Trigger Warning: Suicide Attempt

Her Tattoo

"Get lost," he said using his cold voice. And it pained me knowing that he had never used that way of speaking towards me, not even when we were arguing before. Just now that the sin I had committed is unforgivable.

Tumayo siya mula sa pagkakaupo sa sofa at nagtungo sa nag-iisang kuwartong nasa unit niya. Nagtalo ang isip ko kung dapat ko ba siyang sundan o hayaan na lang hanggang sa lumamig ang ulo niya. I expected it to be like this, but what I didn't expect was the pain that was tearing my world right now.

Ramdam ko ang paghapdi sa magkabilang sulok ng mga mata dahil sa labis na pagpipigil ng luha na kanina pa nagbabadiya na tumulo. Ever since I came here to announce the loss of our baby, my heart never stopped beating in a painful way.

Hindi sasapat ang sabihin na pinipiga 'yon sa sakit dahil mas higit pa roon ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Parang paulit-ulit at walang habas na pinauulanan ng saksak ang puso ko sa pinakabrutal na paraan na wala ka nang ibang mararamdaman maliban sa masaktan.

Mabilis na binalingan ko ng tingin ang pinto nang muling bumukas 'yon at iniluwa si Harris na ngayon ay bitbit na ang mga damit ko na nakalagay rito para sa tuwing dito ako tumatambay ay may maisusuot ako.

"Out. Take your things." He forcefully grabbed my arm using his free hand and dragged me towards the direction of the door without mercy.

"N-Nasasaktan a-ako," daing ko nang gumuhit ang talim ng kuko niya sa balat ko sa labis na pagkakadiin no'n.

"Mas kaya pa kitang saktan, Prescilla, kaya nakikiusap akong ngayon pa lang ay umalis ka na." He harshly threw me out of his unit. And in the next second, I just found my clothes flying all over me when he threw them one by one. "Seeing you makes me remember my unborn child that you killed."

His face turned even darker with every step he was taking to get close to me. I immediately stepped backward, threatened by his presence. Hurt by the emotionless eyes he's giving me. Pained by the treatment he's giving me that shows how he's willing to discard me.

Mas lalong bumaon ang pagkakatarak ng matalim na kutsilyong sumusugat sa puso ko nang madiin at puno ng galit niyang ikinulong ang panga ko gamit ang isang kamay niya.

My tears immediately flowed when the pain from his strong grip finally sank in. But it was still bearable. I could still take it knowing that when he freed me, the pain would be gone.

What pains me more is the hatred and unmeasurable anger that was reflected in his eyes. The love that used to be there was nowhere to be seen, na para bang hindi ako sinalubong no'n kanina nang makita niya ako.

"You really dared seek sympathy from me?" he spat, his tone reflecting how angered I made him. "You lost our child, Prescilla. And you know what's worse than that?" Naghahamong tiningnan niya ako.

Agad na nilukob ako ng matinding kaba nang mapamilyaran ang nagiging takbo ng usapan. May nabubuo nang teorya sa isip ko ngunit nagbabakasakali akong mali lang ang hinala ko.

I only said to him that I had a miscarriage, I didn't go into details about what happened. Afraid that he wouldn't fully understand the situation.

And seeing how he reacts now, I am betting on my life that my demon mom did something again.

"Your mom called me just now. Curious about what she said?" tanong niya. At sa bawat segundong lumilipas ay mas lumalala lamang ang pagbabaga ng galit sa mga mata niya. "You aborted our child! You killed our child!"

In my head, I was screaming, pleading for him to hear my side of the story that I badly wanted to tell him. But in reality, I stayed rooted to my place. Not making a move, not saying anything to reason out.

***

"It's only been months, but it feels like years have already gone by," I said dreamily.

The cold wind brushing my face and making my hair fly along with it makes me suddenly feel nostalgic. The familiar tall trees make me remember what I was feeling when I first came here. Everything came rushing through without my approval.

From the moment that Harris made me leave him to the point that he was throwing away my clothes that were in his condo while all the residents on the floor enjoyed our show. I wasn't just humiliated, my dignity as a woman was taken away from me by what he did.

Nasa gitnang bahagi na kami ng bundok kung saan kami unang nagkita noon ni Katiya. Hindi katulad noong unang beses na pumarito kaming dalawa, wala kaming ibang kasama. We used to go in groups with other hikers, but we chose to trek by ourselves today.

"Sa tingin mo, Katiya, kung sinabi ko ba sa kaniya nang araw na mismo na 'yon ay iba ang sitwasyong mayroon ako ngayon?" tanong ko habang ang paningin ay nananatiling nakapako sa daan na tinatahak ko.

"Ang taong balot ng galit, walang ibang pakikinggan 'yan maliban sa mga bagay na ikinagagalit nila. Magpaliwanag ka man, mananatiling sarado ang tainga nila sa kahit anong bagay," seryosong sagot niya.

"Maybe I should've tried."

"O baka nakatadhana nang manahimik na na lang." Agad na napahinto ako sa paglalakad nang huminto siya matapos ay tinanaw ang trail na kailangan pa naming lakarin. "Bumalik ka sa punto na 'yon na naghiwalay kayo. Tanungin mo ang mo ang sarili mo na kung sakaling bang nagpaliwanag ka ay maisasalba pa kung anong mayroon kayong dalawa," walang lingong sabi niya. "Kung nakuha mo na ang sagot mo, pakiusap lang tumigil ka na sa pagpapapakatanga para sa taong hindi alam na bigyan ka ng halaga."

Hindi ko nagawang sagutin o salungatin siya. Dahil tinamaan ako sa bawat salitang binigkas niya. She was able to point out the details of my past even though she didn't know the whole story. She was able to make me realize the things that I never took notice of. Dahil tama siya. Subukan ko man, pareho pa rin kami nang kahahantungan.

Sa hiwalayan.

"Ang sakit magmahal, 'no?" wala sa sariling sabi ko.

"Malay ko. Nagmahal na ba ako?" masungit na tanong niya.

Nagsimula na siyang muli sa paglalakad na agad kong sinundan. Hindi ko akalain na babalik pa ako rito. Pero nang magising ako kanina, bigla ko na lang napagdesisyonang ayain si Katiya rito.

Ilang minutong lakaran pa at natanaw ko na ang pakay namin na lugar. Even at a distance, the red printed words on a wooden sign already caught my attention.

Katulad lang din noon unang araw na napadpad ako rito, hindi ako nakaramdam ng takot doon. I knew what would greet me when we finally reach the place. I know the reason behind the warning sign. But to turn my back or take a detour didn't even cross my mind.

I loved it even more. But I am holding myself back from doing what I was planning to do before. Because the right time would come for that. Kaunting panahon na lang.

"Mas naging delikado ang lugar na 'to," komento ni Katiya na tahimik kong sinang-ayunan.

The place became more slippery and steep, more dangerous and murderous. Dati nang delikado ang lugar ngunit mas naging delikado 'yon ngayon lalo na at kauulan lang kagabi. Kung hindi dahil sa barikadang nasa magkabilang gilid ng trail na dinadaanan namin ay malamang na kanina pa kami nadulas, nahulog, at napahamak.

We're only more than half of the full course, and we do not intend to finish it. Hanggang dito lang talaga ang pakay naming puntahan. The place was surrounded by big branches of trees and tall grasses. It's a bit muddy but thanks to the wooden trail that made it easy for us to walk.

"Deadly," I pointed out when I finally reached the tip of the abyss.

"Muntikan ka nang patayin ng lugar na 'to," pagpapaalala niya.

Napangiwi ako, na agad ring nauwi sa mahinang tawa nang maalala ang nangyari sa lugar na 'to na siya ring naging unang pagkikita namin ni Katiya.

I took another step forward until the view 10 meters beneath me came into view fully. The spiky rock formations coated with green moss. The abyss is deep, and it looks dark even though it's still early in the morning.

The warning sign was wrong when it warned the hikers to be cautious for that part of the trail was dangerous. Because it wasn't just simply dangerous, it was murderous even. Dahil isang maling hakbang lang ay mawawakasan ang buhay ng sinumang mahuhulog doon.

"Why did I even think of jumping from here?" I grimaced.

"Dahil masyado kang nasaktan sa hiwalayan niyo ng nobyo mo," sarkastikong tugon niya.

Mapait akong napangiti matapos ay tinanaw muli ang ilalim ng bangin. Mabilis na nanumbalik sa ala-ala ko ang araw na tinangka kong wakasan ang buhay ko sa pamamagitan nang pagbabalak na tumalon dito.

It was only a day after Harris threw me out of his house as if I was just a garbage that's needed to be thrown out. He treated me as if he had never loved me, and that made me question if he really ever did. Paano pala kung ako lang naniniwala sa pagmamahal na inaakala kong totoo?

I always have confidence in his love, because he had shown it to me in more ways he could possibly do. But the truth behind our relationship would always prevail making it easier for him to break up with me.

"Akala ko talaga mahal niya ako." Nagpakawala ako ng sarkastikong tawa na nagkukubli sa kirot na nararamdaman ko dahil sa reyalisasyong 'yon.

"Mahal ka niya, minahal ka niya," pagkontra ni Katiya. "Pero hindi ka sapat para manatili siya."

Alam mo 'yong pakiramdam na alam mo na ang masakit na katotohanan pero kapag nanggaling sa ibang tao ay mas malakas ang epekto sa'yo? Gano'n ang ipinaramd sa akin ni Katiya nang sa ilang pagkakataon ay muli niyang isinampal sa akin ang katotohanan sa likod ng naging relasyon namin ni Harris.

"Pero siguro kung..." pagmbibitin niya. Lumapat sa akin ang malamig niyang mga mata ngunit kalatwang nakaramdam ako ng awa na nagmumula sa kaniya. Awa na para sa akin at sa sitwasyon ko, para sa kinahinatnan namin ni Harris. "Kung hindi nawala ang anak niyo, posible na mayroon pa ring kayo. Kaso wala, binawi agad ang panandaliang kasiyahang dulot ng supling niyo dahil sa halang na kaluluwa ng mga magulang mo."

Naiintindihan ko sa hindi lang iisang anggulo ang sinasabi ni Katiya. Naramdaman ko rin nang araw na nalaman niyang buntis ako ang pagbabago sa unti-unting panlalamig ni Harris sa akin.

He brought us back together when we were at that point in our relationship that breaking up was the best option. But he was also the reason why we finally closed the book of our story.

Nakaklungkot? Oo. Nakakapanghinayang? Sobra.

Ending a five-year relationship with him took a huge part of me. Malayo man sa pagiging perpekto ang relasyon namin. Marami mang mga bagay na hindi napag-usapan at napakinggan bago natuldukan, hindi ako nagsisisi na naging parte siya ng buhay ko at minahal ko siya ng sobra.

I would never regret loving him despite the ill-treatment he had given me at my worst point in life. Loving him was my cure to remove the toxins my parents injected in me while rearing me. He was my escape and my air.

But little did I know that he was also polluting me with his lies and secrets. I have the right to confront him and use my status as his girlfriend but I backed down and stayed quiet thinking that he would be the one to come clean. But years and years had passed, and the weight of his lies grew even heavier than his hold started to become slippery and the truths started to break free.

***

The love-hate feelings that I have for silence rose again. I love how it can give me peace of mind whenever things were like tangled strings. But I also hate how it gives so much space in my mind to think of the things that I want to erase from my memories.

I slowly stretched out the packaging tape I bought days ago. The sound of it filled my room, making me remember what day it was today.

Another try. New feeling.

"Nababaliw na naman yata ang isang 'yan."

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa babaeng nagsalita. Nasa tapat siya ng bintana ng bahay ko na isasara ko na sana nang marinig siya. Katabi niya ang babaeng kaedaran lang din niya na naglalaro sa trenta o higit pa.

"Kailan ba hindi? Eh, noong nakaraang buwan lang naabutan na nakabitin sa kisame. Mukhang nagbabalak magbigti. Mabuti na lang naabutan ni Bal kaya naagapan," sagot ng kasama niya.

"Ang sabi naman ay mayhawak na gunting habang nagbibigti, na gagamitin daw niya para putulin ang tali bago pa siya mamatay. Baliw na yata talaga."

"O baka nagdadrama at nag-iinarte lang. Mukha namang mayaman at makailang ulit na ring pinuntahan ng mga magagarang tao. Kung ako 'yan, baka nag-e-enjoy na lang ako sa yaman ng pamilya ko."

Hindi ko na sila pinansin at tuluyan nang sinarado ang bintana. Tahimik na inilapag ko ang bubble wrap sa gilid ng bintana at nilagyan ng tape para pumirmi roon.

"Why are people so narrow minded?" naiiling na tanong ko sa sarili ko.

"'Yan ang mahirap sa nga tao, Prescilla," wika ni Katiya mula sa telepono. "Nakikita ka ngang may mali, na nahihirapan, o may pinagdadaanan, hinuhusgahan pa. Ilang beses na bang may nagpakamatay pero sila pa ang nasisisi? Dahil nag-iinarte sila? Dahil nagdadrama katulad ng mga sinasabi niyang mga kapitbahay mong ignorante? Imbes na kausapin at alamin ang nangyayari, kumakatak pa na wala namang silbi."

Tuluyan nang nawala ang katahimikang bumabalot sa akin nang magsalita si Katiya na kausap ko sa telepono kanina pa. Hindi malabong narinig niya ang naging usapan ng dalawang kapitbahay ko dahil sa lakas ng boses nila.

I couldn't understand the way they see things. On how they see what I am doing as something that was just a drama as if the reason behind my action isn't something that should be heard. Every act of violence towards oneself has a reason that should be understood by the people surrounding that person. Just like the reason I have for the thing that I see as punishment whenever I reminisce about my child.

Kung may makita man silang taong hirap at may pinagdadaanan, na magulo ang takbo ng ispan, imbes na tulungan ay bakit kailangan husgahan? Imbes na kausapan para pagaanin ang pinagdaraanan, bakit kailangang bigatan pa?

A battle with one's mental health is as deadly as a gun pointed directly at the head of that person. It is gravely dangerous and could kill a person in just a matter of a split second. And most often, an emotional battle is an individual fight that most people failed to survive.

Kasi, bakit ka pa kakapit kung wala namang mas maganda pang rason kundi ang bumitaw? Bakit ka pa lalaban kung wala namang naghihintay sa'yo sa dulo ng laban? Dahil mag-isa ka lang. Dahil iniwan ka. Dahil nawalan ka ng halaga.

Mabilis na napuno ang luha sa mga mata ko nang nauwi sa isang mapait na reyalisasyon ang tinatahak ng isip ko. Hanggang sa naging sunud-sunod ang pagtulo ng mainit na likidong 'yon dahil sa muling pagpiga ng marahas na kamay sa puso ko. Mariing kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi upang mapigilan ang pagkawala ng hikbi mula roon nang hindi umabot sa pandinig ni Katiya.

I cleared my throat and swallowed the cry that wanted to come out before speaking. "Ibababa ko na 'to," paalam ko sa kaniya.

"Gagawin mo na ngayon," puno ng kasiguraduhang sabi niya.

"Hindi," mabilis na tutol ko habang kumikilos ang isang kamay para itali ang manipis na lubid sa kanang pulso ko. "Hindi pa."

"Mamamatay ka sa ginagawa mong 'yan," malamig na turan niya. "Siguraduhin mo lang na may madadatnan pa rin akong Prescilla bukas oras na puntahan kita kundi ako mismo ang gagawa sa'yo ng gagawin mo ngayon." Hindi na niya ako binigyan pa ng pagkakataon para makapagsalita dahil agad na pinutol na niya ang linya.

I tightened the string on my wrist to the point that I could taste the familiar pain from it. But that didn't make me stop, it just made me hungrier for pain. I only stopped when I saw a tint of blood on the rope.

My hand, later on, went to my abdomen, feeling and tracing the outline of the vague tattoo behind my shirt. It's dark and it appears unclear, not showing any proper vision on what it was. It felt like a spiky barb wire had tangled my heart clenching on it hard, leaving only a few spots unscathed. It was painful. Every beat was hard and rough, symbolizing the agony filling my heart.

Pinuntahan ko ang cellphone ko na nakapatong sa lamesa ilang hakbang ang layo sa akin. Sa kabila nang panlalabo ng paningin ko ay sinikap kong hanapin hinahanap ko. After finding what I want, I connected my phone to my stereo. And in the next moment, the sound of a faint heartbeat boomed around my small apartment.

"Baby..." I sobbed, not being able to stop my cry.

My heart continues to hurt every second that I hear the heartbeat of my child. My hand went to my tattoo once again, feeling the emptiness in my abdomen.

Mas dumoble ang sakit at ang pagkirot ng puso ko. Mas naging masagana ang pagtulo ng luha sa mga mata ko nang sumunod na pumailanlang ang boses ni Harris na kinakausap ang noong may laman kong sinapupunan.

"I couldn't wait to finally see you, little champ," he said, whispering close to my tummy.

I couldn't help but let out a hearty laugh at the sight in front of me. Harris was kneeling on the floor, his face on my tummy, while I remained seated on the couch of his unit.

"He won't hear you, love," I said laughing.

"He would." Sinalubong ako ng nangniningning niyang mga mata nang mag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin. "I wish he would look like you."

"Hindi pa nga tayo sigurado kung anong gender. Isang buwan pa lang akong buntis, Harris," natatawang wika ko. "We're just claiming that our baby would be a boy since we both wanted one."

"Our child would be. And he would complete our family, Mel---"

I staggered when I took a step. Nararamdaman ko na ang panlalabot ko habang pinakikinggan ang pag-uusap namin na 'yon na kahit ilang beses kong pakinggan ay hindi nabibigo sa pagbibigay ng sakit sa puso ko.

I forced myself to move forward even though what I really wanted to do is to drown myself with the excruciating pain that I am feeling right now that I am going back to my past. My tears never left me, it just continues to flow like a pouring rain under the dark and sad sky of the night.

Nang marating ang pakay ay agad na sinindihan ko 'yon sa kabila nang panginginig ng kamay ko. Pinanood ko ang kulay asul at pulang ilaw na namamayani sa harapan ko habang mas pinalalabo ng usok na nagmumula roon ang paningin ko.

The room slowly became blurry in my vision as the smoke from the charcoal slowly filled the entire place. I walked towards the direction of the door and tied the other end of the rope connected to my wrist. I made sure that the length was just enough for me to still reach my bed.

Dahan-dahan akong humiga sa papag ko at ipinikit ang mga mata ko. Nararamdaman ko na ang pagsakit ng ilong ko sa amoy na bumabalot sa loob ng kuwarto. Maging ang bahagyang paghihirap ko sa paghinga ay nararamdaman ko na rin.

I didn't make any move in the next second. I just remained in my position as my mind continued to flash images on my head. Pictures of me entering a clinic for my checkup, an image of me and Harris entering a store for baby stuff, and a picture of my first ultrasound.

"I'm so sorry, anak." Muling bumalong ang mga luha sa dalawang mata ko at kahit na nakapikit ako ay naramdaman ko ang pagtulo no'n sa magkabilang sulok ng mga mata ko. "Mama would be there soon. Magkakasama na tayo, anak. Wait mo lang si Mama."