HATING THE SILENCE

When the nurse arrived at her room with a wheelchair, Ileana face lit up instantly. Not only could she see someone who she thought of as a possible friend, but she could see something other than the four plain walls of the hospital room that had been eating at her sanity. As much as the staff tried to keep her boredom at bay, she found herself counting the ceiling tiles. After having done that over twenty times, she's decided that there's a hundred and twenty tiles there, depending on whether or not you count the cracked tile as one or two. 

Ileana didn't have any regrets about it, even as the nurses were helping her into the chair and lighting her body on fire. Agony seared through her muscles and bones, a monstrous presence she had long become accustomed to. She even welcomed the pain, grateful for the reminder that her heart was beating - a reminder that she was alive while the innocent man she killed wasn't. So she kept her lips sealed, masking her discomfort, knowing that if she let the truth spill from her lips, she might not be able to see Rhodey. And have a change of scenery. 

She was rolled down corridors a blaze with glaring artificial light, full of angst and misery. As much as the twisted emotions tried to dampen the glow within her, her mood remained unchanged. Ileana was beaming, ready to greet something foreign. Despite her radiating happiness, something was eating at her. What had happened to Rhodey? Tony didn't have chance to tell her before he ran off to see him, and she hadn't seen that day. She wanted to be prepared for what was wrong with him - she wanted to be as nonchalant as possible when she saw him. It was something she knew was necessary, considering how she noticed heads turning her way as she rolled further into the hospital, them barely hiding their grimaces and poorly concealed relief that it wasn't them who had ended up like her. 

In her lap, a delicately designed notepad carved with swirls and a pen were neatly laid out. She wanted to talk to him, and Tony knew that sign language wasn't something Rhodey knew. So when the nurse came up with her wheelchair, he showed Ileana the gift Tony had gotten for her. It made her eyes open a little wider to the truth. Tony Stark was a caring ass hole. 

Butterflies fluttered in her stomach as they neared the room. The occasional squeal of the wheels did nothing to calm them, her hands bunching around the blankets bundled around her body. She wasn't sure if he would want to see her, if he would appreciate her company. She wasn't the best person to be around, with her appearance having been mangled by the rubble and her voice non-existent, leaving conversations dragging on longer than they should. 

Their wings were flapping forcefully by the time they were outside the door. Her nurse opened the door, peeking inside. On the bed, Rhodey was asleep, lost deep in the land of desire. He gulped, closing the door softly. He didn't want to go against Tony Stark, but there were boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. 

"I'm sorry Ileana, he's sleeping. Maybe we can come another time." Her face fell within an instant. All of the negative emotions that had rebounded off of her were now absorbed into her. She looked up at the nurse through the lids of her eyes, them widened slightly. Her bottom lip was jutted out, and she looked like a puppy. Ileana was trying to trick the man, and it was working. His resolve crumbled. "Fine! You can go in, just be quiet. I'll bring you a book and some jello to keep you busy until he wakes up, okay?" 

She perked up straight away. Her head shook up and down, an action she regretted instantaneously when a wave of dizziness consumed her, and the nurse opened the door gently. She contemplated telling him, but before she could make up her mind he was pushing her further into the room.  He parked her next to the bed, making sure that she was comfy. Ileana had to hide her sigh of relief when the incessant squeaking of the wheels had been silenced. It had been burrowing into her ears and magnifying the light pounding in her head. Rhodey's room was identical to hers, apart from the advanced equipment shoved tidily into the corners. 

"I'll be back in a minute, you'll be alright?" The nurse whispered, leaning down to Ileana so she could hear him better. She grinned, attempting to give him a thumbs up. Her fingers shook vigorously, her thumb unable to straighten fully. Pain rocketed through her hand and she immediately relaxed her hand, her smile falling along with her fingers. 

The nurse hurried out of the room, his rushed footsteps fading into the distance. Her eyes followed the edges of the room, catching sight of a frame on the table by her side. It was Rhodey and Tony, both of them laughing hard at something. The photographer captured the moment, highlighting the tears of joy running down their faces and the cracks in their faces. It was beautiful. It was something she yearned for. 

Minutes passed, and she resorted to counting the tiles on the ceiling. She tilted her head back as though taunting her headache to get worse, mentally counting as her eyes traced the stained tiles. Ileana reached one hundred and six when the door was nudged open, her nurse carrying a tray with a pot of jello and a book in his hands. He closed the door just as quietly behind him, making his way to her. He carefully picked up her notepad and pen, expertly placing them on the tray and sliding it on her lap in one manoeuvre. 

He passed her a device, a red button in the centre of it. Out of curiosity, her fingers danced to the button, but her nurse's warning halted her. "Use that in an emergency. If something happens to you, just press that button and I'll be down quicker than a parent finding out their kid is having sex. Okay?" 

Ileana nodded again, tentatively picking up the spoon. The jello had a thin, watery consistency and her spoon easily glided through it. It was the apple flavoured one, the one she hated the most. "I'm sorry about that. It was one of the last ones they had. I was close to having to wrestle it out of someone's hands." 

She smiled at him. He stuttered, suddenly realising he was intruding on her time with someone she knew. "Um, well, I'm going to go now. If you need me, press the button." 

He hurried out of the room, his embarrassment taking over his thoughts. That's why when he left, he let the door slam closed naturally. The sound reverberated in the room. Ileana flinched, casting a cautious glance to Rhodey. His breathing was still deep, and his eyes were securely closed. 

She sighed, digging into her jello. Ileana felt the butterflies ease up in her stomach, barely noticeable under all of her layers of pain. As soon as she came into the room with Rhodey, she'd felt herself be more relaxed than she'd been in a long time. 

*

The dog eared book in her hands did nothing to captivate her attention, her focus drifting to the man laying in the bed. She would occasionally take a bite out of her jello, trying to battle the onset of boredom. Ileana turned another page slowly, the paper letting out a tiny whoosh. A sigh overtook her body. As much as she loved having company, she didn't love it so much when that said company wasn't speaking. Or awake. 

Ten pages in there was a rustle. She looked over her book, seeing Rhodey's eyes drift open and blink frantically in the piercing light. Ileana smiled, her arms moving slowly downwards. Tenderly, she dropped the book onto her tray, subtly picking up her notepad. 

His head snapped in her direction. Rhodey's eyes widened in shock, taking in her broken appearance. The last time he'd seen her, she had had long, glossy brunette locks caressing her back and light brown skin, all of them having disappeared. The last time he'd seen her, the only stark scar on her skin was the one slicing her neck, and now he couldn't count how many there were. His mouth was agape. 

Ileana timidly picked up her pen, opening her notepad. Rhodey watched her, taking note of the tiny flinch that only twitched her eye as her pen stroked the paper. She finished the sentence, visibly relieved that she didn't have to inflict the pain on herself any longer. Ileana shifted the notepad closer to him, so he could read the jumbled writing. 

It's horrific, I know. 

Rhodey blanched. He couldn't form any words, his mouth opening and closing. Ileana noticed this, smiling sadly at him. She had thought that talking to him would make her feel a bit better, as it always did, but it only made her feel worse. 

After minutes of silence that felt like an eternity, Rhodey spoke up. "It's not horrific. Just... different. Personally, I believe you suit the crew cut." 

Ileana grinned, amusement dashing onto her features. Rhodey found himself smiling back, her happiness infectious. "Why are you here? Not that I'm complaining, I love the company. I just pegged you as wanting to be as far from what happened as possible."

 Ileana gulped, pulling her notepad closer to herself. It took her a lot longer to write this reply, a warm flush heating her face at the time it took. Rhodey was patient, not changing the subject and making everything she was writing irrelevant. He made sure she was finished writing, catching the exhausted sigh escaping her. Without a word, Rhodey reached over the bed, grabbing the notepad. Her words were displayed before him, a heart breaking reply. 

I have no one. I thought Barnes was my friend... we all make bad judgements. My family doesn't want anything to do with me. By sitting here, keeping you company, I don't know, it makes me feel less lonely.

Ileana slurped another spoonful of jello into her mouth, nearly wincing at the bitter taste. Rhodey placed the notepad back on the tray, his expression not full of the pity she was expecting, but a hidden smugness. He was happy that she had chosen him to see, and had chosen him as the person she wanted to be around. 

She picked up the pen, and wrote more as an afterthought. Rhodey again waited for her hand to stop driving across the paper. 

I can't leave for a while either, so that's probably a big factor.

Rhodey choked out a laugh, covering his mouth with his hand. His smile was wide, having never faltered the moment they started talking. "Glad to help." 

She grinned at him, unaware of the green jello stuck in her teeth. He snorted, refusing to tell her what he was laughing at. She huffed at him jokingly, getting adjusted to the pain of writing the longer she did. Each and every time, Rhodey watched with attentive eyes, ready to relieve her of the pain of passing it over. 

Both of them were lonely, in pain, and in need of something else. In that moment, they found it in each other.  

She wished she could've stayed at Rhodey's side for longer. Their conversations dipped into the darkest parts of their minds and rose into the gut busting moments. It was so natural, so easy to speak to him. Their was no awkwardness between the two, and they only fell silent when her nurse came in to wheel her back to her room.

Ileana bode him a sad goodbye, waving at him as she was rolled out of the room. He waved back with the same solemness, his hand not dropping until the door clicked behind them. It fell with a soft thud, and he stared around the room. It felt too quiet already, with no pen attacking the paper or his snorts attacking the room. 

He hated the silence.

And so did she.