There was this one promise I would repeatedly say to myself like a mantra I lived for, to not end up like my Mom. I swore to God, prayed and begged Him to allow me to live a life far from how my Mother did. I despise the way she lives and I don't want to be a replica of it. I don't want to be the kind of monster that she is.

That's why I ran away.

But maybe just like her... I am cursed.

"Would you rather do it the classical way? Or would you try to do all the options and choose the best possible way?" I asked myself as my forefinger continued tracing the rim of the coupe champagne glass in front of me.

Nakalapat ang pisngi ko sa malamig at matigas na bar counter kung saan ako kasalukuyang nakapuwesto. Kaharap ko ang champagne glass at ang isang bote ng tequila na wala ng laman. I finished it ten minutes ago and now on my way to finish my first bottle of champagne.

I could feel the vibration of the bar counter caused by the booming music surrounding the whole place, and it only worsened the dizziness that I was feeling. Hindi pa ako lasing sa kabila ng mga nainom ko pero nakararamdam na ako ng kaunting hilo.

But it's still not enough for me to go home. I still need more, a lot more, enough for me to just pass out the moment that my back rests on my soft mattress.

"Oh, shoot..." I moved my fingers sideways, signaling a no, to contradict whatever that I have imagined for the rest of my night. "I don't sleep in a soft and expensive mattress na nga pala," natatawang pagkausap ko sa sarili ko. "Papag na gawa sa nabubulok na kawayan na binahayan na ng mga surot ang uuwian kong higaan ngayon gabi." Napapangusong umangat ang kanang kamay ko para itapik sa aking kaliwang balikat. "Pity you, Prescilla Hope. Poor you."

I closed my eyes and let myself be consumed by the beautiful darkness that has been a good friend of mine since the day that I lost everything in my life. The darkness that always brings me peace. The darkness that knew everything about my pain and misery. The darkness that never fails to embrace me whenever tough times come blocking my way.

And soon, the darkness that will own my being.

The loud music echoing at the whole bar started to sound weak in my ears the moment that I felt my eyelids getting heavy. But even before I could drift off to sleep, a menacing voice dominated my ears.

"Ramon," a man's deep voice called.

He sounded so dangerous. He sounded so powerful like he's a ruler and everyone should bow down and obey his words. His voice is deep, husky, and manly.

Even with my eyes closed, I knew that he would also be good-looking. He would probably have a bearded square jaw. Siguro ay makakapal ang kilay niya at bahagyang salubong na parang gano'n ang natural na ayos no'n. His nose would probably look like a greek nose and his lips would be red, a bit pouty, and kissable. For his eyes, hmm, probably deep black.

Like the darkness that I always love.

"Is everything fine here, Ramon?" he asked, probably talking to the bartender who's been serving me for the past hours that I've entered this bar.

"Yes, Sir Waldo. But I think this lady need some assistance, Sir," magalang na sagot niya.

At dala na rin ng kuryosidad na malaman kung tama ba ang hinala kong magiging itsura niya ay unti-unti kong idinilat ang namumungay kong mga mata.

To say that I was surprised is an understatement when I was greeted by the exact same features that I had imagined he would have.

Ngunit hindi ko maiwasan ang makaramdam ng pagkadismaya dahil imbes na itim na mga mata ay kulay abo ang kaniya. Gustuhin ko mang maging kulay itim 'yon, hindi ko maitatanggi na mas bumabagay sa mukha niya ang kulay ng mga matang taglay niya.

Unti-unting bumaba ang paningin niya sa akin hanggang sa tuluyan nang sinakop ng mga mata niya ang kabuuan ko. Ang antok at hilo na kumakain sa sistema ko ay biglang naglaho na kasing bilis ng kisap-mata nang maramdaman ko ang pagkabuhay na matagal nang naglaho sa puso ko.

Life.

It feels like a spark, a quick flicker of light in the middle of a dark and wide nothingness. A light that left me a long time ago. A spark that brought a second of warmth to my heart that had been cold for a very long time.

His pair of gentle eyes shines despite the darkness of the whole place. The way that he looked at me with worry even though he knew nothing about me. His gray eyes look intimidating at a quick glance but actually look tender if you stare at it for a long time.

I was hypnotized by the way he stared, making me do things beyond my control. My body started to move on its own, seeking the light that his eyes had brought to my dying soul. I've found myself standing, fighting against my wobbly knees as I take shaky steps towards him.

"Are you okay, miss?" he asked, the worry was evident in his voice.

The spark of light that only lasted for a split second earlier happened again. Only a little longer this time. But just like the first one, it died again even before I could have a grasp on it.

And just like that, darkness ruled me again.

"I am not fine, Mister. I am nowhere near that." Nagpakawala ako ng sarkastikong tawa sa mga salitang lumalabas sa bibig ko. "Fuck this life. Fuck everyone."

Walang buhay na naglabas ako ng ilang libong papel mula sa clutch bag na dala-dala ko at basta na lang inilagay sa ibabaw ng counter katabi ng basong aking ginamit.

Walang imik na tinalikuran ko siya at handa na sana sa paglabas ng bar. Ngunit sa ikatlo kong hakbang ay naramdaman ko ang paghawak niya sa braso ko.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asked darkly. He boarded me with a sharp look as if unsatisfied with the thought of me leaving the place.

"Magpapakamatay," walang buhay kong sagot.

"The fuck?" Nagsalubong ang kilay niya.

I forced myself out of his touch. "Bitawan mo ako. Hindi kita kilala,"

"After saying that? You think hahayaan kita?" pagalit niyang tanong.

"Ano bang pakialam mo?! Boyfriend ko nga iniwan ako! Ikaw pa kayang hindi ko naman kilala?!" inis kong sigaw.

Natigilan siya dahil doon kaya kinuha ko iyong pagkakataon para lampasan siya. Walang imik na tinalikuran ko sila at tuluy-tuloy ba naglakad hanggang sa tuluyan na akong makalabas ng bar. Tinungo ko ang sasakyan kong itinakas ko lang mula sa bahay ng mga magulang kong nilayasan ko.

Basta ko na lang binato sa passenger's seat ang bag na aking dala matapos ay tuluyan nang pinaharurot palayo ang sasakyan. Nang makarating sa highway at bilang lang ang mga sasakyang nakasalubong ko ay diniinan ko pa ang apak sa silinyador hanggang sa dumiin ang pagkakalapat ng likod ko sa kinauupuan ko dahil sa bilis no'n.

My mind was already lost, and my gaze lost its focus. Nakatingin na lang ako sa kaharap na kalsada ngunit parang tumatagos lang doon ang titig ko.

"I'm sorry, Miss, but we weren't able to save him."

Bumaon ang ngipin ko sa aking pang-ibabang labi nang muling maalala ang mga salitang 'yon na pumatay sa akin nang araw na 'yon. "Useless shits," I said through gritted teeth.

Pumintig sa masakit na paraan ang puso ko na kanina lang ay walang buhay. At sa bawat pagpintig no'n ay siya namang panlalabo ng paningin ko dahil sa mga luhang pumupuno roon. Mas binilisan ko pa ang pagpapatakbo hanggang sa makarating ako sa isang tulay na ngayon ko lang narating sa buong buhay ko.

Imbes na bagalan ang pagmamaneho ay ipinagpatuloy ko lang ang bilis no'n hanggang sa kaunting distansya na lang ay mahuhulog na ang sinasakyan ko, kasama ako. Pero sa biglaang pagkislap ng ilaw mula sa kung saan ay hindi sinasadyang naapakan ko ang preno ng sasakyan.

Pero dahil sa tulin ng takbo ko kanina ay hindi iyon agad huminto kaya nang sumulpot ang isang pulang sedan mula sa kanan ay nabunggo ko 'yon hanggang sa tuluyang nahulog sa tulay.