Sedna leaned back in her chair, and her eyes got a distant, unfocused look. Dema somehow knew her grandmother was entering the dreamlike state that Dema herself was now in perpetually. When Sedna spoke again, it seemed as if her voice had become an echo, for Dema knew her thoughts before she heard the words.

"Dema, I begin to understand your situation. In the usual course of events, one becomes a shaman by seeking it with purpose and will. But you have had this power thrust upon you by events you did not expect." 

There seemed to be an unspoken thought that, however unexpected, Dema must have in some measure sought this experience, or it would not have occurred. She was not sure what to make of this thought, or indeed whether it had come from Sedna or was entirely her own. So she set it aside.

Sedna went on. "Perhaps if I tell you of my own seeking, it will help you align your experience and own it, so you will have control," she said.

"I was younger than you, but not by much. It was my own grandmother I went to, not my mother, much as you have, for my mother, like yours, was not strongly inclined toward the old ways. Perhaps there is something to the notion that these things often skip a generation.

"There was not much in the way of preparation, really. The whole objective of the seeking is to deprive the body, so that the spirit will be forced to resort to its own inner resources. Grandmother gave me a small bottle of water, and told me to walk deep into the woods and find a place to sit. She did not tell me where to go, but said that once I had chosen my spot I must sit there without moving, and wait for her to come.

"In truth, I took it as something of a lark. I had heard stories of the vision quests of other shamans, of course, but I always assumed they were greatly exaggerated. So I went directly to my favorite glade, and began to prepare a spot where the grass was smooth and soft. 

"But something told me Grandmother would not approve of this choice. So, somewhat reluctantly, I walked on, deeper into the forest, until I found a place I had never been before.

"There, instead of a grassy glade, was a slab of stone, a granite outcropping that had been weathered bare of cover. In the center of this broad slab was a shallow indentation, in which a thin layer of sandy gravel had accumulated. It was there I sat down to wait for Grandmother to arrive.

"I thought she would come for me in a few hours. I drank the water she had given me and waited. She did not come for three full days.

"At first when she did not come I thought she simply had trouble finding me, that I had after all gone farther than she had expected me to. Maybe she had waited too long before starting out, thinking to find me closer to home. When she finally found me she would be impressed that I had gone so deep into the forest. So even though the sun was setting and I had begun to feel chilly, I did not give up hope that she would find me before long.

"As the night drew down around me, I kept hoping she would come soon. Every slightest sound of a night-foraging creature I took to be her approaching footsteps. But as the stars brightened and wheeled their way across the cold sky above me, I had to conclude that if she had not found me by then she had been much too far away when it got dark for there to be any hope of her coming before morning.

"So I resolved to wait out the night, despite the chill. I would greet her so much more proudly in the morning for having done so. My body, of course, protested, but that much of the stories I had believed. I assured myself that I could suffer through a few more hours, and Grandmother's approval would be worth the pain.

"I'm not sure how I endured that first night. I must have simply gone numb. Not that it was so very cold, just that I was not prepared for it at all. When morning came, and the sun began to warm me, it was such a welcome thing that I felt better out of all proportion to its real effect. I was actually cheerful, almost elated, sure that Grandmother would step out of the trees at any moment.

"But still she did not come.

"As the sun rose high and I knew that there had been more than enough time for her to find me, even had she returned home the night before and not set out 'til morning, my spirit withered. I had now been nearly a day without food, there was no water left in the bottle, and the sun was turning my stone slab into a frying pan. 

"Sweat broke out between my shoulder blades, under my breasts, and ran in rivers from my armpits until my clothing was soaked and I was sitting in a steaming puddle of my own making. The sun baked my head until I could almost feel my brain sizzle.

"That may have been what kept me there. If my brain hadn't been fried, I might have decided it was time to move, to find some shade and a stream to drink from. But instead I just sat, dizzy with the heat, and waited for the sun to go away.

"As that long afternoon wore on, I slowly realized that I was not my body. Of course I had always known, or at least been told, that my spirit and my body were distinct. But before that afternoon my spiritual awareness and my awareness of my body had been so intertwined that I had never really felt that distinction. 

"Now I did. I had separated from the dizziness that my body was experiencing and realized that I was aware of it only from a distance, in the same way that I was aware of the trees, and the earth, and the breezes that drifted by. In this state, it seemed to me that everything was somehow connected to everything else. I had a profound sense that the trees, the earth, the breezes and my body sitting there in the midst of them were all part of the same intimate reality.

"I did not know it at the time, but I had reached the first level of shaman awareness.

"Later, as the sun sheltered behind the trees and late afternoon breezes cooled my body, I came back to myself. The sense of separation ended, but I was elated from having experienced it. This, I thought, is what Grandmother has been waiting for. She knew this would happen, and couldn't come to me before it did. Now she will come and want me to tell her all about it. 

"I actually scanned the trees in front of me minutely, thinking she must have been standing there watching me the whole time. When I spotted her I would make a little gesture with my hand to let her know I was back in my body, and she would step forward with a smile and help me to my feet.

"But I didn't see her, and she didn't come."