You would think I would at least shead a tear. Maybe even feel a head rush clog in the back of my head. Like something would have hit me. Or possibly even feel the least bit of remorse. But no, I dont. In fact I feel like I should have seen it coming. It does not bother me at all that this would be the last time I would step into this damned casino, Agua Caliente. Years of living here you would think I would feel connected in some way. Maybe I've always just been on the outside. In a way it's a relief. Something new, something better. What could go wrong with a little more money, a few new faces, a new home. Am I able to call it that? Who knows how long it will be before I have to pack up and leave another time to find a better life. Who is to say that this time it will bring light back to me?

I could never tell if this place fit me or not. At moments I felt like I belonged here, but then I'd walk back to the cold empty stalls for a nights rest and remind myself, do I really fit this? In God's mind I do not of course, but there is a slight chance I do. I have never been cought, or even suspected as a fraud. To everyone I'm Adam Timpson. The young lad who tells tales to amuse others, the jockey who won't waist his money at the Agua Caliente casino on girls or gambling, and more importantly the jockey who can barely ever win a race.

I moved here in 1933, two years ago when I was nineteen. I was in a rough spot then, worse then I am now. At the age of fifteen my mother sent me away to find work. My father had just passed away from heart failure, and with the great depression beginning my mother, three siblings, and I were left broke on the side of the road. No money, no home, and a hole in all of our hearts that could not be replaced. My mother took us to her sister, who also affected by the depression however had a small two bedroom house. My mother, Annabeth, was shy to the idea of me going out to find work, but my aunt and I knew it was for the best. My mother was a proper woman. She grew up in a large home and as an only child she was spoiled. She had piano lessons every Monday morning, and went to church to pray every wednesday and sunday. She had maids to serve her every need, and dresses that were made for a princess. However as stuck up as you think she would be, she had a kind heart. She was very strick non the less, but she was not mean or cruel. She met my father during her schooling. He saw her smile behind her frown. My father was wild, always doing something spontaneous. That always drove my mother insane. Now looking back on it I see how disappointed my mother would be in me. I never go to church, never even finished school, and I dress as a man to earn money. I drink rum, sleep in a horse stall, and swear like a drunken crippled up no good old sailor.

So mother let me go, she told me to write her as often as I could. She gripped me tight with tears streaming down her face that landed onto my back. It was as if she knew that would be the last time I would see her. She had lost her husband and now she was losing her eldest. I did not understand why she was crying so hard, I couldn't grasp what was going on. To me I would be home in the matter of days with money in my pockets and a glimmer in my eyes. But to her she knew the truth, she knew what was going on in the world, she knew that we would lose touch, and that the world would swallow me up and take away my innocence. She was right all along, I just couldent see it. And so I went, not knowing just how bad everything was. I stumbled along Mary William who as it seems took me in with open arms. She was in her mid seventies, and had an edge to her that never seemed to comfort me. She wore powder far to light for her skin and blush that made me think of her as a clown. Her hair lost all color and she always wore it in a bun that hung loosely by her shoulders. She was an old widow who lost her husband to a disease unknown to the docters. She had no children, no siblings, no one to call her family but herself.

She hired me to garden her plants, but honestly I never did much of that. She only had a couple of flowers, that to this day I can't even remember what they were. The rest of the plants had died way before she hired me. I came to the conclusion that she didn't need a gardener but more of someone to talk to. On most hot weekday afternoons we would sit on the old patio drinking watered down ice tea. She liked to tell me stories of everyone and everything. As time passed on I would eventually hear these stories over and over. She would tell me stories she had already told me, not realizing she had told me them once before.

On the weekends she would take me to a small horse ranch where she boreded a old twenty-six year old horse. I didn't have the slightest idea as to why she kept the horse, maybe it reminded her of when she was young. The horse was an awful sight to look at. It was scrawny, and it's back bones stuck straight up. The color of the horse was even unsettling. It was a light grey that once was black. Her self of course could not get on the horse, Jasper, but she insisted that I'd ride the horse around the small dried up pasture.

I'd had never been near a horse much less riden one, so to say the least it was nervewracking when ever I hoisted myself onto the saddle. However after a few months, I had gotten into a rhythm and found it quite soothing. On occasions I would find myself out feeding Jasper grain despite how much I hated the old horse.

I can recall the first time I'd gotten onto the saddle. The saddle was worn down by the many years of it being sat on, and the leather was hard and gritty. I could feel the limp in Jasper steps. He would paw at the ground in frustration when I directed him towards somewhere he didn't want to go. Not only that he would back up avoiding doing what I intend him to do.

Despite his difficulties I'm sure it wasn't all his fault. I had no idea what I was suppose to do. I gripped onto the reins tightly, and kept my legs stiff afraid of falling off. But like I said as time passed I grew to enjoy the rides. I never understood how she was able to afford to keep that horse. I never asked her eaither, I figured it would be rude to ask. But I do remember asking her why she kept the horse. She turned to me smiled and said " Jane dear, somethings in life can't be explained. But what I can tell you is you've got to hold onto what makes you happy. Don't let nothn' take away your happiness." I just nodded and continued on with my business.

It wasn't too long however until I had to change location. Her flowers didn't need gardening and she didn't have enough money to keep paying me. She gave me a few dollars for a train ride and some food. I didn't know where to head. I was left stranded and alone.

As I stood at the train station debating on where to go I met a young girl in a situation much like myself. She was the same age as me, but unlike me she was very hopeful. I was beginning to realize what was happening to the world. The girl was pretty, she had a innocence look to her. Innocence was something that was rare and washed out around here.

I never got her name. She told me she was going to Canada. She said she met a man that was going to put her in the movies. She said he told her he would make her a star. The girl said she gave him six dollars to help get her career started until she reached Canada. The more she told me of this man the more I understood that she had been scammed.  

I probably should have told her this man stole her money, but I didn't want to be the one to break her dreams. I didn't want to be the one to take away her innocence. I doubt she would have listen to me anyways. She had her heart set on being in the movies.

I went with her because I had no where else to go, but I had no intention on being a "star" with her. When we reached Canada we waved each other off, knowing very well we wouldn't see each other again.

"If I'm ever in the movies-" She said smiling, her blonde hair blowing in the wind.

"I'll be the first in line." I said feeling guilty knowing she wouldn't make it.

That was the last time I ever saw that hopeful girl. Sometimes when I'm thinking about that day I like to think she did make it to the movies. It makes me happy just thinking that maybe she became a rich actress, and became a star.

With the girl gone I was officially alone. The train station happened to be not too far away from a fair ground. It was in the middle of March and a windy day. As I walked around the fair I saw how deserted it was. The only ride around was a set of rusty bumper cars. Small children ran around playing tag in rugged worn out clothing.

At first I was confused as to where everyone was at, but then I heard cheering and the sound of feet pounding on the ground. My eyes landed on the crowd of people not far from where I stood. The air was clouded with dust. It was a old horse track. It was small and the dirt was sandy, a true broke down track. I pushed my way through the crowed trying to see the current race unfold.
The horses were slow and unskilled. It didn't say much for the men who rode them, they were equally unskilled. Men was an understatement these were boys. They couldn't have been any older then I was, and they were incredibly small. Eyeing my scenery my eyes landed on a fat stern looking man. He stood out of the crowed. He was really a sight to see.

That was my first time ever laying eyes on Arthur Lewis. He was a local horse and jockey trainer. He was a gruff, dirty man. He was in the races for money and the only thing he cared for was winning. However winning didn't cross his path often. And to cope with his many losses he would drink, it was nearly impossible to ever see him with out some sort of drink in his hand.

Since the track was broke down many of the races were held on random occasions. Usually on the weekends where people could blow their money hopeing to change their luck. The whole thing interested me. It made my heart jump in my chest just looking at everything. It held a sort of excitement that I was new to. It held something I wanted to take advantage of. I decided to stay and every time a race was held I was sure to be there. I started to learn the rules and tricks to this game. I found a cheap room being rented out that I took and stayed in for a while, and with any extra cash I had I would spend at the races. Some how it became a part of me whether I liked it or not. Most people would look passed me and not spend much attention to my presence.

When I got low on money I went out to go look for a job. I approached one of the stable handlers looking for a job cleaning out the horse stalls. I will never forget what he said to me. He looked me up and down and smirked looking at me with disgust. "Doll, why don't you go put on some lipstick and find yourself a man. Don't need no one like you around here."

That sunk in deep. It hit me hard and I couldn't understand what he had mean. No one like me? I thought long and hard about what he said. I found myself in the bathroom of my room thinking of what happened earlier that day. I looked at my face in the mirror wondering what made me any different then him. I laced my fingers in my hair staring into my brown eyes. The eyes I had received from my mother.

I was a girl. The one thing that made me any different then that man at the horse stables. I did not even want the job that bad, but I wanted it because he said I couldn't have it. Without even thinking I rummaged through the medicine cabinet looking for a sharp object of some kind. I pulled out a straight razor and started to saw at my brown locks one by one, not slowing down to think about my actions. I let my hair fall to the ground carelessly and continued to axe away my shoulder length hair. Out of pure anger tears streamed down my cheek.

When I was done I threw the straight razor into the sink and glared at myself in the mirror. My hair was uneven and looked like a child cut my hair with a pair of dull scissors. I found some wrap in a first aid kit and started to wrap it around my breast. It squished my chest together making it hard to breath, but I knew if I was going to follow through with my plan I had to make sure every detail was right.

I found some dusty men's clothing in the closet and tried them on. They were too large on me but if I pulled the pants up almost to my bellybutton and tightened the belt all the way it would surface. I stepped once again into the bathroom, over cut strands of my hair that was once part of me. Looking at myself in the mirror I no longer saw me. I saw a young boy. I pulled over a flap hat to hide some of my girlish features and tucked the longer strands of my incredibly uneven hair underneath.

As I stood in the remains of someone I once was, I realized I was no longer Jane. The in pack of what I had done crashed into me, but it wasn't bad. I could pull it off. It was odd but I felt a rush of excitement, and not a ounce of regret or dispare. I had to be someone else, I was someone else. I looked in the mirror and did not see my face, but I saw someone elses. I smiled at myself, not believing it was actually me.

Jane was gone, and now stood someone else in her place. "Hello, I am..." I began to say in the mirror, but stoped once I realized my name couldn't be Jane. At random I chose a male name.

"Adam." I said this over and over until when I said it I started to believe it. And it worked because the next day when I asked the same stable handler for a job he threw a pitch fork at me and told me to get to work. The man who looked at me yesterday with disgust in his eyes only gave me a quick glance and continued on with his business.

I smiled and went to work. I was only payed five dollars a week, but I didn't mind it considering all I needed was some food and money to keep up with rent. As days and months passed I grew comfortable in my disguise. I was still terrified that someone would take one look at me and know I'm a girl, but that never came and I grew confident with myself. One day after another I would clean out stalls keeping my head low trying to stay out of everyone's way. That was until I witnessed a fight between Arthur and his current jockey. I had just finished cleaning out all the stalls and was on my way out when I heard the two bickering.

"Did you hear what I said boy?!" He responded in a harsh tone. He continued "I told you to drop that weight by last night, and what do you do? Come to me five bloody pounds over weight!" I hid behind the wall listening to the conversation.

"I'm sorry Arthur, I tried to drop it-" I turned the corner to see it was just a young scrawny boy no older then twelve.

"Yeah well tried ain't gonna cut it. Get outta here, I don't want to see your damn face." Arthur compared to the boy was huge. The boy must have been terrified to be standing next to him.

"I can't race?" The boy asked.

"No! You dumb little prick, now get outta here before I beat you." The boy rushed passed me quickly, probably scared of what Arthur would do to him.

I swallowed the spit I was keeping in my mouth and grabbed onto the pitch fork I was using. I went to go down the hall to the closet to put it away when I was stopped by a rough voice.
"Hey, you son! Come here." I turned around to see Arthur looking right at me ushering me to come towards him. I set the pitch fork back down and walked towards him, keeping my head low.

"Yes sir?" I asked when I was a couple feet away from him. I could see all the dirt on his face and yellow on his teeth.

"Have you ever ridden a horse?" I looked up at him and nodded my head. I could smell the whiskey on his breath. "Well what do you say about riding one of my horses in the race today?"

I was at a lost for words."Well...I've never ridden a horse in the race's before." I didn't want to. I knew everything about the race's, probably more then some of the jockeys actually riding the horses. But that meant I knew of the dangers that came along with it.

"Come on now. You'll do just fine." Before I could get another word in he gripped onto my shoulder forcing me to go with him. He led me into a room where he handed me a dirty, washed out jockeys uniform with a thin helmet.

I had no chance to protest. Before I new it I stood outside face to face with horse I was about to be on top of. This horse was nothing like Jasper. It was huge and it looked like it could crush me. The gear around its face made me shake at my knees with the reality that surrounded me.

No one even knew my name. I've never ridden a horse like this before. All anyone else knew I was just a boy on top of a horse. Arthur had left me to take control of the horse and figure everything out on my own. No advice, no assistance, and no idea what I'm suppose to do. I gripped onto the saddle and pulled myself up. I watched as jockeys began to line up at the starting line. I fell in place next to them. The horses pranced around in place ready to go. I looked in the crowed at where I would usually be stsnding. Watching the race, not in the race. The day started off normal, and now I'm here.

The moment stoped. I looked at the young boys faces through their goggles and saw the worn out in their faces. They have seen more then grown men. And here I am with them.  I turned my attention back to the sandy track. Behind me I heard the snorts of horses and the stomping of their feet against the ground.

And then the sound of the gunfire.

Now looking back at it, it all seems like a distant memory. It was such a long time ago I can't quite tell what life was like before. I got second in that race. I think it was because most of the other jockeys had no clue what they were doing, I didn't eaither but I had more of an idea then they did. Still I look back on it and wonder how did I mange to do it my first time. Maybe it was luck. However if it was luck, I haven't had much of that since then. After the race Arthur finally asked for my name and said he wanted to make me his new jockey.

I raced on many other broke down tracks in Canada. The more I won the more I got to run on bigger and better tracks. I left the small town to race with that horse, Whistler, at Ontario on the tracks Fort Erie and Woodbine. I thought I had made it. Compared to the jockeys I had raced on the small tracks, I was a professional. But compared to the jockeys on these new tracks, I was nothing but a kid. A kid who had no idea what they were doing. At first I came in dead last, every time. Slowly I got better, at least not last anymore.

When Arthur had enough and needed a change, he packed everything up once again and took us some place new. But the last time, it was a place that practically screamed our names. Tijuana, Mexico. Tijuana was a place where anything could happen. At the Agua Caliente casino rich men and women would gamble their money, and drink until they couldn't stand. It was a place where girls were selling something you couldn't get in the United States. The champaign roared, and men and fancy cars ruled the town. On the street you could even catch yourself a boxing match. Despite that the thing that made everyone crawl to Tijuana was the track. The Agua Caliente Park held the best and most gambled on races. It wasn't a small track where the horses would just start at a line and go at the sound of gun fire. They had starting gates, bells, a huge stadium and the dirt track was perfect for running on.

Anyone that took part in the races meant business. The people in the stands bet money on the horses, the trainers relied on the jockey to get a good placement so they got payed, and the jockeys needed to win so they wouldn't get yelled at by the trainers. It was a endless cycle. I got use to it fast. I had to, it was the only way I would survive in a game like this. Tijuana became the closet to home then my actual home. I made friends, and learned how to ride better. I won a couple of stake races but nothing big that would get me anywhere. It was alright, not the best but not the worst. It was alright until it wasn't. In 1935 Mexico banned gambling.

That took a tole for Tijuana. The races didn't stop but they didn't hold the dazzlement it once had.

But it wasn't the end. It was just the start of my story.

×××

And that my lovelies is the Prologue! I'm so sorry I didn't update yesterday, I was having so many problems. But here it is. Not the best but I had to get this information in before the story actually began. It's pretty long, and my chapters will not be this long.

Thank you for reading!

Word count: 4128 words.