Last night

Ryan

She leaves sloppy kisses on my chest and soon gets to unzipping the fly of my jeans.

"Finally! It's been so long!" She exclaims.

I'm beginning to hate her voice even more, I feel nothing to be honest.

What's happening to me?

Every time she touches me I imagine Lena doing a better job.

Pictures of her disappointed face looking away from me, angry and sad.

It feels so real am I'm so helpless.

Crying out, "Why are you doing this to me Ryan!" Her voice ringing in my head in absentia.

I don't know why!

I wish I could scream it out.

Every time I think of her I'm swept by overwhelming joy and guilt at the same time.

This affair has been going on for a while and I don't know why I keep going back to this whore.

It's just not right.

"Why aren't you hard yet?" Brandy asks kneeling with a hideous pout on her face.

With every touch the guilt weighing on my shoulders becomes heavier tenfold.

"Get away from me!"

I kick her in the head absent mindedly, I need to get away from her.

This is wrong, why am I doing this to Lena?

She doesn't deserve this!

I button up my shirt nearing the door of the motel.

"Are you willing to risk your reputation for her?" She asks in a sickening sing song voice.

Right, she knows my secret.

I sigh and without turning I reply, "She'll never know because you will have no mouth to tell her."

She gasps and shifts, "You can't deny this Ryan! Why do you think you keep coming back to me?! It's love!"

Ugh!

I shudder at the thought of it.

God, she's catching feelings.

"Don't be stupid, this is transactional. You're just the slut the whole school sleeps with."

"You're going to regret this Ryan!" She screams at me throwing one of her heels but I shut the door before it reaches me.

And with that I race out of the motel away from the biggest mistake of my life.

Home

I sit on the smallest unoccupied spot on the bed.

She's literally sprawled on every corner like a spider yawning so adorably.

All the sheets are on the floor her leg twitching slightly.

Why go out when I have her?

She makes me feel so weak and vulnerable when she's away even for a second.

I need her with me, her bubbly personality to her natural beauty is all I need to get by.

I should never take her for granted.

She lights up my darkness, makes me laugh.

She's perfect, I wasn't looking for love when I found her.

Her butterfly effect has me scared and nervous at the same time.

I feel strong around her and weak simultaneously, leaves me hopeless when she sees me when she touches me.

She has me wrapped me around her little pinky finger somehow.

I wish I could tell her right now.

I stroke her curls, they're so beautiful and so perfect.

I don't deserve her.

I never will.

I'm evil for betraying her trust repeatedly like this, to make matters worse I have a history of doing the same thing to another girl.

Nothing can excuse that, how do I explain it to her?

She should never find out about my plan or the past, it would risk me losing everything I care about...

All I love is here

All I've ever cared about besides my reputation is her

All that matters to me in this world

...

Is her.

The truth would break her.

I can't forgive myself for that