"Zeke?" Max asked. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Long story," Zeke said. "It started when I was-"

"Never mind, I don't have time for long stories. I'm hot on the trail of a treasure hunt. We're talking some serious moolah here! You want to help me find it? I'll split it with you 90-10."

"Uh, perhaps we could iron out the specifics later. But yeah, sure. It's not like I've got anything better to do. So what's the deal?"

"This crazy rich old coot kicked the bucket and he left a bunch of clues to the location of his treasure. The most recent one makes it sound like the next clue's out in the desert somewhere so I was going to head over to the western edge of town and see if I can find a guide to help me."

"Treasure clues? I think I found one of those a while back. Is this what you're talking about?" He held out the rock he'd been carrying with him since he'd found it stuck to his shoe.

Max scanned it with his eyes and then did a double take. "Where did you find this? Speak up, man! There's no time to waste!"

"Let go of my shirt collars and I'll tell you," Zeke said.

"Oh, right. Sorry about that. Didn't even realize I'd done that."

"No problem. So anyway I was walking through the Black Jungle, as one does, when that rock got stuck to my shoe."

"Where in the Black Jungle?"

"See, that's the thing. I'm not really sure. I had been walking for quite some time and I just happened to notice it. Could have picked it up anywhere along the way, really. Plus, I was kind of following someone else through the jungle. I'm not sure if I could retrace my steps now. In fact, I'm pretty certain I couldn't. It's a really big jungle after all. Although I know I was walking along the Purple Worm River for awhile."

"A fat lot of help you are," Max said. "Still, it's a good lead. If we could skip several clues and go straight to the end we'd have a huge leg up on everyone else, even if there is a lot of ground to search."

"I did kind of show the clue to the guard at the city wall."

"What the hell did you do that for? You'd rather some random guard scored a huge fortune instead of your old buddy Max? What kind of friend are you?"

"I had to get myself into the city somehow," Zeke said. "Don't worry, I doubt that guy's found the treasure yet. Remember how we were just talking about how big the jungle is?"

"Yeah, but he's got a head start on us. Now we're really going to have to haul ass. Time is of the essence here. Did I mention there's some freaky purple guy who keeps showing up and stealing my clues? Yeah, we're going to have to outpace that guy, too. I'm not sure how he keeps doing it. It's like magic or something. Anyway Bobby is supposed to be picking me up here in a few minutes. I was going to have him take us to the desert, but now it looks like we're headed to the jungle. Not too thrilled about this. I hate that jungle."

"Tell me about it. I've been lost in that place twice now. I'm not really anxious to return."

"Yeah, but at least we don't have to go to the desert now. That place is hot as hell and it makes my skin dry out. My dad took us all there once when I was a kid and I spent the next six months picking sand out of all my cracks and crevices. Worst vacation ever."

"My family spent a week in Modesto one time," Zeke said.

"I have no idea what that is, but it sounds worse. Fine, you win. The important thing is, we no longer have to waste time searching endless miles of sand dunes. Instead we can waste time searching endless miles of overgrown vegetation. At least there will be a lot more bugs to snack on."

"Good thing about that. Speaking of which, do they sell insect repellent around here?"

"Why the hell would we want that? Insects are tasty and nutritious. If anything we should get some insect attractor. You want to be hungry out there or do you want to have a full belly?"

"Obviously I'd prefer a full belly, but maybe we could get some sandwiches or something first?"

"Horsefly sandwiches? I know a great place for that. It's even on the way. We can also pick up a twelve pack of brews and we'll be all set for our jungle expedition. Here comes Bobby now. All right, fortune, here we come!"

*

They spent a couple hours getting all the supplies they needed. Zeke actually managed to find some sandwiches at a local market that looked halfway edible. He even got Max to agree to taking a couple canteens of water in addition to the three cases of alcohol he had insisted on.

They reached the city gate only to find a familiar looking guard in the middle of giving a dressing down to a small little man with a long-flowing beard.

"Sorry, folks," the guard said as he paused in berating the little man. "I'm afraid I can't let you out of the city right now. I need to finish chewing out this jerk. Hey, wait. I recognize you. You're the guy who gave me the rock with the clue on it."

"Yep, that was me," Zeke said. "How did that work out for you?"

"Terribly! I went out into the jungle and I found this guy planting a bunch of rocks with the exact same message on them. Then I emptied his pockets and I found even more of them."

"No you didn't," the little man said.

"What do you mean I didn't?" the guard shouted. "I just said I did."

"Did what?" the little man asked.

"Went out in the jungle! Found you planting fake clues! Emptied your pockets and found more fake clues!"

"No you didn't."

"Yes I did!"

"Did not."

"Did too!"

"Not."

"Too!"

"Three," the little man said.

"Three? What the hell does that mean?"

"I thought we were counting. You said two so I said three."

"I never said two!"

"Yes you did. Just a minute ago. You fellows heard him, right?"

"I did not say two! Now stop changing the subject."

"Should I change the predicate instead?"

"What?" the guard sputtered. "What are you talking about now?"

"You said I shouldn't change the subject, so perhaps you wanted me to change the predicate. Didn't you study the parts of a sentence in school? Tsk tsk. It's a shame how education's gone into the crapper these days."

"Wait a minute," Max said. "Are you trying to say that the clue my friend found out in the jungle isn't real?"

"Looks real enough to me," the little man said. "See? It's right there in your hand. I can touch it. Is that not the definition of real?"

"I'm not talking about if the clue actually exists. I'm saying is it not a real clue?"

"So you're acknowledging it's real and asking if it's not real?" the little man said. "That sounds a little mental if you ask me."

"I mean is it phony? A fake? As in not genuine?"

"Maybe it's a genuine fake clue," the little man said. "Or a fake genuine clue. That reminds me of a story I heard one time about a con man. They said he was a real phony. But how could someone be a 'real' phony. Doesn't make a lot of sense, does it? Unless it does."

"What in fuck's name are you talking about, man?"

"Hey, I think I've encountered this guy before," Zeke said. "Or one of his buddies at any rate. Are you a confusion gnome?"

"I don't know," the little man said. "Are you a confusion gnome?"

"No, I'm definitely not," Zeke said. "But I'm pretty sure you are. These guys' whole schtick is to cause confusion."

"No it isn't," the gnome said. "Confusion gnomes love nothing more than clarity and conciseness."

"Then why are you called confusion gnomes?" the guard asked.

"To avoid confusing us with non-confusion gnomes, who are closely related to us, but different because they're actually into causing confusion despite being named non-confusion gnomes, which is a name they picked in order to cause confusion. Obviously."

"This is beside the point," Max said.

"So it's an angle?" the gnome said.

"Huh?"

"What's right beside the point of a triangle? The angle itself, yes? Unless you're talking about the outside of a triangle in which case I guess there's a bunch of empty space beside the point."

"When did we start talking about triangles?"

"Just now when you said it was beside the point. I assumed you were talking about what was next to the pointy part of a triangle, which would be the angle itself. Or, as I mentioned a minute ago. Empty space. I really couldn't be any more clear I don't think. Speaking of triangles, they're my favorite musical instrument. I've got one here in my pocket. Would you like to hear me play it?" The gnome pulled out a little metal triangle and began whacking on it arrhythmically.

"Cut that out!" Max said as he grabbed the triangle causing it to fall silent. "Just give me a straight answer. Did you make up that clue about the treasure? Or is it real and you just made copies of it? This is important, man."

"You'd like a straight answer? Like the sides of my triangle? Do you know if it's possible to have a triangle without straight lines? I mean, I suppose you could have a three-sided object where one of the sides was curved, but is it still a triangle? I mean I suppose strictly speaking it would be because there are still three angles in the thing and triangle literally means three angles. But when you think of triangles the first thing that pops into your head is definitely a geometric shape composed of three straight lines, all of which connect to three points, of which beside these points are the three angles that give triangles their names."

"Would you shut up about triangles and answer my question? I know this guy who's really into shapes. I'll introduce you later and you guys can talk about triangles until you're blue in the face, but for now I need to know if there's treasure in that jungle."

"Sure there's treasure. All kinds of treasure. The treasure of a scenic wonderland of trees and vines and living creatures. What is nature if not a giant treasure trove?"

"Yeah, yeah. I've seen that jungle. It ain't that pretty. And I'm not talking about scenic treasures or natural treasures or any other kind of treasures you can conjure up. I'm talking about one specific treasure. Did Old Man Billingsworth hide his treasure out there or not? Yes or no?"

"Correct," the gnome said.

"What do you mean correct? I said yes or no?"

"And that is the correct answer. He either did hide his treasure out there or he did not. There really are no other possibilities, if you think about it. So if you ask if he hid his treasure out there the correct answer is yes or no. Unless, of course, this is a Schrodinger's Cat type of situation in which case he both did and did not hide the treasure out there and both quantum states exist until you go out there and observe and collapse reality into one state or the other. You're following all of this, right? I really, really care about being clearly understood."

"This is a waste of time," Zeke said. "It's possible that what I found was a real clue and the treasure's out there in the jungle. There's no way to know for sure. But we do know for sure this guy was making copies of the clue and planting them out there. Maybe he found the real clue and decided he wanted to muddy the waters by making his copies. Or maybe there never was a genuine clue and he made the whole thing up just to make people like us waste our time searching for nothing. We're never going to get a straight answer out of this guy though. I think our best bet is just to pick up the trail again where you left off before. Maybe the path ultimately leads back here and maybe it doesn't, but the only way to find out for sure is to follow the clues step by step. No shortcuts."

"Damn it, you're probably right," Max said.

"Unless you're left," the confusion gnome said.

"Shut up!" Max said. "Looks like we're going to have to go to the desert after all."

"Desert?" the guard asked. "What's that you say about a desert? Is that where the next clue is? Holy smokes, I gotta get me some sunscreen!" The guard shoved the confusion gnome through the city gate and then slammed it shut. He hung up a sign that read "Closed Until Further Notice" and then hurried off down the road.

"Aw, crap!" Max rubbed his face with his hands. "Now the word's going to be out everywhere that the next clue is in the desert. Come on, we've gotta get going!"