Her Visitor

"Pinuntahan kita sa bahay mo kagabi wala ka ro'n. Ang sabi ng kapitbahay mong daig pa ang CCTV, may kumuha raw sa 'yo na mga mayayaman. Buhay ka pa naman dahil kausap pa kita, anong nangyari?" sunod-sunod na pagsasalita ni Katiya sa kabilang linya.

Napapailing na tumingin na lang ako sa labas ng bintana ng sasakyan ng lalaking kanina ko pa kasama. I don't even know how to address him. Great.

"Mga magulang ko 'yon. At oo buhay pa naman ako, obviously," sagot ko sa mga ikinuda niya kanina.

"Balikan ko na ba para sa 'yo? Alam ko ang kuwento mo. Isang salita mo lang kaya kong iganti ka sa mga 'yon."

"Utak kriminal ka na, tama na 'yon." Nakita kong bahagyang napatingin sa direksyon ko ang lalaki pero hindi ko na pinansin pa. "Hindi mo kailangang totohanin ang mga pinagsasabi mo, babae ka."

I heard her tsked on the other line, disapproving what I've said. "Magiging kriminal at magiging kriminal ako. Sa mga tamang taong nahihintay ng ganti ko."

Napabuntong hininga na lang ako sa pagiging sarado ng utak niya. "I hope you'll meet someone that would lighten your drugged mind. Drugged with revenge," I commented.

Hindi ko mapigilan ang muling mapabuntonghininga. Magmula yata nang makilala ko siya, walang araw na hindi ko maririnig sa kaniya ang mga ganitong salita sa tuwing nag-uusap kaming dalawa.

She has her own demon and it's eating her good. Hindi naman siya magiging ganiyang kalubog sa paghihiganti niya kung hindi.

I only know a few pieces of her puzzled life. It doesn't even fill half of the whole picture. But the limited information I have was enough for me to know that what had happened to Katiya deserves justice.

Kung hustisiya man 'yon na inilagay sa sarili niyang mga kamay ay hindi na mahalaga. To get even is the only thing that Katiya wants, that's for sure.

"Sabihin mo rin 'yang mga sinabi mo sa akin sa sarili mo," malamig na sabi niya bago ako diretsong binabaan ng tawag.

"Who was that?" agad na tanong ng lalaki, halatang hinintay lang na matapos ang tawag bago magtanong.

I changed the direction of my seat so that I could face him properly. The last words of Katiya lingers on my mind, making me think of things that include the man I am with. But I refuse to acknowledge what it was telling me about him.

He shouldn't be someone that would make me stop from what I am about to do. Yes, he did save me twice but that doesn't make him my superhero.

I will never let anyone save me. Because before they can even reach for my hand, I will surely end everything faster than their rescue.

"Why are you helping me?" I asked, instead.

I watched how his forehead knotted and the way his grasp on the steering wheel tightened. He looks irritated and frustrated. "Because you need help," he answered, in a way that seemed like it was the obvious answer.

"I actually don't, and you're just a stranger. You could just simply walk away from me as if I don't exist," I reasoned out.

"Walk away from you as you let your car fall from a bridge while you're still inside of it? Watch you slit your wrist? Nah, I am still sane to do that." The car slowed down until it fully stopped because of the red signal of the traffic light.

"I've witnessed people walking away from me not just once. You're just one of them," I claimed.

I've learned my lessons the hard way, and I don't want to repeat the same mistake again. What happened with Harris was already enough.

"I'm Waldo Vidal. Now, I am not a stranger to you. I could help you whenever I want," he introduced.

A moment of silence passed us. I was contemplating whether to tell him my name or not. He meant no harm on me and for our past encounters he did nothing but to save me in all of those encounters.

But was that enough?

"Hope," I said. I immediately caught his attention, causing him to take his eyes away from the road to look at me. "That's my name."

I stilled when what happened a month ago happened again. I thought I would never feel it once more. The flicker of light that filled the darkness ruling my world.

My heart started beating for life, it might be just a faint pump, but the impact it gave me was different. Sa loob ng mga panahong kadiliman ang bumabalot sa akin ngayon na lang ulit pumintig ang puso ko na para bang naghahangad na muling yakapin ko ang buhay.

The warmth coating his words reflected on the way he stares at me full of gentleness. It's melting a small part of me, but I know that it will never be enough to save me.

He will never be enough to stop me and to pull me out of the darkness. Waldo will never be enough for me to want to live again. His eyes went soft, and he began to tenderly trace every feature of my face with his stares. And I just watched him, letting him see what he wanted to see.

From my forehead, his eyes went down to my eyes, down to my nose, cheeks, lips, and finally stopped at my wrist. Nababalutan na 'yon ngayon ng bandage kaya hindi na nakikita ang sugat na ako mismo ang may gawa.

Napatulala na lang din ako sa pulso ko kasabay nang pagtibok ng puso ko dahil sa sakit na muling bumalot sa akin nang maalala ang dahilan ng mga hiwang naroon.

Ang anak ko.

"Funny, right?" natatawang panimula ko. "I was named Hope, but my first name speaks for who I am more. Overpowering the meaning of my second name that I should be living with right now."

Umangat ang kamay kong walang sugat para haplusin ang sugat ko na ilang buwan na rin simula nang mag-umpisa.

It started when I accidentally cut it with my broken mirror that I threw on the wall the moment that the news about my lost came into me. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko ginawa, noong unang beses na ginawa ko ang bagay na 'to.

But as I see my own blood coloring my shirt, it made me feel a tiny bit better. I saw it as a way to punish myself whenever the memory of my lost child flashes on my mind.

The guilt momentarily lessens with every cut I created on my skin. Until it became a routine.

He would have still been breathing. My baby's heart would have still been beating. Only if I didn't let him die.

"Priscilla. Vulnerability. That's the real me."

"I disagree." He slowly stepped on the accelerator. "Maybe you were just with the wrong people."

"Maybe, maybe not. I don't know," I defeatedly replied.

Ibinaling ko na lang ang aking paningin sa labas ng bintana. I don't know what to say and how to say my thoughts, I'm afraid everything would come out as jumbled words.

Pero ang dami ko sanang gustong sabihin. Hindi ko lang alam kung paano at saan sisimulan. Gusto kong isumbong sa kahit na kanino ang lahat nang nangyari at nangyayari sa buhay ko.

Kaso wala naman akong masumbungan.

I thought that day would be our last encounter, and I never thought I would see him again.

But now, a few days later, he sits comfortably on the hard monobloc chair a meter away from me with his legs crossed and elbow resting on the table as he lays his temple on it.

"Ano ba kasing ginagawa mo rito?" tanong ko.

Hindi ko alam ang rason nang pagpunta. Sa pagkakatanda ko ay malinaw na sinabi ko sa kaniya na huwag na siyang babalik matapos akong maihatid dalawang araw na ang nakararaan.

Ginulat na lang ako ng presensya niya nang siya ang mapagbuksan ko ng pinto kanina. I wasn't expecting anyone, much more this man. Ni hindi ko nga siya inimbitahan na pumasok dahil kusa na niyang ginawa 'yon bago ko pa man siya mapaalis.

Nag-indian seat ako sa papag na higaan ko dahil wala ng ibang bakanteng mauupuan. I only have one chair and it's now being occupied by my unwelcome visitor.

"Just checking out on you," sagot niya na hindi nakatingin sa akin. He scanned the ceiling of my apartment before settling his eyes on me. "How have you been for the past two days, Hope?"

Umarko ang kilay ko sa itinawag niya sa akin. Hindi ako sanay na tinatawag sa ganoong pangalan. People preferred calling me by my first name, Prescilla.

Hearing him calling me Hope feels foreign and it sounded new to my ears. I wanted to correct him but I stopped myself from doing so. Wala namang mali sa naging pagtawag niya at hindi na rin masama na marinig ang isa ko pang pangalan mula sa ibang tao

"I'm doing good and obviously and unfortunately, still alive," I said nonchalantly.

His forehead immediately met at one point when he looked at me with disapproval. "Don't make it sound that bad, Hope."

"Make what sound bad?" naguuluhan kong tanong pabalik.

"Living. Life," he answered.

I scoffed. Naiiling na nahiga ako sa kama at ginawang unan ang dalawang kamay. "Because life is bad and ruthless as it is. Mabuti pa sa libro, masakit man ang proseso at pinagdaanan ng mga bida, malaki ang tiyansa na pagdating sa dulo ay sila pa rin at masaya. But in reality, life is harsh and so as the end to some."

"Maybe because you are with the wrong male lead," he rebutted. "Maybe he's just a part of your life, not meant to be the one you end up with. Perhaps, someone else is meant to be with you until the end of your lifetime."

"At sino naman 'yon?" Sarkastiko akong natawa. "Ikaw?" sarkastiko kong tanong na siyang ikinatahimik niya.

The silence he offered for the both of us made me think of the words I need to say to Harris when I meet him...again. Also, I need to condition myself and my heart for me to be brave enough to receive all the brutal words from Harris. I might be used to it, but that doesn't make it hurt less.

Hindi ko na rin maintindihan ang sarili ko sa mga lumilipas na araw. I knew to myself that one way or another, we would never get back together. Malaman man niya ang totoo, hindi na babalik sa dati. Ipaglaban ko man, wala pa rin sa huli. Magmukha man akong tanga sa pagmamakaawa, hindi na siya babalik.

I am just fighting for us because I don't want to throw away all the years we've been together. Nakakapanghinayang ang limang taong relasyong mayroon kami. Nasasayangan ako sa mga memoryang pinagsaluhan namin at sa mga taon na magkasama kami. Kaya kahit nakakababa na ng pagkatao ang ginagawa ko ay ipinagpapatuloy ko pa rin.

And maybe one of the reasons why I am still holding onto him was to lessen the guilt that I am feeling. I have to give him that, the effort in making it work even if it seems impossible now.

Para kahit papaano masabi ko na ginawa ko ang lahat, na ibinigay ko ang lahat. I need to be all out when it come to this. Para sa huli wala nang pagsisisi. Na kahit batuhin man niya ako, o ng ibang tao, ng mga paninisi ay masasabi kong ginawa ko ang lahat para ilaban ang mayroon kami na paulit-ulit niyang binibitawan.

"How many attempts have you committed?" maingat na tanong niya, binabasag ang katahimikang bumabalot sa aming dalawa.

I didn't look at him but my mind was already working to count my attempts. Seconds and minutes passed, but my mind wasn't able to come up with an accurate answer.

"Too many to mention?" he prompted.

"I guess, yes," tumatanong sagot ko.

"Since when did it start?" he asked again.

I inwardly bit my tongue to stop myself from speaking. I took a deep breath and blew it out softly using my mouth, calming myself in the process.

Parang biglang tinambol ang puso ko sa marahas na paraan nang bumalik sa ala-ala ko ang unang beses na ginuhitan ko ang aking pulso. The pain I felt that day came back as if it only happened yesterday.

The reason behind the first blood I drew to myself.

"You can talk to me, you know," he said, catching my attention once again.

I know what path he's taking me. I should know because someone also tried, but didn't succeed. My Dad once attempted to make me talk about my attempts, about my pain, and suggested taking me to a psychiatrist he knew to save me.

But he, unsurprisingly, immediately grew tired waiting for my answers even though only a few hours had passed since the conversation started.

He gave up.

Nilingon ko siya habang ang likod ay nananatiling nakalapat pa rin sa aking hinihigaan. "I won't talk to you, and you know. Not to anyone."

"Why, Hope?" He shook his head with his gentle eyes still locked on mine. "Why are you so hard on yourself?"

"I am not." I smiled at him bitterly. "Trust me, everything wasn't even enough."

I matched the stares he's giving me, I didn't back down even though he's starting to make me feel uncomfortable. His gray-colored eyes were glistening with sadness and care...with gentleness. If it was for me and my situation, I don't know.

Ang lamlam ng mga mata niyang nakatingin sa akin ay nangunguasap at tila nagmamakaawa na buksan ko ang sarili ko sa kaniya.

Na hindi malabong mangyari kung magtutuloy-tuloy ang kaniyang ginagawa. This is something that I've always wanted. A person that would be all ears as I take the heavy load off of my chest. Someone who would care, someone to wipe my tears away, and someone who would hug my worries and soothe me with his embrace.

Something that I wasn't able to experience since Harris left.

But I knew that I needed to continue my plan. At alam ko rin na dapat ko na siyang iwasan.

"If I could think of a better word to say that I deserve to suffer, then I would gladly say it to you. But for now, that's my only answer to your question." I smiled faintly at him. "I deserve everything. Every scar, every pain, every droplet of blood escaping my body, and a lot more."

"You're wrong on that," he refuted. "No one deserves to suffer like how you're punishing yourself."

"Ikaw ang mali, Waldo," mariing tutol ko. "People like me, sinners, deserve every hard and brutal punishment this life could give. May it be done by karma or may we be the one doing it to ourselves. In my case, I am punishing myself. I chase it. I own it."

He sighed, and the way he released his breath seemed like he's not happy with my answer.

But I can't do anything about it. I don't want to sugarcoat my life with the fantasies that would never happen, not even in the next century.

Life isn't a fairytale and so is mine. Lalo na sa mga bagay na nangyari at nagawa ko na.

"I'll get going," he announced.

Mabilis na tumayo ako mula sa pagkakahiga at agad na lumapit sa kaniya. I didn't say anything, I just stood a few steps behind Waldo and watched him fix his long sleeves and suit on his one arm.

Nang matapos sa pag-aayos sa sarili ay binalingan niya ako. Naroon ang pag-aalala sa mga mata niya habang nakatingin sa akin.

I forced myself not to get affected by the way he cared. I did my best not to let myself be consumed with the warmth I am feeling with him.

"Leave," mabilis na sabi ko.

Muli siyang bumuntonghininga. Ang akala ko ay aalis na siya pero nagkamali ako dahil mula sa bulsa niya a kinuha niya ang cellphone niya. "Give me your number."

Nangunot na namang muli ang kilay ko dahil sa mga wirdong akto niya. "Bakit ko naman gagawin 'yon?"

Nangunot ang noo niya. "Why not?"

Umiling ako bilang sagot. I don't want to make the bridge connecting us any longer, and giving him my number would just make us have more connections we should not have.

Mataman niya akong pinakatitigan bago inabot ang kamay ko matapos at inilagay doon ang aparatong hawak niya kanina. "Anong ginagawa mo?" nagtatakang tanong ko.

"Use it. Reformat it or whatever. I'll call you through that."

"Hindi ko kailangan nito," mariing tutol ko.

"Keep it. Ayaw mong ibigay ang number mo so this is the only way I have to contact you. Answer my calls," he commanded.

Bago pa man ako makatutol pang muli at nagawa na niyang lisanin ang apartment ko.

Bumaba ang paningin ko sa mamahaling cellphone na ngayon ay hawak ko. It actually looks brand new.

Confusion filled me. Bakit ba hindi niya na lang ako hayaan? Wala naman siyang responsibilidad sa akin kaya bakit ganito na lang siya kung umakto? He'll get through a day even without me. So, why the hell does he act as if I am his obligation?