Although I wasn't called for, I left my new dorm, situated by Will's side, and slipped out of the dorm and to the Headmaster's office. I knocked and once he said "Enter," I quickly ducked in.

The Headmaster didn't seem surprised when he saw me, but then again his mask hid any expression he would show. He smiled, amused, and I was brought back to that night when I killed Vic. My hands shook before I knelt down on one knee.

"You've been taught well, Rottings. Did the punishment scare you into becoming so docile?" his confident voice cooed, hiding a bit of laughter.

"I come here not to speak of the past, but the future." My hands shook and I fixated my eyes on the table instead of the Headmaster's face. "Can you allow Clive, at least, a normal life? A life without murder and to pass the Knight Exam?"

"What is the meaning of this?" His tone had changed quickly.

"It's just he has so much potential! I don't mind if I have to give something for him to do this—I need him to be grounded, to be normal. Not killing rebels."

"Then who kills the rebels?" the Headmaster asked. "You? Son of the man who is plotting to overthrow His Majesty?"

I couldn't speak. My tongue was heavy and I knew I couldn't kill again, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. I wouldn't be able to breathe without guilt! I was not able to do anything for Clive, who was always there for me.

"Either way, Rottings, this year during the final exam there'll be a little surprise."

"Surprise?" I felt sick when he said it. "Can Clive and I work together?"

"No. You will never be a pair with him. Don't bother to dream."

His laughter boomed, and shaking, I couldn't speak any more on the subject and rushed out without saying anything.

Clive stood outside and backed away from the door, and I hugged him.

He hugged me too, then gestured for us to go upstairs. He pulled me into the room and hastily locked his door.

We whispered each others names and hastily kissed, unable to waste time talking. He kissed my neck and finally slowed down, both of us panting, scared to whisper anything. His room was dimly lit with a lantern and the candlewick was so short I imagined he used it often for night missions.

"I can't explain it, but I have a bad feeling about the physical exam this year," I whispered.

"I heard," Clive said, his lips pink from kissing me, and I reached up to rub his earlobes with the gem. I moved it hand and he leaned into it.

"I want to just sleep with you. Nestle the way we used to," I realized. His presence itself made me forget about all the things I disliked and the trauma we faced. We were together, after all.

"You always told me you hated it."

"I lied. I just thought we would forever be students and be together, but with my family situation and yours I don't know anymore."

"It's only winter," he reassured me. "We have three months until the final exam, and I'm sure we'd win however we are paired up."

He was so foolish. So innocent. My hands ran past his hair and we kissed, tongue soft against one another, and I tasted his lips, fearing it'd be the last time.

But strangely, Clive cried with almost no sound besides his sniffing, and he hugged me, his mouth's hot breaths on my neck, hand running through my hair. Hugging him back I laid down on his bed with him in my arms, and his tears stopped, although he watched me intensely, eyes wide and glassy. After minutes of just laying down and hearing his heartbeat the flame fizzled out.

I sat up, knowing I couldn't let Wyatt most likely tattle me out. I suspected it was why I was placed in their room. I told Clive then unlocked the door to leave for my own room.

Will and Wyatt were sound asleep and both snored a little. It sounded like I was in a prison sharing my space with other prisoners, but I understood it was how most people in Graycotts lived. No one had the bond Clive and I had.

I couldn't sleep that night. Clive wasn't wearing his mask and cloak, so if not to kill, why did he wait outside the Headmaster's office in his uniform?

Either way, by the time I fell asleep it was dawn, and I'd later be woken up by Will for class.

***

There's a loneliness in love. Winter break I left for home but this time Clive wouldn't come with me.

When I arrived home Richie was tender than usual.

"Your father is home," he said, and I felt myself stiffen and I couldn't stop my racing heart. It felt like it's explode in my chest the moment I saw him and that dinner, we gathered.

My father's face had weathered and his hair was half grey with some dark strands, and cut cleanly, maybe even recently. He had these dark grey eyes like Daniel's, but they held no dear memories. His face was a little more sunken, eyes bags prominent, and he didn't smile.

"Sons, I have an announcement."

Jonathan and I straightened up, Daniel seemed to slide down in his seat, wishing to not be pointed out. My father's tone of voice was almost always the same, whether it was a good or bad announcement.

"I'll say it clearly, Jonathan, you are to be engaged to Lilith Sargent but you'll unable to hold the wedding ceremony for a few more months. I'm sure you've heard, but I'm the head knight as of now. I'm not planning a revolution—do you hear that? His Majesty is not good at politics and my directions are just advising," my father spoke, tone the same throughout.

"...when you graduate Graycotts, Nathaniel, you are to take the knight exam immediately. I heard about your partner but I have a partner I think you'd get along with. Lastly Daniel, I want you to marry a girl, what was her name? Well, the Leon family to be exact. As for Nathaniel, you'll focus on becoming a knight, don't make me wait too long."

After comprehending everything I could see my brothers' eyes dart to me, the way we used to as children. We hid our disappointment and nodded and accepted what our father told us.

"What exactly is the situation with His Majesty so far? The Sargent family has also heard of some strange rumors," Jonathan took the responsibility of asking what we were all wondering.

My father looked at him and for a moment I thought he was mad until he spoke.

"It's a strange story people under my station are spreading. Why would I ever uproot the King? He's been a wonderful ruler over Goldengrave, which I trust we all honor as knights soon."

He looked at me. "So when do you graduate again?"

"In May," I whispered. Then I thought of Clive and the Headmaster. Feverish and confused, I wanted to ask for a bit of time. How mad would my father be?

I opened my mouth to say it. "I need to do something after graduation, father. I need to check up on my partner." It was vague and I expected the lashing, but instead, my father gave me a small wry smile.

"Your partner is a vagrant, isn't he?"

My father looked down on those who had foreign blood so I couldn't nod.

The silence was heavy and Jonathan looked at me, widening his eyes, and Daniel was smiling, glad I was saying what I wanted.

"Why do you need to check up on him? Is he leaving?" my father asked.

He never cared for making small conversation so I felt as though something wasn't right, that there was a hidden meaning I didn't understand.

"He has a problematic patron and I don't know how he'll fare. I want to tell him goodbye, at least, if I were a knight and sent out to fight," I explained with my chin up. I should not look down, it was a habit my father hated.

"I'll give you no more than three months. Afterwards, our family should be together and celebrate Jonathan's wedding to Lilith Sargent, and welcome the family as ours." The focus was back on the pressing matter so I felt myself able to breathe again.

For the first week, that was the only time I spoke to my father. Other than that he was always in his study, and I looked at the snow outside, surprised how fast a year had passed without Clive. Last year's hunt seemed so far away, as well as walking in the snow and talking about going to Will's house.

I wrote many letters to help me say my thoughts in my quiet house, but now for the first time, I wanted to say my thoughts on letters. I decided I would write to Clive, and picked up my pen.

In my room I wrote the letters in guilt and fear, but I couldn't stop thinking of Clive crying that night.

Dear Clive,

I've been thinking about you this winter. There's a poet that always said, "A snowflakes kiss/reminds you of the person you miss" or something among those lines.

I know I shouldn't be writing you, but the thought of losing you after graduating doesn't sit well with me. Come with me, I think you can be adopted by my father—his attitude for people who aren't Goldenvale citizens has changed, only knighthood matters.

Imagine that, us being brothers, living everyday together, talking about all our happiness and sadness. Next time you cry, I hope you can tell me why, but I won't force you. The touch of your warm hands are enough.

I'm writing this because I think you need to get away from the Headmaster. If he's touching you there's even more reason. I'm sorry I never knew. Can you really stay with a man like that? I can obtain some black dye and we can dye your hair and run away, if not stay with me.

I'm sorry I never knew anything, I'm sorry I'm writing about it and bringing up bad memories. When I think of you crying my heart hurts—it's like we really are connected by the flesh...

Sincerely,
Nathaniel Rottings