"Uh, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" Zeke asked.

"Very funny, Zeke. You pledged your eternal love to me. Now, at long last, we can be wed," the very large hairy purple creature said.

"Yeah, I really don't recall doing that. There must be some sort of mix-up here. If you don't mind I'll just show myself out the door."

"You don't remember the passionate kiss we shared at the Butter Moss Gardens when we pledged our eternal love to each other?"

"I recall doing something like that but that was with the-" Zeke stopped short and blinked his eyes a minute. "Wait a minute. How would you know about that? That was with the jungle princess. You're not the jungle princess."

"Not anymore. I am the jungle queen now. Queen Mai-La-Juna at your service. And now you can rule by my side as king of this three square mile patch of jungle."

"But you look completely different," Zeke said.

"I was only thirteen years old when last you saw me, Zekey-poo," the jungle queen said. "I had not yet undergone the change."

"Change? What change? And what do you mean you were only thirteen? I thought you were, like, at least twenty. We, like, totally made out. Ugh, I feel creepy now. And kind of dirty."

"Yes, I was still in my immature form when you saved my life from that horrible monster and showed me the true meaning of wild, unfettered passion. But then about a year after I returned to my village I underwent the change and reached maturity. Then I challenged my father to hand-to-hand combat for the right to rule. I defeated him and feasted on his brains. And now I am queen."

"I see. So you're not actually human. You're some weird species that looks human when you're young but then changes into, uh, that once you reach maturity."

"Indeed," said Queen Mai-La-Juna. "And yourself? I see you have yet to undergo the change."

"This is about as changed as I'm going to get other than older and grayer and wrinklier and saggier. There's a lot to look forward to, I tell you."

"Wait. Step forward into the light so I might look upon you better."

"Okay," Zeke said as he stepped forward into a circle that was well-illuminated by torchlight.

"Oh no," Queen Mai-La-Juna said. "This is terrible. I am deeply disturbed to see that you have indeed changed."

"I have?" Zeke said looking himself over as best he could without any sort of mirrors around. "I look pretty much the same as I remember."

"Not at all. You've really let yourself go, man. You are grossly fat."

"Now just a second here," Zeke said as he patted his tummy defensively. "I'll allow I may have put on a few pounds since the last time you saw me, but I'd hardly say I'm fat. Besides, you're the one who looks like you've tripled or quadrupled in weight." He stared again at her jiggly belly and multiple chins.

"I am considered a perfect specimen among my people. Songs of my beauty have been sung far and wide. You, on the other hand, are just plain disgusting. I'm afraid to say I am no longer attracted to you."

"I can't believe this. Are you body-shaming me? Because that's totally not cool."

"You are making a complete mockery of the memory of my true love with your horrible flabby physique. It's making me feel angry. I'm afraid you're going to need to leave my hut immediately or I may not be able to control myself from ripping your head off and using it as a chamber pot."

"All right, lady, I'm leaving. You don't have to ask me twice. Jeez, superficial much? So much for eternal love and all that jazz."

"You are the one who has let our love down," the queen said through hysterical sobs. "You have shattered my heart, Zeke. I hope that makes you happy. Or at least possibly makes you think about laying off the cupcakes."

"I'm proud of my very slightly overweight body just how it is, thank you very much," Zeke said. "And now that I see how shallow you are, don't worry, the wedding is most definitely off. Besides, I was already married to an entire alien race one time. It didn't work out so well. I'm not in a huge rush to get married again."

"Get out of my hut!" Queen Mai-La-Juna shrieked as she hurled some sort of clay bowl at Zeke's head. It narrowly missed by a few inches but Zeke got the message and hurried out of the hut.

The two creatures who had escorted him here were standing outside with their spears pointed at him.

"Sound like you anger Queen Mai-La-Juna real good," the first creature said.

"I surprised she no kill you. She probably not mind if we kill you though."

"Oh, that's not true," Zeke said. "In fact, that's what upset her so much. She said I was free to go on my way but the thought of you guys killing me made her very angry. She said she'd swear a terrible vengeance on you if you hurt me."

"That no sound like Queen Mai-La-Juna," the second creature said as it scratched its head.

"Feel free to go in there and ask her yourselves," Zeke said.

"Oh no, we not stupid. We no go in there. Especially when Queen Mai-La-Juna is in one of her moods. We better let little hairless man boy go."

"That's right," Zeke said. "Although, it just occurred to me. If that was the jungle princess, that means I'm lost somewhere in the middle of that stupid Black Jungle or whatever it's called that I got lost in before. I barely got out of here with my life the first time. In fact I had to single-handedly take on a bunch of walking talking flowers. That was a harrowing tale, let me tell you, but one of my all time best stories for sure. A true example of heroism, but I wouldn't want to run into those guys again. They were scary."

"Yes, little hairless man boy thinks flowers are scary," the creatures laughed.

"They were! Obviously, you've never had the misfortune of encountering them because that was some terrifying shit, let me tell you. But I conquered my fear and got the best of them. But anyway, that's beside the point. If I'm in the Black Jungle then that also means I'm somewhere near Quartzwater City and if I can get there I can meet up with Max or Bobby or someone and they can help me get home again. You guys wouldn't happen to know where that is from here, would you?"

One of the creatures spat on the ground. "We never go to Quartzwater City. Why we go there when we have all this here?"

Zeke looked around again. All he could see were a few huts surrounded by some trees and complete darkness. "You've got a point. There's certainly everything anyone could ever want out of life right here, but I've got friends who are probably worried about me in Quartzwater City and probably back on Earth as well. So, you see, I really need to get back there. Is there any way you guys could possibly help a fellow out?"

A loud scream came from inside Queen Mai-La-Juna's hut. "Do I still hear Zeke out there? I'm coming out in ten seconds and if he's still there I'm murdering everybody I see!"

"Okay, we help you out," the first creature said. "You see that little dirt path heading off that way?"

Zeke squinted his eyes. If he used a little imagination there was a small gap in the trees that could maybe be described as sort of a path.

"You follow that twenty, thirty miles, it take you right to Quartzwater City. Give or take fifteen miles.

"All right, thank you for your help. I owe you guys one. Catch you later."

"Aren't you forgetting something, little hairless man boy?"

"Uh, I don't think so," Zeke said. "Am I?"

"You promise to share Poison Rainbow Serpent jerky with me, remember?"

"I really don't think we have time for that," Zeke said. "You heard the queen. She's going to murder us all if she comes out of her hut and I'm still here. As much as I'd like to take you up on your offer I'd really better get going. Besides, I gave her the snake carcass as an offering when I went in there. Remember?"

"No worries, I capture another Poison Rainbow Serpent while I wait for you. I accompany you down trail for a little while. Once we clear of village I make jerky and we share it."

"Whatever you say, man," Zeke said. "Can we get the hell out of here now? I really don't want to get my head ripped off and used as a chamber pot."

"Okay, we go now. But you carry dead serpent." The creature dropped another heavy snake carcass into Zeke's arms and then prodded him in the back with its spear. They took off at a brisk pace down the barely visible path.