette.

His hand was shaking, and it took him forever to light it. We kept silent. After his cigarette was halfway gone, tears showed in his eyes. And then he leaned on the table and started to cry. He beat his fists onto the tabletop, like a low-grade TV drama actor. In order to keep him from a fool of himself, I pushed him to a small room behind the bar. He came to embrace me, and I pushed him away.

Bala," he pleaded, with tears running down his face. "Don't leave me. You know, I really like you."

"Doesn't matter," I said with a cold face. "I don't like you anymore."

"All along, I haven't touched you. It's because I really like you. Can you really not tell? I can't be without you."

God, he was actually so nauseating.

"Blackie," I walked closer to him and said. "Forget it, forget me."

With bloodshot eyes, he looked at me in despair.

Someone came and knocked on the door. I told him it was nothing, implying that he should go. Blackie wiped away his tears. As he made his way to the door, he turned around. In a very loud voice, he said, "Li Bala, remember this. I'm not afraid of your cousin. I'll still wait for you to give me another chance. I'm going to conquer you."

When he finished speaking, he made a clean exit.

It was the first time, in all the time that I'd known Blackie, that I'd felt he was kind of cute. His tears, his confidence all pointed to him being a real man. It was the first time I felt respect for him. But, he wasn't the kind of guy I liked. I liked someone like Zhang Yang. That was set by fate, and no one had any way to change that.

I calmly waited for Zhang Yang's news.

Then one day, he told me to get online.

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I went on, and we added each other on QQ (instant messenger). He sent me a photo of the boy named Xu Yi. He also sent me the boy's daily schedule. He said, no matter what, I had to find a way to make this boy fall for me.

I asked him, "How are you going to thank me?"

He told me, "You think I don't know what you want? Don't worry. When the chance comes, I'll make your wish come true."

I responded, "Chances are created."

And he said, "I don't like speaking about terms with others, especially girls."

You see, I've searched mountains and rivers, and I finally found someone who was more bad than me. If I don't sacrifice my life for him, who would I sacrifice for?

In all my years, it was usually boys chasing after me. I had never so carefully and deliberately gone after someone. That's to say, this Xu Yi kid would be pretty happy. It was after I starting "chasing" him that I understood, that I found out that he and Zhang Yi were the same. They were both very influential at Tian High. Or in other words, they were enemies. But there was a lot that was different between them too. That is, Xu Yi was really a very good kid.

I was like a cloud of disaster, slowly swimming into his life. It wasn't that I didn't feel any guilt for what I was doing, but for my Little Yang, I had no other choice.

I thought up many plans to get close to Xu Yi. I would follow him after his evening self-study classes. Once, I even got a bicycle to ride around after him. Soon after, everyone knew that there was a bad girl, Bala, who was pursuing him. One time, he pulled another girl to walk along with him. He was trying to tell me he was already taken, but I didn't pay any care to that. I even flashed him a smile and gave a whistle. I shrugged and walked off to the side, no longer watching them.

On the weekends, I would go to the gym to watch him play ball in the afternoon. I'd always sit there the whole time, no matter how hot it got. When he scored a point, I'd shout loudly, "Xu Yi, I love you!" Actually, I was there to watch Zhang Yang. What I really wanted to say was, "Little Yang, I love you." Sometimes Zhang Yang would go there to play, but he'd never pay me any attention, as if he didn't even know me. When students from the other schools came to play and heard my shouts, they'd cry out with ambiguous laughter. Xu Yi must have felt embarrassed, his face a bit red. But there was nothing he could do.

One time, I was following him and suddenly started singing out, "Hey, boy in the front! Look over here, look over here!" That scared him quite a bit, and he ran away. Later, I found out that when he walked alone, he would nervously look around a bit before he felt assured.

Sometimes I would write him a letter and leave it in his mailbox. I'd just talk about whatever, like my family's cat, the flowers on the balcony, etc. But he never responded.

But I knew that I'd disrupted his life greatly.

He told me later that I was like a sweet-smelling plant that enchanted him. He wouldn't know how to stop if he got caught in it, so it was best to just ignore it.

But finally, he gave into temptation. It was on the weekend, after school, when he came up to me and said, "Let's go see that cat of yours!"

Hoohoo, I succeeded!

I really wanted to tell Zhang Yang about this news, but I didn't have the time. I brought Xu Yi to the river bank. That was the only small river we had. Though there wasn't a great view, it was very peaceful there. I saw a very good girl sitting on the river bank, reading. Maybe it was a novel or something. But when she saw us, she quickly put away her book and ran off.

I've seen this girl numerous times. She was very cute. I didn't ever want to be that cute in this life.

Xu Yi asked me, "What are you looking at?"

"Nothing." I looked away, "Have you finally fallen in love with me? So, chasing after guys was this much work, huh."

At that side of that small river, Xu Yi walked away until he stood 5 meters away from me, his back to me. I also didn't walk closer to him.

In the final moments of sunset, the sky was painted a lustrous red. The wind was very strong. I'd left home in a hurry that day, so my hair was tied into a messy bun. My hair now flew and stuck to my face. I said loudly to him, "So, you're not even willing to talk to me?"

"I'm really pretty, right? I know I'm really pretty."

"Xu Yi, my friend, I like you."

He clenched his fist, as if he wanted to punch a hole into something.

Eventually, I squatted down by the river, without another word. This surprised him, so he turned around, thinking I'd already left. Seeing me still there, he started to rub his eyes.

I muttered, "There's sand in my eyes."

I lifted my head up and said to him, "There's sand in my eyes. Come and help me blow it out, won't you? It really hurts."

He didn't move.

I said again, "It really hurts, okay? Come over and help me."

Xu Yi finally made up his mind, and he walked over and crouched down, wanting to see how my eyes were. When he saw the way my eyes were smiling, it was already too late. I reached out my hand, quickly and gently lifting up his face, and I kissed him. He was surprised by the kiss, but he didn't try to escape.

He was so wonderful, I was touched. In that moment, I really felt I wasn't a person.

I was tricking him, this wonderful child.

4 LONG AGO DRIED UP MEADOW

It's not that I didn't feel guilty, but love made me lose reason. At three in the morning, I ran over to an abandoned building on the outskirts of town. I climbed the stairs and went for a smoke. I watched as the cigarette butt dropped, a weak spark, hopelessly falling to the grass below.

There was dirty mud on the grass.

I told myself, "Bala, you're not bad. You're just capricious."

One day after school, I walked out and suddenly saw Xu Yi.

He was carrying a large backpack, leaning against the huge Chinese parasol tree at the school gate. He watched as I approached, his eyes carrying a grief that he tried to hide but couldn't hide.

I walked over and brightly said, "Handsome, what's up? You actually skipped class today?"

"I missed you, Bala." Xu Yi said with some difficulty, "I haven't heard from you in two days."

I extended my hand and pinched his face. "I'm sorry, baby. I've been so busy the last two days."

"Busy with what?" he asked.

"Busy with what... Hm, let me think." My eyes lifted up toward the sky, and I saw Blackie. A very tall Blackie, with seven or eight boys behind him, walking out from the school.

My heart skipped a beat.

I wanted Xu Yi to leave quickly, but it was already too late. Blackie's gang surrounded us quickly. He was wearing those dazzling metal ornaments again. The way he looked, standing there silently, was kind of scary. He looked like a dog that would eat a person up.

I nudged Xu Yi and said, "Go first."

Xu Yi didn't move.

Blackie said gruffly, "Could this be the pretty boy that you like? Bala, your taste is really getting harder and harder to understand."

"You dare touch him?" I asked Blackie. "I'll be done with you."

"Hahaha!" Blackie laughed to the skies. "Li Bala, I just realized that you don't fucking know how to love!"

"Yeah," I said. "I fucking got rid of you, so now all you have left is to be jealous! What are you going to do?"

"What can I do? I don't want to do anything, I wouldn't know how. Even if I were going to do something, I wouldn't tell you about it!" Blackie said in a rushed voice. Such a tongue twister, but he actually said it so smoothly.

"Leave!" I hissed out.

Blackie's crew looked at me, one by one, anger all over their faces.

Xu Yi stood next to me, breathing heavily.

My mind was racing. If they started fighting, should I call 110 (emergency services) or find backup? Or should I go get a teacher? Before I could figure things out, Blackie snapped his fingers, and with a defeated voice said, "Let's go."

After he spoke, he was the first to turn around and walk away.

I'd just gotten a hold on my heavy heart, when something I never would have expected happened. Xu Yi charged forward, wielding fists. He came from behind and gave Blackie's shoulder a heavy blow. And he shouted out, "Baldie, I'm warning you. Don't you dare bully Bala! I won't let you bully her!"

Then, it was chaos.

My poor, thoughtless child... It was eight against one, so you can guess the outcome.

He was hit until his head was broken. He ended up lying in the hospital for an entire week, and he also got punished by his school.

In the end, my selflessness earned Zhang Yang's trust. He finally stopped over at my house. He raised his thumb at me, "Well done, girl. I knew you could do it."

The old woman was out playing mahjong again. From my experience, she definitely wouldn't be coming back.

I said, "Little Yang, you should reward me. I've led someone astray for you."

"Oh come on," he said. "Don't tell me it was the first time."

But it really was the first time. In my small room, I saw Zhang Yang approach me.

There was a mix of scents in my dorm. A light scent of female menstrual blood, the smell of undergarments, body wash and shampoo, and all sorts of perfumes. Of course, there was also Zhang Yang's scent. On the balcony, there was a pink wind-chime. At three in the afternoon, in the warm, idling air, you could hear a tinkling sound. All of this made me feel dizzy. I pushed him away gently, and jumped over my bed to the door, closing and locking it carefully. Slightly embarrassed, I sat down on my bed and said, "Come here."

That's how I was. For a love that came suddenly, that wouldn't see light, I selflessly gave myself.

This world has lied to me, so I must pay it back. I won't let go of any little bit of happiness that belongs to me.

I could see myself in Zhang Yang's eyes. Ah, how beautiful I was.

When I woke up, I realized he was still sleeping.

His eyes were closed, his breathing was even. Long eyelashes fluttered. Before then, I never knew that boys could have such long and pretty eyelashes. I couldn't help myself and reached out my hand. He didn't wake up, only letting out a vague grunt, before turning over and continuing to sleep. I got up from the bed and pulled on my nightgown. I saw a spot of red on my sheets, long and murky, like a map that suddenly had a new mark on it. It wasn't at all like I had imagined.

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To be honest, I didn't think that it would hurt that much.

I turned and headed to the bathroom to clean myself up. In the mirror, I saw my face, slightly haggard, but unable to resist happiness. I squeezed the left side of my face, "Girl." And then the right, "Woman." Then I laughed out loud, shamelessly.

In the mirror, I also saw an upside down clock. My mother sent it from the US. I don't know why she sent a clock, but I knew it was very, very special. I remember when Grandma received this international package that had crossed thousands of miles, her face went purple with fury. She promptly threw the clock into the backyard. With dust flying, there came a deafening echo. In the middle of the night, I slipped out back and brought it back quietly. But since then, it's had to suffer staying inside this small bathroom that belonged only to me.

Right now, it was telling me that it was 7 at night.

I suddenly felt very hungry. I wasn't sure if the sleeping boy would also be hungry, but I knew that I should make something to eat before he woke up. I crept over to the door and walked out to the kitchen. The refrigerator was shamefully empty. It actually dared to call itself a refrigerator? I slammed the door shut and went to check the rice cooker. It was half full. I took a sniff, and it smelled...edible.

I decided to cook a pot pan of fried rice. It would feed me and my darling as well.

Of course, I also had to feed my cat.

I suddenly felt like I was a good, sweet girl, with such a sense of responsibility.

With my very contented heart, I began frying my rice. God knew, this was what I was good at. I completed the task with ease. Even when the oil was cooking in the pan, I found time to pick some green onions and vegetables from the backyard. Just as I finished up, I heard the sound of keys being inserted in the door.

My... That... Oh God.

I quickly turned off the fire, ran to my room, and locked the door.

After about a minute, the old woman started beating on my door, "Why did you close the door? Come out, come out! Do you hear me? Open the door!"

The fierce knocking woke up Zhang Yang. I covered his mouth and shrugged to him, helplessly. I signaled for him to remain silent.

With some confusion, he began to pull on his shirt and trousers. With even greater confusion, he looked at the ambiguous spots on the bed sheets. The old woman was rapping loudly on the door – oh, it should be that she was beating the door. "Li Bala, come out! Don't think that I don't know what you're up to!"

I motioned to the window with my mouth, signaling to Zhang Yang that he should leave that way.

Zhang Yang took the hint. He held my face in his hands, and forcefully sucked on my lips, before he turned to the window and disappeared into the night.

I quickly closed the window. Then I turned around and grabbed some dirty clothes and magazines to cover up my sheets. Finally I went to open the door, lazily asking, "Aren't you tired? You're not young anymore, you should watch out for your health."

The old woman came into my room in a flash. Her gaze and posture was like those secret agents in American movies. She scanned my room and asked, "Where is he?"

"Who?" I said.

"When you ran inside before, I saw someone lying on the bed."

"You old people sure are interesting." I saw down on the piles of clothes on my bed and flipped open a magazine. "Look. When you're done, please get out. I want to sleep."

"I'm warning you," she walked closer, finger pointing to my nose. "If you want to make trouble, go ahead. But not here. Otherwise I'll throw you out!"

"Where are you going to throw me to?" I asked her. "This house belongs to my father. Don't you forget that."

She angrily turned around and walked out.

I closed my door, sat down, and started clearing out my mind. I decided to take care of the problem on my beds sheets. I didn't pull off the sheets, but rather, retrieved a basin of water, a brush, and some soap from the bathroom. Then I crouched down on the floor, slowly and patiently brushing at the sheet. I watched as the mark disappeared and melted away, as I smiled and thought how good a day it was. My wish finally came true. I gave myself to him.

How wonderful.

I didn't want to go anywhere that evening. Wearing a dirty pair of jeans and a thin, pink cardigan, I walked alone, along the river. I was feeling surprisingly good, and I even hummed a little tune. I kept recalling the moment when Zhang Yang's face was right up next to mine, and when I saw my beautiful reflection in his dark eyes. It was like a movie, replaying in my mind, over and over again, tirelessly.

I waited for so long. Finally, I, Li Bala, let the person I love, love me.

I leaned against a tree on the river side and pulled out my cellphone. My fingers slid along the orange screen and then dialed a number. The phone rang for a long time before someone answered it. A lazy male voice came, "Who's looking for Zhang Yang?"

"Me," I said, lighting up a cigarette.

"He went to evening self-study."

"Oh."

He hung up the phone, not caring about or asking who I was.

I guessed that he must have been Zhang Yang's father. Maybe there were too many girls who called Yang, so he was no longer curious about it. I felt a bit desolate, my mood dropping from boiling to freezing. Maybe it was because I was hungry. The taste of the cigarette in my mouth was unusually bitter. I got down from the tree and walked around twice. I began to feel uncontrollably irritable. I decided to go to the noodle shop to fill my stomach first.

The noodle shop was pretty empty and still at 9 PM, but the boss was smiling, waiting for the influx of students after evening self-study. During this idle time, the four shop boys were playing poker behind the counter. The boy who lost five dollars grew red in the face from shame, with a look of despair.

I put five dollars on the counter, "Extra beef! Large bowl of noodles!"

I found a suitable place to sit and continued smoking. They were 555s (cigarette brand). I wasn't used to smoking them, but when I wasn't feeling good, I would smoke 555. Then I saw her, wearing a cute backpack and a black T-shirt, her face flushed pink. She opened the door and came inside. This girl was from Tian High. I've seen her before, but we never spoke. To be honest, she really looked very cute, so much that I suddenly wanted to tease her a bit. I held my cigarette high, my eyes wandering to the TV, with an arrogant look on my face. I thought she would be afraid, that she'd frown and hide from me. Then I could have a great laugh about her loss.

Who knew that she would sit down right in front of me?

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That gave me a big surprise. I glanced over at her, and she was watching me, a pair of big, bright eyes. I felt a bit jealous. I decided to keep teasing her. I reached out my arm and took some of the cilantro from her bowl, placing it into my own. I thought that after that, she could stand up and angrily storm out. Who knew I'd be wrong again? She only looked at me briefly before lowering her head, continuing to eat her noodles, as if nothing had happened at all.

My interest in her started to grow. This child was quite cute and clever, so much that she really made people want to love her. I noticed that her ears were turning a cute red color. I always liked picking out nicknames for people, so I decided to call her Little Ear.

She was like my Little Yang, clean and pure.

Not long after, I found out her name. She was called Li Er. Sometimes she was called Wood Ear. The similarity between that name and the nickname I gave her was amazingly coincidental.

This world is like that, made up of innumerable coincidences. Little Ear and I weren't the same type of girl at all, but we came to understand each other and become good friends.

I swear, when we walked out of the noodle shop, and she pulled out her umbrella to give to me, that's what I thought.

"If you get wet, you'll get a cold," she said to me. I took the umbrella, and the handle was still warm from her hands. No one had treated me that well before. Moreover, we were strangers. My heart felt like a piece of cotton that had been punched, a deep nest being formed, unable to rise back up.

I held the umbrella, running all the way to Tian High. It wasn't until I arrived that I realized I'd never opened it up. A lot of mud had splashed on my legs, making me look dirtier. I hid in a corner, hoping to see my dearest come out. My heart was tangled up with emotions, and I couldn't escape. Suddenly, someone rapped lightly on my head, giving me a great fright.

"Hi," he said. "I guessed you'd be here, and here you are."

It was Xu Yi.

Oh, that was strange. I had been keeping an eye on the school gates, but I hadn't seen him come out.

I smiled at him a bit stiffly.

"What's the matter, Bala?" He took the umbrella in my hands and covered my head, asking with concern, "Your lips are purple. Are you cold?"

"Oh, a bit," I said.

"You waited a long time for me, right?" Xu Yi said. "Third year (senior year) is like that. Even after self-study is over, the teacher talks on endlessly. But I can take tomorrow off. I think I can come out and play with you."

I hugged myself as I listened to him speak. Absently, I responded, "Really? You're not afraid of your mom?" I still watched the school gate out of the corner of my eye. And that's when I saw him, walking out from the school, side by side with a girl. He had an umbrella, but it was always tilted a bit towards the girl. If I wasn't remembering wrongly, I saw that girl at the noodle shop before.

Zhang Yang must have seen my too, but he didn't pay me any attention. It seemed like he only nodded slightly at me and then walked past.

It was drizzling in the evening. There was a lingering scent of lilac in the air. I stood under Xu Yi's umbrella, watching Zhang Yang hold am umbrella for another girl, as they walked past me. That girl's face was filled with a proud arrogance as well as happiness. For the first time, I realized what it meant to be crushingly defeated, to be utterly heartbroken. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't pull my gaze away from their backs. I really wanted to jump out at them and snatch away his umbrella and stand in front of them. But I couldn't do it, because I knew very clearly that if I did, then Zhang Yang would never be mine.

I swallowed. A bit of impatience spoils great plans.

"What are you looking at?" Xu Yi asked me. "Do you know him?"

"No," I said. "I just think he's kind of handsome."

Xu Yi tried hard to laugh, "Is he handsome, or am I more handsome?"

"Of course my boyfriend is more handsome." I grabbed onto Xu Yi's arm and said, "Look at them like that. Let's go over and see who's the better couple!"

He stretched out his arm and pulled me to walk in front of him. With one hand, he held the umbrella, and with the other, he made sure that I walked forward carefully. We turned a corner, and another, and another, until we arrived at a place he thought was safe. We were under a large building.

It was an office building, and it was empty in the night, pitch dark.

I leaned against the wall. Xu Yi extended his hand, resting it atop my head. I could smell the scent from his body, youthful and eager, very different to Zhang Yang. This kid that I turned bad... I was afraid he would kiss me at that moment, so I turned my head and rested my chin on my shoulder. The fakeness of that innocent action made me a bit disgusted (at myself).

Voice hoarse, Xu Yi said, "Bala, the more I see you, the more beautiful you are. Really."

"Are you going the ball court to play tomorrow?" I asked, evading his comment.

"Didn't I say I would spend the day with you tomorrow?" he said. "Think it over, where should we go to play?"

"I don't have anywhere to go tonight," I said.

"What's wrong?"

"I had a fight with the old lady at home, so I left," I said.

"Ah? Then what are you going to do?" He seemed a bit flustered.

Without reason, I said, "I want you to stay with me. Tonight, the whole night."

"But, Bala..." He held me. "But my mom..."

"Forget it." I lightly pushed him forward. Pretending not to care, "Forget it. I'll stay at the bar for the night. It will be day soon anyway. You should hurry home. Bye bye!"

"Bala!" He rushed over to grab me. "Don't be angry. I'll think of something."

"Like what?" I said.

Surprisingly, he said, "Why don't you come to my house!"

I stared at him with eyes wide open.

5 STRAIGHT TO THE POINT

"My house is big, and my parents don't come out of their room at night. Stay around my house, and I'll go inside first. When it's safe, I'll send you a text and open the door for you. And in the morning, you can leave early. They won't know at all."

"Then where would I sleep?" I asked, straight to the point.

"Sleep..." He thought for a moment before saying, "You can sleep wherever you want."

"Deal," I said.

That day, 80% of my brain was bad. I had this impulse to do something bad, and I couldn't stop myself. I thought of Xu Yi's parents, and said to myself loftily – Li Bala, you really are something. You know you're walking into a tiger's den, but you don't care.

Xu Yi brought me home. When we were almost at the door, he motioned for me to wait as he went inside.

His home was on the fourth floor. I waited between the third and fourth floors, lifting my leg up to the railing, and then I pulled out my 555 (smoke). It was the last cigarette in the box, so I crumpled the box and tossed it down. Then I suddenly wondered if Xu Yi, this good kid, would have any smokes. If not, it would be a very long night here.

Just as I was thinking about it, my phone rang. I turned the ringer on my phone off, and the screen kept flashing the words "Zhang Yang."

I answered the phone, a bit flustered.

"Where are you?" he asked.

I bit down on my smoke and said, "I'm at Xu Yi's, waiting for his parents to sleep. Then I'll slip inside and spend the night with him."

"You dare?!" he said.

"I guess so," I responded.

"Come to the old place, I'll be waiting." When Zhang Yang was done speaking, he hung up.

I was glad I didn't wear my pointed shoes that day. I put away my phone and ran down from Xu Yi's place. I ran the 100 meters or so to that small street – that familiar, muddy path. Thinking of my darling waiting there for me, I felt like a light dove, the wind whistling beneath my wings.

He was really there.

I slowed my steps, calmed my breathing, and slowly walked closer to him.

I was worried that it was just a dream.

"Hi." He was leaning against the wall, wearing his cap again.

"Hi." I extended my hand and waved through the air, looking like a major fool.

He hooked his fingers to mine, and I was like a child shooting marbles (?). In an instant, I was in his arms. As I held him onto him, I thought I wouldn't ever want to let go. Even if the heavens split and the earth sinks, I wouldn't.

"Bala," Zhang Yang spoke into my ear. "I think I've actually fallen a bit in love with you."

I closed my eyes, not responding.

In my heart, I proudly thought, "Of course, of course."

"I want to talk to you," Zhang Yang said. "I'm just afraid there isn't a place."

"Come with me!" I broke free from his arms, and pulled him along as I ran. After a while, he stopped and asked me, "Hey, where are you taking me to?"

"Shh!" I turned around, raising a finger to his lips, motioning for him to be quiet. He grabbed onto my waist and started kissing me forcefully.

"Bala, Bala..." he said. "I love you. I can't let you be together with anyone else. I can't!"

"Okay, okay," I said, as if coaxing a small child. I patted his back, saying, "I won't be together with anyone else. I promise."

"Okay." He lifted his head and asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Let's go, I'll take you somewhere." I grabbed his hand and kept running forward. After we'd gone half way, he let go, and then grabbed my hand in his. He smiled playfully and said, "I'm more used to it like this."

"Are you usually the one who holds a girl's hand first?"

"No, I'm never the one to initiate." He laughed again.

Under the winter moon, I couldn't stop watching his expression. I couldn't calm my excited emotions. And like that, we held hands, heading toward the outskirts of town, to the abandoned house I often went to.

First, I climbed the roof with a sense of familiarity, and Zhang Yang followed behind. He asked me, with a sense of strangeness, "How did you find this place? I never knew there was such a place."

"This place used to be a labor workshop. But they stopped making things, so the place has been left empty. There's nothing at all inside. When I'm not feeling good, I like to run over here, and sit on the roof by myself."

"Then, what about now? You're not feeling good?" Zhang Yang asked me, as he pushed away the hair in my face."

I stopped him and cleaned up my messy hair, tying it up.

Seeing how he stared at me as I tied my hair up with a rubber band, I hit him with and asked, "What are you looking at!"

He smiled and then sat down on the roof, looking off into the distance.

I took out my silenced phone and saw that I had ten missed calls. All from Xu Yi. There was a text as well. "Where did you go? I want to see you right now. Come over, okay?"

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I didn't care and just turned off the phone. Sitting next to Zhang Yang, I asked, "What do you want to talk about?"

"Do you think that I'm a very bad person?" He cut right to the chase.

"A bit," I said. "Almost as bad as me."

"I don't think you're bad," he said. "I never would have thought that it would be your first time today."

"Oh," I said. "It's better not to talk about that, don't make it awkward."

"Do you regret it?" he asked.

"Of course not," I said with a laugh.

"Why?" He turned to ask me, his eyes burning brightly.

I answered, "I love you, Zhang Yang. You lured me in, and from the first moment I saw you, I fell in love with you."

"You're not at all ordinary," he said. "You should know, at the start, I just wanted to use you."

"I was willing to be used."

"This might bring you trouble."

"Even if it causes my death, since it was trouble you brought, I would still enter the underworld with a smile."

"Bala, there's a lot I want to say to you. You're the first girl who's made me want to pour (my heart) out."

"Then talk." I moved closer to him, and I could feel the warmth from his body. I reached my finger out to his face, swimming back and forth. He pulled my hand down, placing it over his chest, and I could feel his heart beating. Ba-dump, ba-dump, beating steadily, beating for me. I couldn't be any more happy, when I heard Zhang Yang say, "Actually, ever since I was born, I wasn't a happy child."

"Why?" I asked softly.

"When I was two years old, my mother left me and my father, to run off and get married to some other man."

"So what?" As if trying to comfort him, I said, "My parents both left me and went abroad."

"I wish she had gone abroad, to somewhere I couldn't see or feel. But, you know what? She stayed here, and gave her love away to someone else. She could hate my father, but I couldn't understand how she could hate the child who she gave birth to. What do you think, can there be such a mother in the world?"

I suddenly recalled, "Oh yeah, when I called earlier, it was your father who picked up."

Zhang Yang said, "Should have been. He doesn't care about my matters."

"Your mom, where exactly did she go?"

Zhang Yang sat still and pulled me closed. He said to me, "Listen closely. My mother is now Xu Yi's mother. Xu Yi and I were about the same age. My mother thought my father was too poor, so she fell in love with Xu Yi's father. Then she just left us to marry him."

So that was it!

I asked, "Then what about Xu Yi's mom?"

Zheng Yang said coldly, "Xu Yi's father is scum. That poor woman, I heard she took some money and returned to the countryside."

"So... Your mom became Xu Yi's mom?"

"Seems unthinkable, right?" Zhang Yang said. "I never would have thought that there could be a mother like that. I've gone to the same school as Xu Yi since elementary school. She would come for parent-teacher meetings for Xu Yi, and when she saw me, she couldn't even bother to give me a glance. And Xu Yi was always that kid, always first in everything. I couldn't stand it. Every day, I would wonder, if he couldn't move again... I admit, I was very contemptible."

I felt Zhang Yang's tears, a warmth flowing down the back of my hand, in the cold winter night.

"That's enough (don't keep talking)." I lifted my face and moved closer to him. He held onto me tightly, his head moving over my chest, and he let out a suppressed whimper.

I felt a pain, as if my heart were being torn apart.

This lonely child. I promised I would never let him cry another tear.

Never ever.

Never.

I arrived home at 3 in the morning.

I thought I was going to have a big fight with the old lady. For example, maybe she locked the door, and no matter how much I knocked, she wouldn't open it. And maybe she would also close my window, so I wouldn't be able to get inside that way either. Then maybe I would screech at the door, or use the garbage can to charge at it. I was too excited, so I didn't want to sleep. I wanted to cause a little trouble.

But that's not what happened at all. I put my key in the door and easily opened it.

I went into my room and lied on my bed, fully clothed I didn't bathe. I couldn't bear to. I wanted my body to retain the scent of the person I loved, the scent of the evening, the scent of the Double Happiness (cigarettes) that we smoked, and also...the scent of love.

I tried to sleep for half a day, but I still couldn't fall asleep. So I sat up. With a ballpoint pen, I wrote on a piece of paper, "I'll definitely make him happy."

I brought the pen to my mouth, as if it were a cigarette, and looked at my un-pretty handwriting with satisfaction.

This was an oath I made to myself. I would do all I could to carry it out. So at 3 in the morning, I texted Xu Yi, "Forget me."

After I sent it, I threw my phone to the side and fell asleep.

At 6 in the morning, strangely, I woke up. I checked my phone as usual. There was a message from Xu Yi, "I will always love you, Bala."

Always?

Always*. In this case, literally would translate to "for this lifetime."

Then he should just treat me as if I were dead.

Soon enough, the whole city knew about Xu Yi and I breaking up.

One day, Xu Yi showed up to Forget It Bar and ordered ten bottles of beer. He sat here, drinking slowly. He didn't say that he wanted to find me, but everyone knew that he was using this method to force me out (to see him).

It had been several days since I'd sent him the text message, and since then, I hadn't bothered with him. I wanted him to realize it quickly. This was a plot. The sooner he ended his misery, the less guilt I would feel.

I'd actually always been a bright, good girl.

But he wasn't able to understand my good intentions. I heard that that night, he'd gotten really drunk, and his parents had to come to drag him away. He wasn't willing to go though. He broke all the beer bottles, cried out my name loudly, and grabbed onto the bar doors, refusing to let go.

I spent that entire night with Zhang Yang, and I didn't know about what happened at the bar. I turned off my phone, locked my door, and turned off the lights. In the darkness, we explored each other, and I felt like a volcano erupting before being extinguished. From hope to despair, and despair to rebirth, again and again, tirelessly.

After he left, I sat alone in the dark. The moonlight was coldly shining on my red-patterned dress. Then I had a thought. I would have Zhang Yang's child.

With this thought having emerged, I could no longer get rid of it. I spent a lot of time considering the price I would have to pay. Dropping out from school, being cast aside by thousands of people, becoming the topic of a tabloid, or becoming the antagonist of a TV station... But actually, all of those thoughts were in vain, because this was something I was very clear about. I was a very committed person, and for this idea, I would give up everything.

That's when my mom called. She said she'd already taken care of the formalities. She was taking me away.

I held onto my phone for a long time. This was something I had once looked forward to so much. When they had just left, I had cried into my pillow all night long. At the time, I was very fragile and sensitive, dependent on someone for everything. But now, it was all different. I wasn't the Bala from back then anymore.

I was me, and no one could change that.

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"Not going," I said.

On the other end, there came a sigh. "Mom and Dad will work hard to make up for all these years."

"You should give up on this, it's not going to happen."

I quickly realized where I was wrong.

I went to the drugstore and bought a piece of blue paper. It reportedly could tell the result. I hid in the bathroom and watched as a red line slowly appeared on the blue sheet. A little smile appeared on my face.

I sent a text to Zhang Yang, telling him that my heart hurt from how much I missed him. Forgive me for such language, but it was really how I felt. After I sent the text, I returned home. The old lady had called over a bunch of people to play mahjong at my house again. I walked around the living room to my bedroom, and no one payed me any attention.

When I got to my room, I closed the door, and dropped onto my bed. I fell asleep very quickly.

I was a bit hazy when I heard a knocking sound. I opened my eyes and saw him there, wearing his handsome cap. But he wasn't at the door, he was knocking on the window.

I jumped out from bed and opened the window to let him in.

He gave a few breaths, "It's really cold. I was standing there knocking for ages before you woke up."

"Sorry," I said. "I fell asleep."

"Sleeping in the middle of the day, I salute you," he said.

"Of course I have to sleep." I pat my stomach and said, "Now I have to take good care of myself."

He looked at me a bit nervously. He really was such a smart kid.

I sat down on my bed and pat the spot beside me, "Come, sit down."

Zhang Yang pointed outside.

I said, "Don't worry, as long as the sky doesn't fall down, the people outside won't pay any attention."

Zhang Yang sat down next to me and held me, "You know, when I got your text, I lied to the teacher to get out of class. I couldn't let you feel sad, isn't that right?"

When he said that, I felt a pang to my heart. It was the kind of pain that came from happiness, and it was harder to bear than real pain.

"When you finish school, we can spend all the days together," I said.

He thought for a moment, "I have to get into Tsinghua (University), Bala. Will you come to Beijing with me? I really like Beijing."

"Okay," I said. "I'll go with you. You can study, and I'll wait for you with our son."

He said, "Don't say nonsense."

I pat my stomach, "I want to give birth to him."

His face turned green in a moment.

"It's fine," I said. "I'll definitely raise him well and let him have a good life."

He turned my face and looked into my eyes, "This bad kid who likes to lie. Watch how I'll take care of you!"

He started tickling me, and I laughed, trying to hide. I didn't dare be too loud, lest the people outside the room would hear me. Zhang Yang grinned, his plot having succeeded. It was at that moment that I suddenly felt a pain in my stomach. I pushed him away and walked quickly to the bathroom. Then I vomited.

When I finished vomiting, I turned around to see Zhang Yang standing at the door.

He was wearing his cap again. And with a tone that scared me, he asked, "Is it really true?"

I rinsed my mouth with water from a glass.

He said, "I asked you, is it really true?"

I spit out the water from my mouth, and said clearly, "Yes."

He came over, pinched my chin and said, "Get rid of him."

"Dearest," I held onto him. "Let me give birth to your son. Don't worry, I am capable of raising him."

He pushed me away, and pointed at me with his finger. "I'm only going to tell you once more. Get rid of him. Remember, I don't want to say it again!"

"Okay," I said, lowering my head.

"Good." He reached out his hand and stroked my hair. Then shortly said, "I'm going back to class. We'll text each other."

"Zhang Yang!" I reached out to grab him. "When can I see you again?"

"We'll meet when it's time to meet. Take this money, it's all I have. If it's not enough, you figure it out. If you need to borrow it, I'll pay you back when I get next month's pocket money." When he finished speaking, he pulled out all the money in his pockets and dropped it on my bed. He turned away coldly, went out the window, and disappeared.

I feebly walked to the bed and sat down.

There was 333 dollars in total.

A very ominous number.

The word for three, 三 (sān), sounds like the word for scatter / parting / leaving, 散 (sàn).