Ten

It's Not Forever

"Cody."

The room swayed around me, a mix of people and sounds. The blue-tinted lights on the ceiling, meant to set ambiance, had turned cold. In front of me, Cody's face blurred, a combination of dark eyes, set jaw, and bright tie.

"You're not—you can't..."

Say anything, I told myself. Anything to make him stay would be worth it. The possibility of losing Cody was a hundred times worse now that I was facing it now.

"Please don't do this," I said, stepping towards him. I sounded breathless, like I was about to pass out. "You don't know what you're doing."

He brought a hand up to my shoulder, stopping me before I came too close. "Yeah, I do. All night you've been bouncing between me and him."

"I have not!"

"If you need a perfect illustration of what's going on," he said coldly, "then just look down at your neck."

Instinctively, my hand came up and grasped the two necklaces; the rays from the diamond sun cut into my palm. "I can't look down at my neck, you idiot," I snapped.

I expected Cody to roll his eyes and say something sarcastic back to me, but he didn't. Instead his long fingers reach up and pulled down at his tie, loosening it around his neck. That small gesture made me want to melt into a thousand pieces, but when I looked up at his eyes again I saw they were still like ice.

"I've been debating this for a while," he told me. "I'm not rushing into this because I'm angry right now or because I want to ruin your night. But I literally can't do this anymore. It's like you have two boyfriends right now."

I opened my mouth to protest but then realized that I was still clinging to both necklaces. Angry tears began to spark at the corners of my eyes, threatening to fall hard and fast while ruining my party makeup.

"It's easier this way," Cody continued, as if he didn't notice me falling apart right in front of him. "You can go to prom with Andrew and not have to worry about me. And I won't spend every other second of my day worrying that you regretted ever dating me."

"You could have told me you'd had a problem before you just decided to spring it on me and break up!"

He ran his hand through his hair. "I could have, but I was trying to be the good guy. I can't do that anymore. I'm sure you know by now that I'm not a good guy—that's Andrew's territory."

"Yes, you are!" I exclaimed, stepping towards him again. "You're an amazing boyfriend."

"Were."

A single tear slid out of my eye, trickling down my cheek. "Please don't do this to me," I muttered. "Not on my birthday."

He turned so that his back was facing towards me, his broad shoulders practically dismissing me. It was like he couldn't even stand to look at me anymore. "I don't want to," he said over his shoulder. "But I have to."

And then he started walking away. Every step that lengthened the distance between us seemed to cut at my heart. I felt like I could hear every one of his dress shoe's footfalls even over the impossibly loud music streaming from the deejay booth.

"Cody!" He was already out of earshot, too close to the door to hear me. A few heads turned and eyebrows raised, but I ignored them all as I pushed through the crowd on the dance floor. "Cody!"

I didn't notice I was sobbing until Julia grabbed my arms and spun me around to face her. "Quinn?" she asked, her face stricken. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Cody..." I could only manage, croaking through my tears. She started to ask me another question but I tore out of her grip, continuing to race after Cody. The door slammed and I wrenched it open, stepping outside. It had started raining, I heard curses about forgetting to bring an umbrella coming from my right. Plastering back my hair, I started after him.

"Cody!" My shoe splashed into a puddle and water drenched my legs from the knee down, turning my skin sticky. A car door opened a few feet away and I ran the final distance, yanking at the handle before Cody could lock it behind him.

He pulled the door towards him but I kept my grip tight, straining my arm muscles so he couldn't drive away.

Even in the dim light, I could see the anger in his eyes. "Shut the damn door, Quinn."

I could barely see through my tears. "You don't know what you're doing right now," I said, my words sliding out in one slippery mess. "Please don't do this. Cody, please."

He let go of his end of the door and set his arms on the wheel instead, burying his head in the crooks of his elbows. I watched his shoulders rise and fall for several heartbeats as he breathed, drumming his fingers against the wheel.

For a few wonderful seconds I thought he'd change his mind. Then, all of a sudden he lifted his head and said, "I have to do this, Quinn. I'm sorry." He took advantage of my slack hand and pulled the door away from me, shutting it so I could only see him through the wet glass. I widened my eyes to watch him as best I could through the rainwater and tears as he put his car in reverse and backed away.

Even after he pulled out of his spot and drove out of the parking lot, I stood there. I let rain drench every inch of my body, like it was some type of punishment. It was my fault Cody and I weren't inside dancing together, that he wasn't kissing me right now and that instead he'd driven away. He'd left me with Andrew, who I realized now would never compare to Cody and what we'd had. I'd still been caught inside whatever fantasy I'd lived in my freshman year.

Now there were no fantasies left, just heartbreak. Fingers slipping against each other, I unclasped the necklace Andrew gave me and stared for a few seconds at the sun. Maybe I was bright and cheerful, but I was also fake: the kind of girl who wasn't good enough to her boyfriend to make him feel wanted. Cody had stuck with me through thick and thin and he'd finally had enough.

I clenched the necklace in my fist so that the chain crinkled and poked into my skin. Then I brought up my other hand and ran it over the C Cody had given me. I squinted my eyes shut, more tears slipping away.

I heard footsteps a short ways away, and suddenly Julia was beside me, tugging at my arm. "Quinn?" she asked, squinting her eyes to look at me. "What's wrong? Come inside, you're going to freeze to death."

I let her drag me inside but the second we stepped through the door, I regretted it. Everyone's faces turned to me—faces filled with concern and curiosity. A few people turned to each other to mutter questions or predictions. If they looked hard enough, it would be clear that Cody wasn't here anymore, that I was crying because he'd left.

"Let's go somewhere quiet." Julia was still pulling at me, directing me to an empty table behind the deejay booth. I collapsed in a chair, still holding the sun necklace as tight as I could.

"You're shaking," said Julia, scooting up a chair beside me. "Why don't you tell me what happened?"

I shook my head, my shoulders trembling as I tried to fight back more tears. Julia scraped back her chair and stood, saying, "I'm going to get you something to drink. Stay right there, okay?"

I was crying too hard to respond, but a few seconds later she was gone and I felt lonelier than ever. The music blared on and everyone continued to party without me, oblivious that the birthday girl was suffering from a broken heart. If they looked hard enough they would have seen me, but nobody cared enough to come after me—they just wanted to stay on the dance floor and gossip.

"Quinn?"

A warm hand smoothed down my hair. I looked up and saw Andrew standing right in front of me; I was eye level with the bottom of his tie.

"I can't do this right now," I managed, hopping my chair around in a little circle so my back was to him. The bottoms of my shoes were still slick from running around like a madwoman in the rain, and I almost slipped on the floor.

His hand moved from my hair to my shoulder, squeezing lightly. "Whatever happened, I'm sorry," he said. "Just tell me what I need to do to help."

My heart was still aching, but at least now my brain was starting to run logically. Straightening, I turned back around to him and held out the sun necklace in my hand. "Please take this back," I said. "I'm sorry, but I just can't accept it."

He looked like he was going to protest but remembered what he'd just said at the last minute, so he resignedly took the charm. "I'm sorry," he repeated, slipping it into his pocket. "I'm sorry that he's controlling your life so much that you can't even accept this."

"Don't start." My chin trembled and I hated that I was sitting here crying in front of Andrew, who had probably labelled me as The Girl Who Can't Make Up Her Mind by now. If not, he'd almost certainly filed me away as someone who was overly emotional, struggled with committing to her decisions, and thought with her emotions instead of her brain way too often.

"I'm not trying to start anything," he murmured, his voice low. I made the mistake of looking up and latching my gaze onto his bright blue eyes, which sparkled in the blue lights overhead. "Quinn, just know I'm here for you, okay? Even if you see me as nothing else, you're a friend to me. I don't want to lose that."

I sniffed noisily and nodded, and he stooped down to kiss the top of my head gently before walking away. He passed Julia on his way back to the dance floor and stopped to say something to her; she answered him with a shrug and then closed the distance between us.

"Here," she said, handing me a cool glass of water bobbing with ice. "Drink this and take some deep breaths."

Shakily, I brought the glass to my lips, trying to compose myself as I took a sip. The water was way too cold and I coughed, nearly hacking it back up.

Patting my back, Julia simultaneously wiped away some of the tears that were still staining my cheeks. "Are you ready to talk yet?"

I took down another gulp of water and this time managed to swallow it. "Cody broke up with me."

"Why?"

"Because I've been a terrible girlfriend, evidently," I spat, setting my glass back on the table with much more force than I'd intended. "Apparently I'm making him jealous by spending time with Andrew, and he can't handle the fact that I actually have guy friends."

My voice cracked. I knew I was twisting his words the wrong way and that guilt, combined with the initial sting of the breakup, made me hurt even more. Cody had had reason to be concerned—and I hadn't even told him the half of it. Maybe what he'd done was justified.

Julia tucked her curly bob behind her ear. "You sound bitter. Why don't you let him cool down a little and then try to talk about it?" When I didn't respond immediately she added, "The deejay wanted to see me for a minute. I swear I'll be right back."

She disappeared again in a flurry of yellow dress, leaving me alone again. I watched the crowd on the dance floor for a few seconds before a switch in my brain flicked. Standing abruptly, I scurried away and towards my phone, which was in my clutch and still perched on the chair I'd eaten dinner in.

I yanked out my phone and pulled up my messages to Cody, my fingers shaking. Then I typed.

Cody, I'm sorry I ever caused you any reason to doubt me. I gave Andrew back the necklace. A piece of jewelry isn't worth what I lost with you tonight. Please, please reconsider. I'll do whatever it takes. I won't go to prom with Andrew—I'll never speak to him again. You can't do this to me.

I didn't even bother to proofread it before I hit send. Then I waited, refreshing the screen every few moments just in case a reply hadn't come through. His read receipt still remained under the last text I'd sent him, one where I'd confirmed the location of the party.

All I could see in the next few minutes was my phone as I kept staring at it. It was probably good he wasn't texting and driving, but after a few more minutes I knew he'd definitely been home for a sizable amount of time and was just ignoring his phone. And then, there it was: the read receipt shifted to pop underneath my plea.

I waited for a reply. And then waited some more. But the three grey dots indicating that he was typing never appeared. After five more minutes I groaned out loud and threw my phone on the table, yanking at my hair in frustration.

"He's so petty!" I exclaimed to no one in particular, picking up my phone long enough to shove it back into my purse and toss that back onto its chair. "Seriously, he can't even reply? Not even an 'I got your text and I'm thinking it over'? I'll even take an 'I don't ever want to see you again' at this point."

A few people glanced at me strangely as I continued to talk to myself, throwing my hands up in the air. I glared at a few of them, letting my gaze rest extra long on Elisabeth. She looked beautiful in a black and white dress and perfectly simple makeup. Would Cody go after her now that we'd broken up? Would the tables turn—would I be the one third-wheeling them in chemistry class instead of the other way around?

We contemplated each other for a few seconds, our eyes resting on each other. Then Elisabeth tossed her hair over her shoulder and walked up to me.

"You okay?" she asked, raising her voice to be heard over the music.

I let her take in the sight of my ruined makeup and hair, sopping party dress, and tear stains before I said flatly, "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." I wrung out some of the rainwater clinging to the ends of the hair, watching it fall into a puddle beside the table. "I'm fine. Great, actually. This has been the best freaking day of my life."

Every one of my words grew more aggressive, until I was throwing every syllable at her like a knife. She backed away, shrugging, but she continued to study me. "Okay," she said. "Let me know if you need anything."

I knew she didn't mean it. And a second later she was gone, back in the throng of people who had all come to celebrate their birthday but didn't seem concerned about me at all.

I plopped down on the nearest chair, knowing Julia was probably looking for me but too exhausted to move. Even though I knew I shouldn't, my fingers snaked back to my clutch and I pulled out my phone, staring at the blank home screen. There shouldn't have been any new notifications—everyone I cared about should have been right here with me. But they weren't; the most important person of all was missing.

More tears dripped down my face as I unclasped the necklace Cody had given me. I held it in my palms for a second, studying it and trying to remember how happy I'd been when he had given it to me. My heart swelled for a fraction of a second in memory of the moment, but then cracked all over again because of what had happened afterwards. Gingerly, I traced the outline of the diamonds with my index finger before slipping it into my clutch.

My phone buzzed and all my senses went on high. I fumbled for my phone again and had to press the home button three times before it was firm enough to light up my phone. The message was only from Mom, asking how the party was going.

Since she probably wouldn't want to hear my reply I closed out of the conversation, my eyes flicking around to everyone else having a good time. I could have lied and told her everything was going great, but when I came home she'd see my tear stains and know instantly that something was wrong. And I didn't even want to look at the state of my hair or dress in a mirror.

By the time I opened my messages to Cody again, my eyes were dry and I had no tears left to shed. I slid my finger up and down the screen a few times, reading some of our old messages, before my eyes rested at the bottom of our conversation. The read receipt was still there, a sign plain as daylight that he hated me now and was choosing to ignore me. I'd put myself out there with that apology and he hadn't even acknowledged it.

It was clear to me now that I was never getting Cody back.