Song:   Gustavo Santaolalla - never again

Imagine; before the apocalypse you were worth a million..

Warnings: mentions of traumatic past, SA, sex trafficking. Blood and gore, angst, fluff. Fucking someone up. Mentions of rape. Like serious trigger warning, no description of the act though but still.

I don't know how I come up with these heavy topics but I feel like people like the angst it brings and also this will be more than one part.

•••

'What the fuck happened out there? One second everything is fine and the next she's bashing his skull in with a glass?!' Tommy says as he walks up to his brother.

'I don't know okay? I didn't see until it was too late.. I don't know what came over her but I'm sure she had her reasons...'

'You're unbelievable..' he shakes his head as his fingers pinch the bridge of his nose.

'She's been good... she's been a model citizen here so yeah I'm willing to bet that there's a reason behind it...' He argues.

It's true, you may seem like a cold hearted bitch but you've been behaving here. You're not the sunshine type but you get by. You do whatever is asked and you're kind to everyone as far as he knows.

This outburst comes as a surprise for him as well. He knows you well enough though. He knows that before this shit went down, life was already an apocalypse for you. But that's about it. 

'I'll go talk to her...'

'Please do, Maria is about ready to send her away for this...'

'What? There's guys that have behaved way worse and she's about to send her away because of this?'

'They're new.. and she's not creating a safe environment for them... and I can't disagree with that..'

'Jesus boy...' Joel sighs. 'I'll let you know what happened... if she's willing to tell me.. and tell Maria that if she send her away, she will send me and Ellie away too..' he turns and leaves his brother standing out in the cold.

You hear the door slam and it pulls you from your disassociating a little. You're still shook up from your own outburst, the blood still present on your knuckles. The glass you've been picking out yourself for the past hour.

'Hey..' Joel speaks up, you refuse to look at him.

You can already tell he's disappointed, you can't blame him. You are just as disappointed with yourself if not even more.

You've been trying to hard to be good, to try and be kind to those around you and it was working. Until he had to show up with a small group, asking for shelter and a safe haven.

Of course Maria agreed and for a while things went okay. You weren't sure at first if it really was him. But then after a while, you were sure that he knew you figured out his identity before all of this, and it made him fucking smile.

You tried so hard to pay no attention to him, people can change right? You changed. Perhaps he regretted what happened, wouldn't make it okay but still.

You were doing okay... until tonight.

At the Tipsy Bison, he approached you. He stood behind you and whispered in your ear like a true creep.

'Glad you're here, reminds me of the one good night I had 22 years ago, and even after all this time, I'd still give them a million for you..' 

That broke your peace, it snapped something inside of you and that's when the world turned red. You had grabbed that glas and you had bashed his head in, there was no denying that... and by hearing Maria's reaction and you now being in this jail... it doesn't promise you anything good-

'Y/n?' Comes his voice. There's a white puff of air coming from him when he talks. It's fucking cold in here.

You pull your jacket tighter around you. A sign for Joel to take off his and give it to you through the metal bars.

You don't look at him still and he has to swallow the lump in his throat. You've had these episodes in the past, zoning off and returning hours later and closing yourself off, but never have you been violent.. not around him and Ellie.

'I'm not... I'm not disappointed in you..' it's like he can read your mind.

'You should be..' you respond, your head falling against the concrete wall next to it.

'Why?'

'Because I bashed someone's head in with one of Jackson's finest glasses.. surely Maria is already deciding to send me away for it...'

'She is... but I told Tommy, if she does that then she loses me and Ellie too...'

Ellie's name makes you flinch a little, she saw everything. What must she think of you?

'What's going on... I know you wouldn't do this unless you were triggered by something or someone.. what happened..' He sits down in front of the bars like a small child. His elbow leaning on his knee while he waits for you to speak.

'You remember I told you my life was already shifty before the whole apocalypse?' You say and he nods.

'I had to take care of myself and ended up... being "sold"... i got into that system and.. couldn't get out... September 25th.. he came in... told them to find him the best they had...'

'You don't have to-'

'I do, Joel, I do...' you cut him off. Your hand turns into a fist but you manage to relax again. 'I was new, and young... so they told him about me... I was... a virgin.. and so he told them that he'd give them a million.. they didn't refuse...'

'But that would've made you... fourteen...' he breathes.

You close your eyes and nod. 'I was... and I had no time to recover.. because a day after that suddenly the world went to shit.. I couldn't even.. run properly and I'll always blame him for that...'

'Why didn't you tell me immediately, I would've made Maria send him away-'

'I didn't know for sure it was him.. until the day I did and he just smiled at me... I tried to keep my composer Joel, I did...' you finally look him in the eye.

Your eyes are filled with tears while his hold this sorrow and empathy. 'But then tonight he...' you take a deep breath. 'He came up from behind, whispering in my ear like the creep he is... told me that he was glad I survived... that I gave him a good night to think off before everything went to shit and that he'd give them a million again if he had the chance and I-'

'I shouldn't have pulled you back....' His sudden anger makes you flinch. 'He doesn't deserve the air he's getting right now...'

'I'm gonna get send away... and it's his fucking fault..' you whisper.

'Hey, no... I won't let that happen... okay? Now come here, let me see the hands...'

•••

After Joel set you free and took you home, he's now on his way to the small doctors office they set up. He's filled with rage at how you're being treated and how nobody bats an eye as to why you had the sudden outburst.

Meanwhile you're sitting on the bed, staring ahead of you once again. The wood has a nice colour, right?

'Y/n?' Ellie asks, still a bit sleepy from the early hour she decided to pop by.

'Hey Els...' you give her a tired smile.

'Are you okay? I uh.. saw what happened... how are the hands?' She asks telling closer carefully. 

'I'm okay...'

'You sure? You don't look like you are..'

'I'm sorry...' you say, 'I'm sorry you had ti see that, you weren't supposed to.. I wasn't... supposed to do that...'

'You must've had a good reason..' she shrugs as she plops down on the bed. She wiggles herself all the way to the headboard and underneath your arm.

She lays her head on your shoulder and you can feel the tears coming. 

'He was your David...' she suddenly speaks up. 'Wasn't he?'

'Yeah..' you manage to croak out. 'He was...'

'Then you did the right thing, even if it looked fucking disgusting...'

'Ellie...' you huff with a small smile.

'What? It was disgusting... he's gonna need some plastic surgery...too bad we don't have that in Jackson...' she shrugs and you can't help but smile a little.

Here you are, thinking she'd see you as the monster. But instead she sees this as a heroic thing.

On the other side of Jackson Joel barges in just as Maria talks to the rest of John's group.

'We don't feel safe here... not with someone like her just punching people-'

'Now that's hilarious... she's the one feeling unsafe because of this prick right here...'

'He didn't do anything!' The woman beside John argues.

'Joel, they have the right to feel that way, she attacked John..'

'Because he told her he's give us a million to be able to do to her what he did 22 years ago... this prick raped a fourteen year old for a million.. the day before outbreak day... she didn't want to dat anything, thinking he might've changed but of course not because pricks like that never do...' he's out of breath from the anger he's putting in those sentences.

The silence in the room is thick. A knife could cut through it, as they say.

'He stood behind her, and whispered in her ear... and something snapped,  if I am honest, I would've done way worse... he should be glad that he's even getting to live... bet he didn't tell you that did he?' He snaps his head towards the small group, all of them having the air punched out of them.

'So Maria, if you're gonna send her away then you might as well do the same for him, he caused this himself... call it karma or whatever...because I'm afraid to even leave her alone right now...'

'She's lying...' John speaks up.

'Which part? Because it's both fucking disgusting if you ask me...' Joel snaps back.

Maria lifts her hand for Joel to stop talking.

'All of it...'

'Bullshit...'

'She asked for it-'

Tommy grabs Joel because he knows how protective he can get, he's seen it before with Sarah, with Ellie... he will not stop once he's started.

'You're just as bad as me... dating her... or whatever is going on with you two... I bet she thinks of me when you're with her...'

'Pull him out of the room now!' Maria says.

'Shit..' she sighs as she hears the door slam.