TW: Suicidal thoughts

     Narcissa goes up to Ursa's room after Ursa doesn't show up for lunch. She finds Ursa sitting on her window seat and staring out the window. "What do you want?" Ursa asks without turning around.

     "What is going on?" Narcissa asks. "Why are you doing this?"

     "Like you care." Ursa scoffs.

     "Cub I do care."

     "No. You don't. As long as I am friends with them you do not give a shit about me. Your love and care is conditional just like every other adult in this fucking family. I thought you were different. I thought you actually loved me."

     "Ursa please, I-"

     "Just leave me alone."

     "Cub I want to help you."

     "Get out of my room."

     "Ursa-"

     "OUT!" Narcissa is shocked at her tone but leaves.

     "She never loved you." The voice in Ursa's head says. "She sent you away because she hated you. She hates you. She's disgusted by you. You'd be better off somewhere else or dead." Ursa growls to herself and opens her window, since she got her handles back yesterday. She attempts to transform and does successfully before flying out the window. She enjoys the relaxing feeling of the wind in her feathers.

     That evening, Narcissa knocks on Ursa's door. "Ursa? It's almost dinner time. Are you going to come down?" There is no response. "Ursa?" Narcissa opens the door and sighs when she sees the open window. She draws her wand and waves it. Anything Ursa is hiding in her room comes out of their hiding places. "I knew she wasn't taking her hair pins with her." Narcissa says to herself when Ursa's hair pins come out from under her mattress. A bottle of butterbeer comes out from under Ursa's nightstand. Narcissa takes the butterbeer and replaces everything else. 

     When Ursa comes home hours later, she goes straight for the bottle. "Fuck!" She growls. She grabs something heavy off her nightstand and throws it at the nearest mirror.

     "Ursa's home." Narcissa says to Lucius when they hear the mirror shatter.

     "What's going on Cissa?" Lucius asks.

     "She's not doing well again. Draco found her drunk in the maze this morning." Lucius sighs sadly as Narcissa leaves the room. Narcissa goes into the kitchen and gets Ursa dinner before going upstairs. She knocks on Ursa's door before opening it. Ursa is sitting on the floor in the middle of strewn items, crying. "I have some dinner for you since you missed it." Ursa doesn't respond. "What is going on with you Ursa? I want to help you but I cannot help you if you do not talk to me." Ursa doesn't respond again. "Alright. Well I will leave this on your desk." Narcissa sets Ursa's dinner on her desk. "I love you." Ursa scoffs and Narcissa leaves.

     That night, Narcissa sneaks into Ursa's room after Ursa falls asleep. "I'm sorry Cub." Narcissa whispers as she points her wand at Ursa. "Legilimens." Narcissa's head is suddenly filled with everything Ursa has been saying to herself. The spell doesn't last long as Ursa wakes up and puts her walls up. Ursa sits up and looks at Narcissa in disbelief and betrayal.

     "Did you really just use Legimency on me while I was asleep?" Ursa asks angrily. "Are you fucking kidding me? Did it ever fucking occur to you I haven't told you anything for a reason!?"

     "Ursa please under-" Narcissa tries to explain.

     "Fuck you. Get out."

     "Please Ursa let me-" Ursa grabs her wand and hits Narcissa with a Knockback Jinx, forcing her out of the room. Ursa closes and locks her door with magic before using it to put her desk chair under the handle. She puts her wand back on her nightstand and curls into a ball before crying herself back to sleep.

     In the hallway, tears come to Narcissa's eyes as she replays everything she heard in her head. She stands and goes to the second floor of the library. She grabs a quill and parchment from a desk and writes everything down. Tears stain the parchment as she writes.

     "She never loved you. She sent you away because she hated you. She hates you. She's disgusted by you. She doesn't want you, she never did. You're a disgrace. Father hates you too, he always has. They never wanted you. No one really likes you. Do any of the adults really love you or do they just tolerate you because they have to? Is she really like them, conditional love? They would kill you if they could. You're a disappointment. You're an embarrassment. They would be happier without you here. You're the black sheep. You know what happens to the black sheep. They're going to disown you. Kick you out. You'll never see them again. Why do you have to be so caring? Why can't you turn your heart off? Why haven't they kicked you out yet? They're going to and you know it. You shouldn't have come back. Do your friends really like you? You're a Malfoy, a Slytherin, a powerful Dark Witch, your brother is an ass to them and your father works for the man who wants to kill Harry. Why would they like you? Why would anyone like you? They're just faking our friendship. You'd be better off somewhere else. If only you had the guts to end it all. They would be better off without you. You could wipe their memories of you and disappear... or die."

     "No wonder she wants to quiet the voice in her head."

***

     Ursa stays barricaded in her room or out flying all day. When she finally comes home that night, she grabs her music book and keyboard. She finds the song she's been working on and starts playing and singing.

"Feels like I'm on the edge right now
I wish that you could say you're proud
I'm sorry that I let you down.
Le-le-let you down

All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I'm sorry that I let you down."

     She sits with her knees to her chest and cries. Unknown to Ursa, Narcissa has been sitting outside Ursa's door all evening, waiting for Ursa to come home. She cries to herself as she hears Ursa.

     The next day, Narcissa calls Draco into the library. "Can you go check on your sister?" She asks. "Ask if she has eaten. Please."

     "Yes Mother." Draco says and leaves. He comes back a few minutes later. "She says she's been eating when she's out."

     "Is she talking to you at all?"

     "No. She's shut me out. This is really bad. I'm really worried she's going to do something to herself."

     That evening, Lucius finds Narcissa crying on their bed, rereading the parchment. "What's wrong Cissa?" He asks.

     "She wants to die." Narcissa replies. 

     "Who?"

     "Ursa. And it's our fault."

     "I'm sure it's not."

     "It is. Bellatrix torturing her. You knowing and not stopping it. Me being angry at her and... and hitting her. Us calling her a disappointment and embarrassment."

     "You know about Bellatrix?"

     "She told me. And don't think I'm not furious with you. I'm just more focused on keeping Ursa alive right now. She doesn't feel welcome here. She-" Narcissa dissolves into tears and she holds the parchment out to Lucius. He sits next to her on the bed and gently takes it from her. Narcissa charmed the parchment earlier to hide the parts about Ursa's friends. Lucius rubs the bottom of his face with his hand.

     "She really does and it's our fault." Lucius sighs sadly. "What're we going to do?"

     "I don't know. But I do know you need to change something. She thinks you hate her. Why haven't you stopped Bellatrix?"

     "She's acting on the Dark Lord's orders. She threatened to kill me if I got in her way or told you. She's been told to do whatever necessary to get Ursa to join him, make it so he can use her power. Bella is trying to break her."

     "Have you tried talking to Ursa about joining?"

     "She won't listen to me Cissa."

     "Were you calm or angry? She doesn't listen when you're yelling. She just yells back."

     "I guess I was yelling." Lucius rubs the back of his head.

     "Sit with her. Calmly talk to her. Leave your wand in a different room."

     "She just... she knows how to get on my nerves."

     "I know, she knows how to get on mine too. She's more like Bella than either of like to admit. She gets a little bit of pleasure out of making us angry. She needs to know you do love her. Hopefully it will help that Ursa and I talked about why we sent her away."

      "Everyday I regret not pushing harder to come with you." Lucius wipes a tear from Narcissa face.

     "You need to stop letting people pressure you."

     "Do you blame me with Bellatrix?"

     "No. I fully believe she would kill you."

     "I'm just... I'm just scared something is going to happen, and Ursa is going to be on the wrong side of the fight and get herself hurt or... or worse."

     "She needs to know that, Lucius. She's not like Draco. She doesn't want to be like you or me. She's a lot more caring. A lot."

     "This is all so hard."

     "I know. We weren't expecting to ever get her back so we don't know how to parent her. I need to talk to Bellatrix about the torturing. Beatrice used magical punishments too."

      "She did? Ursa only told me she was trained a bit to resist torture."

      "Part of her training to be a Death Eater. That's why she leaves parties before the fireworks. The sound reminds her of the punishments. She said what you did last year wasn't even that bad." Lucius sighs.

     "I'll try talking to her tomorrow."

     "Thank you."

     "How did you get this list?" Narcissa sighs.

     "Legimency. She's really mad at me for it."

     "Narcissa!"

     "She wasn't telling me anything!"

     "That doesn't mean invading her privacy."

     "I know it was a bad idea. Draco was and still is worried she may do something to herself. I did what I had to. Even if it was stupid."

      In the morning after breakfast, Lucius knocks on Ursa's door. "Ursa?" He says. "Could I come in? I want to speak with you." Ursa scoffs.

     "You never want to just talk." Ursa replies.

     "I'm serious Ursa."

     "You know what? I'm interested in seeing where this goes." Ursa gets up and moves her chair back. She unlocks the door before opening it. She walks over to couch and sits on one side, her legs tucked under her. "You don't have your wand." Ursa says as Lucius walks in and closes the door.

     "Your mother has it. I am just here to talk." Lucius sits on the other side of the couch. "She told me that she told you the truth."

     "That you were too scared of your father to tell him to stop?"

     "He never did care for you Ursa. Unlike me, he never got over the fact that you were a girl. He hated you."

     "From what Mother didn't erase, I never liked him either."

      "At the time everything happened, your grandfather still lived here so the manor and Dobby still belonged to him. We could not risk him kicking us out or doing something worse to you. Maybe even kill you."

     "What would happen if he kicked you out?"

      "Well, we would have been cut off by him and probably have to live with your mother's parents or your aunt and uncle. We would have lost any power in the Ministry we had."

     "If you had power why didn't the Ministry let you break the ISS?"

     "When we wanted to bring you home, most of that sway of power was through my father and since he did not want you home, he would not help. Your mother's father's influence was not enough. We needed both. We were planning to try again the summer before fourth year, but you got yourself sent home. You were our miracle child Ursa. We had been trying to have a child since our wedding but your mother never made it to three months."

     "Her body couldn't handle it. I know."

     "We thought you were going to be our only child. We are not sure when your grandfather started hu- abusing you, but we assume it was after Draco was born and you were older. Definitely after Bellatrix was arrested. She would not let him anywhere near you."

     "Only need a boy to secure the bloodline."

     "Exactly. I had told your mother I would support her whether she decided to keep Draco or not. We had to unlearn a lot about what we were taught about marriage."

     "Because pureblood marriages are normally loveless but yours isn't."

     "Yes and it was very difficult with your grandfather around."

     "Why haven't you stopped Bellatrix?"

     "I told you this. She threatened to kill me. Even your mother believes she would follow through on that threat. And if Bella did not, the Dark Lord might for getting in his way." Lucius pauses. "I have been parenting you the same way I parent Draco. He listens the first time and wants to be like me. You do not. You are more independent, more caring. Your mother pointed out that I tend to yell at you when we speak and you do not listen to yelling. The reason I have been pushing you to join the Dark Lord or at least be loyal is... I want you to be protected. One of my biggest fears is that something is going to happen and you will be on the wrong side of the fight. I do not want you to get hurt or die. The Death Eaters would not care that we are family. All they would see is an enemy. I'm just trying to protect you and I realized and acknowledge I am going about it the wrong way. Your mother is going to talk to Bella about the torturing, but I will protect you if she tries again."

     "Why did you say you despised me?" Lucius sighs.

     "You and I, we lash out when we're angry or frustrated at someone. I was angry and frustrated that you were not willing to join us and I lashed out." Lucius scoots down and sits directly next to Ursa. "Look at me. Please." Ursa looks Lucius in the eyes. "I do love you Ursa. I always have. I'm just not the best at showing it." A tear falls down Ursa's face and Lucius wipes it away. "What's wrong?"

     "You don't... you don't know how long I have been waiting to hear you say that or how many times I wished you would." Lucius hugs Ursa and she breaks down into tears.

     "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." When Ursa calms, Lucius speaks again. "I want to fix our relationship."

     "So do I." Ursa says as she pulls back from the hug.

     "Then that is what we will do the rest of break, Easter break, and this summer."

     "Deal."

     "Do you want to go get ice cream after lunch?"

     "Sure."

     "You have to eat lunch... I do not care if you eat it upstairs because you are still angry with your mother."

      "Furious. Not angry."

      "I do not blame you. That was really invasive of her, but you do need to talk to her soon. She's really worried about you."

     "I also want to tell you the real reason I've been seen with Potter and his friends. They do not believe I care about blood status. Granger gave me a chance and I decided to take it. I was actually considering being their friend until the Dark Lord returned. Now... let's just say they trust me more than they should and I will use it to help the Dark Lord in the long run."

     "So they believe you are friends?"

     "Yes."

     "But you are just using them?"

     "Yes."

     "That... that is actually kind of brilliant. You promise it is just for the Dark Lord's gain?"

     a"I promise, but I do not want the Dark Lord to know about it just yet."