1110

"Alia, you're back," Ronnie said, nothing but surprise to be found within her voice. "It's only been a day, right?"

"Just a day," I confirmed. I didn't feel the need to say anything more. If I started talking, then I had a feeling that I'd end up bursting into tears and completely falling apart. It was as simple as this - I didn't want to talk about it.

"Well, good to see you back in training," she replied, trying to put on a smile. But it was clear that the entire room was filled with tension, all because of me. My sadness was spreading out to everywhere and everyone.

"Yeah, yeah," I said, immediately trying to brush it away. There was too much attention on me, and I hated it. For once, I was the one who'd be lighting the fuse that led to the explosion. All of it came from me, and it would only continue if everyone continued staring.

"Shouldn't we all be working out?" I asked, trying to ignore just how weak my voice sounded. "We've got an Initiative to work on. Don't forget about that. All of us need to keep working."

And then there was absolute silence, all because of me, of course. I was thoroughly aware that I was the cause of all of this, and that only made it worse. Everyone stared at me for a few moments before gradually starting to go back to their own devices. But of course, the idle chatter disappeared from the air.

It was eerie, how everyone seemed to have been waiting for me to arrive. There was no reason for them to want to see me again. I certainly wasn't important to their training. Everything thus far had been solo work, and it wasn't necessary for me to be there as part of the team. I just didn't understand what everyone's deal was. What I did know was that it was only helping me to feel worse.

This was my fault. Knowing that something is your fault is one of the worst feelings in the world, especially when it's impossible to put blame on anyone else. The only person I could logically trace it back to would be Ianto, and I couldn't do that to myself or to him. I didn't need anything more distracting me.

After releasing a sigh, I decided to just get on with the training. I dragged myself across the floor until I found an open treadmill right next to Ronnie. She looked towards me, poised as if she wanted to speak to me, but I turned my face away from her. I didn't want to speak to anyone.

Just as I started to set up the treadmill, however, I ended up getting an interruption. Alex, who always watched over us, must've noticed how I started acting now that I was back at the base. He knew a decent amount about what was going on, after all.

"Alia, come here," Alex said.

"What?" I asked, immediately being caught off my guard.

"Just come here," he said, this time his voice much stiffer and demanding. At this point, a feeling of dread ended up filling my gut. I thought he must be furious, utterly upset with me for slacking so much because of my brother. He was going to be angry because I was wasting so much of his time. I was absolutely sure of it.

That's what made it all the stranger when he ended up taking my hands in his. My breath immediately escaped me from the sheer shock of it all. It took a good amount of thought and effort in order to get myself breathing once again. But as soon as I did, my mind seemed to escape me in the same sort of way.

"Alia Parr," he said. "You need to listen to me right now, please."

"I don't know, I should probably get back-"

"No, right now you need to listen to me," Alex replied, gently squeezing my hands. "Just stay here and listen to me."

I started looking around to see if anyone else noticed what was going on between Alex and I. Already I found myself getting distracted - I didn't know what people might be thinking about this. Of course this had to be in front of everyone. Just my luck.

"I don't care what happened with Ianto - well, I do care, but that's beside the point. Right now, it's affecting you-"

"I know," I apologized, finding the blur of tears starting to change my vision. "I know, and I'm sorry. I'll step up my training. I'll work it all out, and I won't worry about Ianto too much. I won't let it distract me from the training, because I know that's the most important thing that I have on my plate right now. I'm so, so sorry-"

"Alia, listen. Yes, I want you to do well in training. I want you to give it your all. But I know that you might not be capable of that in your current situation. I don't want you to worry about it, if you can't."

"But..."

"Don't but right now. It's going to work out, okay? I've been able to see how much you care about your brother. I wish that I could care about someone that much...as an only child, I don't understand. But I still try to sympathize."

"Thank you," I said softly.

"In other words, you just go ahead and take as much time to yourself as you feel like you might possibly need. Don't worry about any of it. I can get it all sorted out. That's my job here, really."

"So I can just...go?" I asked, pushing out my words in a very slow manner. "I can just head back to my room and forget about training for the day?"

"I think you deserve at least that much, Alia," he said, smiling back at me. For a few moments, we did nothing but stand there. With a start, however, I realized that our hands were still intertwined. I puffed out a few short laughs as I retracted my hands away. His bright smile continued to shine in the back of my mind as I made it back to my room.

For that day, I did nothing but sleep. When Ronnie came back, I'd already been asleep for hours. She didn't disturb me, and when I woke up the next morning I felt marginally better. At least, I felt better enough in order to begin training again.

Even though Alex had been so kind about letting me take time off ever since I came back, I couldn't help but feel that I absolutely had to keep training. I didn't want to be anyone's burden - no one wanted a teenage girl who kept on crying about how her younger brother was hooked up to the computer and no one could do anything about it.

Besides, this was a matter of international importance. World War III was right around the corner, and the efforts of the Intel Initiative seemed to be one of the few things that could potentially soften the conflict - in a way, of course. I didn't know anything about what the information that we were trying to revive was, but it didn't matter. Our goal had been made clear.

My brother and I would be vastly irrelevant by the time it was all through. If nothing else, that would turn out true. We were just two pawns sitting on the gameboard of the universe, waiting for someone or something to move us along.

But I wanted to move myself - I'd just have to keep going with my training and try to help the efforts of the Intel Initiative. I thoroughly planned to go through with that as well. It could certainly work out - I was sure I could. Somehow, I'd be able to get through with it. All of it. It would all work out.

The main problem was getting myself to understand that much, and absorb it.

That meant that I had to push myself - and oh, how I pushed. We were continuing to work on physical aspects of our mission, and that meant I forced myself to my very limits (and even a good bit beyond). If anyone tried to bring up a conversation, I simply ignored them. After all, I needed to make up for lost time.

Alex called me out several times, trying to get me to take it easy - but I promised him that I'd be fine. Of course, he didn't believe me due to the fact I was blotchy and sweat dripped down from my forehead, but I was persistent.

The only person who might've been more persistent about anything than I was had to be Ronnie. While she barely said a word to me about it, I found her constantly looking over and trying to say something to me. Just like everyone else, however, I chose to ignore it. I focused, and I continued pushing myself throughout the day.

Despite being surrounded by others, I don't think I'd ever spent a moment feeling more alone. And that day of training was composed of hours of that sickly feeling.

My first day of training now that I was back was complete, and somehow I'd made it all the way through. Maybe because the thought of Ianto had distracted me so much, I wouldn't feel all of the pain from the physical exercise. That was all that really made sense to me, whether it was the truth or not.

I nearly collapsed on the door to my room in order to push it open, feeling like my legs were made out of jelly. Part of it, certainly, was from training. The other part, however, was from a more emotional point. It was funny to think of all of the ways my emotions had ended up affecting me physically - and it was also very telling.

I didn't want to analyze myself - no, there were more than enough people trying to do that themselves. Certainly Alex wanted to know what went through my head, and chances were that Ronnie was going through the same thing. Then, of course, all of the others might've wanted to know what was up with me as well - they didn't have a clue about Ianto.

At the same time, though, I realized that they might've witnessed the conversation between Alex and I. Certainly something like that could not go unnoticed if they spotted it. Or maybe, just maybe, I was stressing myself out over something that wouldn't matter. I liked to think that was the case, even though part of me was convinced it was not.

I allowed myself to collapse on the bed, my legs and arms sprawled out wherever I could find room. For the first time in hours, I could just relax. No worrying about what others might think, no fear that I might be missing out on training. It was just me, a somewhat flat pillow, and the pure white ceiling. Nothing was being demanded of me, and that alone felt spectacular.

I closed my eyes and let out a slight sigh, placing a hand to my forehead. I wanted these few moments of peace to myself before Ronnie entered the room - even if she didn't talk to me, she'd still end up making noise and be a major distraction to me. The last thing I wanted or needed was to have a distraction.

But despite this, I refused to let myself start crying again. I was far from dry on tears, but I didn't want to let any of them out. There would be plenty of time for me to cry later. There was only so much crying I could possibly do before I just ended up being little more than a leaky pipe.

That wasn't me, that wasn't Alia Parr. I was still the girl who'd made into the Intel Initiative, and Ianto's condition couldn't change that. Nothing would end up changing that...unless, of course, I decided that I couldn't do it any longer. That wasn't an impossibility, after all.

But it just seemed so drastic to drop out of it completely, especially when it seemed that Ianto had dedicated his entire life and being into getting the Intel Initiative to work. I'd be going directly against his will by deciding to just stop it because of him.

If anything, I wished more than ever that I could just have some way to communicate with him. It didn't have to be speech. In fact, if we could just message again, that would be more than enough. All I wanted to know was what went through Ianto's mind, what was going on. If he was in pain. If it was worth it. If he knew how to get himself out. If he were even capable of functioning.

The heat of tears pushed against the back of my eyes, but I swallowed the lump in my throat back. No. No, no, no. If I ended up crying every time Ianto's name was mentioned, then I'd never manage to make it through another day of my life without letting out a pitiful sob. He wasn't dead, at the very least. There was still hope, even though it didn't seem like it to most people.

Right at this vital time, the moment I'd been dreading for quite a while at this point popped up. Ronnie walked through the door, a hand on one of her hips. Her eyes immediately trailed over to me, seeing my pitiful state. Sure, I wasn't crying, but I was far from acting normally. Of course, she could pick up on this in an instant having known me for years.

"Oh, come on, Parr," she groaned, taking another step into the room before closing the door. "Are you really going to do this?"

"I'm not doing anything," I replied, and it was the truth. I literally was not doing anything except for lying there. And I didn't plan on doing anything any time soon. After how hard I'd pushed myself during training, I wasn't about to jump up and start prancing around.

"What I meant to say is, are you really just going to lay around and avoid talking to anyone?" she asked. As she stepped further into the room, I willed her to go to her bed and sleep. But instead, she just ended up coming closer to me. Our gazes stayed connected the entire time.

"Listen to me - I don't want to talk about it. None of it. It's not going to happen, Truitt, so don't even try," I said, trying to wave her away. All I really wanted to do was to be able to close my eyes and just simply block her out. At the same time, however, I couldn't help but stare and try to figure out what she'd end up doing next.

"Psi, really," Ronnie sighed, crossing her arms. "You're sure you don't want to talk about it to anyone?"

"How many times do I have to tell you?" I replied, trying to prevent myself from screeching out. "I don't want to talk about it. I don't want your pity."

At first, Ronnie became absolutely silent (something completely unprecedented for her). Then she raised her gaze directly towards me, allowing me to see that glint in her eyes, and said, "But you want Alex's pity, then? I see how it is."

"What?" I asked, shocked that she would say such a thing.

"You know, a lot of the other people feel like you're drawing out your emotions so that you can get more attention and slack from Alex," she continued.

"Thanks a lot, Ronnie," I said, trying to avoid gritting my teeth. "I'm so glad you want to support me here."

"I never said that I thought that," she countered, her voice steady. "I'm just letting you know. I'm trying to look out for you."

"I don't need your help."

"I get it. You don't want people to feel bad for you because of your brother. But you know what? I don't want to see Parr crumbling into herself because she's trying to carry the weight of her brother on her shoulders on top of everything else when she could get someone to help her with the load. Easily."

"So, you're offering to help me out, then?" I asked. "Is that what you're trying to say? Aren't you directly going against what I've said?"

"Yeah, I am. I feel sorry for you. I pity you right now. And nothing you say is going to stop that from happening. If you don't want that, too bad. That's what you're getting right now, Psi."

"Shut up, Tau," I replied, but on the inside she was starting to chip away at me.

"You should take a day off tomorrow," Ronnie said. "Just one day. I know it sounds insane, but you've already got Alex on your side for it. Since talking to me obviously isn't helping anything, maybe sitting around by yourself will."

"I'm not going to do that, I-"

I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath, feeling as if a steady stream of fire might end up falling out with it. But then I started to understand what Ronnie was doing. Even though every time I glanced over to her she looked just as angry as I did, it was really little more than an act. She was purposely trying to get me angry, trying to get me to understand.

"You're doing this on purpose!" I cried, deciding to confront her full on.

"Little bit," she said, shrugging slightly. "And it looks like it worked, too. You see how upset this makes you? You just love to build it up until you can't find any way out of your misery. You need a little pity right now, Psi. Just take it from me."

A/N Hello, world. It feels like it's been ages since I posted a chapter of this particular story, but I know that's not the truth. As strange as it may seem, I'm actually terribly close to finishing the writingfor this book. It's incredible, really - but there's still plenty left of this story to be posted on here. Oh, yes.