"Are you serious right now?" Max said as he flung the purple hood to the ground. "I had a lot of guesses who this purple chump was. I've got to say that Dr. Octavius was at the top of my list. That guy has always seemed a little sketch to me. And before anyone goes bringing up the fact that he's been in the same place as the purple guy at the same time, I just have to point out that the Doc has a known history of cloning himself, so it's totally possible. But now I come to find out that it's Vance that's been stealing these clues from us this whole time? We've been continuously bested at every turn by this clown? Damn. I feel great shame about this. It's a good thing there aren't any samurai swords around here right now because I might for reals have to commit seppuku."

Vance blinked his eyes a few times and then a grin spread slowly across his face. "I remember you. You're that annoying frog that likes to hover around causing trouble. And you're that total dork Zeke from back on Earth. Ha ha! How many times did I kick your loser ass back in the day? I ought to give you a wedgie for old time's sake."

"I'd really rather you didn't," Zeke said.

"Yeah, I guess there's no reason to get my hands dirty when I could just zap you."

"Uh, say about that," Zeke said. "What's the deal with the zapping thing? And the weird purple outfit? And the big vehicle?"

"It's pretty bitching, isn't it?" Vance said. "I found a bunch of these little elf-looking dudes who worked in a garage and I forced them to build that sweet ride for me. And I found the robes in a secondhand clothing store and thought they looked totally badass so I made the owner of the shop give them to me. The weird thing is the robes were blue when I got them and the vehicle was silver but somehow they both turned purple."

"I thought I noticed an overabundance of purple things lately," Max said thoughtfully. "I have reason to believe we're all existing in a book about me and at first I was ready to chalk it up to laziness on the part of the writer, but now I think maybe you're exerting some influence and turning things purple. And come to think of it, you were all wrapped up in that scheme a while back to drain all the green out of Quartzwater City. Is that your diabolical plan? To erase green and replace it with purple? Why is there so much purple stuff all of a sudden?"

A purple alligator who happened to be walking by while eating a grape popsicle stopped as everyone turned to stare at him. "What? Don't look at me. I was born purple. And I was hot and wanted a delicious cold treat and grape is my favorite flavor, all right?"

"Yeah, that guy's just coincidentally purple," Vance said as the alligator continued on his way. "I for sure didn't do nothing to him. I ain't got no plan to spread purple, but it seems to be happening anyway. Remember those weird jungle dudes that captured you and took you to see that princess chick? They were originally pink. But then I think I changed them into purple."

"Wait, how do you even know about the weird jungle guys?" Zeke asked. "You weren't even there. Were you?"

"No, I wasn't," Vance said. "I was admiring the righteous statue I made some artist wimp sculpt for me. Yeah, that's right I've got a statue of myself back at my pad and it looks just like me. Best piece of art ever. I don't know how I know about those jungle guys. I was just looking at your stupid nerd face and I knew about them all of a sudden. Just like if I think really hard I can tell when you idiots find a clue to the treasure and where you are. I don't know how I know stuff. I just do. And I don't know why I can zap people. I just can. And it's fucking kickass. Speaking of which, I'm sick of looking at your dumb ugly loser mug. Just the sight of you pisses me off, you fucking dweeb. So enough talking. I'm going to zap you into next week."

"You really don't need to do that," Zeke said.

"Oh, but I do. And I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it. In fact, let me set this ball down so I have both hands free to deliver you a maximum wallop."

Vance raised his hands in the air and spread his fingers apart. Electricity began to spark and crackle between them.

Zeke closed his eyes and tried to brace himself for an electrical shock, but instead a body slammed into him.

"I've got you now, you hooligan," Francis the playground monitor shouted as he attempted to put Zeke into a headlock. "I'll teach you not to disrespect the authority of the park services department!" He positioned himself right in between Zeke and Vance and managed to take the brunt of the electrical bolts Vance hurled at them.

Nonetheless, the force of the shock was enough to send Zeke flying backwards into the stick of one of the giant lollipop trees. Then Francis's unconscious body slammed into him and they both dropped to the ground.

"Ha ha!" Vance laughed. "That was funny as fuck. Where's that dumb frog? I wanna zap him next." He looked around for a moment but Max was nowhere to be seen. "Ah, fuck it. I ain't got time for this bullshit. I'm a busy man and I got shit to do." He grabbed the ball and shoved it into his robe before walking back up the ramp into his vehicle. A moment later it started up with a huge burst of steam and then took off at a high velocity.

Max poked his head out from the giant lollipop stick he was hiding behind. "Zeke! Are you all right?"

"I think so," Zeke groaned as he stood up. His hair was standing on end and his clothes were a tiny bit singed, but otherwise he was all in one piece. "Francis looks like he might need a doctor though."

"Screw that," Max said. "We'll pull him off into the trees so nobody robs him while he's out cold. He just needs to sleep it off and he'll be fine."

"If you say so," Zeke said as they dragged Francis off the main path. "But what are we going to do now? Vance took off with the clue."

"Yeah, about that," Max said. "Actually I've got the clue right here." He reached into his pocket and pulled out the golden ball.

"What? How did you get that?"

"It wasn't easy," Max said. "But I used my superior skills and intellect to acquire it. See, Vance may have gotten himself some weird powers that let him know things he shouldn't know and turn things purple and blow things up, but we all know at the end of the day he's a giant moron. When he set this ball down I simply swapped it with one of the other regular ones from the ballpit that had rolled over here. It was red, but it actually started to turn purple while it was near him. Not that it matters. The important thing is I've got the ball with the clue on it and it says: 

Whatever the heck that means."

"It's just written backwards," Zeke said. "It's not that hard to read. It says 'Mirror mirror on the mountain at noon reveals the secret fountain. Does that mean anything to you?"

"Let me think for a second," Max said. "You know Glass Mountain is just outside the northeastern city wall. It's called that because its surface is completely reflective."

"That definitely sounds like a good candidate for the mirror on the mountain," Zeke said. "But now it sounds like we've got to go there exactly at noon in order to find some fountain."

"And it's already past noon today, which means there's nothing we can do on this treasure hunt until tomorrow. So I propose we go hit a bar and get completely sloshed. Then we can crash at this cheap little motel I know about called the Airless Coffin."

"Oh man, isn't there somewhere else we could stay?" Zeke asked. "I've kind of got some bad history with that place."

"Yeah, but trust me. I've got bad history with a lot more places in town than you do. The Airless Coffin is kind of like one of my last options, legally speaking. Who knows, maybe we'll just stay up all night drinking. But first..." He turned and flung the golden ball off into the trees.

"What did you do that for?"

"Eventually Vance is going to realize I switched balls on him. I don't want to be in possession of that thing when he comes back for it. You memorized the clue, right? It's not like we need it. Now let's make ourselves scarce before Vance comes back and zaps the hell out of us or turns us purple or something."

"Or gives us wedgies," Zeke said.

"Yeah, or that," Max said. "This is like my last fully intact pair of underwear I've got on and the last thing I need is anything happening to it. Now come on. There's a couple of ice cold brews with our names on them waiting for us at some spectacularly shitty dive bar somewhere and it's up to us to find them and guzzle them as destiny has decreed shall be so."