You wake up, still right next to Crowley. You remember last night and are suddenly filled with dread at the thought of facing him once he realizes you're awake-- you fell asleep on top of him. Oops. So, for around thirty seconds, you pretend to be still asleep.

"Uh, Y/N." Shit. "I know you're awake. You can get up now." So you lift your head and flop back onto your side of the bed.

"I'm going to call Aziraphale. As he said, we still have a lot to explain." He gets up and leaves you alone in your room. That wasn't so bad. You follow his lead and decide to get out of bed. As you start getting dressed, you hear the front door open. Aziraphale got here quickly.

You leave the room and join Aziraphale and Crowley in the study. Aziraphale is the first to speak.

"Ah, Y/N! What happened? Are you and Crowley on good terms now?"

"Yeah, we are! But you each keep saying that there's more to the story than just you're an angel and a demon." Crowley is the one who speaks next.

"Long story short, Armeggedon is coming because of the antichrist. We have no idea where he is but we're trying to find him. The end of the world is in a few days. We're going to check a hospital's birth records in a few, so get some food and let's go." Aziraphale glares at him.

"I think that was a bit too fast for her."

"You think everything I do is too fast. Y/N, how was my driving?" You think back to the car ride you had on the way to Crowley's flat a few days ago.

"I don't know, I wasn't paying attention...?" Crowley looks triumphant.

"If it was as bad as you say, she would have noticed." Aziraphale sighs.

"Let's just go." You run into the kitchen, grab a slice of toast, and run back out. Crowley and Aziraphale are waiting by the door.

"Okay, let's go," Crowley says, opening the door and heading to the Bentley. Being the polite person you are, you head to the backseat and let Aziraphale sit in the front.

In the car, you decide to ask about this whole business.

"How did you lose the antichrist?"

"We don't know."

"The world's going to end in a few days?"

"Well, actually, it should already be over. There's just something odd happening and we don't know what." Well, that's comforting.

"So this is the hospital you delivered him to?"

"Definitely."

"Are you sure?"

"Yep."

"So our job is to save the world."

"That's right."

"And by finding the antichrist, we can do that. But how will that help?"

"If we stop the antichrist from being evil, then maybe he won't destroy us all."

"What else is going on?"

"This missing antichrist just named his Hellhound. So unless we can stop him ourselves, we're screwed." Oh, fun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now that you're paying attention to Crowley's driving skills, you're scared for your life. He nearly ran over ten people on the way here. Each time, he said something like:

"Eh, they're in the street. They know the risks they're taking."

Yep, this guy is definitely part demon.

Now, you're right in front of a large building. There's a sign to the side that tells you that it's a paintball arena. You thought this was a hospital.

"Before we go in," you say, "I have a quick question." Aziraphale is the one who answers.

"I imagine you have more than one. But yes, what is it?"

"What pronouns do you go by? Since you're, like, immortal beings without gender."

"I prefer to go by male pronouns. It's how I usually am and I quite like being male," Aziraphale says. You turn to Crowley.

"What about you?"

"I'm sometimes female, sometimes male. Mostly male, actually. Sometimes I feel like dressing like a girl. A bit like dressing in drag but extreme. But unless I tell you otherwise, I'm male."

That makes sense. "Okay, that's all, thank you." The three of you are about to walk in, but Aziraphale stops dead in his tracks and sighs happily.

"What?" Crowley asks, sounding annoyed.

"This-- this place feels funny."

"Like what?"

"Bursts of affection-- many people love this place!"

"What does that mean?"

"It's like when you go into a haunted house, and you say, 'Oh, this place feels spooky!' It's like that."

"I have never said the word 'spooky' in my life." You butt in.

"Well, now you have. I wonder what that means, that you feel love in here."

"Well, we'll find out soon. Come on." Crowley leads the way.

The three of you are around ten feet into the courtyard of the building when you hear three bangs and you feel a sharp pressure on your back. You turn around and you see a man, in camo gear and holding a paintball gun, snickering behind a rock.

Crud. Your favorite shirt is ruined. You turn to Aziraphale and Crowley, who are acting as though they'd been shot with real bullets. They didn't see the sign, apparently.

"Uh, what are you doing...?" Crowley is the one who answers.

"You weren't shot!" You walk over to him, pull him to his feet, and press your fingers into the paint on his chest. You pull them away and show it to him closely.

"It's paint. This is a paintball arena. The dude who just shot us thought we were playing."

"Oh, that explains it. It hurt, though."

You glance to Aziraphale, who's looking very deflated about the blue spot on his coat.

"This was my favorite jacket..."

Crowley walks to Aziraphale and blows away the paint, then turns to you.

"O-Oh, thank you, Crowley."

"Turn around. I'll clean off your shirt." You do as you're told and you feel the wetness in the middle of your back disappear. "There you go." You turn back to Crowley and see that the red paint that had covered his chest a moment before is gone now.

The man who shot the three of you stomps out of his hiding place and to Crowley.

"What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to--" He stops talking. Crowley just momentarily gave himself a T-rex head and roared at the shooter. You look to Crowley, and he seems very pleased with himself. The man was so scared that he's now lying on the ground, passed out from fear and disbelief.

"You scared the poor man half to death!" You tell Crowley.

"He'll wake up soon. C'mon." You follow Crowley and Aziraphale into the building. No one tries to shoot you with paintballs, thank goodness.

When you're inside, you hear the sound of real bullets. You look outside, and--

It's a war zone. People's paintball guns have been replaced with machine guns, and they're trying to shoot each other. Crowley looks particularly demonic. You're speechless.

"Crowley! What have you done?" Thankfully, Aziraphale said it so you don't have to.

"They wanted real guns, I gave them real guns."

"That's not how it works! There are innocent people out there shooting each other!" You're still standing there in silence, watching the mayhem unfold from a window.

Suddenly, there's a particularly loud gunshot and you see a man stumble onto his hands and knees. He's been shot.

He stands up, touches his chest with a look of disbelief, and continues running around waving his gun.

You look to Crowley, who's smirking. You tap a shocked and sorrowful Aziraphale and explain to him what you saw. He turns to Crowley.

"Y/N is right. You are astonishingly kind." Crowley turns around and gives the both of you a death glare. "It's rather clever, you know. Giving them real guns, but also bulletproof armor covering their bodies. No one can get hurt that way." Crowley does not look happy. At all. This time, he walks up to Aziraphale. Oh no.

You do the only thing you can and shove yourself between the two.

"Crowley, no. I know what you're going to do. No."

"Oh, fine, I was just messing around." You hear the tapping of heels and all three of you turn your heads.

"May I help you three with anything?" You see a woman, and she immediately recognizes Crowley.

"Oh, hail Satan, it's master Crowley! What are you doing he--" and she stops talking, only staring in a trance-like state, as Crowley snaps his fingers.

"Well, this is the moment we've been waiting for. We're about to find out who the antichrist is and where we can find him."

Awesome.