A/N: Thanks to Renowned-Wolf for helping with a couple things.

Episode opens on Stolas, Andrealphus, and Stella are shown sitting at a ritzy cafe to discuss the divorce.

Stella: Stolas.

Stolas: Stella. (sips)

Stella: (sips) Cunt.

Stolas: Witch.

Andrealphus: Aurgh!

Stella: (slams hands on table, gets up) FUCKISH. IMP. SUCKER!

Stolas: Why did you insist on meeting me here?

A tiny imp server pours tea for Stolas. Stolas looks at his phone that says: "Reminder: Deal @ Ozzie's set".

Andrealphus: Ahem! We wanted to properly discuss the terms of this divorce. I feel my darling sister deserves a bit more...compensation. After all, you did CHEAT on the poor thing. Surely, you owe-

Stolas: Andrealphus, cheating implies there was a betrayal. This woman never gave two shits about me or our very much arranged marriage. As far as I'm concerned, this divorce is far overdue.

The imp server looks out to see Bombproof is seen racing toward the glass window.

Stella: Up yours! (flips Stolas off)

Andrealphus: (groans) Stellaaa, for fuck's sake, stop making this harder to bullshit! (clears his throat) Stolas, there was one other thing we needed to talk to you about; that amulet you gave to your human companion. (lowers voice) You know that it is illegal for demons to give Hell magic to humans.

Before Stolas can respond the window breaks, revealing Strika posing on a table. She discards her poncho and twirls two angelic revolvers in her hands. She fires one and the bullet hits the window near Stolas' head. Stella grins evilly at Stolas as he dodges more bullets. He flies out toward the exit. Strika wraps Stolas in glowing white rope before he can escape. Stolas falls to the ground in an alley, captured.

Stolas: Oh, dear...this is worrisome.

Cut to the IMP van driving through Sloth. Moxxie and Millie are in the back while you are sitting in-between Blitzo and Loona, petting and comforting the latter. 

Blitzo's phone lets out a bird ringtone.

Blitzo: Oh, shit. (answering) Stolas! It's really not a good time, buddy...

Stolas: I'm sorry it's a bad time yet again, Blitzy. But, umm...I seem to have found myself in a bit of a sitch. I'm tied to the back of a horse at the moment.

Blitzo: Pffttt...lucky bitch.

Stolas: Um, well, no. Rather unlucky. I seem to have been stolen by that little cowgirl friend of yours.

Blitzo: Ohh, which one?

Y/N: How many cowgirls do you know? (To Stolas) What does she look like, Stolas?

Stolas glances up at Strika's grinning face as she rides her horse.

Stolas: Umm, unhinged and...sexy?

Y/N: Aw, crap. Strika's bac..

Blitzo: Oh, for fuck's sake! Can't you just get away? Aren't you powerful?

Stolas: I believe she has bound me with blessed rope, which limits my ability to free myself, I'm afraid. So, I think you should come save me.

Blitzo: Oh, shit. Stolas, I can't today, alright? I'm sorry. I-I'm literally on my way to take Loona in for her very important Hellbies s-h-o-t.

Loona:

Y/N: (rubbing her behind the ears) You know she can spell, Blitzo.

Loona buries her face in your chest and lets out a scared dog whimper.

Blitzo: It takes years to book an appointment at this place, it took five to get this one. So, you know- eh, and she's been doing a lot of field work. So, you know, she needs it.

Stolas: Oh, ha, ha. Well, I do agree that is very important...But, I-

Strika: Would you shut up already? I can hear you, by the way.

Strika swipes Stolas's cell phone with her tail.

Strika: Don't worry about your lanky birdy...he's in good hands. (crushes the phone and laughs)

Stolas: Oh, shit. Am I in danger right now?

Blitzo: Gaaagh, damn it!

Blitzo breaks his phone in his hand. He moves the clutch forward and the can speeds down the highway.

Y/N: Blitzo, (gestures at M&M) the three us can handle this. 

Blitzo: Okay, are you sure you two got this alone?

Moxxie: We can do it, sir. Together, we are a lethal combo. And we have a score to settle with that Bitch.

Millie places cowboy hats on your and Moxxie's heads.

Blitzo: Alright. Well, hurry. Stolas sounds like he might be in real shit this time.

Blitzo pulls up to St. An's Hospital

Y/N: Knowing Strika's Cowgirl theme, she's probably holed up somewhere in Wrath.

Knowing she's at the hospital, Loona whimpers more, still having her face burrowed in your chest.

Y/N: I know, Loonie. I wish I could be there for you, but we really have to take care of this.

Loona: I know, I know. Just...please try not to take too long.

You kiss her on the snoot before Blitzo lifts her out of the van and you drive off.

Blitzo: Come on, Loonie. Come on, this will be over lickety-split, alright?

Blitzo pushes the door open and drags Loona inside by her tail. Loona scratches at the floor, hesitant to go in.

Blitzo: Christ on a stick! Of all the days for him to get his stupid feathered-ass kidnapped...I have waited five fucking years for this appointment! FUCK ME IN MY LITTLE RED HOLE!

Blitzo glances over to a demon mother glaring at him. Her son is next to her on a leash.

Blitzo: Hi. The fuck you looking at?

Blitzo walks up to the desk toward a baphomet nurse.

Blitzo: Heya, toots. I'm here for that S-H-O-T for my Loonie Toonie. (laughs)

Loona growls from behind. A nearby poster shows a hound with a needle in its back that reads "Get yours today or else!"

Muffy: (confused) The what?

Blitzo: Urgh. (grabs clipboard) The B-U-L-L shit that my daughter has to get every year that you M-O-T-H-E-R fuckers only allow us to schedule every five years. How the fuck you fuck up that bad, anyway, titty-haver?

Blitzo writes down his name on the clipboard's paper.

Muffy: Oh, I can't spell.

Blitzo pushes the clipboard to her.

Muffy: I can't read, either.

Blitzo: The fucking Hellbies shot you fucking re-allly can't say that word anymore. The appointment is under Blitzo.

Muffy flips through a notebook full of appointments.

Muffy: Uhhhm... I don't see any Blitz on the list.

Blitzo: With an "o", it's silent, you fucking...

Muffy flips the notebook over.

Muffy: OH! An "o" right here. Yep, yep! Blitzoooo, Blitzooo.

Blitzo's eye twitches and he seethes in anger.

Nurse: Yes, well. We will be ready for her in just a bit. Please take a seat, Mr. O.

Blitzo reveals his pistol hidden in his shirt and the demon mother glares at him in suspicion. Blitzo chuckles nervously.

Blitzo: Perf.

Blitzo walks over and takes a seat with his arms folded.

Blitzo glances at Loona who is whimpering in fear under three chairs.

Blitzo: Oh, don't worry, Loonie. It's okay, it's just one little prick, you won't feel it.

He boops da snoot and she gives a small smile.

Mother: Ew, don't say that, it sounds vulgar.

Blitzo: Excuse me?

Mother: Pervert!

Cut to Strika galloping through Wrath with Stolas tied up.

https://youtu.be/3LFpyN2ma0E

Mariachi Imps:

♫ She's galloping over the dusty plains ♫

♫ Even the cacti know her name ♫

♫ If you don't want to die, don't cross her path ♫

♫ The best assassin in the Ring of Wrath ♫

♫ She's Strika! She's Strika! ♫

♫ Sure-shootin', darn-tootin', her name is Strika ♫

♫ Gonna bring that bird back to her lair ♫

♫ With her magic rope and her Western flair ♫

♫ She's very good at causing pain ♫

♫ And she loves to ride on the choo-choo- ♫

[Strika glares at the mariachi quartet imps before they can say "train".]

♫ Dirty-dealin', prince-stealin' ♫

♫ She's a villain, Strika! ♫

♫ She's fast and strong and tall and mean ♫

♫ The foulest imp you've ever seen ♫

♫ She'll break your bones to hear 'em crunch ♫

♫ She likes to eat pâté for lunch ♫

♫ She's Strika, hmm, ye-ye-yeah ♫

♫ She's Strika ♫

The last imp extends the notes, much to Striker's annoyance.

♫ She's Strika, she- ♫

Strika: SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M TRYIN' TO DO MY FUCKING JOB, YOU COMIN' IN HERE SINGING ABOUT ME FOR THE MILLIONTH FUCKING TIME! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, YOU FREAKS!

The terrified mariachi imps quietly ride away in the cart.

Stolas: How does one get their own theme song?

Back to Blitzo in the waiting room.

Blitzo: Soooo, nice weather we're having, huh?

Boy: (points to Blitzo) Look, mommy! They let fire toads in here!

Blitzo: The fuck did you just call me?

Mother: (to her son) It's not polite to call them that to their face, honey. Wait until we're in the car.

Blitzo: You got a problem with me, cunt?

Mother: (gasps) There is a child present, you filthy Wrathian!

Blitzo: Oh, I am not from Wrath, bitch. Also, my kid's here, too, and I don't think she would appreciate you calling her father..."things".

Loona:

Mother: (turns to Muffy) Is there any way we can reschedule for a time when less of the unemployed rabble are out?

Blitzo: Oh, please. I bet the hardest work you've ever done is convincing your husband that little shit's his.

Blitzo points to the boy whose eyes start to water.

Mother: Oh, yeah? And what do you do that's so important?

Blitzo: Me? Oh, I kill people. How does a two for one special sound, whore?

Blitzo pulls out his flintlock pistol and points it at her.

Muffy: Mr. O, the doc will see your hound now.

Blitzo strangles the mother and the boy with his arm and then shoves them to the floor. He brushes off his suit and carries Loona into the room, blowing a raspberry behind him.

The next scene shows You, Moxxie , Millie pulling up to a gas station in the desert.

Moxxie: Crumbs! We'll grab the gas. Millie, go and see if anyone's seen Strika anywhere.

You get out of the van as a biker gang pulls up. The bikers notice you and Moxxie.

Biker: Hey, queer boys! You stealin' my hat?

Moxxie: What?

Biker: Same hat.

Y/N: Ok, and? My mom put this on me so my face wouldn't get unburned. It's not like you owning that even means significant 

The biker gets into your face.

Biker: (angrily) Saaame. Haaat.

Moxxie: (sighs) So, we're doing this, huh?

You punch one of the bikers in the gut, followed by a right hook, as Moxxie latches onto the face of another, making angry Possum noises.

Millie approaches the Mariachi Band

Millie: Howdy, boys! Y'all seen this motherfucker riding around here?

Millie shows the band a drawing of Strika firing a gun. You and Moxxie are shown fighting the bikers in the background

Quartet: ♫ She's galloping- ♫

Millie: No, NO! No singing! Just a yes or no, please.

Quartet member 2: Yeah, she lives out by the Badman Lands, in the old train tunnel near the mine shafts. Very outlaw aesthetic, ya can't miss it.

Moxxie rides on the biker leader's back and slams the biker's head on the door. He slams the biker's head through one of the van windows. He swipes his credit card before avoiding the biker's attacks. 

You dodge attacks from another biker before head butting him and conjuring a tentacle that wraps around his throat and breaks his neck.

Moxxie takes the gas nozzle and wraps the hose around the biker's throat, then pulls the biker down, puts the nozzle in the tank and leans against the van with his phone.

Millie: (curtsies) Thank you, kindly. Come on, Mox! We got a lead!

All of you get back into the van. Moxxie speeds forward, taking off the biker's head and exploding the gas station. The roof falls to the side.

The scene cuts back to Strike's hideout where she's tied up Stolas upside down on some railroad tracks. Stolas opens his eyes and spots Strika nearby using a whetstone to sharpen a Blessed Knife.

Stolas: So, my wife paid you for this, hmm? Wouldn't a holy bullet have sufficed? Or can you not afford those?

Strika: I was paid to give you the real royal treatment; your wife must REALLY hate you. (chuckles)

Stolas: You have no idea. (looks around) So. Train tracks? Really? Seems a bit clichéd, doesn't it?

Strika: It's a classic.

Stolas: Is that bizarre stature also a "classic" or...?

Camera pans to show a statue of you on your back wearing a leash while Strika rides you.

Strika: (pissed off and throws the whetstone) Are you seriously judging me right now?

Stolas: I'm just disturbed by your unhinged obsession with Y/N. You know he has multiple girlfriends, right? Who don't see him as some sort of sex slave?

Strika: He doesn't know it yet, but we're destined to be together. Those Succubi whores, those worthless Mutts, they're just distractions. (heart eyes) I'll make him see the truth sooner or later. He'll help me kill them, and then... (giggles maniacally) we'll make love on their corpses!

She places a lingering kiss on the statue of you while Stolas looks incredibly disturbed. 

Stolas: He'd never go for-

Strika stabs Stolas in the shoulder with the knife and then cuts him down.

Strika: And YOU. Don't get to talk over me! (slaps Stolas with her tail) I don't have to listen to your bullshit! (jams her foot into Stolas's shoulder wound) All you royals ever do is try to talk over us!

Stolas tries to petrify Strika, but the rope prevents his powers from working.

Strika: Don't bother trying to use your little eye trick on me; those ropes ain't gonna let you do anything. Got somethin' to say about that? Your Highness? (steps on Stolas's open wound once again)

Stolas: Well, you seem to be forgetting; you are working for a royal right *now*! (Stolas kicks Strika in the face)

Strika grabs Stolas's ankle and lifts up her foot to stomp on Stolas's leg, breaking it

Stolas : (grunts but doesn't show any pain) Blitzo handles me rougher than that in bed; nice try.

Put off by this, Strika stabs Stolas in the leg.

Stolas: Blitzy's knife is bigger... and hits sooooo much deeper.

Strika: (getting fed up) Being a smartass hmm? (grabs Stolas by the hair) Cause, once I split your neck open and let you choke on your own blue blood,(deploys her holy knife and threatens Stolas with it by the neck) you won't be worth any more than the tombstone you'll be buried under.

Stolas: Blitzy says far more dirtier things to me with much sharper objects at my throat.

Angered with Stolas' refusal to give in, Strika throws him to the ground and storms away to sulk. Stolas rolls over and sheds a few tears while hoping Blitzo saves him.

Back at St. An's Hospital, Blitzo and Loona are inside the doctor's office.

Dr. Somna: Welcome, Bingo. And this must be Tuna.

Blitzo: Loona, yeah. And you can hurry up, please; she isn't a fan of shots. So, let's make this quick for all our sakes.

Dr. Somna: Oho! Come, now; it can't be that bad. I see Hellhounds every day; there hasn't been one that has caused any issues.

The doctor pulls out a comically oversized syringe; Loona immediately growls and lunges at him. Blitzo quickly grabs the doctor and gets him out of the way. Loona howls soon after.

Blitzo: Yep, right there. Told you, dipshit.

The scene shifts to Andrealphus' Mansion  in the Pride Ring. The Angry Birds are having tea and Andrealphus creates several ice cubes, stirring them into his drink.

Andrealphus: So, earlier. That assassin. (playfully) Was that yooouuu?

Stella: (in a singsong voice and smiling) Guuiilty. Yes, it was.

Andrealphus: You silly minx, you (giggles). Though, you know, if your husband dies, it won't turn out well for you.

Stella: He'll be dead; why wouldn't it?

Andrealphus: (somewhat concerned) Because, my dear sister, you've already produced an heir; when he dies, his duties, his possessions, his legions, it'll all pass to.... Via.

Stella absentmindedly continues to drink without acknowledging him.

Andrealphus: (annoyed) So...if you kill him, you would....hm?

Stella: Laugh? HA-

Andrealphus: (facepalms in anger) No, you stupid cow! You'd get nothing! Ugh... You're so lucky you're attractive.

A/N: You're right about the stupid cow part, but...maybe don't call your own sister attractive. 

Stella: Well, what do you propose we do? He won't leave me anything willingly; he hates me almost as much as I hate him.

Andrealphus: Hmm. Well, this kind of situation is extremely unique; a Goetia has never behaved like this before. (stands up from his chair and walks behind Stella) But, with him alive, we have options. Opportunities. An eternity's a long time, my dear; I say we bide our time, and wait for our chance to... GAIN the upper hand.

Stella: (begins to pout and whine) Oohhhhhh, but I want him dead so badly!

 Andrealphus: And he will be, in time, my fiery vixen.

A/N: STOP!

Andrealphus: But, patience first; now (hands her a phone) call off your mangy stray.

Back at Strika's hideout, she throws Stolas down while circling him. Stolas is panting and whimpering in pain.

Strika: Well, this has been fun, but every good thing has to come to an end. Shame you won't see your kid, again.

Stolas: (angrily) Don't you dare breathe a word about my daughter.

Strika: Ohh. Finally hit a nerve, huh?

Stolas: I swear, if you go near her, I will destroy you.

Strika: (stabs Stolas in the shoulder again) Big talk. But, just that. Any last words, Goetia?

Stolas: (weakly) Blitzo will-

Strika: That rodeo clown told you he ain't coming; Nobody is coming.

As Strika raises the knife up to stab Stolas through the heart, she hears her phone ringing.

Strika: Yello?

Stella: (over the phone) Change of plans, darling. I need the prick alive.

Strika looks annoyed and shifts her gaze between the wounds on Stolas and her knife. Strika sits on Stolas while having a phone call with Stella.

Strika: I'm kinda in the middle of killing him.

Stolas tries to speak but Strika uses her tail to cover Stolas's mouth.

Stella: (over the phone) Well, stop it. We need him alive to get some affairs in order. I'll pay you more to spare him and bring him to us.

Strika: (sighs) Fine. But in regards to our other deal, I still get to keep Y/N as a pet after handing you that amulet, right?

Stella: (over the phone) Do with him as you will, I couldn't care less.

Strika: Yes, Ma'am.

Stella: (over the phone) Glorious. 

Strika hangs up before looming over Stolas.

Strika: Well, good news for you, Feathers. your royal cunt said she don't want you dead no more. But, she didn't say what condition you had to be in.

She grabs Stolas and hovers her knife near the prince's eyes.

Strike: I think these reds might be a pretty trophy; can't have you seeing me again, can we?

A car horn is heard in the distance; Strika gets up and growls while looking for the source. Parts of the cavern ceiling begin to give away and the I.M.P van breaks through, tumbling down an embankment and as the van comes to a rest, the door opens with Moxxie aiming a rifle at Strika.

https://youtu.be/a5j2FMq9i0I

You conjure a tentacle and whip Strika's gun away from her before striking her to the ground.

Y/N: It's over, Strika.

Strika: Oh Puppy, it hasn't even begun.

She tries to sweep your legs before you jump up and she climbs to her feet.

The two of you trade blows, dodging each other, and trying to get a hit in.

Strika: (unhinged) You as turned on as I am?

Y/N: For the love of Charlie, you need help.

You perform a judo throw and she lands on her back before pulling out revolvers that M&M knock out of her hands. 

Strika choke slams them before tackling you onto the ground.

Strika: Now that I've got you right where you belong...how about you give mama a lil' kiss?

She leans in and is stopped when she notices energy radiating off of you.

Y/N: Kiss this. 

You blast her off and into the statue.

Y/N: Scythe and Sallie May are way hotter Cowgirls anyway.

Strika growls in fury and lunges pinning you against the statue, holding a knife to your throat.

Strika: Stop denying that we're meant to be together! I don't want to hurt you, but I will if I have to!

You look up at the statue and get an idea before batting Strika's hand aside and kiss her, catching her off-guard.

Strika: Woah Nellie. I-

She's cut off as you force choke her and slam her into the statue.

Y/N: You yandere piece of shit!

You conjure tentacles to bring the statue down. Strika looks up and leaps away just before it falls on her, leaving her hat behind.

Y/N: Damn it...

You look to see Moxxie and Millie leaning over an unconscious Stolas, having passed out from blood loss.

Moxxie: Oh, crumbs! We've got to get him to a hospital!

Cut to the van pulling up to St. An's.  A group of reporters stand outside, Blitzo and Loona emerge (with the former being beaten up and scratched and the latter with a cone around her neck and holding a lollipop). 

Blitzo: Oh, good. You guys actually managed to-

A horde of medical personnel and reporters trample Blitzo as they rush to the van. Two Plague Doctors open the van door and it switches to Millie looking worried as the two plague doctors put Stolas on the stretcher. Blitzo gets trample again when they wheeled Stolas inside. Blitzo sees a passing look at Stolas' tail feathers as they pass by.

Moxxie: Sir, are you alright?

Blitzo: (confused) Oh, peachy. Yeah, no. Today has been wonderful; (points to the hospital doors) what the fuck was THAT about?

Millie: Stolas got hurt, bad.

Blitzo: Stolas got what? How?... He can get hurt?

A defeated Loona saunters towards the van and falls face down in the back seat. You reach inside her cone and gently pet her.

As Stolas is in a hospital room recovering from his injuries. A heart monitor was beeping and he is surrounded by many plants; have an IV bag next to him showing blood being transferred into him. Stolas has bandages wrapped around his chest and right arm in a big cast and sling. His left leg is in a cast and propped up in a sling and right thigh is bandaged up.

Stolas hears his phone buzzing and sees a notification from Blitzo, the former starts scrolling through their prior conversations.

Stolas: I'M SORRY IF ANYTHING I SAID OR DID MAY HAVE OFFENDED YOU TONIGHT.

Blitzo: ITZ WUTEVS

Stolas: NEXT TIME YOU COME OVER, MAYBE WE CAN TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AT OZZIE'S?

Blitzo: Y?

Stolas: I'M SORRY! NEVERMIND, IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL. I WAS JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOU. YOU SEEMED VERY UPSET AND YOU TOOK OFF SO FAST. BUT MAYBE I READ TOO MUCH INTO THAT, I'M GLAD IF THAT'S NOT THE CASE. I WASN'T UPSET EITHER, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU WEREN'T AND OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN HANDLE ANY STUPID JOKE A CLOWN CAN MAKE. ASMODEOUS CAN BE VERY INVASIVE IN HER HUMOR, BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY MYSELF. WHAT SHE SAID ABOUT ME AT LEAST, I ENJOY BEING THE SUBJECT OF JEST. MAYBE YOU CAN SAY MEAN THINGS TO ME TOO NEXT TIME YOU COME OVER.

Stolas: IF YOU WANT?

Blitzo: SHUR

Stolas: THANKS FOR HELPING ME WITH VIA TODAY, YOU WERE GREAT IN THAT HUMAN SHOW.

Blitzo: NP

Stolas: ARE YOU COMING OVER TONIGHT WITH THE BOOK?

Blitzo: LYKE OLWAYS

Stolas: IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE COMING, THAT'S OK! I'M SURE I CAN DO WITHOUT IT FOR ONE MONTH. :)

Blitzo: K

Stolas: DO YOU PLAN TO VISIT TOMORROW? I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN BUSY, AND WORKING HARD. MAYBE IF YOU'D PREFER, WE CAN SKIP THE BEDROOM AND JUST RELAX, MAYBE? I'M SURE YOU NEED A BREAK.

Blitzo: WUTEVR YOU WANT, ITS UR NIGHT

Stolas: IF YOU'RE NOT UP FOR IT, OR TOO TIRED, THAT'S PERFECTLY FINE. NO PRESSURE, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING WITH THE GRIMOIRE TILL NEXT MONTH.

Blitzo: MAE BEE

Stolas: MAYBE INSTEAD OF OUR USUAL ARRANGEMENT ON THE FULL MOON WE COULD PROPERLY CATCH UP THIS WEEK? MAYBE MONDAY?

Blitzo: I MITE B BSUY

Stolas: I WOULDN'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU!

Stolas: YOU CAN ALWAYS DROP OFF THE BOOK ON THE FULL MOON AND I CAN LEAVE IT FOR YOU IF YOU ARE TOO TIRED TO DO ANYTHING...

Stolas: BUT, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU.

Blitzo: K

Blitzo: GIT BEVVER SWOON :(

He weakly smiles when Blitzo sends a get well soon message.

Stolas: THANK YOU, BLITZ, THAT MEANS A LOT. I MIGHT BE HERE FOR A WHILE, IF YOU EVER WANT TO VISIT.💜

After responding that Blitzo's free to visit while he's recovering, Stolas sees Blitzo typing a message but does not send it. His smile fades as he dejectedly puts his phone down and rolls over as several flower petals slowly fall on his nightstand as the prince falls asleep.

End of Chapter