Disclaimer: I wrote this at like midnight and I have no idea why. No, it's not supposed to make sense. Have an interesting time.

Once upon a time, there lived in a grand palace a young Hobbit named Bilbo Baggins. He was the son of the Queen of the Shire, and she lovingly raised him with all the care a mother could give. However, by little Bilbo's 20th birthday, she could see that he would be the most beautiful Hobbit in the whole universe. She had a magic silver plate that gave her advice, and one day, she spoke to it.

"Plate, plate, on the table, give me advice if you are able!" The plate shone like glass and a voice said: "I see, my Queen, what is your demand. Is Bilbo the prettiest in all the land?" She nodded, and the plate thought for a while.

"My Queen, I fear this news is bad. Your son is prettier than his dad. As we both know, this now does mean--that Bilbo is prettier than the queen!" The queen had a mental breakdown and suddenly turned evil.

"I will catch that nasty hobbitsessssss!" she hissed. "And shave off all hissss hairsss!" She hired a wizard named Gandalf to catch Bilbo and shave off all his hair. Even his eyelashes. However, when Gandalf saw Bilbo, he knew that the Queen was psycho and turned into Gollum. Plus he was nice. So, he took Bilbo to a stream and told him to follow it. Well, it took Bilbo 100 days to follow the river, but since Gandalf told him to, and he didn't seem creepy, he did it anyway. Finally, he reached a single solitary peak in the middle of a random burnt place with no trees.

"Oh, great," said Bilbo. "He was a creeper after all." However, he was going to faint, and surely the evil Queen couldn't find him in a mountain. He climbed the mountain and went in the gates, which were broken. He looked around. There were piles and piles of everything everywhere-gold, plates, silverware, armor, more gold, and other various items.

"Hello?" he called.

"HEEEELOOOO!" rumbled a large voice. Bilbo was extremely intimidated so he hid under the piles of money. Except for it failed because he landed on a dragon.

"Hello, small thing," the Dragon said cheerfully. Bilbo fainted.

He woke up a few hours later. It was dark, and he was warm. He was in a rather uncomfortable bed, though, and as he turned, landed on a spike which impaled him. Bul luckily he was wearing armor. "Help," he said weakly. A huge golden eye blinked down at him.

"What can I do for you?"

"W-who are you?" stuttered Bilbo, still terrified.

"Oh, I'm Smaugly. Smaug for short. I used to be chiefest and greatest of calamities but it got so tedious, do you know? So I retired. I am now the housekeeper of Thorin Oakenshield. Plus I still get to sleep in all this gold."

"You're a housekeeper?" Bilbo said, sitting up. "That's really...unique!" The Dragon looked modestly down at his huge claws. Bilbo kind of felt like fainting again.

"I'm really hungry, Smaug. Do they have food?"

"Maybe," he replied. "I'll check." The dragon sauntered off, dusturbing huge piles of gold as he went. Bilbo got up and tried to find an exit. Sketchy Queen or not, he's rather face her than the Dragon.

"Not leaving already, are you?" inquired a voice from behind him. Oh. Great.

"N-no, of c-course not, why would you t-think...?" Bilbo squeaked. Smaug carried a huge plate of what looked like fried chicken.

"What is that?" Bilbo asked. "Fried duck," the Dragon said. "I fried it myself! Sorry about the plate, Thorin breaks the dishes. Had to use one of mine." Bilbo shrugged, thanked him, and began to eat.

An eighth of a dragon-plate of fried duck later, Bilbo was nestled in an uncomfortable rock bed covered in animal skins. "Thorin might kill you if you sleep in his bed!" Smaug warned him, so Bilbo trundled out and crashed on a smaller one.

Morning broke. It broke because the door burst open and in stomped 13 Dvarves. "What the gold nuggets!!" exclaimed one Dwarf. "Who was here?" whispered another. "MY BLANKETS ARE MOVED!" roared a Dwarf, the leader. Smaug snaked over and whispered something to Thorin. "WHAT?? Smaug, I thought I told you to stop letting in random hobos!" Smaug sighed and went away. Bilbo awoke to find 13 dwarves staring at him. "H-hello..?" he said nervously. "What are ye doin here, laddie?" asked a dwarf with a flappy hat. Bilbo, seeing no choice, sat up, and told them the whole story.

As the Dwarves had taken it upon him to protect him from the evil Queen, Bilbo was told the rules of the house. He could help Smaug, maybe even cook! Bilbo loved to cook. But he must never leave the mountain, because the Queen could be looking for him. So, his day began.

Meanwhie, the evil Queen was consulting her plate.

"Plate, plate, on the table. Give me advice if you are able," she scowled.

"I see, my Queen, but don't despair. Gandalf didn't cut off his hair."

"WHAT???" screamed the Queen. "WE ASKED HIM TO CUT IT'S HAIRSSS! WE HATES IT FOREVER!"

The plate was getting concerned. "But, my Queen, there is a way. For all of his hair to vanish today!"

"Do you speak the truth, O Plate of Mine?"

"I would never tell a lie. So, do you want Bilbo's hair to die?"

"YESSSSS!" hissed the Queen, biting into a fish.

The plate began to help her hatch an evil plan.

Meanwhile, Bilbo was making a big pot of stew. He asked Smaug to borrow a pot, and it was the size of a bathtub. Smaug informed him that it was actually his tea cup. After tasting the broth, he knew it needed something....What could he need? He thought about it, but was distracted. "Someone's at the door!" Smaug yelled. "Who?" Bilbo answered. "Looks like a solicitor," answered the Dragon. "Should I tell them to leave?" "No, I can answer," Bilbo said, hurrying to the gates. A very wrinkled old lady stood there, grinning. "Uh...Hello, can I help you?" Bilbo asked. "No...I was just selling some spices," the lady squawked. Oh. Spices. He could use some. "Sure, how much?" Bilbo asked, picking up some gold from the floor. "For a fellow chef, free!" she cackled, noticing his apron. "Oh. Thanks!" he said. He went inside with his gift.

Smaug looked at him curiously. "What's that?" he asked.

"Chili powder," Bilbo repiled absent-mindedly. "For the stew."

The dwarves were excited when they came from the mines and smelled the stew. "Our new housekeeper has made dinner!" Thorin crowed happily. Bilbo tasted it, just to make sure. Suddenly, all his hair turned bright blue!

Everyone was staring at him.

"Your hair is blue," Gloin pointed out.

"AH NO MY HAIR!" Bilbo wailed. "It must have been the queen!"

"But you stayed in all day!" Ori said. "Right?"

"Well, he bought some kind of spices from some old lady," Smaug supplemented, from his positiion among the gold.

"YOU'RE DUMB!" Yelled Thorin.

"Uncle!" reprimanded Kili.

Bilbo hung his head in shame.

"No more buying goods from strangers!" Balin said wisely.

He nodded.

The next day, the evil queen found out about her failure. She was so mad she smashed her plate. But it glued itself back together because it was magical. She dressed up as a cosmetics retailer and went back to the Dwarve's mountain. "Anyone home???" she asked sunnily, peering through the gates. "Sorry, no solicitors," said a dejected voice from inside. "What's wrong," she cooed. Bilbo decided to tell her. After all, he wasn't going to go out or anything. "My hair is blue," he sniffed. "Oh, darling, I have just the thing!" the disguised Queen said, pulling out a bottle. "I'll just leave it here, okay? Bye now!" And she went away, smirking to herself.

Bilbo decided to try it. He wasn't going to eat it, everything would be fine.

"Hair AMAZE!" read the bottle. "Having issues with your mane? Never change it's color again!"

Bilbo shrugged and applied the product.

The Dwarves came home, and there was only silence. Smaug had gone shopping, and Bilbo was nowhere to be seen. It was Nori who found him. Bilbo was lying on the ground, apparently dead. He was still and cold. "They did not say you would be a fantastic housekeeper!" Thorin cried. "I am sorry for doubting you!" The Dwarves were going to bury him in a rock tomb, but suddenly, there was a knock at the gates. It was Gandalf, who fancied a talk with the dwarves. He walked in and saw the desolation, and he cried so hard that Bilbo had died, that his staff fell out of his hands and smacked Bilbo in the face. Bilbo suddenly awoke, and all the Dwarves threw a big party. Smaug, who had just arrived, brought some cakes, and he lit some bonfires. They partied all night and all day. The Queen heard about this and she was so mad she snashed her plate on her face and it put her in a coma. Then she fell into the fish freezer and froze. Bilbo, Smaug, and the Thirteen Dwarves lived happily ever after to the end of their days.

~The End~

What do I say about this? Um. Okay. Nothing then. Hope you enjoyed!