XXX

training without theron is like training with only one arm. everything is harder, more difficult to learn. i keep trying though, because i have a father at home who's waiting for his daughter to return. i've finally decided what i'm going to do in the arena, and that's to let kit take me to the end. i'm going to let him die for me.

and the only way i can do that, is to turn off my humanity. it's the only way i could live with myself.

i swing the knife around my finger as i stare at the moving target. kit is standing beside me, watching me closely. i throw the knife and watch as it slices through the air and hits the target in the centre. my breath hitched and my mouth opened in surprise. "i hit it," i say but there's still a hint of denial in my voice. "did i really hit it?"

kit grins, as much as he can with his messed up jaw, and pulls me into an embrace, lifting me off my feet and spinning around. "yes! you really hit it!"

kit has been hitting the target continuously for the past hour but he's still so proud of me that it's hard not to celebrate with him. i ignore the ache in my side from the movement, wallowing in the happy feeling in my body.

the careers watch us in confusion, wondering why we were so happy by such a little thing but we ignore them.

when kit puts me down, something happens. a change in feeling, a feeling i couldn't place. we stood so close to each other that i can feel his breath on my cheek. i suddenly felt the need to be closer to him. he stared into my eyes, his hand brushing a stray strand of hair away from my face.

i'm frozen, from both fear and excitement. he leaned in, slowly at first and then urgently, his lips locked with mine. the cut on my lip stung but i didn't care.

i was completely unprepared. you would think that after all the hours i'd spent with kit, watching him talk, laugh and cry; that i would know all there was to know about his lips. but i hadn't imagined how warm they would feel pressed up against my own.

"way to go, nightlock!" adonis howled, grinning from ear to ear.

we pull away from each other and i feel my cheeks heat up. astrid nudges adonis and shakes her head but she's smiling too.

we spend the rest of the training day to train our hardest, so hard that there wasn't any time for us to talk about what just happened. he kissed me and i kissed him back. i should feel happy but all i feel is an empty feeling in my stomach, like even my body can't let itself feel happy because it knows in just a short while the boy who's making me feel this way will be dead.

once training is over, all the tributes who went to the infirmary are back and they begin to call us out for our private sessions with the gamemakers. district by district, first the girl, then the boy tribute. as usual, district 12 is slated to go last.

we linger on the training floor, unsure where else to go. no one comes back once they have left. once the room empties, i find my way to the throwing station. i pick up a small metal item with sharp tips all around it; it looks like a star.

i haven't had any practice with them but i have to wait until it's my turn for my private session so i decide to try the weapon out. kit is on the other side of the room, practicing using a sword. i hate how i look for him in every room.

i press the button and the targets start to move, like actual humans. i hold the star looking thing in my hand and focus. i notice a target coming at me from the side of my eye. i pull my body downward and swing my arm around, letting the star fly out of my hand. it slices through the target.

i stare at the target, which now has a hole where the heart would be, and my body trembles. i don't feel happy like i did with the knife. it just dawned on me what i was training for. killing. the idea alone shattered me into a million pieces. "what am i doing..." i whispered, running my fingers through my hair.

"davina hallows," a woman with a clipboard calls my name.

as i walk toward her, i look back at kit. concern and confusion washes over his face once he sees the tears in my eyes. he drops the sword and begins to walk towards me but i already reached the woman and the door shuts tightly behind us.

i smooth my hair, set my shoulders back, trying to get myself together and walk into the gymnasium. it's much like the training floor. it's filled with just about everything you can use to show your skill. i haven't talked to theron or haymitch about this part, so i feel more out of place than i should be.

i'm lost. i don't know what to do, or what station to go to. luckily the game markers aren't paying too much attention to me. i finally decide the throwing station is my strong suit. it's what i practiced with theron.

i feel my heart skip the beat when i think about him but i push it away. this isn't a time to break down.

i walk to the throwing station and stare at the wall of weapons to choose from. think, davina, think. what is your choice of weapon?

instinctively my hand reaches for the stars.

the game makers are watching me now.

i breathe.

press the button.

the targets move.

i loosen my body.

my hands know what to do and my body complies. i'm hitting each and every target that approaches me. the stars slice through them, some in the chest, sometimes i aim for the legs. the final star leaves my hand and chops off a targets head. the head clambers to the ground, making a loud sound echo through the quiet room until the only sound comes from my fast breathing.

my hands are shaking now and before i know it a single tear streams down my cheek; but they're not sad tears, they're coming from anger.

i turn back to face the game makers. they look like statues, emotionless and frozen. they see how defeated i am but they don't care. as long as they get their show they don't care who they're hurting.

"thank you, davina hallows." i flinch at the sound of the head gamemakers voice.

that was the breaking point of my patience. "screw you," i spat, my voice cold and filled with intense hatred. the little girl that cried on her way to the capital was long gone. i glare at each of them before turning around and leaving without being dismissed.

*

i love how strong her character is becoming. she started out as a fragile character who let a boy treat her so badly and reading books to deciding to fight for her life. unfortunately, that also means kit isn't her main focus anymore and how that's going to play out in the next chapters is going to be interesting because of the fact that they just kissed haha.

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