Max took a sip from his canteen as he peered through a pair of tiny binoculars. He had dumped the water out of it and replaced it with booze while Zeke wasn't looking. "Damn it, all I see is sand. And a bunch of losers digging around for treasure with no clue what they're actually looking for."

"Uh, do we know what we're actually looking for?" Zeke asked.

"We think it's an oasis, because of that slake your thirst part of the clue, but admittedly it's all a bit sketchy. Speaking of which, I thought you said you knew where an oasis was, Felipe. Your brochure said you were the best desert guide in the city, which I found suspect since you misspelled desert with two s's. I hope I don't come to regret taking a chance on you."

"That's because I'm actually the best dessert guide in the city," the tiny hairless dog they'd hired as their guide said. "You want to know where to find the tastiest ecclaire, I'm the man for the job. I'm only mediocre when it comes to knowledge of the desert. But yes, I'm pretty sure there's an oasis after the next two or three sand dunes. Maybe four or five. But we're close. I think."

"When you say you're mediocre, just how mediocre are we talking here?" Zeke asked.

"Well, I've been out in the desert a few times. There's a cactus that grows a pear that makes excellent tarts. But, yeah, mostly I stay in the city. Better desserts there, you know what I mean? I've never had a tasty banana cream pie in the middle of nowhere, but I suppose there's a first time for everything."

"But you have been to an oasis before?" Max asked.

"Uh, yeah," Felipe said as he crinkled up his brow. "Once, I think. A long time ago. You know maybe I'm just thinking of the Sugar Oasis. That was an amazing candy store that used to be around when I was a kid, but it burned down in a freak pop rocks related explosion. I really miss that place."

"Hey watch where you're shoveling that sand!" Max shouted at a lemur who was digging a large hole nearby. "I have sensitive eyes."

The lemur pulled up its goggles and stared at him with its giant eyes. "Screw you, pal. You think your eyes are sensitive? Try being a lemur. Buy some freaking eye protection."

"Oh yeah?" Max said. "When I find the treasure, and I will, I'll buy out an eye protection store just so you can't have any, you jerk." He turned back to Zeke and Felipe. "Jeez, the nerve of some people. Just out of curiosity are eye protection stores a real thing? If not, I'll open one up just so I can ban that guy."

"I'm getting thirsty," Zeke said. "You want to pass me that canteen?"

"Uh, this one?" Max asked.

"Yeah, come on. My throat's getting parched. Hand it over."

"Okay," Max said as he passed the canteen to Zeke.

Zeke took a big swig and then immediately spat it out. "What the hell? Is there alcohol in this thing?"

"Well, yeah, what were you expecting?"

"I don't know. Water? This is just going to make me thirstier."

"Water's gross," Max said. "Besides, you made me leave all my booze back on the rickshaw with Bobby. You said it would be too heavy to carry and it would be there waiting when we got back, but I couldn't count on that because we all know Bobby can't be trusted."

"All right, whatever. Don't we have another canteen?"

"Yeah, I dumped that out and replaced it with booze, too."

"You're telling me we wandered out into a gigantic desert without any water?"

"That seems to be the case," Max said. "Truth be told, my throat's getting a little dusty. We'd better find this oasis soon. Felipe, get on that, would you?"

"I'm pretty sure we've just got to climb over a couple more sand dunes. Or like maybe five more. Maybe six. But don't worry, I'm sure we'll find it. Now getting back out of here's a whole other matter. I don't know about you guys, but I'm feeling a bit turned around."

"Well this kind of seems like a disaster," Zeke said as he looked all around. All he could see was miles and miles of desert in every direction. "I can't even see the city anymore."

"Yeah, but I still see people out digging for the treasure," Max said. "They can't all be lost, right? We'll ask one of them for directions."

"Hey maybe one of them knows where the oasis is," Felipe said. "I'll go ask."

"Don't do that!" Max said. "You'll tip our hand about the oasis. It's the only advantage we've got. Most of these suckers didn't see the actual clue like I did. They just heard about the desert part."

"Yeah, but we're not even one hundred percent sure the next clue's hidden in an oasis," Zeke said. "You're just inferring that from an extremely vague little rhyme."

"Yeah, but what the hell else could it mean? Are you going to drink sand? Believe me, I've tried already and it doesn't go down so good. Nah, he was definitely referring to some sort of source of water. Besides, there's not much to distinguish one place from another out here. An oasis would definitely merit some kind of notice, if we knew where the heck it was. And really, why are you questioning my skill at solving clues? Have I not found all of the clues so far? I'm good at this sort of thing. It's definitely at the oasis. We just don't know where the oasis actually is. Come on, Felipe. I'm going to give you a bad customer review if you don't start making some progress here."

Zeke's lips felt dry and cracked. "I'm getting really thirsty for reals. Please tell me we're not going to die out here."

"We're not going to die out here. I'm sure one of these morons out looking for our treasure will share some of their water that they've no doubt brought along with them."

"Are they really morons if they, you know, actually prepared to go on a desert excursion?"

"Are you trying to say we didn't prepare? We brought canteens! We hired a guide! I even got some cheap sunscreen! What more do you want, Zeke? A map with an X that marks the spot?"

"Well, yeah, I would actually take one of those now that you mention it."

"Hey guys, I've got some good news," Felipe said. "You remember that cactus I was telling you about? The one with the really tasty pear? I think I see one over there."

"How the hell is that supposed to help us? We're not interested in making pastries right now. We need to find this goddamn oasis."

"The pears are full of juice. It should help with our thirst."

"Oh, well why the fuck didn't you say so earlier?" Max said. "I'll just go pluck us a few pears and we'll be all good to go."

"Yeah, there's just one thing," Felipe said.

"Shush, Felipe. I'm solving our thirst problem." Max galloped over toward the cactus. When he got within about ten feet of it, it suddenly shot a barrage of needles at him. He managed to duck just in time to avoid getting stuck like a pincushion. "Uh, what the hell was that?"

"Yeah, I tried to tell you, you can't just walk up to these cacti. You have to sing as you approach or they'll fire their needles at you."

"Sing?" Max asked.

"Yeah. And nothing too upbeat. It has to be gentle and soothing. Like a lullaby."

"Okay. So sing something at it."

"I would, but I was out late singing karaoke last night. I think I blew out my vocal chords. One of you guys is going to have to do it."

"I don't think I know any lullabies," Max said. "I mean, I've got a bunch of kids but I never sang to the little buggers. All I know are drinking songs and sea shanties. You think those would work?"

"Probably not. Those things tend to be pretty raucous."

"Yeah, they do. Zeke? You know any lullabies?"

"You mean like Rock-a-bye Baby?"

"I have no idea what that is, but sure."

"Um, I'll give it a try I guess. I'm not exactly the world's greatest singer. Plus my throat's really dry."

"Stop making excuses and start singing so we don't all die of thirst. Just keep in mind if you mess this up, that cactus is probably going to filet you with needles. I can't imagine that would feel too good."

"Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the needles are poisonous," Felipe said. "The pear is heavenly, but one prick of those needles and you die a slow, painful, agonizing death. I hear it's like being burned alive, only a lot slower and more painful."

"Well, this just sounds delightful," Zeke said as he started singing in a quavering voice. "Rock-a-bye baby in the tree-top."

"You're going to have to sing louder than that, mate," Felipe said. "Otherwise that thing's not going to hear you and you're definitely going to be looking like a porcupine."

Zeke cleared his throat and resumed singing at a much louder volume. "When the wind blows the cradle will rock."

"That's too loud, man! Do you want to spook the thing? That's a sure-fire recipe for disaster."

Zeke rubbed his sweaty palms on his hands and tried singing a little quieter as he inched his way closer to the cactus. "When the bough breaks the cradle will fall."

"Could you try to sing a bit more in tune? You're a little flat. I'm not sure that cactus is going to appreciate off-key singing."

Zeke turned his head back and shot Felipe a dirty look. "I'm trying here, man," he whispered. He was about a foot away from the cactus and he was pretty sure he could see the needles shaking a little bit. "And down will come baby cradle and all." He reached forward and grabbed three pears and then turned around and ran away.

"Jeez, that was a really dark song," Felipe said. "You think babies suffering catastrophic accidents is good subject matter to fall asleep to? And why are you putting a baby way up in a tree in the first place? You're a real sicko, you know that?"

"I didn't write the damn thing, it's just a song in my world. Besides, it worked, didn't it?"

"Would you two stop bickering and hand one of those pears over?" Max said. "I'm completely parched!"

"Hold on!" Felipe shouted. "You have to open the pears in the proper way, otherwise they're completely poisonous."

"For fuck's sake, seriously?" Max asked.

"Nah, I'm just kidding. You can just tear into that puppy. You should be fine. Unless, of course, it's a tainted pear. Then you're in for it."

"What do you mean by tainted?" Zeke asked.

"Well, some cacti get infested with sand weevils and they lay their eggs in the pears. Then if you ingest them the eggs will hatch in your stomach and the baby sand weevils will chew their way out of your abdomen, liquifying your insides in the process. It's a slow and messy way to go. And did I mention painful? It's super, super, off the charts painful."

"How do you know if it's a tainted pear?"

"You don't. You just have to wait and see if sand weevils chew their way out of your body. If they don't you're okay. Usually you know within a couple weeks, although I did hear of a case where it took two years before some guy got his guts ripped apart from the inside. Those were some extra-long gestating baby sand weevils."

"I'm so thirsty I don't particularly care if these things are possessed by the demon ghosts of a thousand angry goat rapists," Max said. "I'm drinking it." He broke open a pear and guzzled down the juice. "Ah, that's much better."

"How common is it for these pears to get tainted?" Zeke asked.

"Not that common really. Maybe sixty, seventy percent of the time?"

"Wait, that's, like, kind of a high percentage, don't you think?"

"Yeah, but the way I look at it is if they are tainted you've still got a couple weeks to live. If you don't drink anything you'll probably be dead in a few hours. Personally, I figure it's worth the risk, given the circumstances we find ourselves in." Felipe cracked open his pear and started drinking deeply.

"All right, well, I guess it's always better to die later than to die now," Zeke said with a shrug as he opened up his pear and drank. It tasted sweet and instantly quenched his thirst. He hoped he was just imagining the wriggling sensation he thought he felt in his throat as he drank. "I certainly hope I don't die a painfully horrible death because of this. Still, like you said, I suppose it was worth it."

"And now that we're all refreshed, let's carry on!" Max said.

They climbed a few feet to the top of the closest sand dune and were greeted by the sight of a pool of crystal clear, sparklingly clean and refreshing water.

"Oh hey look," Felipe said. "I found the oasis. Guess we didn't need to drink those quite possibly sand weevil infested pears after all. Oh well. Race you guys down the hill. Last one to the water's a rotten bowl of buffalo pudding."