Ryan

"We can't find her any where sir."

"Find her!"

I sit back on my chair and swivel to the window behind me, rubbing my temples.

My head is aching so much from all of this stress, but it'll never compare to the knife stuck in my heart.

It's been twelve hours, twelve hours of hell, of her not telling me about her day, or of scolding me for refusing to give her a pancake tower.

She eats way too many pancakes but I would never hold that against her.

 How could she possibly have disappeared so successfully?

I just want to hold her in my arms and tell her that I love her and that I'm sorry. I just want to feel whole again without painstaking guilt weighing over me.

I hope she's okay where ever she is. I just want her home, with me, in our bed.

I spot a small curvaceous figure on the lawn outside, standing right in the middle looking right up at me.

My heart skips a beat when I see her breath taking face, even in the rain she still looks fierce.

 She is getting drenched out there and she does  not look happy.

What if she found out.

Then I'm totally screwed.

Not in a good way.

"Sir, she's downstairs. We tried to get her up here but we failed. She demands that you come downstairs."

Demands?

I gulp raising my eyebrows, "Really? Now?" 

My heart drops to my ass and beats painfully.

I've never felt so afraid of a woman as I am right now.

I muster all of my courage and walk downstairs.

*******************************************************

We make eye contact and I step into the cold approaching her trembling self slowly, she's not shaking from the cold...she's angry...very very angry.

But it's best to play dumb. She's probably just cold right?

"Angel, I've missed you!" I run to hug her but she pushes me away coldly.

"Cut the bullshit! Explain yourself."

I rub the back of my neck and sigh, I saw this coming.

 "From the beginning?"

******************************************************

Angel

I really hope he's ready to get castrated, and I hope I'm not acting like some crazy bitch.

But, as expected...he tells me everything that Rose said, confirming that all of these horrible things are true.

He tries to step forward his hand outstretched, panic setting into his eyes.

I smack it away, tears welling in my eyes.

I'm finally awake and walking here in the rain really sobered me up. Cold and wet in so many places I didn't know even existed.

All the things that help me focus especially when I'm in front of Mr Douche.

And yes the name is back.

Because he's a douche bag.

A super hot one-

Stop it!

Okay okay...give me a moment to remember what's going on.

"I can't believe that I loved you!" Emphasizing the past tense.

"Lena, I. I. It. I love you."He stutters.

"Don't ever utter those lies to me ever!"

The ground beneath my feet trembles, I tremble with anger and sadness. 

Nausea swirls in my empty stomach, my heart is struggling to keep a steady beat. It feels as if my blood has become tar and is struggling to flow once again.

An insatiable fire burns through me, burns all of the oxygen in my body. I start to hyperventilate.

Everything is spinning, this feeling is all too familiar.

I've slept with my regrets and me loving him is the biggest mistake I have ever made. I have felt like this so many times, the weight of invisible lead is heavier than a five hundred tonne battleship.

For years I've fought back the tears, fought back the ache, denied the black cloud which has waited to hang over me. The voices in my head telling me to succumb to the darkness. To embrace it, to anger me.

For once, let me be angry.

Let me be the sociopath. Let me be the flame that seeks to destroy everything in its path.

Every beat of my heart, throbs. Wounds re-opening, the pain intensifying.

Even as he kneels below me, begging me to forgive him. Even as he apologizes over and over again, I will not register it.

I know that it's not true, if he's sorry he'll make the world bend over backwards and say sorry to me.

If he truly means it, he'll have to turn back the clock and undo all of this.

"I wish I'd never met you Ryan."

He looks up at me, drenched completely his eyes bloodshot. "Please don't say that." He says holding onto my waist, begging tirelessly.

I thought I could confide in him, but look. "Everyone I have ever gotten close to. Look at what has happened Ryan! Look at me!"

I scream, pools running down my cheeks, anger never subsiding. Hot liquid streaming, burning every crevice, every crack in my skin.

Everything feels so raw, all of these emotions.

That's when I hear it.

He buries his head in my stomach, his shoulders shaking.

He tries at first to stifle it,but he breaks down. His sobs are loud but muffled, his whole body starts to shake, his words inaudible.

He looks up at my shocked form, not hiding his trembling lips, even as the rain beats heavily on his face, his tears fall.

He weeps, tears streaming from his green eyes dripping from his chin, loud and heavy sobs tearing from his throat. Clear snot falls from his flared nostrils.

Still, I can't look away.

It's funny and sad at the same time.

The authenticity, the emotion all of it is raw. 

For the first time, it's not fake.

He's revealing his vulnerability to me. A man's protective barrier wearing down, brick by brick.

I cry at this sight, he is actually crying. For once, I see his weakness.

"Lena, I love you...I..didn't...mean to hurt...you." He says in between.

"I can't afford to lose you. Not like this...I'm sorry." He wails clinging to me tighter.

His sobs are becoming way too hysterical, but I love it.

It's enough proof to show how he cares.

"Ryan, I-"

"Please don't leave me! You're all I have."

I stumble back, but his grip becomes tighter.

He takes my arm and starts to kiss it desperately, "Please?"

"Ryan I-"

He starts to get up slowly, kissing me more vigorously.

"Baby don't go."

I'm torn, should I stay mad or should I go.

The next thing I know, he  slams his lips to mine and nearly knocks all wind from my lungs.

I hardly have a moment to react before he presses his tongue to the seam of my lips and, I let him access. It's a very passionate kiss but with a tad bit of confusion. His arms encircling me.

I pull away instantly, his gaze glued onto mine.

"Ryan, I can't-"

He interrupts me, "Lena, I love you. I'm sorry for what I did to you but I...I can't live without you."

Wouldn't it be best if I let him die then?

"But, my dad...he's expecting me."

He looks at me confused, "What?Since when do you have a dad? Never mind, I really truly am sorry. Please give me a chance."

I bite my lip, concerned. 

This is all beyond me.

Everything around me becomes still, should I stay or should I go ahead with the plan?