The Unknown Place

Napaigik ako habang pikit ang mga mata nang maramdaman ang paghapdi ng likuran ko. The soft mattress that was hugging my body didn't serve its purpose. My body still aches despite the comfort that it should be giving me. And the coldness of the room just made it worst. Pakiramdam ko mas lalo lang sumakit ang katawan ko.

I slowly opened my eyes and searched for the familiar ceiling of the hospital that I expected to see, but it was nowhere to be seen. Napabalikwas ako nang bangon na agad ko ring pinagsisihan dahil sa sakit na agad kong naramdaman. My hand went up to trace the part of my body that has been hurting and found gauze on it.

My unconscious mind knows that I am far from danger and those men who tried to capture me are now gone. But the feeling of being afraid for someone else's safety still haunts me as if I was still in my situation yesterday. I feel like I was still stuck there, being chased by men who were after me just to give me to their master.

Inilinga ko ang paningin sa paligid at mabilis na lumukob sa akin ang kaba ng hindi mapamilyaran sa lugar. The camouflage themed room greeted me and made a strong and manly impression on me. The aquatic scent that was dominating my nostrils was so familiar that I did not have to think deep whose room was this. I don't know where the hell this place is. The room looks expensive as well as the furniture. Every nook and corner of the room screams for wealth and fancy.

"Where the hell is this place?" gulung-gulo na tanong ko sa sarili ko.

Ang sabi niya ay dadalhin niya ako sa lugar na hindi nila ako masasaktan. And I expected it to be something close to a remote area or something like squatters area.

The soft blow of the wind coming from the open full glass window caught my attention. The dancing blackout curtains immediately came into view when I turned my head towards my right. A picturesque nature came into my sight with the second whisper like a puff of the wind.

A fair number of tall and green trees from a distance, a small image of a falls, and even a nicely setup lagoon was visible. The beauty of the scenery in front of me made me want to grab a camera to take a photograph. It's so beautiful, and green. It's giving me a sense of serenity, something that I've never felt before.

But the serene feeling only lasted for a minute and was immediately disrupted by the clicking sound of metals. I quickly diverted my eyes towards the door. I watched how it moved until the door finally sprang open, revealing the person who had brought me here in this place.

"The baby's awake," he said, slightly pissed.

"Nasaan tayo?" tanong ko sa kaniya.

"Hacienda," he answered, "el Refugio."

Pinagkunutan ko siya ng noo. Ang tono ng boses niya ay hindi ko maintindihan. He sounded pissed over something. Like I did something that put him in a bad move.

"Ano na namang ginawa ko sa'yo?" hindi nakatiis na tanong ko.

Mas lalong tumalim ang mga tingin niya at mas lalo pang dumilim ang awra niya. Tila mas umigting ang inis na nararamdaman at kaunting tapik na lang ay sasabog na.

"You almost killed yourself. Again," he said, emphasizing the last word. "Bakit hindi mo sinabing may tama ka?" galit na tanong ni Waldo.

The calmness in his voice doesn't match the blazing anger in his eyes as he looks at me accusingly. I tried matching his stares, fighting the battle with him, but I failed.

I felt a complete defeat this time because he was right when he said that I almost killed myself. Isang patunay ay ang sandong puti at denim jacket na nasa paanan ko. Puno 'yon ng dugo lalo na sa likuran na parte. Marahil ay napansin lang ni Waldo na may tama ako nang tumigil siya sa pagmamaneho.

I don't know when I've lost my consciousness. At some point I thought I would be able to keep myself awake. Dahil na rin siguro sa pagod ay nakatulog ako.

"Bakit hindi mo sinabing may tama ka pala?" he asked. I looked away and chose not to answer his question. "You could've died, Hope. Malalim ang tama mo," nanunumbat na tanong niya.

Nanlabo ang mga mata ko sa hindi malamang dahilan. He's making it sound that what I've done was a mistake. That it was my fault again.

Hindi ko gusto ang pakiramdam na ako na namang ang sinisisi sa isang bagay na hindi naman niya dapat iniintindi. I feel so worthless and useless. And he's just making everything worse because of the way he's acting.

What was so wrong with keeping myself silent about my state? Couldn't they just leave me alone and let me do things my way? Coulcn't they just live my life and let me rule mine? Hindi ko naman ginusto na matamaan. At ang nasa isip ko lang ay huwag siyang mapahamak kaya hindi ako nagsalit. Dahil alam ko na oras na magsabi ako, hihinto siya at iintimdindihin ang kalagayan ko.

Hanggang sa ganitong bagay ba ay wala pa rin akong kalayaan?

Everything feels suffocating. More than the feeling that I went through last night. Dahil kung ikukumpara sa kagabi na madaling solusyunan, ang ganitong klaseng pakiramdam ay mahirap takasan.

Hindi katulad sa nagdaang gabi na alisin mo lang ako sa lugar na 'yon ay magagawa ko nang huminga, ngayon ay bagaman maayos ang daloy ng hangin sa katawan ko ay may kung anong nakakasakal na pakiramdam pa ring buhay sa pagkatao ko.

A tear escaped my eyes with no accurate reason aside from the suffocation he was giving me. "Kung gusto mo akong iligtas, iligtas mo ako dahil gusto mo. Hindi 'yong sa bawat saklolong ibinibigay mo ay panunumbat ang makukuha ko sa dulo." Nag-iwas ako ng tingin, takot na salubungin ang kaniya. "I kept silent because I know you'll attend to me first than to save yourself. Mali pa rin ba ako sa parte na inuna ko ang kaligtasan mo? At least if I'll die, I'd die for you. I'd die saving you, Waldo."

Tahimik na bumalik ako sa pagkakahiga ngunit ngayon ay patagilid na, taliwas sa direksyon kung nasaan siya. I focused my eyes on the sanctuary before me with a hopeful heart that I could borrow the serenity from it.

Kahit sa mabilis na sandali lang.

***

Maingat ang ginawa kong paghakbang habang binabaybay ang pasilyo ng bahay na kinaroroonan ko. The coldness of the marbled floor was kissing my bare feet. My eyes never stopped wandering the hallway of this mansion-like house.

Traces of the owner's wealth were proudly shown in front of me. Paintings that would surely cost a fortune. Expensive vases, furniture, and the huge house itself were luxurious already. Tinanaw ko ang dulo ng pasilyo at halos malula ako nang makitang tila ang layo ng distansya no'n sa akin.

It took me a couple of minutes before I was able to reach the grand staircase. Sumalubong sa akin ang pinaghalong puti at gintong salas ng mala-mansion na bahay. Walang tao roon, maski mga kasambahay ay wala akong nakita kahit isa.

Pinilit ko ang sarili ko na huwag kilabutan sa nakikitang pagkakapareho ng istruktura ng bahay na 'to sa bahay na kinamulatan ko noon. Naging mahirap ang bawat paghinga ko nang maramdaman ang paninikip ng dibdib ko.

I feel suffocated with what's ahead of me. All the extravagance reminds me of the life that I had when I was still with my parents. They put an invisible metal collar around my neck, controlling me, strangling me.

"May tao ba riyan?" anang tinig na nagmumula sa salas ng bahay.

Isang babaeng nakaputing bistida ang nabungaran ko. Mabining nakaupo siya sa sofa habang diretso ang tingin. Tahimik na bumaba ako palapit sa direksyon niya ngunit hindi man lang siya natinag sa pagkakaupo.

"You're not my brother," she said confidently even though she was not looking at my direction. "Sino ka?"

Hindi ako gumawa ng kahit na anong ingay hanggang sa makababa ako ng hagdan habang nakapako pa rin ang paningin ko sa kaniya.

Nasundan ko nang tingin ang pagsasalubong ng dalawang kilay niya na hanggang sa pagatayo niya. "Did my brother brought you here?" hindi tinatago ang galit na tanong niya sa akin.

"I uh..."

Nabitin ang sasabihin ko nang may tumapik sa akin mula sa likuran. I looked at Waldo who was standing behind me. He signaled me to hush down and in a confused state, I obliged.

"Go to your room, Lily. Or to Ken's Villa," Waldo suggested.

Sa puntong 'yon na nagsalita si Waldo ay tuluyan nang humarap sa direksyon namin ang babae. Bewilderment was the first thing that I felt when I saw her unfocused eyes. She was looking at grand staircase, which was a meter away from where Waldo and I were standing.

"Kuya naman."

"It's not like that, Lily," agad na pagkontra ni Wlado.

Hindi ko nagawang maintindihan ang pinag-uusapan nila. Maski ang sabayan ang takbo ng usapan ay hindi ko magawa dahil tanging sila lang ang nagkakaintindihan.

They were arguing over a topic that only both of them knew. And no matter how long I tried to understand everything, it would be impossible. I just stood there, unaware of what they were talking about. My mouth shut while I'm trying to digest everything that I've heard between them.

Hindi ko man maintindihan pero nasisiguro kong kasama ako sa pinag-uusapan nilang dalawa. Isang patunay na roon ang nauna nang pagtatanong ng nakababatang kapatid ni Waldo na siya ring tinanong ng babae sa kaniya.

"It is, Kuya!" she shouted, and I could tell from her voice how frustrated she was right at this moment. "And you've got to stop, now!

"Calm down, Lilian." Bumuntong hininga ang lalaki matapos ay naglakad palapit sa direksyon ng nakababatang kapatid. "It's nothing like that. Go to your room, now."

Ang matatalim na mga mata ng babae ay bumaling sa direksyon kung nasaan ako at sa pagkakataon na ito ay nagawa ko nang masalo ang talim ng tingin niya.

"Leave my brother alone," she warned using her cold voice.

Bago pa man tuluyang makalapit sa kaniya ang lalaki ay tumalikod na siya at tinungo ang pinto. Waldo hustled over her and immediately went by her side to assist her but Lilian was faster. She got away from her brother and stormed out of the living room.

Nagsalubong ang kilay ko sa pagkalito at kaunting ng inis na sabay na lumukob sa akin dahil sa nangyari. What the two were talking about confused the shit out of me and it's making my head ache for too much thinking.

I knew and I am certain that I was the center of their talks. Ang hindi ko lang maintindihan ay kung bakit parang disgustong-disgusto ang babae sa presensya ko. To the point that she wanted me to leave her brother alone.

And it pisses me off cause I don't even want to involve myself with Waldo. Kung ako lang, talagang hindi ako lalapit. Pero siya mismo ang dikit nang dikit at palaging pumapasok sa mundo ko kahit hindi ko gusto.

"I want to go home," I informed him.

Mabilis na binalingan niya ako gamit ang matalim niyang tingin. "You're wounded, Hope, in case you forgot."

I heaved a sigh and controlled myself to stop the irritation he's inflicting. "This is my life. And I could certainly do whatever I want without your permission. Lubayan mo ako."

"Yes, you can do anything you want but I won't just sit around one corner and watch you repeatedly put yourself in danger. I'm not a fool."

I fisted my hand as anger started to boil in my heart. Even without a mirror, I can picture myself as red as an apple.

Tumalim ang tingin ko sa kaniya pero balewalang naupo lang siya sa sofa ba para bang hindi apektado sa galit na nararamdaman ko.

I gritted my teeth and with my heavy steps, I cut the distance between us. Halos padabog na ang paglalakad na ginagawa ko ngunit nanatiling wala sa akin ang paningin niya.

He fanned himself using his white shirt while his other hand rested on his cargo shorts. I watched how he sighed deeply that was followed by him, tiredly resting his head on the sofa.

Naagaw nang pagpasok ng isang lalaking nakadamit na may mahabang manggas na karaniwan kong nakikita sa mga magsasaka. Nakasuot din siya ng kupas na pantalon.

"Sir, bibisita ho ba kayo sa plantasyon ngayon?" magalang na tanong niya.

Waldo opened his eyes but instead of looking at the man who spoke, his gaze settled on me. "Bukas na lang, ho," magalang a tugon niya. Doon lang niya inalis ang paningin sa akin at idinirekta sa bagong dating. "Wala naman sigurong problema."

Umiling ang may katandaang lalaki. "Wala naman ho, Sir. Ang nagkakaproblema po ngayon ay ang mga manok na nasa norte dahil sa lamig ng panahon. Inaayos naman na raw po ng mga trabahador ni Sir Laszlo."

"Mabuti kung gano'n. Pakihanda na lang ho ng mga gagamitin bukas para sa paga-ani ng mga prutas para maipadala na agad sa mga sinu-supply-an natin."

Walang imik na umalis ang lalaki matapos tumango ng isang beses kay Waldo. I took that opportunity to finally talk to him.

"Take me home, Waldo. Hindi ko gustong nandito ako."

"Marami akong kailangang asikasuhin dito, hindi ko mapagbibigyan ang gusto mo," mahinahong sagot niya. "At isa pa, may sugat ka. Sinong mag-aalaga sa'yo kapag pinayagan kitang umalis? I saw how those men chase you. Wala silang takot at wala silang awa. They could be brutal and no one would protect you."

Mabilis na nagngitngit ang kalooban ko sa kalmanteng anyo na ipinapakita niya sa akin. Hindi ko gusto na makita siyang para balewala lang ang nangyayari samantalang ako ay para nang sasabog sa tinitimping inis.

Kumuyom ang dalawang kamay ko na nasa magkabilang gilid ko habang ang patalim nang patalim ang tingin na ipinupukol ko sa kaniya. Nanatili lang naman siyang nakasandal sa sofa na inuupuan habang ang paningin ay nakapako sa harapan.

I let out a harsh breath but even that didn't make him look at me. I rolled my eyes in the air and made my way towards the front door.

Kung wala sa plano niya ang alisin ako sa lugar na 'to, ako na mismo ang gagawa nang paraan para makalayas sa poder niya na hindi ko naman ginusto umpisa pa lang.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asked in a dangerous tone.

"I'm leaving."

"Says who?"

Nanlilisik ang mga mata na hinarap ko siya at sa pagkakataon na ito ay nakaharap na siya sa akin. "Why do you keep on intervening with my life? Leave me alone, will you?"

His face drained every emotion that was in it just a moment ago. "You're going nowhere, Hope. Not until I'll let you leave this place. The image of you, cutting your wrist and suffocating yourself still lingers in my mind. And now, you're wounded, and you act as if you don't care for any complications. I know you are in need of help. Kung may magagawa naman ako, bakit hindi ko gawin? You've got to talk it out and not let it build up inside your heart. You are too young and too precious to just be gone early."

Lumalim ang gitla sa noo ko kasabay nang pagbuhos ng matinding inis sa kalooban ko. The feeling of being chained in the neck is what he's giving me. I don't want it. It's the least thing that I would want people to give me. The suffocation. The feeling of being left with no choice but to oblige. It's aggravating. And it's making my blood boil in anger.

"Fuck off," I said through gritted teeth, trying to surpass the anger he's making me feel.

"Paano kita hahayaan na makaalis sa lugar na 'to kung alam ko na sa oras na malayo ka ay hindi malabong mapahamak ka at malagay sa alanganin ang buhay mo?" seryosong tanong niya.

"Ano bang gusto mo sa akin, ha?" naiinis na tanong ko. "Ayaw ng kapatid mo na nandito ako. Ayaw ko rin na malapit ka sa akin. Ano bang mahirap doon?"

Bumilis ang paghinga ko sa sobrang inis na nararamdaman. Habang siya ay nanatiling kalmante at matamang nakatingin sa akin.

Napangiwi ako nang muling maramdaman ang sakit sa likod ko dala ng sugat na nakuha ko kahapon. Marahang hinawakan ko 'yon bagaman hirap sa pag-aasam na huminto ang pagkirot. But it was far from my reach. Tanging dulo lang ng gauze ang nahahawakan ko.

And Waldo took that cue to close the distance dividing us. Walang pagdadalawang isip na nilapitan niya ako at siya ring marahang pagmasahe niya sa likurang parte ng likod ko para pahupain ang sakit. Instead of going to my back where it would be much easier, Waldo chose to do it while in front of me.

Tuloy ay katapat ko na ang dibdib niya, dahilan kung bakit makaramdam ako ng ilang. At siya ring dahilan kung bakit may nabuhay na kung anong pakiramdam sa puso ko na akala ko'y matagal nang patay.

"You're asking me what I want, right?" he whispered.

I can feel his body heat coating my own body. I could already smell his minty breath. And it's driving me even crazier.

"Ano?" pilit na pagsusungit ko.

"Ikaw, Precilla Hope. Ikaw ang gusto ko."

L Y N C E N O