Nicole

It's very clear I don't belong here. That's why I don't even try to fit in. Someone like me isn't welcome here. Many wouldn't hesitate to tell me that. But because of John, they know better than to state that. For the sake of John, I play by the rules. People call this a conference, but in reality, it is a party in disguise, exclusively, for the rich. Exclusively, made for people like John. People come to get closer to people like John, the ones who are born and raised privileged. They live and die only knowing what money and power are. 

A young man approaches John, the man whispers in John's ear, most likely signaling that someone across the room wants to talk to him. John looks at me, to which I nod as a gesture. I know what his looks mean, this one means he is telling me to wait for him to come back at the exact spot. Never could get used to this place. People here don't care for your well-being, they only care what you can do for them. When someone approaches you, they want something. It literally can be anything from your approval to throwing insults. For the longest time, I fought to be someone, but now I realize it's better to be a nobody. I turn to the window nearby. The ballroom is surrounded by tall long windows on the left side where I am standing. It's quite dark outside, a majestic type of night. Slowly it starts to drizzle. I close my eyes while facing the window. Shostakovich Edward Elgar Salut D'Amour is being played in the background. 

It was five years ago when I came back to the United States after finishing up my doctorate in Denmark. I was coming back not as Nicole Garza, but as Dr. Garza a microbiologist. I had given my early 20s to dedicate it to my research. I was a published scientist in several scientific publications. I had become someone. I remember flying in the day so excited to come back to my home and to the people I left behind. During my time away, I thought about the people I cared about, it kept me going. I wanted to come back home and be received by them. I was coming home for them. Coming home for him. 

I look out the window, watching as the rain pours down. I hate recalling the past. But that is what has driven me to come this far. How ignorant I was back then. How foolish and childish I was. 

***

5 years earlier

The idea of flying was a genius invention. I praise those inventors, they have made life so much easier. I was coming back home to the United States. I had been away from home finishing up my research in Denmark. My research was extensive as I was investigating antimicrobial resistance. It's a vital part of the environment. When I first arrived in Denmark I was scared but I reminded myself why I was there, and why I was doing it. I learned to love my work, as rigorous as it is. I left projects unfinished that are now up to someone to finish. I have done enough to come back home. 

Rather than stopping at the hotel, as soon as I arrive at the airport I call a taxi. The weather is fresh today, Its the beginning of winter, but there is no snow yet. Only the fresh cool breeze is around. My life is desirable now. I can afford things I couldn't before. I can afford a taxi, something I couldn't before. I give the taxi driver the address to where I am headed. I never wanted to leave home. But living abroad has opened doors. I have a name now. A name people will be able to recognize at the sound of it. But my life is lacking something. I have a job secured and a nice apartment ready for me, but it's still incomplete. That's where I am headed. Only the love of my lie can complete it. 

I arrive at my destination and let the taxi driver know not to wait for me, the house is as grand as I remember it. A colonial house with its garden well taken care of, just as I last saw it the house hasn't changed. I ring the doorbell of the house but do not get an answer. I look at my suitcase and I start to notice a few cars are parked in the driveway. Perhaps they have company over. Walking towards the back I pull my suitcase to follow me. Hearing a commotion,  I open the gate to the backyard. 

There are wedding decorations everywhere. The backyard is infested with elegant wedding decor. I look around and it seems no one has taken notice of me yet. I try to look around for the person I came to see. I see him. The blond hair and blue eyes. His smile is as charming as ever. I start to walk in his direction when I see him pull a girl into a kiss. I stop in my tracks. The girl is wearing what a bride would on her wedding day. My eyes turn wide at the realization. This is his wedding. I stagger backwards and as I turn my eyes catch a glimpse of my best friend in shock like a deer in headlights. 

I run out of there, I keep running until I am out of the driveway and outside the fence. I looked around, I told the taxi driver to not wait for me. How stupid of me! I try to breathe, but the air around me seems to have thickened. My eyes start to water so I look up hoping they can go away. I look back from where I ran from, then to my hand holding my suitcase. I am dreaming right? Or did I just walk into the wedding of the man I love?