Zeke was running as fast as he could when he almost ran smack into a giant were-panther eating the entrails out of a creature that looked like a cross between a crocodile and a praying mantis. The were-panther turned its gaze on Zeke and let out a deafeningly loud snarl. Zeke let out a gulp and turned to run the other way when a blast of flame shot past him inches away from his crotch.

"I'll burn your dick off!" Pervis shouted with his tongue sticking out of his mouth and flapping wildly from side to side. "Nobody touches my daughters! Nobody!"

"Oh man," Zeke said as he turned to his left and took off running only to come to a stop at an impassable swampy bog. As he looked around desperately trying to see if there was some way around it, he couldn't help but notice it was starting to bubble violently. A huge yellow tentacle monster suddenly burst out of it and lunged at him. He barely managed to duck as a tentacle covered in puckered green suckers swung over his head. It smacked against a nearby tree, instantly dissolving the section of trunk it had made contact with. Apparently it was able to secrete some sort of highly potent acid through its tentacles.

Zeke turned heel and ran in the opposite direction. He had only gone a short distance when he ran smack into a large purple furry creature.

"Oh there's puny little man baby. I was wondering where you had gone to. Change of plans. Thelgmar eat snake carcass so no Poison Rainbow Serpent jerky. But I kill Thelgmar so now we can make Fried Thelgmar Cakes. Even better than jerky. And even more toxic!" He threw the body of the slug creature at Zeke's feet. "You start slicing it up. I make fire. Try not to get bodily fluid on your hands or you die very slow and very painful. Even tiny drop of it making skin contact is enough to cause agonizing death."

"That's great and all, but right now there's a were-panther, an acid-spewing tentacle monster, and a deranged hillbilly with a flamethrower chasing me. I don't think I have time for this at the moment."

"What? Why you not say so earlier? Squirt is itching for a good fight. Killing Thelgmar was fun, but not challenging enough. This sound much more likely to cause death or serious injury! I even make new spear after Thelgmar destroy my old one. Good chance to break it in. Now where are these monsters you speak of?"

"I'm pretty sure I hear them running up right behind us," Zeke said as he tried to position himself behind Squirt.

The were-panther was the first one to burst out of the bushes, followed by the tentacle monster close behind. Zeke could hear Pervis jabbering away incoherently a bit further down the path.

Squirt crouched down between the two monsters and whirled his spear around in a blur, slicing and dicing away at both of them. Then he rolled out of the way as the monsters turned on each other. A tentacle made contact with the were-panther's face, instantly turning its jaw into jelly while it was simultaneously ripping the tentacle monster's guts out with its claws. Then they both suddenly burned to a crisp as Pervis unleashed the full fury of his flamethrower on them.

"Now you're cornered, city slicker," Pervis said as he emerged from the ashes. "Nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. Say goodbye to your dick, son!" He jammed the barrel of the flamethrower straight into Zeke's crotch and was about to pull the trigger when the pointy end of a spear suddenly burst through his face. He dropped to the ground as Squirt tugged his spear free.

"Oh boy, now we have entire smorgasbord of good eats. Were-panther and tentacle monster might be a little crispy, but I'm sure we can salvage something. Hillbilly fly looks fresh and delicious. And of course we still have Thelgmar. We go to bed with full bellies tonight, my scrawny little friend."

"You called me your friend," Zeke said.

"Yes, well, you lead me to good fight with big monsters. I figure that qualify you for probationary friend status. I reserve right to change my mind at any moment without warning. Now let's dig in!"

"I've got to be honest, I ate a huge meal at this hillbilly's house. I'm completely stuffed to the gills. Couldn't eat another bite without my stomach exploding. So, as scrumptious as all of these dead icky monsters look, I'm afraid I'm going to have to pass."

"Not even want Thalgmar gizzard? There's always room for dessert."

"No, no, I couldn't possibly. Also I'm on a diet. Trying to watch the old waistline, you know what I mean?"

"No, I don't know what you mean. Squirt is trying to pack on some extra pounds to attract the ladies. You should do that, too. You look scrawny and malnourished. Very off-putting. No wonder Queen Mai-La-Juna no want to be with you."

"Actually she said I was too fat," Zeke said with a sniff. "Told me to lay off the cupcakes. It was quite hurtful."

"What? She crazy. You skinnier than stick. You look like you snap in two if I sneeze on you. Hey, you not tell her I call her crazy, right? I mean now that we good friends and all, she not need to hear about that. Just between us, right buddy?"

"Yeah, I'm not really planning on talking to her again anytime soon, so your secret is safe with me."

"Good, good," Squirt said. "You sure you not want were-panther nutsack? It honestly best part and I just find it lying there on ground. Only a few bugs on it. They add extra crunch."

"I'm seriously full," Zeke said. "It's all you, big guy."

"Suit yourself," Squirt said with a shrug. "I eat feast and then head back to village. You good to find city on your own. It only five or ten miles from here, give or take twenty miles."

"Right," Zeke said. "Do you really have to be going back to your village already? I mean you've come this far. What's another fifty miles give or take a hundred miles? I also seem to have a knack for attracting monsters, so I'm sure I could find plenty of good fights for you and you could keep them from killing me. Also, I got a little turned around when I was running from these monsters and I'm not sure what direction I should be going. Pervis here said I just have to follow the Purple Worm River, but I don't know where that is."

"Oh yeah, I know where that is. Not far from here. I ought to be getting back to village. But if you really think you'll run into more monsters I could fight, perhaps I could go with you as far as city gates. Who knows, maybe I catch another Poison Rainbow Serpent along the way and we can still enjoy jerky?"

"Yeah, I have a feeling it's going to take me awhile to digest this really enormously huge meal I had earlier. But, hey, maybe. You never know, right? So what do you say? You want to get going?"

"I finish eating and then I sleep for night," Squirt said. "We go first thing in morning."

"How can you even tell?" Zeke asked. "The lighting level never changes here. It's always dark!"

"Oh no. Daytime much darker than night. You see. Now Squirt is ravenous. I eat, then you clean up after me, then we go to bed. Get to Quartzwater City tomorrow. Sleep tight, friend."

"I'll try," Zeke said as he somehow wandered into a swarm of biting gnats.