She thinks about him every day, and the longing is so full it reaches her legs. She wants to walk to wherever he is and stay there forever. She'd leave everything behind. Everything.

She sighs and sprays her venus flytrap with a warm, light misting, looking out at the balcony window.

She had finally left Jeff after an argument and an apology proposal that she'd rejected. It had been a long time incoming, she truly had started to despise the way he didn't seem to care about her needs. When she'd gotten pregnant again, nothing changed between them and she'd had her fill just before Christmas. She'd broken free of his half assed attempt at loving her.

She watched her two children play. Her eldest son was now almost 3, and her littlest had just hit 1 a few months ago. They were playing with blocks on the carpet, one lining them up by color and size and the other knocking them around.

"Augustus, play nice with your younger brother please." He had looked close to a meltdown, but he smiled up at her. "Remember, he's a baby."

"Okay, Mommy. Jonny smells poopy." He wrinkled his nose in the same way that she did and she laughed.

"Of course he does." She set down the plate she was washing and dried her hands.

The mixed children looked nearly identical to each other, and people would always ask if they were twins. Irish twins maybe, but definitely not twins.

Jonny met her halfway and used her pants to pull himself upright. She picked him up with a flurry of kisses and he grabbed her face excitedly. He loved kisses, and she loved having someone to be affectionate with while she was by herself.

As soon as she started walking toward the changing pad, the baby squirmed in an attempt to escape.

"Sorry buddy, Mommy will try to make this quick. For both of us." She did just that, trying not to breathe in too deeply but gagging anyways. She had no idea how they were now essentially eating the same things but his diapers always smelled like toxic waste. He giggled and cooed when she told him he was stinky and dropped the diaper into the special trash can.

She sat with them now, dishes could wait, and watched them play.

Augustus had a bulkier, almost muscular build for being a toddler. His huge curly afro was wild today, she would need to brush it before bath time. He had almost black irises like hers, and incredibly light skin for being mixed. Ever loving, but also incredibly assertive. When he was younger she could remember countless times when he would tell her no to kisses or hugs. She always listened and made sure to praise him for his boundaries, even if he was so cute she couldn't bear to keep her lips off of him. He looked like she did as a child, save for the light skin.

Jonny however was incredibly affectionate, and he looked a little less like her. His hair was even more curly than Augustus' and his skin a little darker. He was always asking for kisses and wanting to be held, but he also had his streaks of independence beginning to show. He preferred now to feed himself and would push her hand away with a firm, "No." when she tried to feed him something he could feed himself. He was silly too, he loved strange things like pool noodles and full soda cans to practice walking with and less strangely, balloons. He was precious, but what got her every time were his eyes.

Soft and brown and loving, just like his father's. They were almost honey brown, and she adored them.

She felt guilty when he would smile at her and it would break her heart a little, but it couldn't be helped. She'd live with these feelings potentially forever, and she had to be okay with that.

Steven was gone now, and she just had to take that in stride and try to move on even if it made her nights restless and her stomach queasy.

Their affair had ended abruptly, after he'd gotten fired from his job and moved to the other side of the country.

She had dumped Jeff, but two months too late. Steven had already fled the scene and now she hadn't seen him in over a year.

She stalked his instagram. She knew it was weird and terrible, but she liked the chance of seeing his face again.

He looked different now, more settled and less relaxed. His fiancé was pretty and very kind. They shared a lot in common with each other, and she tried to feel happy for them but it was just so hard.

His girlfriend recently posted a video of him staring off into the distance, humming something and spinning his ring around his finger. It was captioned, 'He's so handsome'. He was, he still was. But Connie had recognized the song right away, and it made her feel like she was going to faint as she flashed back to the backseat of his Honda. Friends, that's what he was singing. She's avoided listening to it for the entire time they'd been apart, but hearing him sing it made her heart wobble.

Jonny started to cry and she snapped out of her thoughts as the doors buzzer rang. She ignored it and soothed the child, glaring at the buzzer and wondering who the hell had accidentally hit it and scared her baby.

As she held him, her mind drifted back to Steven. She'd tried to date other people, one almost successfully, but she couldnt help but compare them to him. No one treated her as well, and no one fucked her as hard either. She missed ballroom dancing with him, she'd fantasize that after work he would come home and twirl her around like he used to and it hurt every time.

Only recently did she start to let go. It was over, she reminded herself he had an almost wife. Gretchen was sweet and bouncy and wore so much pink it was almost a staple for her. She was adorable, and she knew with certainty he'd never leave her even if they'd been best friends since elementary school and the chemistry was strange to her.

When her therapist said she was mourning, she'd scoffed and laughed it off initially. But looking back on the last year she could tell she had been quietly grieving. She was reaching the final stages of acceptance now, even though it was bittersweet to truly say goodbye.

Her phone buzzed and she pulled it out to see a live notification. She raised an eyebrow and clicked it when she saw it was Gretchen.

Strangely enough, it was an old notification. It was dated 1 week ago. The video was blurry but she was sobbing and chasing after someone. She heard the screech of tires as they drove off and it cut midway through. She searched her page for updates, blankly staring at the broken heart emojis under one of their posts and the words 'Missing Persons Alert' on her most recent post.

She sighed and dropped her phone. "That's enough internet for today." The buzzer rang again, this time repeatedly. "Fucking hell," She snapped and sat down Jonny.

She buzzed them in, and grabbed some Tylenol as a splitting headache crashed its way into her head.

Augustus cried out in excitement when Jonny stood up by himself with no help and Connie smiled widely.

"Look at you! I'm so proud!" She wanted to race to him and scoop him up in her arms, but she patiently waited for him to fall first. The second he did, she raced over and hugged him tightly.

"Mama," He cooed and rested his lips on hers in a sloppy baby kiss that left hers wet.

She gave a watery chuckle and smiled. "Gross, but I love your baby kisses."

"Do you like my kisses too, Mommy?" Augustus tugged at her shirt and she nodded emphatically.

"I love both of your kisses so much, I might never stop kissing you if I start!" She crouched down and gave him a few kisses and then switched to Jonny.

The evening went by fairly easily, and she found herself having a relatively simple night with Jonny snuggled in her arms and Augustus by her side leaning against her.

A knock at the door startled them, but she stood and placed the baby on her hip. "Wanna see Mommy punch someone in the face for not calling before they visit?"

"Mommy punching people is bad!" Augustus informed her with wide eyes. "But sometimes you have to protect yourself. Only if they're a bad guy, Mommy."

Jonny squealed and smiled a toothless little grin and she laughed. Her kids were awesome.

She unlocked the door and opened it.

Then she closed it again. The knock came almost immediately and she swung it back open.

He didn't say anything to her, his eyes were locked on the baby in her arms. "Is..."

She was speechless. Heartbroken. Terrified. Confused.

"Is that my baby?" He finally looked up at her. "Those are... my eyes."

Jonny shyly tucked his head into her neck and peeked at the man. When she went to soothe him, she saw he was smiling.

She swallowed and nodded. "Those are your eyes. And this is your baby."

"Can I come in?" He looked tired and ragged and depressed, just like he had on Instagram.

She clutched the doorknob tighter and didn't move. "You shaved your beard."

He smiled, a huge happy smile she had missed. "I'll grow it back."

"Mommy, is it a bad guy?" Augustus came to her side, protectively wrapping his arms around her leg.

"No, baby. It's not a bad guy," She said through tears.

"Please, let me back in," He implored her.

She moved back to let him walk in. "Take off your shoes, Steven."

He didn't, but instead held out his hands. Instantly Jonny reached back and Connie recoiled in surprise. While Jonny was a social baby, he didn't just go to anyone.

"Please," He begged and his voice cracked as he stepped a bit closer to the straining child.

She handed him to him and the sight made her break down. She sobbed into her hand when her normally lively son rested his head in the crook of Stevens shoulder and fell asleep.

"I'm home."