Dear Journal...

Well, here's the rant you've been waiting for.
I'm organizing this into sections.
(If you do not want to read this, scroll down until you see the next set of 3 stars)

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~Section One: My Crush~
Don't question this. Anyway: Yesterday, at my party, me and the people who came were in the bounce-house place of the bowling alley. It was really loud, since everyone was playing tag and there were noises coming from the arcade. And there were some occasional claps of thunder. At that point I was just freaked out, so I went and hid. Anthony (who is my crush) noticed me hiding and this is how our conversation went.
"Are you okay?"
"No."
"Too loud?"
"Yeah."
"Here, I'll come up."
So he came up to where I was hiding and we chatted for a while. It really calmed me down, because I could block out everything else and just zone in on our conversation. Then we went and played some games in the arcade together.
"But Erika," you ask, "why did you even include this section?"
Well, I'll tell you.
It hurts.
It hurts to love him, because there's always a gnawing feeling that he doesn't like me back. One day, at BoB practice, I went over to him and asked if he wanted to practice the authors with me.
My friend Brianna was sitting next to him, and she had cards out as well.
Another conversation:
"No."
"But all three of us could—"
"Nooooo."
My heart was silently shattering as I walked away, showing no expression that would let them see that I was hurt. Lying is fun, dont'cha think? Been doing it for 2 years and 7 months.
Jeez, I feel like Sayori now.
Here's another story:
It was recess, and me and Anthony were practicing cards (Brianna is not in my class.) My friend Anya was reading off the titles and we said the authors. I had been acting quieter and more reclusive that day, as well. For whatever reason that day, it hurt when I breathed. Anthony noticed me wince when I inhaled, and then this conversation started.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good. It just hurts when I breathe."
"Oh... Is that something that needs to get checked out?"
"No."
"Do you have asthma?"
"Nope. It happens alot, I'm used to it."
But then he turns to me and says:
"What is really wrong?"
I wanted to say "There's always something wrong with me." But instead, I said "Nothing, I'm okay."
The only reason I never said anything is because I didn't want them to see that side of me. I don't want to just be a bigger burden to them.
Again, lying is g r e a t.
So if you didn't get that point: It really fucking hurts. Because whenever I'm with him, there's one thought that keeps raining through my mind.
"He doesn't love you, and he never will."
I always know my crushes will never love me back, because I don't think anyone would ever love me. I'm too weird, probably.

~Section Two: Wattpad Drama~
I have one friend who says she may either leave Wattpad or take a really long break. I really don't want her to leave.
I haven't known them as long as some people have, but I feel like she is pretty high on my WP friends list. Also I love our roleplays cause there's lot's of drama :P
On a more serious note, I would be really sad if they left. I would be sad if any of my wonderful Wattpad friend's left, really.

~Section Three: My Friend's Mom~
Yes, we finally get to the part about my friend's mom. You all remember Maddie, the one who got mad about slime? Well you're correct cause we're talking about her mother.
I feel bad for her, in all honesty. She gets yelled at by her daughter basically every day, when she's just trying to do what's best for her. And plus, they're having money problems, too...
She's very nice, as well. And generous. I don't know why Maddie can't see that. There are other children with lives worse than hers! She should be lucky she has her step-dad and her mother to take care of her. Some people aren't so lucky...
Sorry, I just feel really strong on the subject. Anyway, again, her mother is very generous. She's given me a stuffed bear which I showed you in my randomness book, and a book which I really like.

~Section Four: Mom~
So, you all know about my current...Parent situation... that happened. I blame myself for it. Why, you ask? Simple.
On the night of June 19th, the day... she died... I was watching The Book of Life in bed, trying to fall asleep. You all know that movie, correct? Anyway, Daddo suddenly came in, crying. Bad things must've happened if he was crying. I asked what was wrong, as I was instinctively starting to tear up. And then he tells me.
"Lisa's dead..."
I wasn't the same after that.
Once I got older and got more mature, I then realized:
It was my fault.
Me watching the movie could've triggered her death. That sounds crazy, I know, but it's just how my mind works. That movie is basically about life & death!
Honestly... I should've appreciated her more. I should've done more to help her. 8 years went by too fast. Time is much too precious, and I fucking wasted it. I can barely remember her voice, for Chuck's sake! I remember how she used to play Frank Sinatra at night, and there used to be a painting of him in our dining room. He was Mom's favorite singer. She also really liked Phantom of the Opera...
I'm just so disappointed in myself. I don't feel worthy enough to be her daughter anymore... because I am the worst one, after all...

~Section Five: Dad~
The only reason I don't tell him anything is because I don't want him to worry. That's why I never tell anyone anything, really. The only irl person whom I can really trust is my friend Rylee, because she knows how it feels to be depressed.
Off-topic. Anyway- I think daddo suspects that I'm depressed. I would be surprised if he hadn't been woken by the sobs that come from my room at night. Well, it kinda makes sense, since our rooms are on different sides of the house.
I want him to know, but at the same time I don't.
I want everyone to know, so I can be comforted. I want to be comforted. But I have to keep it in to survive. I'm just lucky I haven't done anything stupid...

~Section Six: My Art~
Now, y'all have probably seen my art and thought 'Wow, that's good!' Something along those lines. But the only reason I'm good at it is because I copy off of pictures. My drawing is horrible if I do it from scratch, but I think you all know that by now. I feel like if I were to ever tell someone that my art is good because I copy off things, they'd probably call me a fake artist.
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*deep exhale*
Finally, it's over
I'm glad I could finally get that out...
Thank you all for listening, I apprieciate your existence, and huge shoutout to my frendos, who've been there for me every step of the way.
You all are the best.
I'm going to go try and get some sleep now, goodnight.