the kiss list, adrian pucey
𝒋𝒂𝒏𝒖𝒂𝒓𝒚, 𝟏𝟗𝟗𝟑

chapter thirty-eight
number 18: JASON SAMUELS

✧ ━━━ · ✦ · ━━━ ✧

     "YOU GAVE HIM A FUCKING MIXTAPE?!" Maxine exclaimed incredulously.

     "What's wrong with that?" Bianca asked in response, rather sheepishly. She knew exactly what was wrong with giving Adrian Pucey a mixtape for his birthday. The one that correlates with the one he gifted her for Christmas. The one that is labeled the supposed "most romantic thing" someone could do for another. After she had rejected him (not directly, but she might as well have).

     Maxine scoffed, "Oh, I don't know! Maybe because you broke the poor kid's heart and then proceeded to give him a gift that screamed "I LOVE YOU TOO!"," Maxine stopped mid-hallway, where the two were to disunite ─ Maxine to Potions, and Bianca to History of Magic. "Bianca," her voice went soft and the Gryffindor could already hear what her friend was about to tell her. The same thing that everyone had been telling her for weeks. "I know I'm annoying, and I don't want to force anything on you, but are you sure you don't love this guy?" she cocked her head.

     Something was different about this time. Something was different this time around when one of Bianca's friends hinted at her denial of love for Adrian Pucey. Because this time, it sounded like Maxine actually cared. As if she not only cared for Bianca but for Adrian too. Was Bianca that much of a raging bitch? Could everyone see how cruel she was towards him? No one else knew of Adrian's gift from Bianca, but that doesn't mean it never happened. It did happen, and she has mixed feelings about it. He seemed to like it. He also seemed to hate it. He had shown signs that he was starting to move on. And he also seemed to be showing less of a I-fucking-hate-you-leave-me-alone attitude and that was─

     Adrian was starting to move on. Adrian was starting to move on. Let go. Forget he ever loved Bianca Larsson, which she wasn't as willing to forget. Ignore those feelings and get on with his life, like he was supposed to do. And Bianca was just starting to realize that she didn't want that. She didn't want that at all.

     Bianca stared at the floor, her head yet to be ready to give Maxine an answer, "I don't know."

     That was the first time Bianca hadn't denied that she loved him. Granted, she didn't say "yes, I'm sure I don't love him", and yet Maxine's expressionless face didn't falter. She didn't show any signs that that made her happy. That she was so glad Bianca was finally starting to come to the conclusion that maybe she did love him. Because Maxine didn't like the idea of "unsure". She didn't want Bianca to say "yes, I'm sure I don't love him", but she certainly didn't want the Gryffindor to say "I don't know". Because Maxine cared for Adrian. For some bizarre reason, like it affected her at all like they had had more than two formal conversations alone, Maxine didn't want the boy to get hurt. And for some reason, it didn't matter that her best friend was on the giving end of that pain. 

     Maxine gave her friend a light squeeze on the hand, "Then give him space."

     The Hufflepuff fled the hallway and around a corner and out of sight, leaving a very bewildered Bianca on her own in the middle of a busy junction of hurrying students.

     Space. Bianca had barely gone two days without talking to Adrian in the past five months. She may not have initiated those interactions, but she had gotten used to it. She had almost ended up liking it. And now she was supposed to leave him alone completely? 

     A sharp twinge of pain surged through Bianca. Maxine was right ─ she needed to give Adrian time to heal. He needed time to heal from the pain that she had caused him.

     History of Magic ─ although the least of her worries ─ was exactly what Bianca didn't need right now. Professor Binns' and his stupid voice that could probably send someone into a coma of boredom if he spoke for long enough, was the last thing she wanted to suffer from right about now. And to make things worse, Leo was sick with a bug and was staying in bed for the rest of the day.

     Now on her own, due to the seating plan, Bianca shyly shuffled into the classroom, clutching her books tightly into her chest, so much her lungs felt compressed and her breathing hitched. Her loss of breath didn't help when she saw Adrian sat in his usual seat ─ the one in front of her own. She was happy to see him laughing again. Just upset she wasn't the one making him laugh.

     Angelina, Katie, and Alicia all had seats at the front, since, at least at the beginning of the year, none of them were particularly affected by Professor Binns' infamous voice. And Bianca and Leo were smart, racing to the back at the first chance they got, with high hopes that the distance would make his dreary tone washed out. They were wrong, but she didn't regret her seat's position in the classroom. The three of them offered her natural smiles, before she was out of reach, and in her seat ─ one of five people along the back row. 

     It was almost as bad as one of Lockhart's self-obsessed lessons when Bianca was half-asleep at the back of the class. She would love to say she enjoyed the subject of History of Magic because Bianca doesn't doubt that if she had a different professor, she would find it exceedingly interesting. But she doesn't, and therefore her coma of boredom is but minutes away.

     Adrian doesn't seem to be quite so bored, however. In fact, he had been told off multiple times due to his constant chatter to Graham Montague, and his disruption of the class. Bianca is beginning to think that he might actually be able to move on if she gives him enough space. Look at him now, not a word, not even a greeting was shared and he's thriving, even in the dullest of lessons.

     Bianca's coma, however, was cut short. Because she was not the only half-asleep, oblivious to the work they are supposed to be currently completing, student on the back row. She soon learned this, when a tall, broad shouldered-blonde slid into the seat next to hers, the one Leo Raywood should be occupying.

     "Do you know what he's talking about?" The boy whispered, so close to her now, she could feel his warm breath tickle against her ear.

     She took a second to look over at the boy, now sitting beside her. Yellow hair, like her own. Soft skin, gentle smile, with big teeth and faint dimples. Jason Samuels. The same guy Maxine had caught staring at Bianca the night she broke Adrian Pucey's heart. Nice.

     Her chuckle was quiet enough not to get caught, "Not a clue."

     "Right then," Jason said, "Keep watch, and shove me if he notices me sleeping, will you?" he prompted, with a flirty grin, as he readied himself in a position to fall asleep in on the desk, his arms crossed, leaving a nook for him to rest his head in. 

     It was lucky they were at the back because she hadn't looked to the front of the class, where Professor Binns' was babbling on about the Goblin Rebellions of the seventeenth and eighteenth century for the last five minutes. At least she knew that much ─ her brain hadn't completely shut off. "Hang on." Bianca muttered, "How's that fair?" she flashed him the same sort of smile back ─ friendly and coy.

     Jason chuckled under his breath, "Okay, then. I see your point," he nodded his head, briefly glancing up at the ceiling to find an alternative, which meant he still got the chance to talk to the Gryffindor some more. After about a second, Bianca reverting her gaze to the ghost at the front, to make it look like she was still in the History of Magic zone, Jason lowered his head and caught her attention once again. Their features were level, and but inches apart. "How about we take shifts?" he suggested.

     Bianca covered her top lip with her bottom, "That could work."

     "Say ten minutes?"

      "Works for me," she said, rotating her head back to the chalkboard. This was the longest conversation with Jason Samuels Bianca had ever had. She wasn't planning on leading him on. Despite Adrian's wishes to continue the bet regarding The Kiss List, she didn't want to betray him. Betray? That's the word that came to you, Bianca? You're not dating him? 

     "Sleep well."

     "You can bet on it," Jason sent her a short wink ─ innocent or not was an undecided conclusion ─ before slumping his head onto his forearms. "I'm Jason by the way."

     Ten minutes later, Bianca was shoving her elbow into Jason Samuels' arm to wake up him. She hardly expected him to actually be flat-out asleep, but by the rather large yawn he made when he finally lifted his head, it became apparent just how tired he really was.

     "Morning," Bianca teased, admiring how his hair went all bed-head like even though he had been nowhere near a bed.

     He sat upright, and discreetly fixed his hair, and leaned over to her ear, "This lesson isn't over yet?" he groaned, clearly quite comfortable in her presence despite this being their very first actual conversation in five and a half years.

     "We said ten minutes," Bianca replied. "I wasn't going to let you have overtime, Samuels."

     "Ohhh," he sang. "So you do know who I am. I was getting a bit worried there."

     Bianca scoffed silently, "Oh because it would be a catastrophe for you not to be known by the entire student body, wouldn't it, Jason?"

     "See?" he said. "You get it," A smirk crept up onto his pretty face.

     "Care to share with the rest of the class, Miss Larsson and Mr. Samuels?"

     Clearly sitting at the back wasn't as effective at concealing their interactions as Leo and Bianca had initially thought. Then again, they had never spoken this much in class. Jason was apparently worse of a bad influence than Leo was. Which is weird to think.

     As Professor Binns stayed misty white at the front of the class, his ghosty hands resting on his hips (if you could even call them that?), Bianca had gone bright pink, and even the confident Ravenclaw beside her was showing physical signs of embarrassment. The professor was still waiting for an answer.

     "We were just uh . . ." Jason tried to spit out something, but nothing that could save their asses from a detention came out.

     Bianca decided to try herself, "We were just discussing how cool it is to have such riveting history so close to home, sir. What with Hogsmeade being so significant in the rebellion of 1612, where our very own Three Broomsticks pub was used as headquarters," she finished it with a big broad smile, tucking one hand underneath the other on her desk.

     Adrian had turned in his seat to see Jason's eyes glued at her yellow head of semi-curly locks that belonged to Bianca. A look of such admiration. Adrian gulped and turned back to face the front, where he didn't look up once again.

     Jason stared at Bianca briefly, before nodding to confirm her words in the Professor's direction.

     Binns pursed his lips, "We have yet to reach that segment in the syllabus," he said. "You have done your reading, I see. Very well. Next time, I'd rather you didn't talk over me. Let us continue, however. Your test will be on the Goblin Revolts of the earlier seventeenth century and I advise you to . . ."

     Any eyes that were still lingering on a still red Bianca, had now returned to the front of the classroom, and the room was filled with the mundane echo of Binn's voice once again.

     "Nice save," Jason said, this time more prudent with his delivery ─ he didn't move his mouth to her ears, but simply sat to the front, and kept his voice level to a minimum.

     Bianca followed suit, "It's my forte."

     "Lying to professors?"

     "No, spitting out random academically related facts from my head."

     "I like you already."

     Although it was technically her turn to put her head on the table and take a nap, she never really planned to anyway. And now she gave him a wink, echoing his earlier actions, and stared into the back of Professor Binn's head.

     "This may be a bit forward," he sparked conversation again, and Bianca was not too keen on the idea of having to brew up yet another false cover story for their professor to hear since they were talking once more only seconds after Binns had told them to stop. "But would you wanna grab a drink from the Kitchens and then go study for this test neither of us paid enough attention to find out what it's on when classes are done?" Jason added a little flashy smile at the end.

     This was harmless, right? A simple study session. The two of them could put their minds together and see what they could muster in terms of revision. 

     But why was she questioning at all in the first place? Jason asked her to study for god sake's. He didn't ask her on a date. He didn't even need to add the "this may be a bit forward" part because truthfully? It wasn't at all. It was a good idea if anything. Why was she worried about how Adrian would react? Or how he would feel? Why did she react to everything as if they were in a relationship? Is that what she wanted? Is that why she . . . 

     No. She sent him a polite smile, "Sure."

     She tried not to, she really did. But after about three seconds of telling herself not to because it would benefit her tonnes if she didn't, Bianca glanced over at Adrian. His head was in his book, his face absent of that brightness she had noticed when she walked in. He wasn't smiling anymore, not even Graham knocking his side and muttering something that he, Graham, found funny in Adrian's ear, could make a small grin crack. 

     Bianca's mind immediately went to the worst possible conclusions. Did she do something wrong? Did he not like her and Jason being friendly? Does that mean he's still in love with her?

     Whatever the reason for his loss of smile, Adrian didn't get told off for talking after that.

➼

     IT WAS THOSE EXACT SAME THOUGHTS THAT ran through Bianca's mind for the rest of the day. They wouldn't leave her alone. It was like her brain was a bone, and her thoughts were a hungry dog, knawing at them until she was so exhausted, it was impossible to keep up.

     Did Adrian still hate her? She was supposed to give him space, right? But does he actually want that? Why did it affect Bianca so much to see him hurt by her talking to someone else? They're not dating? Bianca and Jason, nor Bianca and Adrian. She cares about him, sure, but that's none of his business, right? So why does it feel like it?. . .

     Bianca must have spotted at least 70% of her History of Magic class fleeing to the Library on her way to the Kitchens. It was apparent that she and Jason weren't the only two that had decided it would be better to start their revision early, considering they hadn't the slightest what Professor Binns was talking about the entire lesson, besides the topic title.

     The chatter in the crowded corridors was loud, and Bianca had to keep constantly lifting her bag higher so it rested on her shoulder for longer, instead of being dragged off by passing students. 

     It would be the eighth time that her shoulder has been violently brushed past in a moment of hurry, when a slightly taller figure was shoved into her side, sending her bag to the floor, and throwing her off balance almost completely. She had to stop walking just to gather herself amongst the crazy flow of younger years.

     "Shit, sorry," The voice of the body belonged to cursed. Bianca would recognize that voice even over a deafening buzz from a boisterous crowd trying to get to their common rooms or wherever they were going to spend their time now that classes for the day were done.

     "Adrian," Was all she could say, in a breathy tone, as he bent down to pick the bag up from the floor. He smiled awkwardly, passed her her bag, and sped off in the opposite direction. Either he was in a serious hurry, or desperately didn't want to talk to Bianca right now. She hated to come to the conclusion that it was most likely the latter.

     But as she crossed her bag around her neck ─ something she should have done from the beginning ─ one thing stuck out in Bianca's mind. 

     Would he have picked up anyone's bag if he knocked into them, even if it wasn't his fault because he was technically pushed by other passing students? Dammit, of course, he would. This is Adrian Pucey ─ the kind of guy to fly down and help up one of the members of his opposing team because they fell off their broom (that reminded her ─ Bianca hated The Kiss List and did not want to take away his sport). If it were anyone and not Bianca's bag that fell to the floor, he would have bent down anyway. Because he was being polite. Not because it was Bianca. 

     It was such a short interaction as well ─ an awkward smile that he would give practically anyone as a type of apology for knocking into her. No greeting, or even acknowledgment of who it was. Maybe Bianca was just thinking too highly of herself in Adrian's eyes. Like she deserved a greeting because they were friends and he was once (or may still be) in love with her. But that's what stood out to her:

     It was almost as if they were strangers.

     Bianca had to physically shake away those gut-wrenching feelings, by squinting her eyes and shaking her head. She continued on to the Kitchens like she was supposed to before she had lost a friend.

     "You don't drink tea?" Bianca asked incredulously, as Jason collected his small cup of coffee from the counter in the underground Kitchens.

     Bianca had somewhat forgotten her thoughts from earlier, dismissing them as moments of her being an expert overthinker. She decided it wasn't worth worrying about, and whatever was meant to be, would be.

     "Hate the stuff," Jason said, walking away and towards the portrait exit so the two of them could go to the Library after meeting up to get drinks before they went to study like they had planned earlier, expecting Bianca to be following after him.

     She had stopped still, "I'm sorry, I don't think I can study with you anymore. Not after dropping that bomb," her eyes had shrunk, and her forehead crinkled, as she finally started walking to the door. "I mean, what kind of Brit are you?"

     Jason stopped to turn around, "A unique one," he shrugged innocently, his face lit up with mock pride, as he watched her strut past him, her strides long and purposeful and her hair flowing high behind her. Jason chuckled to himself, taking a sip from his drink to warm himself up. 

     That 70% of students that Bianca saw hurrying out of the hallway? All still held up in the Library, their heads burrowed in various textbooks, 85% of which were on History of Magic. It was almost funny.

     Jason followed Bianca to a desk in the middle (was it weird that it's the same desk that she and Adrian sit at whenever they're in the library together?), where they settled down and got right to studying. And by "studying" that means Bianca helping the Ravenclaw because at least she had some idea where to start.

     "You sure as hell know a lot for someone that supposedly wasn't paying attention," Jason pointed out, both of their hands laying on an open textbook of Magic in the 16th, 17th, and 18th centuries, that was sprawled between them, as they both peered down at the pages, Bianca guiding their reading.

     He was staring at her, and it was about time she finally looked the boy in the eyes, in order to fight the guilty feelings that were weighing her down just because she was studying with a boy who just happened to be on The Kiss List. Bianca shrugged, "I'm smart."

     Jason huffed, "So am I."

     Bianca sighed dramatically, "And yet, here you are, asking for my help."

     His tongue darted out of his mouth, to moisten his lips, "Touche."

     "Besides," she said, "I didn't get my ten minutes rotation to nap in class like you did," she pointed out, after their agreement to watch over the other so they could catch a break in such a mindnumbing class, where Bianca didn't get a turn before they were caught talking.

     "And yet I can still maintain my intelligence."

     Bianca glanced over at his page of notes. All that was there was the date and title. Bianca's parchment was practically weeping ink, since she had written so much since they had arrived in the Library, "Tell that to your note-taking."

     As easy as Jason was to talk to, Bianca couldn't help but be thinking about anything else. The test didn't worry her, she didn't care that much if Jason failed, all she could think about was Adrian. Not The Kiss List ─ they were not at all related anymore in fact ─ just him as a person. And his smile and how it disappeared. And his laughter and how it died out. At the sight of her smiling with someone else. That smiling with someone else wasn't worth it.

     "I heard about your win," Jason said, breaking the lull that had settled between them. The air was thick and for the last half an hour she had been hazily replying, whilst simultaneously scribbling down detailed notes, whilst simultaneously wracking her brain for some kind of conclusion to end her confusion regarding how she currently feels. "At the Chess Tournament. My sister told me."

     She'd rather not talk about the Tournament that Adrian didn't go to because he was too in love with her to even make it. "What's your sister's name?" she asked, trying to sound as curious as possible. Bianca felt as though she wasn't being fair enough on Jason ─ he had done nothing wrong. In fact, she was beating herself up internally because she believes she's done everything wrong.

     "Her name's Morgan," he said with a nod, as he dragged his quill across the parchment to make disorganized squiggles, the scratching of the sharp point against the paper making her cringe.

     "Oh, Morgan Samuels," she replied with a smile. "Yeah, I think I played her actually. She's a great competitor."

     "She'll be pleased to hear that coming from you. Congratulations by the way."

     "Thank you."

     It felt almost robotic. That's why it was so easy to talk to Jason. Because he was so textbook good. Perfectly fine. A decent human being. Their conversation felt computer-generated. Like someone was typing out the words, and watching them deliver those same pre-written sentences. It didn't start like that though. Just until she noticed Adrian. And he flooded her senses and every working department in her brain.

     Bianca tried to focus on her work. But the combined fact that a handsome blonde was staring at her, and the blurry, disconcerting, complex, lovey-dovey mush that was her feelings right now, made it rather difficult. She turned to look at him and put on her cheesiest, toothiest grin. "Am I that interesting to look at?"

     Jason had his shoulders hunched, and his chair far away from the desk he was sat at, causing his back to arch. He gave her a crooked and undeniably charming row of teeth. "Yes actually."

     Did that mean he was attracted to her? Oh, Jason, what are you doing to her? How does Adrian feel right now? Wait, no, he doesn't know. Why are you bringing Adrian into this again Bianca? A boy finding you attractive doesn't involve Adrian Pucey or his feelings whatsoever. So why is that all you're thinking about?

     Her mind went back to the mixtape.

     Bianca placed her quill down carefully on the bare patch of wood beside her pot of ink and in-progress-essay, "Hey, Jason?" she said, grasping his attention, so he glanced up from his work, and blinked in her direction, his quill still feebly resting in between his fingers.

     "Hmm?"

     "If someone were to make you a mixtape made up of loads of songs that were sentimental to you the two of you," she bit her lip, "what would that mean to you?"

     Jason put his quill down now, not careful enough to not drip spots of ink on his clean parchment ─ he was that taken-aback, "Oh shit," he lowered his voice as if it were some kind of secret, "do you have a boyfriend?"

     Bianca's head jerked back, "N-no," she stammered. What? "Did that make you think I did?" she asked anxiously. 

     Jason swiveled in his seat, so his shoulders weren't twisted now that they were in a more proper conversation (that means Bianca was making more of an effort), "Well," he drawled, "if someone were to take the time to make me a mixtape then, yeah, I would suspect we were probably dating," he nodded his head, making his whole body bounce back and forward a little.

     Her teeth were leaving indents in her lip now, as she bit harder. Her eyes fell from his and sagged to the desk. "Huh."

     "Huh" wasn't the least of what Bianca was currently feeling. Confused for one. Confused at her own feelings. How does that work? How could she not work it out? 

     Bianca blames The Kiss List for the reason that her only rational and logical thing to do right this second to work out how she felt was to kiss the boy in front of her. And not because he was right there in Adrian's Stalker Scrapbook, marked as number eighteen, and not crossed out. But because she had kissed so many people in the last five months, it's all she knew how to do. Oh, how the tables have turned.

     She wanted to see how kissing someone else right now with these feelings, would feel. And hopefully answer the questions that were eating her up inside and distracting her from the simple, more important things around her, until they were put to rest. Would she feel like she was betraying Adrian? Would it feel wrong, because it wasn't him? Does she actually care how he would feel if she kissed the handsome, athletic boy in front of her just because she can and because he betted she couldn't? She's kissed over a dozen people in a five-month span ─ not that many, but for September Bianca? Unheard of ─ why are Adrian's feelings only suddenly posing as a problem? 

     "Can you kiss me?" she blurted out, her eyes shooting up to meet his, eager for some reason.

     Confusion swept over him, "K-kiss you?" he let out an airy laugh, as he stared at her oddly serious expression. He laughed as if to return some sense of amusement back into this apparently humourless atmosphere.

     Bianca gave him one punctuated nod, "Yup," she lifted her chin, inching closer. "Just one big smackeroo."

     She could tell that he wanted to do it, and there was no way he could deny that he was anxious to kiss the smart, funny, and very pretty girl before him, quite literally asking to be kissed. And yet she could tell, he was one of the good guys. "Uhm okay?" he sang, before dropping the mischievous smile. "And there's definitely no boyfriend in the picture right?"

     "Nope. No boyfriend."

     Jason nodded very slowly, Bianca sitting eagerly waiting for him to make his move. Not because this meant that she'd be one step closer to beating Adrian at the bet because she didn't want to take his Quidditch spot away from him ─ the bet meant nothing to her anymore. But because she needed to know. Bianca needed to know what these all-consuming feelings meant.

     The Ravenclaw leaned in, unhurriedly, and brought his hand to her face. Touching her lightly, he brushed the hair out of her eyes, and tucked it behind her ear, before settling his palm on her cheek and connecting their lips.

     Bianca got her answer almost immediately.

     The kiss was . . . nice, she guesses. Nothing more than that though. His lips were ever so soft, and she felt his stubble tickle her skin, and his hair fall against her forehead. It lasted for a good few seconds, Jason's hand still resting on her cheek, and her own hand nonchalantly placed on his leg. But she didn't need any more than a second. Because the guilt hit her like a speeding car.

     She hated the feeling that Adrian was somewhere near and watching, his heart being torn from his chest because he is still in love with her. Or he was on the other side of the Castle grounds and was blissfully unbeknown to the horrible deed Bianca was committing. And that broke her own heart in two. Except he didn't know, and couldn't see, and Bianca wasn't even sure if he would have cared.

     But she did care. And right now, that's all that matters.

     Bianca pulled away, and there was a quick moment of oh my god before she settled back into her chair and twisted her feet back to face the desk she was sat at. "Thank you," she offered Jason a grateful smile, as she gathered her things. As grateful as she could muster considering she had just asked for him to kiss her, got what she wanted, and now she was leaving. Jason nodded a simple "no problem at all" kind of nod, before watching her stand up, where his forehead then creased. "But I've got to go."

     Jason shot to his feet, "Can it wait?"

     Bianca swallowed, "Not really," she said, hauling her things into her arms, "I'm really sorry though, Jason," It was almost a whisper, so she sounded sweeter than she actually was. "You're a great guy, truly . . . " There was a beat. Bianca was scared to say it out loud. Anxious even. But part of her was excited to say it out loud. So the whole world knew. ". . . but I've already got one of those." Her face flushed red.

     The dents in his forehead deepened, "But I thought-"

     "No, no, I don't have a boyfriend," Bianca was quick to put his puzzlement to somewhat of ease. "It's . . . complicated," she said, biting her lip. The Gryffindor pushed her chair under the desk, "Thanks again. We'll talk soon, yeah?" 

     All he could do was let his shoulders sag, and nod his head once or twice in response.

     Jason was a nice guy. And, honestly, probably the nicest and most respectful out of all the guys Bianca had had to have kissed the last few months. Malcolm was sweet of course, but there was history there. Miles was lovely, and Bianca had been incredibly surprised by him. But Jason? She had never spoken to him before in her entire life and he had yet to fail on making good first impressions. But because of that, Bianca realized something else. And it was so fucking obvious this entire time, she could slap herself. Everyone around her had been telling it to her. The boy himself had practically been telling her. Her heart may have done, but her brain hadn't caught up until now:

     She is in love with Adrian Pucey.

     Bianca just hopes that she isn't too late.