A doorway opened in the middle of a small, dark space and Zeke and Max came tumbling out of it. Feeling himself falling, Zeke stuck his arms out to brace himself. They slipped down a hole and landed in some sort of warm, wet, and incredibly foul smelling sludge. It was too dark to see anything, and at first his arms seemed like they were stuck when he attempted to extract them. Finally they came free with a wet squishy sound. A thick, slimy substance covered his arms all the way up to his elbows and dripped down to the floor as he held them up, splattering his feet in the process. He almost wretched from the overpowering stench.

"Um, Max. This doesn't look like a strip club. Where the hell are we?"

"You're right, it doesn't look like a strib club. Unless they've really let this place go to hell in a handbasket. By the way, did you let one rip? It stinks in here."

"No, but my arms landed in something gross when we fell out of the door. If I didn't know better, I'd think we ended up in an outhouse or something."

"Oh." Max said quietly. "Uh, I might have made a small mistake. Oops."

"What do you mean oops?"

"My bad," Max said.

"What do you mean your bad?" Zeke asked.

"I forgot. I had Lothar make me another door. It leads straight to a port-a-potty. I've got it permanently latched from the inside so it's always unoccupied. Sometimes there's really long lines at the bars for the john and I don't feel that I should have to wait, seeing as how I'm an important detective and everything. Lives could be on the line, you know what I mean? So I have my own personal toilet I can use anytime. The bad part about having it permanently locked, though, is it never gets cleaned. Did you say you stuck your arms in the toilet? That's disgusting, man. Why would you do something like that?"

"It wasn't like I did it on purpose! How was I supposed to know we were going to land in a toilet? Is there a sink in this thing so I can wash off?"

"I mean, it's a port-a-potty. There's a little thing that spits out a trickle of water, but I don't think that's going to do the trick in your situation."

"What the hell, man? Can we go back to that oasis so I can wash off?"

"We could have in theory if we went back through the door we just came through. It should return us to the place we just left. But I've gotten in the habit of folding the door down and sticking it back in my pocket. I could take it back out and unfold it, but unless I get it in the exact right spot, I can't guarantee we'll go back to the oasis. We might end up at the bottom of a volcano or something. I still don't totally understand this whole door thing. But don't worry! I still have the door that goes to the strip club. I'm sure they'll have some sort of accommodations where you can clean up there. I mean, I would imagine strippers get gross substances splattered on them all the time."

"I hadn't ever really thought about that, but it's not really increasing my desire to visit strip clubs."

"You need to chill out, man. Everything's gross when you know how it works. Do you really want to know the ins and outs of the kitchens at every restaurant you eat at? Anyway, hang on a second. There used to be a light in here but it burnt out a while ago and since no maintenance guys can get in here it never got changed. I mean, sure, I could bring a replacement bulb sometime, but it's not something I remember to do, since I'm a busy man and I've got a lot of important stuff on my mind. But the point is, I've still got the door to the strip club in one of my pockets somewhere. I've just got to dig around and find it. Aha! Here it is! This should be the right door this time. I don't think I have any other doors, but I can't really be sure. After all, I do get drunk sometimes and ask Lothar to do stuff for me. It's fun having a science dork you can get to make stuff for you. Everyone should have one. Did I ever tell you about the super high-powered flamethrower I had him whip up for me? That thing's fucking awesome. Remind me to show it to you sometime. You could torch a fool from like three blocks away. Sweet."

"Max, do you have that door or what?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I boring you with my badass flamethrower? Excuse me. You've got a heck of a lot of chutzpah for a guy with poopy arms. But never mind me, I'm just the guy with the way to get us out of here. Now are we going to stand around in a port-a-potty all day like a couple of weirdos or are we going to do this?"

"You're also the guy who got us in here in the first place, but never mind. Also, I had a kind of unpleasant close encounter with a maniac wielding a flamethrower not so long ago, so I'm not really itching to see another one. But anyway, yeah.  Let's do it already."

"Okay, then," Max said. "You're welcome, by the way." A door shaped light appeared in the darkness. "After you."

*

Leeann took a deep breath as she prepared to step out onto that stage for the first time. Wait, she thought. It's not Leeann anymore. My name is Fantasia now.

She had grown up poor and never thought her life would amount to much. But then she had discovered in grade school that she had an aptitude for math. More than just an aptitude really. It had turned out, as her teachers fast-tracked her through increasingly advanced subjects, that she was arguably a genius when it came to mathematics. Nobody in her family had ever gone to university before. Heck, none of them had even graduated from high school, but she had graduated with honors at the top of her class. It didn't seem real when she had been offered the full ride to QCU. She wasn't sure at first if she should accept. Higher learning never seemed like something in the realm of possibility for someone like her. For someone with her background. For someone from where she came from.

The opportunity to improve her life was too good to pass up, so she ultimately accepted the scholarship. It covered her tuition, room and board, but still there were expenses. Her family needed her support, especially since her mother had fallen ill and couldn't take care of her ten younger brothers and sisters. They were in desperate need of some floss and since her pa had taken off with a traveling carnival when she was eight, it fell on her to provide. And so she had decided to moonlight as a stripper to bring in some much needed extra floss.

Tonight was her first night and she was excited, but also really nervous. It wasn't that she didn't think she was attractive enough. It was more that she wasn't entirely comfortable being the center of attention. Besides, the boys at school had always seemed interested enough, until they got scared off by her intelligence, which was really no big deal at all since she had met her girlfriend at the incoming student orientation and there wasn't a dumb boy in existence who could compare to Isabell. Speaking of which, Isabell had been entirely supportive of her decision to try exotic dancing and was waiting for her out there in the audience. The thought of that gave her courage and she steeled herself for her grand entrance.

She could hear the music thumping from the other side of the curtain. She tried to peek out and see if she could spot Isabell, but the lights were so bright they were almost blinding. Still, the knowledge that she was out there was all she needed. Her big moment was almost upon her and she was ready to face it. And the floss she was about to make was going to make a huge difference for her family.

The girl that had been onstage before her came through the curtain and then she heard the muffled sound of the DJ announcing to the crowd "And now let's welcome to the stage on her very first night! It gives me great pleasure to introduce the beautiful, the mysterious, the exotic, the one and only FANTASIA!!!!!"

She took one last deep breath and started to move towards the curtain when a doorway suddenly materialized in the air right above her.

*

Zeke tumbled out of the door, which appeared to be suspended about six feet in the air. Gravity took hold instantly and he fell on some skimpily dressed girl who had the misfortune of standing right beneath him. He knocked her to the ground as he landed on top of her and couldn't help but smear filth all over her with his sludge covered arms.

A moment later Max landed deftly on his feet right behind them. He reached up and grabbed the door, folded it up, and shoved it in his pocket.

"Get the hell off me, you creep!" Fantasia shouted as she kneed Zeke right in the balls.

"I'm terribly sorry," Zeke wheezed as he rolled off of her and clutched at his groin. "This is a horrible accident! I swear! It isn't what it looks like!"

"It looks like you're pawing all over this poor girl," Max said. "Pervert."

"No, no! I'm not! I swear!"

"I'm sorry, ma'am," Max said with a bow. "Is this deviant bothering you? I'd be happy to offer my assistance in getting rid of him."

"What? Who are you? I don't know you either, frog. Get away from me. Ew, what the hell did you get all over me, you freak? This is disgusting!"

"Yeah, see about that," Zeke said. "Right before we popped in here we found ourselves in a port-a-potty and, hear me out, totally by accident I may have dunked my arms into the toilet. Speaking of which, you don't happen to know where there might be a restroom around here where I could, like, tidy up a little bit? And for reals, I didn't mean to fall on you or touch you inappropriately or smear raw sewage all over you. None of this was intentional at all. Can I pay you some floss or something for the inconvenience? I'm not trying to imply you're a hooker or something. I'm sure you're a fine upstanding citizen and you should totally feel free to wear whatever outfit you want without feeling slut shamed or anything like that. I'm just trying to compensate you in some small way for the trouble I caused, entirely by accident."

"I don't know, lady," Max shrugged. "This guy seems like a weirdo to me. He also seems to think he can just buy you off. Jerk. And, by the way, I'm a toad. Not a frog."

"What the hell are you doing, Max?" Zeke glared at him.

"I'm still a little miffed you didn't want to hear about my totally rad flamethrower," Max sniffed.

"Fine! Show it to me later when we have time!" He looked back at Fantasia. "I'm not trying to buy you off. I don't think you're for sale. I just caused you some harm and I'm trying to see if there's anything at all I could do to make things better.  Actually, I'm a little low on floss at the moment, but I'll totally give you some floss when I get some. If, you know, it'll help out in this situation. "

From the other side of the curtain they could hear the DJ talking. "It seems like Fantasia's a little shy. Let's hear some noise from the crowd and see if we can get her to come out here!"

"Oh no," Zeke said. "Are we in the strip club? Are you supposed to be going out on stage right now? You can't go out there looking like that!"

"I definitely am not getting paid enough floss to deal with this," Fantasia muttered. "Merle! Get back here! Two of the customers snuck backstage somehow!"

A large minotaur came bursting through a side door and grabbed Zeke and Max by the upper arms. "I don't know who you two punks think you are, but you just made a big mistake. Dude, what the fuck is on your arm?"

"Yeah, I was just explaining to the lady here about how I, through no fault of my own, managed to dunk my arms into a port-a-potty toilet. Funny story really."

"What the-?" the minotaur sputtered. "You nasty motherfucker! I'm going to break your face!"

"Not if I do it first," Fantasia said as she socked Zeke in the nose.

From somewhere behind the curtain the DJ was still talking. "I don't think Fantasia can hear you! Come on, people! Make some noise!"

The minotaur scowled at Zeke for a moment before he noticed Max. "Hey you! Frog boy! You look familiar. Didn't I eighty-six you from here for life? After I'm done fucking up your friend here, I'm going to bust up your kneecaps!"

"You obviously have me mistaken for someone else," Max said. "See, as you said yourself, you banned some frog for life, but I'm a toad so clearly you can't be talking about me."

"I don't care if you're a goddamn lizard, you've pissed me off, and now you've gone and bumped yourself up to number one on my list of people that need hurting." The minotaur stormed towards Max.

Fantasia wound up to punch Zeke again, but he managed to dodge out of the way. "Look, lady, I guess I probably deserved that, but there's no need for any more violence. I've learned my lesson! Also, I think you might have possibly broken my nose."

"Leeann?" a voice called out as a fox with long red hair came in through the side door. "The DJ is announcing you. Is everything okay? You're not getting cold feet are you?"

"Isabell!" Fantasia ran over and hugged her.

"You're a total mess, girl! What happened?"

"That creep over there attacked me!" She pointed right at Zeke.

"Oh he did, did he? You think it's fun to attack women, chump? Huh? I'll show you. This woman fights back!"

"So does that one," Zeke gulped and rubbed his nose as Isabell leaped in the air and connected on a roundhouse kick to his head. He flew backwards through the curtain and landed with a thump onstage.

The hooting and hollering from the crowd came to an abrupt stop along with the music. The silence in the room was deafening. Then the glass bottles started getting thrown on the stage. A storm of projectiles came raining down all around Zeke as he hastily crawled back towards the curtains. A loud cacophony of jeers and boos trailed him. He had almost made it when a bottle shattered on the back of his head, causing him to see stars for a moment. He shook it off and pulled himself backstage out of the line of fire.

Max had managed to climb up the curtains and was clinging to them just out of the reach of Merle the Minotaur who was leaping up and trying to grab his feet. Merle turned when he noticed Zeke crawling on the floor and decided there was an easier target to vent his rage on.

Zeke looked up in time to see a large foot coming down towards his head. He rolled out of the way just as the minotaur stomped the ground with a thunderous impact that sent heavy vibrations across the floor. He stumbled up to his feet and turned away from Merle only to find his way blocked by two very angry looking women who looked ready to dish out a world of pain on him. Looking around desperately, he spotted a hallway off to the left that led out of the room and made his break.

The hall was narrow and dimly lit. There were numerous closed doors on either side. He tried the handle on the first one he came across, but it was locked. Same with the second one. The third door swung open and he ducked inside, slamming it shut behind him and locking it.

"Well, well, well. What have we here?"

Zeke startled at the sound of the voice and turned around. He registered that he was in some sort of dressing room. There was a table covered in glitter with a large mirror that was surrounded by numerous multi-colored light bulbs against one wall, while the other wall held a rack from which hung a wide variety of sparkly outfits and feather boas. An oversized bright pink bean bag chair was situated against the back wall.

It was occupied by a creature who looked like some sort of a warthog and water buffalo hybrid. Long stringy black hair framed a bloated, puffy face that was covered in warts, acne, and numerous oozing and bubbling pustules. Her enormous floppy breasts were only barely contained by the skimpiest of tops. There were a few strands of floss stuffed into it, but the top looked like it was made of floss itself. Her bare belly was round and swollen and covered in hair, stretch marks, and cheap tattoos. With a sinking feeling, Zeke realized he recognized this woman.

"Long time no see, honey child. I knew you would be back for some Big Bertha. Ain't no man alive can be resisting none of this. Damn, sugar dumpling. You's be looking good enough to eat right up. Mmm mmm mmm. You's be smelling a little ripe, but Big Bertha can deal with that. Why don't you come on over here and take a seat on Big Bertha's lap?"

"As much as I'd really love that, would you look at the time? I've got somewhere really important to be right now."

"Don't you be playing hard to get with me now, cookie butter. Ain't nowhere more important than gettin' you some of Bertha's home cooking." She licked her lips as she beckoned him seductively with an index finger that sported an exceptionally long cracked yellow nail.

"Wouldn't you know it? I already ate," Zeke stammered. "Totally full. About to burst, you know what I mean?"

"Oh, that's okay, pudding pot pie. You's gonna be doing some eating. That's fo' sho'. But it ain't going to be the kind of eating you was just talking about, if you know what old Bertha means."

"I'm afraid I really don't," Zeke said. "Look, it's been really lovely talking to you again, but I've got this extremely important doctor's appointment and I really can't afford to miss it. I had to get on a waiting list just to see the guy. It's been like six months and if I don't see him right now, who knows how long it'll be until he has another opening?"

"Don't you be worrying your pretty little head about none of that, stud muffin. You don't need no medical doctor. Ain't nothing wrong with you that old Bertha can't be fixing right up with some of her sexual healing. Where you boo-boo at? Big Bertha going to kiss it for you and make it all better."

"Yeah, I'm sorry to say it's kind of in a private area, so you know..."

"Ooh, private area? Even better! Big Bertha likes her the sound of that. Damn, honey biscuit, you be over there talking all your sweet words that give Bertha the tingly feelings. Why don't you bring that hot little tush of yours over here and let Dr. Bertha give you a right proper medical examination."

Zeke had managed to unlock the door behind him and opened it a crack. He peeked out in the hall. For a second he thought the coast was clear, but then he spotted Merle the Minotaur blocking the entrance to the hallway. Unfortunately, that was also the only way out of the hall. He could see it dead ended in the other direction at a solid brick wall.

"Why you be looking out in that hall?" Big Bertha had pulled herself out of the bean bag chair and was walking towards him. "Ain't nothing out there that's more interesting than Big Bertha. Believe you me, pumpkin cookie. You's going to be needing all of your concentration to focus on old Bertha. I's about to rock your world so hard you going to be thinking you gone back to the stone age." She was close enough now he could smell her stale body odor along with her hot rancid garlic breath.

Zeke was weighing the pros and cons of staying in the room versus running back out into the hall when a doorway suddenly materialized in the air in front of him and Max popped his head out. "Oh, here you are. Took me a few tries, but the door finally took me to the right room. Come on let's get out of here."

"You don't have to tell me twice," Zeke said as he leaped through the door.

He materialized in a small dark room and felt his right foot sink into a hole and splatter in a puddle of muck.

"Damn it, Max! Are we back in the port-a-potty again?"

"Sorry, it's the only door I had on me that I knew led to a safe place."

"But now we're stuck in here again."

A large shadow loomed in the open doorway overhead. "Oh no, don't you be thinking you be getting away from Big Bertha that easily!" She dove into the confined space with them. Her sheer girth forced them up against the walls of the container.

"Now we're stuck in here with her!" Zeke moaned.

"Now do you see why I usually fold the door up and stick it in my pocket right away?" Max asked. "If you leave it there, people can follow you through."

"Well, why the hell didn't you put it away immediately this time?" Zeke asked.

"Jeez, step off my nuts, man. I forgot one time and you've got to give me grief about it."

"It be dark in here and Big Bertha can't see a thing. But she can sense she be in the presence of some fine ass man meat. Let me just feel around a bit and see what old Bertha can get her little hands on."

"Fuck!" Zeke shouted.

"That's the idea, sweet sugar molasses! Now where you at?"

"Don't worry," Max said. "I've got a plan to get us out of this. When I give you the word, shove this crazy lady as hard as you can. Are you ready?" He opened up the door that led back to the strip club. "All right, now!"

Zeke pushed with a strength that could only come from sheer desperation. Big Bertha disappeared through the door and Max immediately slammed it shut, folded it up and shoved it in his pocket. "There, she's gone."

"Yeah, but now how do we get out of here?" Zeke asked. "If we go back to the strip club she'll be there waiting for us. Along with that minotaur thug and those two angry ladies who seem to really want to kick my ass."

"Oh, getting out of here's no problem," Max said. "The port-a-potty door is locked from the inside. We can always just unlock it and walk right out. Come on. It's located in a nice park. I even know where there's a hose nearby where we can get you cleaned up. I didn't want to say anything, since I know you're sensitive and everything, but you really stink."

"What the-?" Zeke sputtered. "We could have just walked out into a park this whole time? Are you joking? You know what? I changed my mind. I don't want to see your stupid flamethrower."

"Your loss, pal," Max said as he unlatched the door. "Let's get you to that hose."