They materialized on a green cobblestone pathway surrounded by a bunch of small buildings made out of crude brick work.

A turtle wearing a white powdered wig and a button up jacket with a lot of frills on it pointed at them in astonishment and screamed "Warlocks!"

"What are you speaking of, Demetrius?" asked a pig who was also wearing a fancy jacket with a poofy shirt under it. He also had a white powdered wig on his head.

"They just materialized out of thin air. I saw them. And look at their brightly colored vestments. They must be warlocks!" the turtle shouted.

"Well, then we must burn them at the stake," the pig said as he pointed a small revolver at them. The turtle pulled out a musket and also pointed it at them.

"Uh, Max?" Zeke asked. "What the hell's going on?"

"I think we might have gone a bit too far back into the past," Max said. "Like to some rather unenlightened times when they liked to execute witches and wizards. On the plus side we probably won't run into any past versions of ourselves here."

"That's true, but I think these guys are going to try to kill us."

"Well, we just need to dazzle them with some of our future 'magic' and make them afraid of us. Shouldn't be too hard. I should have a lighter in one of these pockets." He began rummaging around but before he was able to find anything a big shaggy ox in a plain brown robe leaped out of nowhere and tackled them both to the ground.

"I got them, boss," the ox said as he pinned them down beneath his weight.

"Excellent work, Wenceslas!" the turtle who was known as Demetrius said. "Now keep them there while Ezekiel and I rile up the townspeople so we might have a right proper public execution." The turtle and the pig took off in separate directions down the road shouting at the tops of their voices.

"Hey buddy," Max said once he wiggled his face out from under the ox's armpit. "What's it going to take to get you to let us go? I don't have much in the way of floss on hand, but I know where I can get you a lot. This broad Sarah is like a walking bank. And she owes me."

"What's floss?" the ox asked.

"Ah," Max said. "I can see by the fact that you only have three teeth and they're in such an abominable shape that floss probably hasn't been invented yet. What do you fine upstanding folks use as currency in these times?"

"What's currency?" the ox asked.

"You know. Money? Surely you primitive morons aren't still using the bartering system, are you?"

"I get a couple pieces of tin every month from the boss man from my services. I use them to buy oats. Mmm. Yummy oats. A rare and delectable treat, wouldn't you say? Boss man feeds me the rest of my time and lets me sleep in the dirty straw behind his house. It's a pretty good life. Can't think of anything else I'd need."

"Aw jeez," Max said. "This boss of yours is running a real scam on you, man. Why should he get to sleep in the toasty warm house while you have to sleep outside in the smelly straw? And what do you do when it rains?"

"I get wet, of course," the ox said.

"You have to get wet while your boss stays nice and dry? Does that seem fair?"

"Actually he gets wet, too. The roof is full of holes. Everybody gets wet when it rains. That's just the way it goes, you know?"

"The past is a real shithole, isn't it?" Max said.

"It's not so bad," the ox said. "Although my straw is infested with fleas and they bite something fierce. But what are you going to do?"

"That's a good question," Zeke said. "What are we going to do? Those guys are going to be back any moment with an angry mob and they're going to burn us at the stake."

"Tell you what, buddy," Max said. "How would you like to not get bitten by fleas while you sleep? And not get wet when it rains?"

"You're crazy," the ox said. "That's impossible."

"It's not crazy at all. If you let me access my magic door I can send you into the future, which is totally awesome in every possible way and you can stop living like a sucker."

"Boss man says magic is the devil's work. I don't want to risk going to hell for all eternity. Nope, better keep you pinned down and let them burn you alive. It's better for everybody that way."

"It's not better for us," Zeke said. "But maybe we shouldn't send him into the future anyway. It might mess up the timeline and trap us here or collapse reality or something."

"Not if we send him into the far future," Max said. "Then it doesn't matter because that stuff hasn't happened yet and we can screw around with it any way we want. The only ones who might get affected are some future people and who cares because those stupid jerks haven't even gotten themselves born yet. Should have been born before the invention of the time machine if you want your timeline to be protected. That's what I always say."

"But we don't know what the far future's like," Zeke said. "Maybe it's worse than here."

"Once again, who cares? Also not our problem. Honestly I hope it's some sort of post-apocalyptic hellscape with toxic sewer mutants everywhere feasting on brains. That would be awesome."

"But does this guy really deserve to get sent to a place like that? He doesn't seem like a bad guy. He's really just trying to appease his masters."

"Good point. We should send those guys into the distant future instead. Stupid fops with their fruity powdered wigs. Think they can point antique guns in my face? They deserve to get flung into the distant future. I hope the universe is imploding and the sun's burnt itself out. Serve them right."

"But what if these guys are, like, important to history or something?"

"These idiots? Please! I've never heard of any Demetrius or Ezekiel and I only slept through history class like half the time. I got the gist of it. These lameos are less than nothing in the historical sense. They may as well have never existed. Besides, if we send them into the future now it means we always did that. And isn't getting to travel to the future a way cooler fate than dying of whooping cough at age thirty in some boring backwater of a time like this? We'd be doing them a favor really."

"I guess that's true," Zeke said. "But even if these guys aren't historically important, maybe they have descendants who are around in our time. If we eliminate those people's ancestors we'd still be altering the timeline."

"They won't have any descendants if we do this because we always did it. And between you and me I think their genetic material could stand to be removed from the gene pool. Come on, let's blast them into the way distant future. It'll be fun."

"Well, we've definitely got to do something so they don't kill us," Zeke said. "And they don't exactly seem like the types who are going to listen to reason. I'm okay with your plan, but there's still the tiny matter of this ox sitting on us who's preventing you from accessing the time travel door."

"Let me deal with that. Hey buddy. What did you say your name was again?"

"Wenceslas," the ox said. "By the way I heard every word you just said but I didn't understand most of it. Is that warlock speech? Were you guys talking in tongues?"

"Sure, pal. So anyway, Wencelas, old friend. How would you like it if we got rid of your boss? Then you could move into the house and, well, still get wet when it rains, but I'm sure there's some sort of upgrade there. Less fleas?"

"But who's going to feed me if the boss man isn't around? And give me pieces of tin so I can get my tasty oats?"

"You could eat all of his food and have all of his tin. Then you could get all the oats you could ever want. Doesn't that sound just fabulous?"

"I don't know. Boss man's a pretty good boss. He only whips me every few days. Not like my friend Nathaniel. His boss man beats him every day."

"Has it ever occurred to you that you're a big strong ox? Why aren't you the one whipping him?"

"Oh no, sir, I couldn't do that. Boss man says the Good Lord Almighty decreed that this is the way things should be and if I ever raise my hands to him I'll suffer the righteous anger and retribution of the big man himself. Plus I'll burn in hell for all eternity. Nope. Can't risk that."

"Oh, for crying out loud," Max muttered. "These guys are a bunch of dicks. They definitely deserve what's coming from them. And Wenceslas? I've been needing to take a major leak for like a half hour now. Those drinks are just going right through me. You know what else is the devil's work? Forcing a man to piss himself. You wouldn't want to burn in hell for all eternity, would you?"

"Nope. Wouldn't want to risk that. I suppose I ought to let you fellows up to relieve yourselves." He got off of them and helped them stand up.

"Thanks. Are there, like, some facilities around here?" Zeke asked.

"Facilities?"

"Like an outhouse or something? A chamber pot? A really tall bush to duck behind?"

"Oh, you can just go here in the road. That's what everybody does."

"I was wondering why this place had such a fragrant smell," Max said. "Doesn't particularly seem like you guys bathe much either. The past is gross. But in the meantime, I've got access to the time travel door!" He pulled it out of his pocket and unfolded it.

"That's great," Zeke said as he relieved himself behind a small crumbly stone wall. "But don't you think it's going to be difficult to convince a bunch of superstitious puritans to walk through a magic door?"

"Don't worry, I've got a plan. Let's all go inside this small building over here." They walked into a tiny empty structure with a plain wooden door and a few holes in the wall that served as windows. "Now, we'll just park the time travel door right in front of the real door, turn the dial all the way to the right and then stand by the window so that angry mob can see we're in here. Then when they try to come through the door to get us, they'll walk through the time travel door thinking it's the real door."

"That's actually kind of brilliant," Zeke said.

"I didn't understand any of that," Wenceslas said.

"That's okay, just help us get their attention and then once they've gone through this door you can move into the house and have all the oats you want, big guy."

"I can do that," Wenceslas said. "I think I hear them coming back."

"Yes, I do believe I hear the distinctive mutterings of an angry mob," Max said. "Let's send these jerkwads on a trip they'll never forget. And also never return from."

They could see a crowd of about fifty villagers carrying torches and pitchforks out the window.

"Hey boss man!" Wenceslas called out. "They're in here! See? You can see them through the window!"

At that the crowd started throwing rocks at the window. A medium sized one sailed straight through and pelted Max in the face. "Ow! You're supposed to get them to come in here, not throw hard objects through the windows. Maybe you don't deserve to sleep inside a leaky, drafty house after all."

Another rock sailed inches away from Zeke's ear. "Um, they know we're in here now. Maybe we might want to step away from the windows."

"Good idea, Zeke," Max said as a small rock bounced off his forehead. "These things smart. But we've still got to get them to come in after us so they'll go through the time travel door."

"Why don't you just taunt them or something?" Zeke asked. "You're pretty good at that sort of thing."

"Yes, I suppose I am. What was that one loser's name? Demetrius? Yo, Demetrius! Where'd you get that stupid looking powdered wig? It looks like you cultivated it from the ballsack of an elderly cave troll. I've seen better hairstyles on a bunch of blind wooly mammoths with three day's worth of bedhead!"

"I don't understand what you mean by that, but you, sir, are out of line," Demetrius shouted back. "Come out here so I might slap you in the face with my glove and challenge you to a duel!"

"I'd love to whup your ass in a duel, but if you want to challenge me, I'm afraid you're going to have to come in here and do it."

"Very well, I shall," Demetrius said as he stormed through the time travel door and vanished into the unknown distant future.

"Hey, Ezekiel!" Max shouted out the window while carefully dodging incoming projectiles. "I just knocked out your lame-ass friend with one punch. But before he went down he said he was the tough one and you were the wimpy one."

"Why, that liar," Ezekiel said. "Just last week I bested him in a gentlemanly arm wrestling match. I'm afraid after he wakes up I'm going to have to give him the old whatfor. But first, I shall have to come in their and beat you to a pulp. Prepare yourself to engage in fisticuffs, sir."

"Oh, I'm prepared for fisticuffs with a weakling like you. Your friend Demetrius here said you couldn't punch your way out of a wet burlap sack."

"I shall wipe that smug smirk off your-" Ezekiel's sentence was cut off as he disappeared into the time travel door.

"Well, that took care of the two main guys," Zeke said. "But there's still an angry mob out there that's ready to tar and feather us if we set foot out of this building."

"Stick your head in front of the window and stick your tongue out at them," Max said.

"Are you crazy? I'm not going to risk getting my teeth knocked in. You do it."

"Well, don't be an idiot. Duck down before they throw stuff at you. I'll razz them from the other window. We just need to make them mad enough to make a mass charge at the door."

"All right," Zeke said as he opened his hands, shoved his thumbs in his ears, and stuck out his tongue at the window. He managed to duck just in time before a large piece of brick passed through the window.

"Hey you historical dorks!" Max shouted from the other window. "We just took out your leaders easily. They said you all were a bunch of scared little girls who were too afraid to back them up. Why don't you all just save yourselves a bunch of trouble and go home?"

"We ain't afraid of nothing!" a rodent of some sort carrying some sort of gardening tool shouted back. "Let's get them!" The crowd charged at the door and vanished into the unknown.

"Well, that takes care of that. Nobody's left who wants to kill us. Let's be on our way."

"Holy cow," Wenceslas said. "You guys really are warlocks. I'd better run over to the next village and get some help so we can tie you up and burn you at the stake."

"Wenceslas, buddy, did you not just see the magic we performed? Why would you want anything to do with that? Go home. You can seriously live in the house now. Just don't do anything stupid or we'll make you vanish like we did the rest of those yahoos."

"Uh, I guess it would be kind of nice to move into the house, now that you mention it. I think I'll just go home."

"Smart move," Max said. "Maybe there's hope for your descendents." He watched as Wenceslas scurried off down the road. "Now, I don't know about you, Zeke, but I think the past is a horrible place that nobody in their right mind should spend a second longer in than necessary. Let's go forward again. But not too far forwards. A small turn to the right ought to do the trick."

He flung open the door and they stepped through. They emerged on a dimly lit road at night and bumped right into themselves.