Izuna

I was wearing the hiking boots I had bought with Hashirama in Tokyo that day long, long ago. We were walking in a beautiful landscape of thawing snow, nothing around us but wildlife. A way away, we could see the ocean. As we got closer, I could feel Tobirama stiffen up more and more. I didn't ask him about it; I had a feeling I would find out. 

When we got closer to the shore, he lead me to something looking like an enormous jewel with steam coming out of it. As we got closer, I realised it was a hot spring with crystal-clear water, big and deep enough so that two people could sit comfortably in it.

"It's safe", he said. "Not poisonous."

We undressed without a word, and as we sunk into the steaming hot water, my muscles convulsing at first at the heat but then gradually relaxing in it so that it felt more like the delicious contrast to the air that it was, he put his arms around me and pulled me to him so I sat with my back to his front. 

And we looked out on the beautiful, black ocean in this country that I had come to love during the months I had lived here. 

"How did you know it's not poisonous?" I asked, but I already knew the answer. "You've been here before, right? Not just before I came here but before you moved to the States?"

Tobirama was quiet for a while. He leaned his chin on my shoulder, gaining strength from me. 

"It's not far from the village where I lived with my mother and father." I had never heard about a mother and father before. "I came here to escape the abuse. My father hit my mother. When I became a child instead of a baby, he hit me, too. Finally, my father killed my mother. Right in front of my eyes." 

I didn't say anything. The ocean and Tobirama's voice was all that was needed in that moment. 

"My father was put in prison, and died there. I was placed in an orphanage, and was then moved from foster family to foster family. Usually, the reason a child is moved around in foster care without being adopted is that that child is difficult. But they just didn't want me. I was quiet. I did my schoolwork. I was nothing extraordinary. Finally, I got a scholarship and moved to New York. I had never trusted anyone. Until Hashirama came along. And you came along. But when I saw you kiss him, I felt as if the only trust I had learned was taken away from me."

We were quiet for a while before I spoke.

"Tobirama?"

"Mmm?" 

"When did you see me kiss Hashirama?" I asked, genuinely confused.

"I doesn't matter. You weren't mine to begin with. You were free to do what you wanted."

"But I'm serious!" I turned to him. "When was this? I don't recognise it because I haven't kissed Hashirama since you and me started dating."

"At the party. Right before I left. When you had finished your dancing with him."

"Oh..." I said, trying to remember. Then, I understood. "Tobirama, I... I didn't kiss Hashi." Tobirama looked at me with a frown. "I kissed his cheek. I do that all the time with my friends. But we didn't actually kiss. Even if you and me hadn't talked about whether we belonged together or not, I felt bound to you. I wouldn't kiss anyone else. And just so you know, I haven't kissed anyone since, either."

Tobirama looked out over the ocean, taking all of this in. I continued speaking.

"Tobirama, when I came to work with you, I saw myself as colourless. As boring and bland, with nothing to offer the world." Tobirama opened his mouth, but seemed to change his mind; he respected me too much to start contradicting me. I appreciated that. "I'm not going to say that you came along and changed that. But you came along and I changed that, myself. I started seeing myself as worthy because I worked hard as fuck to be able to see myself for who and what I truly am."

"I have been thinking about that", he said ."That I shouldn't decide what's best for you and then punish myself because I'm not it."

"I don't care if you're best for me or not! I want you! I like you! Like, a lot! Will you accept me into your life?" 

Tobirama didn't look away. He had captured my eyes. During our time here, I had noted the colour of his irises seemed to shift with the colour of the sky. My heart was hammering in my chest. This is it, I thought. If he says no, then it's a no. I promised myself that. But if it was a yes... 

"I'll think about it", he finally said.

It scared me that he need to think about it. But with this man's story, it was probably the best answer I could get. 

"I will wait for you", I said.