"Let's open the letters," Clive said.

The Headmaster couldn't order me to do anything while injured so I read it, expecting some words of acknowledgment of our win against Wyatt and Will, but felt my blood grow cold as I read those words.

"...and so, over Winter Break I will expect a large en mass attack on a gathering of protesters involved with the coup d'é tat. No one will be excused from this gathering unless granted special permission by me, the Headmaster..."

"I'm going to talk to him," Clive said after putting the letter in his drawer. "Would you prefer to stay here?"

"I'll come with you, maybe the sorry sight of me will change his mind," I said quickly, not going to let him endure the Headmaster's wrath.

"I guess we should go together. Here, grimace more." Clive pinched me cheeks playfully before sighing.

"What's that heavy sigh?" I asked.

"I—I was looking forward to being with you, like in the summer. With you, anywhere but the academy. The academy is always entangled with memories of murder." He hugged me gently, but I knew he wanted to crush me in a tight hug.

"Clive, I feel the same. I want to hold you even when my bones are broken."

Clive's placed me softly in the bed and began kissing my neck. I relished as his kisses grew, more frequent and hungrier. He was going down on me and I let out soft moans.

It didn't matter to me who was fucking who. I looked at Clive's tired, sad face, the face so perfect he could've been a painting. A sculpture.

His eyes caught mine and he smiled, touching my genitals and anus. My cum and his were mixing as he inserted a finger, then eventually his dick.

It hurt, but I didn't want him to know.

I gritted my teeth and somehow found joy even when it hurt, all to see Clive's face change and know he loved me.

That was enough.

Clive didn't cease fucking me and eventually I couldn't keep it in and groaned, but the fear of people hearing had subsided. Most students were back home. That's the only reason I allowed Clive to do it to me in our dorm.

He kissed and aroused me again and again, licking my nipples, giving deep kisses, and biting my ears, whispering in his husky voice.

"...enough," I had whispered.

"Let's nap, then," he said, holding me body to his like a doll's.

I looked up at him then finally felt a strange thing overcome me. You see, I loved Clive. Yet a part of me feared him, because he was so hollow inside, so bored as he trampled over the bodies of men and women we had killed.

I stayed with him in the bed but couldn't nap.

We hadn't went to the Headmaster yet as the last two days when we went families were visiting and they were all either thanking the Headmaster for taking care of their son or telling him to be stricter. Also, some parents who coddled their son were angry when they saw their precious son nearly bald.

Clive and I waiting at night, mainly him, but even then the Headmaster couldn't be reached.

It wasn't that I wished to go home, but I was sad such a wonderful plan of meeting Will's family and just being somewhere happy  with Clive couldn't happen.

Whatever mission we were given I would probably be a distraction to him. He would focus on me and I would focus on him. Knights had to fight for themselves.

Knights couldn't really love.

***

Clive and I went to greet the Headmaster, cloak and mask on. It was midnight. Clive saw the closed doors and knocked.

My heart almost leapt out of my throat when the door opened. The half obscured face that greeted us scared me so close up.

The Headmaster never opened the door for us. He only ever said "Come in" upon us knocking and we let ourselves in.

"I was at the peephole," the Headmaster somewhat explained. "And I've been waiting for you, Rottings. You and Clive don't have to join in the task I sent out. Instead, I have something else in mind..."

My blood truly did feel cold under my clothes and I wavered.

Let me fight! Stop playing mind games!

"I heard about a suspicious gathering at the Rottings residence—"

My head jolted up and I felt my body ice cold.

No.

No way Daniel or Jonathan of even Richie would dare! Father would behead whoever it was, son or not. Even I feared his wrath without him in the house.

"I—it has to be a misunderstanding, or some sort of mistake. The Rottings House would never dare betray His Majesty!" I scrambled to speak, my wounds hurting as though the very words the Headmaster said had pierced through me.

Clive reached out and held my hand.

We looked up at the headmaster but the mask obscured what expression he had. I couldn't even see his eyebrows and know if he was frowning or not.

"It matters not what you think. We made careful consideration until the knight family suspected of being rebels were going to the Rottings House. Weekly, for a month," the Headmaster said.

No way! Jonathan and Daniel should both be at home, but why would they have such a guest?

"Maybe it's to compromise, to convince the other knight family against—against their choice. To set them on the right path..." I blabbered on, not hearing myself. I was feeling as though the room grew bigger in the span of a second and the ground I kneeled on seemed uneven.

Damn, was it my anemia acting up? Or a fever?

I wanted to hurl.

"Really? Well, they must be close enough to intrude at one past midnight and enter through the back door of your house!" The Headmaster's almost amused voice made me feel smaller and smaller.

"What is your mission for us?" Clive asked.

"Five, I'll be assigning the two of you to stay over at Nell's place this break. One month, and I want you both to nip it in the bud before there's larger trouble."

"What exactly are we doing? You don't propose killing his brothers, do you?" Clive glared at him.

"Of course, even family comes second. Only Goldenvale comes first." The Headmaster smiled nonchalantly. "Right, murderer?"

I flinched.

"He's not a murderer!" Clive shouted for me. "Call me one but don't call Nat—Nell a murderer."

"Lower your voice, Five. And I never mentioned killing."

Clive relaxed a little. "Then what is the mission?"

"As for you two, I only want you to spy on Nell's family and report back to me. They aren't rebels, they can cause a coup d'é·tat with their influence."

"They would never—especially my father," I mumbled. The headmaster ignored me.

"What is your answer?" he asked.

Clive held my hand tighter just a little, and the warmth grounded me. I felt a little more clear-headed, and turned to the floor.

"Yes, sir," I said quietly.

"Yes, sir," Clive followed, but disgust was in his voice.

We left the hallway and until the reached our room we didn't speak. Once I tossed off the mask and coat in anger, my suppressed cries appeared.

I never wanted this life! To be a Rottings, to kill, to be a citizen of Goldenvale!

I didn't want that, but Clive had gone from a worse world to reach this point where we coincided. And here, I had no right to pull him back. We had to advance.

I sobbed and Clive sat me down and rubbed my back, gently, knowing my body hurt when I flinched. Yet my hiccups and heavy sobs hurt them more.

"I'm sure this is a misunderstanding, don't worry," Clive said.

"I'm afraid. I don't know anyone in my family close enough to really say," I sobbed.

"What about Daniel?"

"That's exactly why I fear this more—because it can be Daniel."

"I suppose he is the most suspicious, with that document he signed about changing partners and refusing to kill," Clive said my thoughts.

"Please, help me," I begged, hugging him tight. My bones hurt but the reassurance even one person was on my side helped.

Clive and I hugged on the bed, and I began to turn to him when I saw his face was somehow unaffected. His eyes were clear and a normal smile was on his lips. Amused, like the Headmaster, yet he had a pitying smile.

"Help you?" he asked, hand tracing my wet cheeks. His forefinger stopped at my lips. "If they are rebels, we will simply kill them."

I stared at him, speechless.

Was that what he was thinking the whole time?

How he'd kill my family?

"They're my brothers! And my butler!" I pushed him away and he was soon standing over me. He reached out a hand but I slapped it.

"All that talk for me in the Headmaster's office was just an act?" I asked, wishing he'd deny it. "Are you seriously fine killing my family? Hurting me?"

"I never want to hurt you, Nathan."

Clive held my finger tightly and I remembered it was the finger Carlos had cut before. Nathan kissed it and was soon kneeling before me on my bed, face lifting before looking at me.

His face was so calm. Nothing like the facade in the Headmaster's office.

"You were protecting my family before, in the office..." I muttered weakly.

"Your family doesn't matter to me," he said plainly. "You're the one I care about. If killing them cuts ties off and protects you, I will."

He wasn't wrong. If I killed the traitor, I would be able to continue and be a good Goldenvale citizen.

"But you stood up for me," I mumbled, confusing myself. Had he?

"Nathan, I'd never let the headmaster have any control over you, to manipulate you," he said.

"Then why?" I asked.

"I'm your lover, Nathan. Only I can make you make faces like that."

His hold my my hand tightened like before but now I flinched, not knowing his true thoughts. He was angry at the Headmaster because he had to play the perfect part of my lover.

"Even hurt me by killing my family and people I care about?"

Clive laughed softly, as though it were a game to him.

"That sounds likely. I'm your lover, after all. We only need each other—"

"No." I felt the bile in me return. "No, that's not love. You're obsessed with gaining control over me, just like the Headmaster!"

"No, I love you, I don't lie about this, Nathan," he said.

"I had trusted you." I glared at him. "I've fallen in and out of love with you multiple times, but this settles it. I can't love you, Clive. You're—scary."

"Scary?" His smile diminished into an expression that seemed to have stopped in its tracks.

"Of course you are!" I pulled away my hand sharply. "Leave me alone!"

He stood there, a bit past the moonlight and in the shadows. I couldn't imagine his expression but his body seemed to blend into the dark. Tired and lifeless.

Like I'd snuffed out a flame within the once bright and poised Clive.

I went to the bathroom and locked the door. I vomited and watched as bubbles of foul smelling bile exited my mouth. My reflection had saliva trickling down my chin and I thought of Clive and our last time fucking.

Did I look like this? Liquid over my lower face and eye bags so prominent? So pale and skinny? Over the sink I washed my face again and again, then I grabbed my towel to wipe my face.

If I could've erased our past in that moment with magic, I knew I would.

After all, the eventual breakup hurt me worse.