This chapter contains sensitive topics which may not be suitable for all readers; self harm. Readers discretion is advised

Author's note a year later: should I change/remove this chapter? Rey is physically drawn to Kylo Ren who's an emotionally abusive guy, so he exploits this weakness. It's an internal struggle for her (she hates him but desires him) that she can't escape so she finds herself subconsciously hating her own self (hence the self harm). That's what is happening here. Is this 'too much' for a Star Wars fan fiction(?) I'm currently doing a final round of edits before finishing this novel, and reading this now a year later, I'm wondering if this part needs to be removed. I welcome your thoughts.

-------

"You are a monster."

"Yes, I am."

-Rey and Kylo, The Last Jedi

-------

REY

I run my hand along the walls of the unfamiliar ship. Its hallways are wide and the carpeting lavish beneath my leather boots. Where am I? I try to recall my last memory but my mind's too foggy. I don't have any destination but my steps seem sure, like I'm heading somewhere on purpose. I pass one door after another. The quarters feel empty, even though I can't see inside, I can sense it. And I sense that the ship is idling and not going anywhere.

A familiar sickening feeling rises up inside of me as I near a door. I stop and wave my hand in front it. The door slides open.

Kylo Ren sits up in his bed, his light saber in his hand in a flash. He reaches out and pulls me to him. I fly forward and the door closes behind me.

I resist his pull, before I get too close to his red crystal blade. He slices my belt, cutting a small section of my scarf and I step back. The belt falls to the floor, loosening my scarf, which slides down my shoulders. In one swift movement Kylo has my wrists tied behind my back with the scarf and is standing behind me. I wince in pain as he tightens the fabric. He reaches in front of me and slides a large hand to my neck, forcing my chin up.

"Why are you here, Rey?"

"I... I don't know."

"If you're here for your brother, he doesn't want to go with you."

"He's not my..." I stop, swallowing hard against the unnatural tilt of my neck as Kylo holds me against his chest, my wrists bound behind my back.

"He's not what?"

"Let me go," I say, intending to sound angry but the words come out like a desperate plea.

"Why did you come?" he says again, but I don't know how to answer. I don't remember even coming here. "Ah, I see." He breathes warm against my neck and I try to pull away but can't. "It's a dream, isn't it?"

"I don't know."

Kylo's other hand slides over my stomach and I clench my fists at my back.

"Please, don't." I try to pull away and the scarf around my wrists tightens even more. I cry out in pain.

"I feel the conflict in you, tearing you apart," he says in a mocking tone. "Isn't that what you said to me, once?"

"Why do you invade my dreams?"

"I don't. You invade mine." Kylo slides his hand to my ribs. "You need me."

"Don't..."

"Say it," he whispers, tilting my chin up higher and making it impossible to swallow.

This is just a dream. It's just a dream. I want to wake up. Please wake up.

Kylo's chest warms my back and I feel the beat of his heart. "I can read your mind, Rey," he whispers. "I know the truth."

"Leave me alone."

He spins me around and leans in close. "Say it." His eyes search mine and I can't look away. He's right. I can lie to myself all I want, but I can't lie to him.

"I need you," I whisper, swallowing hard.

Kylo's eyes travel to my lips. "I didn't hear that. Say it again."

I shut my eyes tight and unwanted tears escape down my cheeks. "I need you," I say again, a bit louder this time.

"I know you do."

Kylo releases me suddenly and I stumble backwards, landing hard on my shoulder.

I wake with a start, pain shooting through my wrists. I look down and see a dark liquid oozing from them. Why are my wrists bleeding? A small blade of metal hull plating falls from my hand to the floor. Tears stream down my face, making it difficult to see, but I can't wipe them away, or I'll get blood on my face. Did I do this?

I'm on the Millennium Falcon. I was keeping watch and must have fallen asleep. I get up from the pilot seat and the ship spins around me for a moment. Someone grabs my arm.

"Poe?"

"Easy does it." Poe lowers me back into the pilot's seat and spins it around so I face him.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, too disoriented to hide my hands, which are now in my lap and staining my cloak with blood.

"It's my turn to keep watch," he says.

He reaches up and opens a drawer, then takes out a metal case. Inside are bandages and ointments. I don't say anything as he skillfully wraps my wrists and cleans up around me. He picks up the piece of metal hull plating from the floor with blood on it and throws it into a bag along with the rags he'd used to clean up. "I'm going to take this to the garbage at the back," he says, his expression unreadable.

"Thank you," I say, but he's already gone.

When he returns I'm still in the exact same position, in too much pain to move. He hands me a flask of water and two pills and I flinch as I try to manage them with my hands. "Pain medication," he says, helping me. I take the medicine and he sets the flask aside. "Your cloak is covered in blood. Do you want to take it off?"

"Yes, please," I say, getting up slowly. Poe helps me remove the cloak and he folds it, tucking it away beneath the seat. He looks at my sleeve wrappings. "If we re-wrap your sleeves, starting lower, at the elbows we can cover your bandages with them and then no one will..." he trails off and I know what he was about to say, 'and no one will see what you've done.'

He works in silence until my bandages are covered with the sleeves and out of sight.

"Please don't tell the others," I whisper.

"Tell them what?" Poe gets up from the bin he was sitting on and sets it aside.

"Thank you," I say again.

"No problem." He looks down at me. "But Promise me you'll talk to someone, about whatever's bothering you."

My stomach tightens and I don't respond.

"Talk to Leia," Poe continues. "Soon."

I nod and he helps me up.

"I'll keep watch and you can sleep in a more comfortable-"

"No!" I grab his arm and pain shoots through my wrist. "Ouch."

"Rey-"

"I don't want to sleep. I'll stay up here, with you."

Poe nods and doesn't object.

We sit in silence in the cock-pit, watching the dark expanse as my pain killers kick in and my muscles relax. The ache in my wrists settles into a dull throbbing and I relax into the co-pilot's seat.

"Poe?"

"Yes."

"Can you read?"

"Read?" He glances at me and I look away, embarrassed that I never was taught to read growing up on Jakku.

"Yes, read books," I say.

"I studied ancient languages and mythology in second level school before I became a pilot."

"I thought you always just wanted to be a pilot."

"Not always." Poe smiles and my heart swells with gratitude for his help and non-judgement.

"Would you be able to read some of the Jedi texts to me?"

Poe nods. "I can try."

I close my eyes, drifting off into a medicated induced dreamless sleep.

------------

Author's Note: Since I posted two chapters today I might not have one ready for tomorrow but I'll be working on it and post when I can 😊 thanks for reading!