Their Connection

I stirred when I felt a heavy object pressed against my stomach. It was tightly wrapped around my waist, limiting my movements that even though I wanted to move farther from that thing I couldn't even move an inch. My body clock was telling me that it was still too early for me to wake up yet, I couldn't go back to my peaceful sleep because of the disturbance this hard object was giving me.

It has been ages since I fell soundly asleep and I wanted to take advantage of it now. Pero alam ko na gising na ang diwa ko ngayon kaya imposible ang bumalik pa sa pagtulog. I tried moving once again only to be halted when its grip on me tightened.

"Sleep more, honey."

Tuluyang nawala sa sistema ko ang antok. My eyes widened in shock but were immediately replaced by a tingling sensation when his hot breath fanned my nape. I could feel his bare skin touching the exposed skin of my arm. The heat I could feel from it exceeds the coldness of the air surrounding the room.

"Waldo?" kabadong pagkumpirma ko.

There was no use confirming who he was though. Boses pa lang niya ay kilalang-kilala ko na. Isama pa ang pamilyar na amoy niyang alam kong hindi lang simpleng galing sa unan niyang gamit ko kundi sa kaniya mismo.

And it was then when I realized that it wasn't a "thing" that was holding me still, but Waldo's arm that was constantly pulling me close to his body. I became even more incapable of moving when he put his one leg over mine, fully caging me this time.

"A-Anong ginagawa mo rito?" garalgal na tanong ko.

"This is my room, honey," he reminded me.

I clutched on the bedsheet hard when Waldo nuzzled my neck as if finding the right spot for him to continue his sleep. "I know that. You could've just brought me to one of your empty rooms."

"I have never slept this peacefully," he said, replicating the exact same words I said to myself.

The resistance I have in mind about the closeness Waldo and I have in one bed was replaced by pure curiosity. Hearing the words that just came out of his mouth has a hidden story. Alam ko dahil iyon din ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.

Iyong pakiramdam na sa loob ng mahabang panahong puro kaguluhang lamang ang laman ng isip mo ay biniyayaan ka ng kapayapaang ipinagkait sa iyo. Pakiramdam na matapos ang ingay at gulo ay katahimikan naman ang nararanasan mo ngayon.

Nakakapanibago. At nakakatakot sa ibang paraan. Parang hindi totoo at sa isang iglap lang ay ibabalik ka rin sa kung paano ka nalugmok. Walang lugar sa isip ko ang pagiging positibo. Lahat ng mga nangyayari sa buhay ko ay pakiramdam ko ay mauuwi lamang sa mga negatibong konklusyon. Nothing works for me but negativity and failure. And it has always been like that.

Kaya ang ganitong simpleng kapayapaan ay hindi ko magawang pagkatiwalaan dahil pakiramdam ko'y babawiin lang din ng biglaan.

"Be my girl, Prescilla Hope," he whispered again.

At dahil malapit lang ang bibig niya sa tainga ko, sobrang linaw ng rehistro ng bawat salita niya sa pandinig ko. "Ano bang pinagsasabi mo, Waldo?" naguguluhan kong tanong.

"I like you," Waldo confessed.

My lips parted in surprise. But even before I could come back to my senses, he moved until he was on top of me. Mas lalo akong natuod sa puwesto ko. Kung puwede lang na mas ibaon pa ang sarili sa pagkakahiga ay ginawa ko na para magawa kong matakasan siya. Ngunit siniguro ni Waldo na anumang kilos ay hindi ko magagawa dahil ikinulong na niya ako sa magkabilang bisig niya.

Mataman niya akong tiningnan at bagaman takot akong salubungin ang mga mata niya ay wala akong ibang nagawa kundi ang magpalunod sa mga emosyong hayagan niyang inilalahad sa akin ngayon.

Hindi ko alam kung paano niya nagawang magkagusto sa isang katulad ko sa loob ng maiksing panahong nagkakilala kami. Malaking bahagi ng isip ko ay hindi naniniwala sa katotohanang nababasa ko sa mga mata niya. Lumalamang ang pagtangging nararamdaman ko, ngunit habang tumatagal na nakatingin ako sa mga mata niya ay parang gusto ko na lang na maniwala na totoo ang mga narinig ko.

"You're kidding me," I said, denying his words.

"Accuse me of other things, but never about how I feel." He lowered his head until the tip of our nose kissed. "I have liked you since that day that I saw you at our bar." He planted a quick kiss on my nose. "You never left my mind. The looked in your eyes always visits me in my dreams as if a reminder that I need to take care of you. I like you, honey. Allow me to be your man."

He lowered his head even mo and angled it in a way that he would be able to meet my eyes better. Mas lalo akong nawalan ng imik. Pakiramdam ko ay nanuyo ang lalamunan ko dahilan para mahirapan akong magsalita.

Nasa isip ko ang pagtutol, ang malaking hindi pagsang-ayon ngunit wala akong lakas na isatinig iyon bagaman nais ko na malaman ni Waldo ang sagot ko. But the small whisper of my heart wanting to give both of us a chance started to make its way to dominate my mind.

Nang lumipas ang ilang segundo at wala pa rin akong naibibigay na sagot ay nginitian niya ako. Ngiting ang nais iparating ay pag-intindi. "Hindi kita minamadali. Take all the time you need in figuring out what out feel for me." He gave me a peck on my lips before speaking, "I'll get Ezra. Continue your sleep, for now, honey."

Wala na akong pagkakataon pa na umalma dahil mabilis na nakaalis na siya sa kama. Sinundan ko siya ng tingin. Mula sa pagdampot ng damit niyang nasa sahig hanggang sa tuluyang pagpasok ng banyo ay hindi ko inalis ang mga mata ko sa kaniya.

I was left baffled by the way this morning greeted me. Natulog akong naghahangad ng kapayapaan at nagising man ako mula sa mahimbing na pagkakatulog ay kaguluhan pang lalo ang sumalubong sa akin ngayon.

Mariin akong pumukit, pinipilit ang sarili muling makatulog sa kabila ng mga bagay na pumupuno sa aking isip. Nothing was running on my mind except for the confession Waldo made a few minutes ago.

***

Nangunot ang noo ko nang maramdaman ang bahagyang pagyanig ng kamang kinahihigaan ko. I know that it wasn't an earthquake, more like a person jumping on top of the bed. Hindi ko na sana iyon pagtutuunan ng pansin at babalik na lang dapat sa pagtulog ngunit nang pumulupot ang matigas na braso ng kung sino sa baywang ko ay tuluyang nawala ang antok ko.

"Wake up, baby. Ezra's here," he said before planting a kiss on my forehead.

I slowly opened my eyes and a little girl wearing a white and pink floral dress freeted me. She was jumping lightly while a lolipop was inside her mouth. In his one hand she was holding a bunny stufftoy with its one ear.

"Is she your baby, Uncle? But she's not small like Ezra," the little girl asked in confussion, comparing me to herself.

"She's my baby, E. She's your Aunt Prescilla," pagpapakilala ni Waldo.

Ezra stopped jumping and sat beside my feet. Mataman siyang nakatingin sa akin habang bahagyang nakatabingi ang ulo na para bang inaarok kung sino ako. And I just found myself drawn to her face.

I became silent and did nothing but stare at her face. Particularly her eyes that I feel like I've seen from someone before. Nagsalubong ang kilay ko, pilit na inaalala kung saan ko nga ba nakita ang ganoong pares ng mga mata.

"How old is she?" tanong ko kay Waldo.

"She's turning five two months from now," sagot niya.

Patuloy kong pinagmasdan si Ezra na hanggang ngayon ay nakatingin pa rin sa akin. She's a bit taller for her age. Maputi rin siya mahaba at hanggang baywang ang kulay itim na buhok. She has a heart shape face, thin pinkish lips, a cute pointed nose, and a pair of ambercolored hooded eyes.

An image flashed in my mind upon looking intently at Ezra's eyes. Noong una ay nagdadalawang isip pa ako dahil sa malaking pagkakaiba ng mga mata nila. Pero sa katagalan ay nabibigyan ko na ng pagkakakilanlan kung kanino ko nga ba unang nakita ang ganong klase ng mga mata.

It was a replica of Katiya's eyes.

The only difference was the life I am seeing in Ezra unlike the pair Katiya has that were void of any emotion. This little girl in front of me is bubbly and full of life. Her eyes were shining with happiness and contentment.

"I am seeing Katiya in her. Nababaliw na ba ako?" wala sa sariling saad ko.

Inalalayan akong makaupo ni Waldo para lamang mahiga siya sa tabi ko. His arm was still encircled around my waist while his head was buried at the side of my hips. "Really? She looks like Galan to me."

"Her eyes... they were Katiy's," puno ng kasiguraduhang saad ko. "Mas buhay nga lang ang mga mata niya kung ikukumpara sa babaeng iyon na nakakatakot tumingin sa lamig ng titig."

Iginala ko sa buong silid ang mga mata ko, hinahanap ang cellphone kong hindi ko na nakita pa mula kagabi. I looked at the bedside table on Waldo's side and my phone was there. "Can you pass me my phone?" pakiusap ko.

Mabilis namang tumalima si Waldo. Pikit ang mga mata na kinapa niya ang phone ko sabay bigay sa akin. Agad na bumalik rin siya sa puwesto niya habang ako naman ay nagsimula nang hanapin ang numero ni Katiya mula sa contacts ko.

I immediately dialed her number and after three rings, she answered. "Hello, friend," may bahid nang pang-aasar na bungad ko.

If there's one thing that Katiya hates the most, that would be cringy things. Kahit ang simpleng endearment ay pinandidirihan na niya. She's that distant towards other people.

"Ang sarap mong murahin," inis na sagot niya sa kabilang linya.

Bahagya akong natawa sa isinagot niya. "May ise-send akong picture sa iyo."

Hindi na niya ako hinintay na dagdagan pa ang sasabihin ko. She immediately ended the line even before I could add another word from my sentence.

I opened the camera of my phone and pointed it in Ezra's direction. "Can you smile for me, honey?" malambing na saan ko sa kabila ng ilang na nararamdaman ko.

"Why po? Are going to take a picture of Ezra po?" he asked innocently.

"Yes. Give me a big smile," I ordered in a gentle voice. Mabilis na nginitian niya ako, litaw ang mga ngipit at naniningkit ang mga mata.

Mabilis na kinuhaan ko siya ng litrato at agad na ipinadala kay Katiya. At gaya ng inaasahan ko na ay wala pang isang minuto ay tumawag na ulit siya.

"Bakit mo ipinadala sa akin ang larawan na ito, Prescilla?" malamig na tanong niya, ngunit ramdam ko ang hindi pagkapaniwala at takot sa boses niya.

"Doesn't she look familiar to you?" tanong ko pabalik sa kaniya.

"Nasa El Refugio ka," puno ng kasiguraduhang saad niya

Tumaas ang kanang kilay ko nang marinig ang sinabi niya. Base sa kasiguraduhang nakapaloob sa tono niya ay sigurado akong kilala niya ang lugar na ito. At unti-unti lamang niyang pinatutunayan ang hinala ko tungkol sa ugnayan nila ng kaibigan ko.

I looked at Ezra once more and was convinced that Ezra and Katiya had a connection. I wanted to deny that. I don't want to believe what was going on in my mind now. She's my friend but that doesn't excuse her from the disappointment I am feeling right now towards Ezra's situation.

"She's yours, right?" paniniguro ko.

I felt Waldo stirred in his position until he finally sat beside me. "What's happening?" mahinang tanong niya.

Hindi ko siya pinansin. Pinanatili kong tutok ang mga mata ko sa batang kaharap habang kinakalma ang sarili.

"How old are you, Ezra?" malumanay na tanong ko.

"Five po. Dad said I'll be turning six soon," she answered with pure innocence.

"What do you want for your birthday?" I asked again.

I already have an idea of what she would want. I just needed to make Ezra say it herself for Katiya to hear. Dahil iba kung sa kaniya mismo manggagaling ang hiling niya. Nang sagayon ay maramdaman ni Katiya ang pakiramdam na maiwang mag-isa.

What could a child ever want aside from a complete family? And I know for sure that this innocent child sitting in front of me also wishes for the same thing. Especially in her situation where she grew up with no mother by her side.

"I want my mommy po. Daddy said he's going to give me my mommy on my birthday but I know that he's lying. He also said the same thing last year but I still don't have a mommy," balewalang pagkukuwento niya, hindi man lang nalulungkot o nasasaktan.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sa kabila ng nakangiting mukha ng bata ay ramdam ko ang sakit sa bawat salitang binitawan niya. Nakakaramdam ako ng galit para kay Katiya dahil sa nakikita kong sakit na nararanasan ngayon ni Ezra sa kabila ng mura niyang edad.

I want to be mad at Katiya but I am trying to understand her at the same time. Pero kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ko magawang burahin ang galit na nararamdaman ko. I knew Katiya but I, most of the time, don't understand her and her reasons. Limitado lang ang alam ko tungkol sa kaniya na siya pang dahilan kung bakit hindi ko magawang burahin agad ang nararamdaman kong inis sa kaniya ngayon.

"You are not that heartless not to hear this kid's wish aren't you?" nanghahamong tanong ko.

Ayaw kong magkasamaan kaming dalawa ng loob ni Katiya dahil siya lang ang tanging taong itinuturing kong kaibigan. Siya lang ang nanatili sa tabi ko sa kabila ng pagtalikod ko at pagtalikod ng ibang tao sa akin. She was the only one who sayed. But I would never be tolerating the wrongdoing of a friend.

I am a sinner of my own. I know how flawed of a woman I am. I know my mistakes and it amounts higher than a mountain. The graveness of my sins weighs heavier than the right things I did throughout my life. But if I would be an instrument to change one bad thing into something that would be the total opposite of it, then why not move my piece and try to do something.

"Hindi puwede, Prescilla," hirap na sagot niya.

"Bakit hindi, Katiya? Bakit hindi mo kayang pagbigyan ang sarili mong anak?" mahinang tanong ko, iniiwasang marinig ni Ezra ang mga sinasabi ko.

I don't want to give Ezra any false hope. Ayokong mauwi sa pagkadismaya ang pag-asang ibibigay ko sa kaniya oras na hindi ko magawang kumbinsihin si Katiya na magpakita sa bata.

Katiya has a lot of baggage with her and I am certain that it would be very difficult to convince her to do something that she has set her mind not to do. Masyado siyang desidido sa kung anumang matagal na niyang plano na madalas niyang sinasabi sa akin sa bawat pahaging niya. At mahirap para sa isang katulad ko na baliin ang opinyon niya.

"Sa lawak ng mundo, bakit ka pa napunta sa lugar na iyan," problemadong saad niya.

"You knew about this place, didn't you? You know who lives here. And you know who's waiting for you," sunud-sunod na akusa ko.

Naramdaman kong nilingon ako ni Waldo kaya hinarap ko rin siya sa pagkakataon na ito. "Please take her outside. Kakausapin ko lang si Katiya." I didn't bother to cover the mouthpiece of my phone to intentionally make Katiya hear my words.

"Everything is fine?" naninigurong tanong niya.

I nodded my head in response. "Nothing to worry about."

"Would you like to play with Ezra later?" the little girl asked, catching me and Waldo's attention.

I tried my best to smile even though the growing fear inside me never died down. It still scares me... being with a kid. Not until I saw who Ezra was and what connection he has towards my friend. Mas lalo na dahil alam ko ang ilang bahagi ng kuwento niya at nang ginawa ng ina niya sa kaniya.

"O-Of course, honey. We'll play later," pilit na tinatago ang kaba na sagot ko.

She beamed at me in so much delight before exiting the room while hopping. Waldo remained, looking at me with curiosity but was holding himself back from asking.

"I'll tell you later," paniniguro ko.

Waldo sighed at me before stroking my hair. "I'll wait for you downstairs." He gave me one last kiss on my cheek before going out of the room.

Hinintay kong mapag-isa na lang ako sa kuwarto bago muling kinausap si Katiya. "Would you explain everything if I'll ask?" nawawalan ng pag-asang tanong ko.

"Oo," diretsang sagot niya. Taliwas sa pagtutol na siyang inaasahan ko na. "Pero hindi pa ngayon. Isang buwan-"

"Two weeks," hirit ko.

"Tatlong linggo. Hanggang diyan lang ang kaya ko," pabunyong hiningang tanggi niya. "Hayaan mo akong ayusin ang mga kailangan kong ayusin sa loob ng tatlong linggo. Pagkatapos ako mismo ang pupunta sa iyo."

Nabuhay ang tuwa at pag-asa sa puso ko dahil sa isinagot niya. Inaasahan kong magmamatigas siya at babalewalain lamang ang mga sasabihin ko dahil iyon ang personalidad niya. Pero siguro... iba kapag anak na ang pinag-uusapan. Idagdag pa na anak na mismo niya ang humihiling na makita siya.

Walang garantiya kung anong mangyayari oras na makapag-usap kami sa personal. Hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari ngunit umaasa ako na aayon sa bata ang lahat.

"She's your child, right?" I asked a question that I already know the answer to but still wanting to hear confirmation.

Katiya sighed on the other line, containing all the heavy load in her heart. "Oo, Prescilla. Anak ko siya."