Danielle headed right as the goat had instructed. She was on a dirty street filled with broken bottles, discarded cups, and crumbled up food wrappers. A sheep with matted fur and a raggedy blue Hawaiian shirt lay on the sidewalk. He held a sign that said "Will work for Apricot Pasta" but the loud snoring sound he was making and the trail of drool that connected his lower lip to the sidewalk didn't seem to indicate that he was ready to get to work anytime soon. Danielle tore off a small strip of floss and tucked it into his pocket before continuing on her way.

She passed a few rundown buildings that were more shacks than anything before she saw a squalid two-story yellow cement monstrosity that bore the sign "Heirless Coughing."

"Huh," she said aloud. "I didn't think that was how it was going to be spelled." She shrugged her shoulders and reached for the door handle. Suddenly the whole door morphed into a large circular tube and before she realized what was happening she was sucked into it.

She was sliding rapidly through a long twisting passageway that reminded her of those old crazy straws she liked to drink through when she was a kid. She had completely lost all sense of direction when she suddenly fell through a trapdoor that if she had to guess she would have thought was above her. Instead she fell down into a brightly lit room filled with shelves. A quick glance at the nearest shelf revealed it contained items that she couldn't even begin to imagine the purpose of. There was a pair of staplers that looked like they were meant to be worn as shoes, except for some reason they also had a clock ticking backwards implanted in them. There was also an object that appeared to be a clarinet combined with a basketball. Next to that was a skateboard with birdcages affixed to every available surface.

"What the heck is this place?" she asked.

There was a blur of motion in her peripheral vision accompanied by a thumping sound as if someone or something had dropped to the ground behind her. She turned around to see a dog with a long flowing mullet standing there with a big smile on his face. "I'm very glad you asked that question. This is Heisenberg's Uncertainty Shop! The interdimensionally famous store where nothing, and I mean nothing is certain."

"Your sign said this was the Heirless Coughing."

"It did? I don't even know what that sign means. I'll tell you, in a place where nothing is predictable, that sign is possibly the most uncertain thing of all. By the way, I feel different today. Do I look different to you?"

"I don't know. I don't think I've ever met you before."

"But are you certain about that?"

"Well, no," Danielle said. "I suppose it's possible we could have met somewhere and I just don't remember. I can't say you look familiar though."

"My point exactly! You can't be certain! You can never be certain of anything except for the fact that you can't be certain. The only certainty is uncertainty. Unless, of course it isn't. You can't actually be certain of that either. I'm Ernie Heisenberg, by the way. Owner and Proprietor of this establishment. Unless, of course, I'm not. Can't actually be certain of that either, I suppose. So you mentioned that I don't look familiar. Could you, perhaps, be so kind as to tell me what I do look like? I'd check a mirror, but I'm not actually sure where one is or if I even have one at the moment."

"Well, you have brown fur with spots. You're wearing a green and red Hawaiian shirt. I'd say you're maybe five-foot eleven. Your hairstyle is I believe what they call a mullet."

"Business in front, party in the back. Good to know that hasn't changed. Any other pertinent details?"

"You appear to be some sort of a dog. I'm not really certain about the breed. A mutt, maybe?"

"I'm sorry, did you just say I'm a dog?"

"Yes. At least I think so. Something of the canine persuasion at least."

"That's fascinating. I'm pretty sure I used to be a cat. But I'm not actually positive about that."

"So, uh, what is this place exactly?" Danielle asked.

"Didn't I already tell you that? I'm pretty sure I did. No, can't actually be certain about that either. What you think happened isn't necessarily what actually happened. In fact, most of the time, it isn't. You'd be amazed how bad people are at knowing what's actually happening at any given moment. Of course it's worse in here because you really can't be certain. Anyway this is Heisenberg's Uncertainty Shop."

"Yeah, you mentioned that. I think. But I still don't understand what this place is."

"I've been working here for almost 30 years and I don't understand it either. Unless, of course it hasn't been that long. Or maybe it's been longer. Can't really be certain about that. I mean, even if this weren't the Uncertainty Shop, what exactly is time anyway? Do you know how to define it with absolute certainty?"

"It's like the passage of one even to the next or something?"

"Are you sure? Could events not be passing? Could they be standing still and you're just running your eyes across them creating the illusion of motion? For that matter does one moment really follow another or do they change orders? Can you remember the exact sequence of every event in your life?"

"Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" Danielle asked.

Ernie blinked his eyes a few times in thought. "I don't know. You might want to ask a chicken that. Do you know any chickens?"

"Weirdly enough, I actually do. I was hanging out at a strip club with a group of chickens the other night. If I run into them again, I'll be sure to ask. But you still haven't told me what this place is."

"That's just it. I don't really know. It's a store. Or at least I think it is. I sell merchandise to people sometimes. Or at least I'm pretty sure that I do. The thing is nothing about this store is certain. Not its appearance, not its location, not the items in stock, not even me apparently. And perhaps not you."

"Why would anyone want to shop here? It doesn't sound very convenient. In fact, it kind of sounds like it's an inconvenience store."

"Perhaps it is. And yet here you are. That seems kind of convenient. Was there something you needed help with?"

"I was trying to find the Airless Coffin," Danielle said.

"Coffins. You know what, I think I saw one of those on the back shelf not half an hour ago. I remember because I checked to make sure it wasn't in use. I'm not in the business of selling corpses after all. Unless of course I am. At any rate I lifted up the lid and there was a vampire sleeping inside of it. I mean, obviously I can't be certain it was a vampire, but it was wearing a flowing black cape, had slicked-back hair, and sharp pointy teeth. Also it tried to bite my neck. It could have all been a misunderstanding, but I slammed the lid shut on it before any harm was done. I found what appeared to be a stake on one of the shelves a few minutes later, so I went back to check on the vampire. The coffin was still there although it had changed color from brown to blue. I opened the lid and it was empty, which was fortunate because the stake I was holding had somehow changed into a steak. Medium rare, by the looks of it. I hadn't had lunch yet, so I ate it and it was delicious. But now I think I might be hungry again. It's hard to say. But if the coffin's still there, I'd be happy to sell it to you at a reasonable price. I'll have to charge more if the vampire's back though. Vampires cost extra. I don't make the rules, that's just how it is. Unless, of course it isn't."

"Thanks, but I'm not actually interested in purchasing a coffin."

"Are you sure? We're all going to need coffins someday. Unless death isn't actually the certainty that some people believe it is, in which case a coffin would be a complete waste of floss. And based on my experiences nothing's certain. We all just might live forever. Isn't that something to smile about?"

"I'm planning on getting cremated when my time comes."

"If your time comes," Ernie interjected.

"Well, yeah," Danielle said. "Theoretically I could live forever, but it seems likely I won't. And no matter how much you lay out your wishes, you still can't be sure things are going to go as planned. I figure I can say what I want but it's going to be somebody else's responsibility as to what actually happens to my body. How do I know they're going to follow through with my instructions? For that matter, the way you die probably makes a difference. What if I explode and there aren't enough pieces of me to put into an incinerator? Or what if I get whacked by the mafia or something? They might toss me into a lake and there wouldn't be anything I can do about it. You're right, you really can't be certain."

"Now you're getting the spirit of this place," Ernie said.

"And maybe when we die we all become spirits. Heck, maybe we already did die and we are spirits just hanging around because we don't know where to go or what else to do." She paused and blinked her eyes. "I'm sorry, this conversation got kind of dark. Why are we talking about death? I don't want to think about that. I just want to get out of here."

"Yeah, about that," Ernie said. "I don't know where the exit is. It's usually around somewhere, but where exactly is the question. Also sometimes it's not here. That's the problem with the whole uncertainty thing. You're welcome to look for it though. And feel free to browse around the store while you search for the exit. If anything strikes your fancy, let me know and I'd be happy to ring it up for you. Unless, of course, I wouldn't."

"Actually, is this a map of Quartzwater City?" Danielle asked as she picked up a folded up piece of paper from a shelf.

"It says that it is," Ernie said as he studied it. "Can't be certain that's what it actually is, but it definitely could be."

"I'll take it. How much?"

"Give me a quarter of a strand of floss and we'll call it even. Unless we don't call it even. If you'd prefer we could call it odd."

"This whole thing's definitely odd," Danielle said. "But I'll give you a quarter strand. And I might be crazy but I think I see an escalator a couple ailes over that appears to be leading outside. I hope you don't mind if I take it."

"Be my guest! And have a nice day! Unless, of course, it's not a nice day, in which case don't have one."

*

While Danielle had been conversing with Ernie, the megalomaniacal dandelion that had hitched a ride on her pant leg spotted a miniature sized laser blaster on a nearby shelf, which looked like just the right size for the dandelion to operate. If it was going to succeed in its plans for world domination, it was going to need a weapon such as this. It leaped from Danielle to the shelf and grabbed the blaster whereupon it let out a tiny evil cackle. It had to stop short in its celebratory glee because it looked like the giant girl was about to wander away and it still needed her as a mode of transportation so it quickly leaped from the shelf and reattached itself to her pant leg. There could be no doubt, the dandelion was one step closer to fulfilling its destiny.