It was delusional of me, looking back on it, to wait for him to return. There was always that small spark of hope weakly holding on in the darkness of reality. I couldn't be fully consumed with my lover's abandonment, though, instead I focused on the child I was soon to bear.

A few months passed without any suspicions raised but by mid-spring season there could be no denying the truth; though most were wise not to whisper unfiltered words in my presence.

I continued with my duties as though life was normal, as though the previous few months of bliss were not astonishing to me. I rarely held hearings, though, the further along I went.

Though there were accusing, vile words spread about me behind my back, I wasn't the least bit bothered by those menial persons below me, my thoughts were the only absorbing presence to me.

Sleep eluded me most nights, especially as the months accumulated, approaching the final date. My thoughts were so strewn about that not even the Fates could defer where they came from. To be a mother was never a thought before but neither was Dhisnaek, yet he came and went. In the beginning, still reeling from Dhisnaek's disappearance, I barely paid heed to the life blooming inside me, but by the fourth month reality had returned and sense reigned over my mind once more. I grew troubled, then, wondering how I could have been so careless, yet I never felt repulsed. Rather, as the months and weeks dwindled, panic soon took hold. I did not want to have nor raise this child, I could not. I was destined for great things but motherhood was not something I strove for.

I thought back with a guilt ridden conscious, even with the difficulties lying ahead, about the easiest way to naturally lose a child. My thoughts ran back to my mother all those years ago, sitting with a blank expression on her face as Feria wiped down her bloody legs. I wondered if she felt any physical pain. Would I experience the same emotional drain she had? Perhaps not. I felt no attachment to the being forming within my womb, just remorse, great remorse for myself.

Even with those thoughts in my mind, I never acted upon them and for that, there was one person to thank: Swethyna.

She knew before any one else even suspected me of carrying. I noticed her lingering presence around me even when I never called for her. Our relationship had been strained over the years to the point that we barely shared more than a civil glance at each other, but in the following months, she had begun inserting herself more readily into my life again. She wasn't doing it fully on account of her own curiosity, I had been reaching out to her more as of late.

I knew she had experienced the months of carrying and the trials of labor and that was valuable to me. I saw how she cherished her own child more than all the jewels in the world; and in turn, how highly her child reciprocated that love. That left a great impression upon me in my remaining weeks of carrying.

As I reflected one evening in the throne room, I began to realize how lonely being above was- Dhisnaek had filled that void momentarily. Besides my emotional necessities, there was also political motives; I was not immortal like the Fates, I would need an heir.

At that moment, I finally took peace in my situation, took comfort in the future ahead. I would see to it that I would deliver this child without any doubt, without regret.

The day had been a sweltering one, leaving everything in humid retrospect as the evening wan. The heat was a bane to me but I usually I remained indoors to escape its midst, especially in my last days of carrying. But that afternoon as I stood overlooking the valley below, determining the measure of a good sunset, I felt pain spike through me again. That was the fourth time since noon. But that time, it was more chronic, more painful it had come sooner than the previous incidents.

So as I sat there gasping from the crippling pain surging through me, I knew the time had arrived. There could no longer be any hesitation in my actions. I would bare this child. But the lone thought remained. Could I love it? Was motherhood my truest calling?

My mind was brought back to my current situation when I felt a trickling down my legs. At first instinct, I froze, worried I had lost the child at such a late stage but prior knowledge returned to me and I knew exactly the substance was running down my legs.

Staggering to get to my feet, I hobbled over to the doors, inhaling sharply at the burning pain searing me below. I summoned a guard through my hazy, pain ridden state, instructing him to call for Swethyna; there was no midwife I would trust more at that moment than to have her by my side.

I focused more on getting to my chamber rather than the growing pain, which, thankfully, started to subside by the time I arrived at my chamber and crawled like a child into my bed. My body gleamed of sweat and my breathing had become labored. In that state, I had nothing but my thoughts and fears to comfort me. As brave as I prided myself on being, I was scared, shaking like a leaf in the wind, wanting nothing more than a hand to guide me through this process which terrified me.

Lying there, the one person I wanted close to me to hold my hand and whisper words of encouragement in my ears, more than Swethyna, was Dhisnaek. Just his mere presence, hearing his voice would strengthen me. But I was alone, quivering in the aftermath of pain like a small child, my hand on my swollen belly.

The pain was returning again by the time Swethyna and another maid arrived at my chamber. I was so overwhelmingly grateful to see her but could do nothing but cry out as the intensity increased, leaving me gasping for breath.

She first ordered the young woman, who looked no older than seventeen, to give me something for my pain. It was a milky colored liquid that went down with ease and brought coolness to my heated body.

To see Swethyna so calm brought me great peace as well, allowing me to be more attentive to her directions.

"I need to feel where the baby is positioned," She told me gently.

Whatever she needed to do to deliver this baby I had no qualms about. I felt her hands feel around for the baby's head, making sure it was in the right position. I remembered as a young girl, a woman in the village couldn't properly deliver her child because its feet came out first, killing her and the unborn child. But I needn't worry about such things, Swethyna told me the baby's head was positioned correctly.

All we could do was wait until the child was close enough to be delivered.

For me, it was grueling. Though the medicine did relieve most of my pain, I could still feel the unsettled babe kicking to get out. I asked continually when the time would come but Swethyna kept telling me the time had not arrived yet.

"Did it take this long for you to deliver?" I asked her in a raspy voice upon noting the darkness that had settled outside.

She stirred in a powder into a cup, her eyes strained in concentration but with a faint smile at her lip's corners.

"Emmony took twice as long. She was a stubborn thing. Still is."

Her smile dropped at the mention of her daughter who wasn't near, but she tried to appear more positive for me as she handed me the cup to ease my pains again.

By the next hour and a half, Swethyna deemed the baby was ready to come. No sooner had she spoke did I began to feel a tight, growing pressure in my lower region. So intense was it that even the substance they gave me before couldn't mask the true pain. I had never felt anything like it- I thought I truly was to die on my birth bed.

Swethyna, though, coaxed me with firm encouragement to persevere., so I did.

I applied as much pressure as my grasp could holding onto the young woman's hand. Her gentle, soft-spoken words were lost in the distortion of my mind for I could think of nothing else than to end all the suffering bestowed upon me in those few minutes that stretched before me.

They were only minutes but I had never experienced anything more prolonged in my life.

"Keep going, keep pushing, love," She coaxed, her hands ready to catch the child. "Push out, keep pushing, don't stop, don't stop."

Her face was red and a sheen of sweat coated her face, while I laid drenched in my own sweat. My labor was hard, it was toiling work, but I continued, I pushed through.

With one last coax, I pushed with all my might, putting forth every effort that I had until I felt the sudden, liberating relief of pain. Collapsing, my vision was shaky and my lungs burned raw, but it was finished, it was over. In the midst of my collection, I heard the sweetest sound pierce the air.

The wails of a newborn.

I was on the brink of absolute exhaustion but I remained conscious as Swethyna worked to disconnect the child from me and clear the mucus from its lungs. All throughout the process, the child's cries were strong, high pitched shrieks, but relieved me that it sounded healthy.

My body was worn from the dueling task of labor but life returned to me again once Swethyna presented me with the swaddled babe who now puled in my arms quietly.

Though doubts and fears plagued me excessively before, in that still moment as I held the child I carried so long inside me in my arms, staring down at the serene face, I felt something I never had in my life. There was an unexplainable, unconditional love for this child, this child who was mine to love and would love me back.

To my surprise, I felt tears welling in my eyes but I refused to cry in front of Swethyna and the young woman. Thankfully, the young woman knew when her presence wasn't required anymore and respectfully dismissed herself. Swethyna, though, lingered, watching me kiss the still bloody forehead of the child.

"It's a boy." She spoke softly.

My eyes remained on the small, helpless infant in my arms.

A heartbeat of silence followed before she quietly inquired. "What are you going to name him?"

He had yet to open his eyes and look up at me, yet he faced me as though he saw me still.

I hadn't thought about names in all my months of carrying- worry was constant in my thoughts- but I didn't need to. I knew straightaway what I would call him.

"Xalale."

Valiant to some, but to me, he was his mother's pride.

"That's a beautiful name," She breathed.

For the first time in a long time- and the last in a while- I looked at her and softly uttered, "Thank you."

She merely smiled then dismissed herself, leaving me alone with the new apple of my eye.

The child felt so delicate in my arms. I swore, then, I would protect this child, this son of mine, from what others in my life hadn't shielded me from.

As he rested soundly against my chest, I tenderly brushed back his fine, dark hairs, my voice as hushed as a sacred lullaby.

"I will never let anyone hurt you as much as I have been hurt. You will never cry over menial things or unfair treatment. I will raise you to be strong, to be brave, to never let your enemies prosper. Most importantly, I will never, as long as I draw breath and after, ever let your heart be broken by another. My dearest Xalale."

As the days followed, I could begin to see his father in him. There left no doubt over the following months as my child grew and blossomed; he was Dhisnaek's flesh through and through.

His eyes, even at such a tender age, were a brilliant blue that was indescribable, yet awe-inspiring. His smile, too, was parallel to his father's, so at ease and brightening. Already, I sense that although the child's hair would be straighter, it was as dark as Dhisnaek's and would continue to darken to the color of a crow's feather. It was a bittersweet reminder to look into his eyes and see his father.

I had little to worry about during my months of carrying whether or not I should have the connection a child and its mother have. Xalale had become my world, the center of my life, he was the reason I strived and pushed onwards. For once in my life, I felt unconditional love whenever I looked in that child's eyes.

Already, he was growing up quickly, exploring the world around him, discovering what he liked, what he didn't like. One thing he was oft to do was admire me. I had never been so valued before, never viewed so highly.

He saw me wield the gift that the Fates blessed me with and was adamant about how much he wanted to be like me. Winter was his favorite season, his eyes would gaze in amazement when I demonstrated my gift. He wanted so much to be like me, to see what I did daily.

That was one place I refused to have him with me, no matter how much he clamored to see me.

Though the experience of motherhood warmed me, I was still the same queen I was before he was born. He wasn't ready to see what I did, he wasn't mentally prepared to handle the ideological I held. I was a queen and a mother, not one in the same- and he wouldn't understand that. It was best if I kept that part of myself withheld from him.

He was a spirited child, so imaginative. One day I caught myself staring at him play with Emmony, who would visit infrequently. He reminded me so much of Erinna, her free spirit so careless, that I had to turn away from the sight or else it would assault old wounds.

At times, I would wonder if he missed having real, human friends. He put my wondering mind to rest when he asked me straightforward one day.

"Why don't I have friends? Real friends? Other children like myself?"

I knew he wouldn't understand my answer, the reasoning I held, but he pushed and pushed at the issue until I finally had to become firm in my decision- something I rarely was with him.

"You won't understand now but one day you will and one day you'll thank me. But right now I'm saying no. Can you understand that?"

He claimed he understood but, under the wary demeanor, I knew he didn't. It was what was best for him, to protect him.

The one friend he did have, Emmony, was his world whenever she visited. Though oftentimes Swethyna would go to see her in the village, Emmony would sometimes visit her here. The light in Swethyna's eyes would burn brightly as she beheld her most sacred treasure. As Xalale grew up, his eyes would gleam in the same manner as she would greet him. Though I was grateful that Emmony took the time to play with him, there was something- perhaps even from the first time I met her- that I didn't instinctively like about her, something that made me keep my distance from her.

The one other person who Xalale spent his time around the most was Swethyna. They formed an unusual friendship. She would be the one he spent his time with whenever I was busy with the kingdom. She treated him as kindly as she did with her own daughter, which impressed me. Even though her relationship with my son was strong, our own relationship never recovered- that was a long ago thought. Her relationship with Xalale touched me in a different light as well. It almost resembled my relationship with my past mentor, my teacher, Minryn.

It seemed Xalale reminded me of something or someone of my past; it unnerved and comforted me. He would never know those people but they would always speak to me through him.

The one person from my past whom I did tell him about was his father, Dhisnaek. He deserved to know him. Dhisnaek would have loved his son, the feeling would have been mutual on both ends.

He had just turned eight and I felt it appropriate for him to have some part of the man that made him, the man I once- still- loved. Perhaps he didn't understand the significance of it fully, but I wanted him to have that ring, that promise which burned my finger with every passing day.

At the topic presented, he inquired of me about his father which was understandable. But as much as there was to tell about his father, I could only bear the pain enough to tell him one thing.

"You look so much like him."

It wasn't enough. I knew it after I said it after I looked into his eyes, but it was all I could manage and somehow, thankfully, I felt he understood that. As it went, the matter of his father never arose again.

Though the day would come when I would prepare him to rule, I took joy in the moments we shared together then. I thought those moments would last an eternity but again, I was foolishly naive.

The Fates weren't finished with my punishment and the worst was yet to come.