The scene opens with a shot of  Imp City that slowly zooms in on the IMP Building. The sound of the busy streets can be heard in the background. The scene transitions to a closed door labeled "IMP Headquarters", with a crude sign made from a sheet of notebook paper that reads, "Meeting in progress" with a smiley face drawn next to it. The light flickers as the camera zooms in on the door. Inside, Blitzo is walking in front a whiteboard on the wall as he lectures his employees.

Blitzo: Alright. Now, I know business has been... a bit slow lately, yes. It's no one's fault, okay? I'm not naming any names here... *looks at Moxxie* Moxxie.

Moxxie gives him an incredulous look in response.

Blitzo: Now, does anyone have... any bright ideas on how we can get business drummin' up again?

Millie: *eyes sparkling* What about a car wash?

Blitzo: This is Hell, Millie. No one cares about cars being clean here, okay? *thinks for a second* Wh- Ooh! What about a billboard?

He waves his hands with an enthusiastic flair as sparkles fly out.

Moxxie: *rolls eyes* We can't afford a billboard, sir.

Blitzo: *wraps his arm over Moxxie's shoulder* Helpful, Moxxie. Really glad you're in the room right now. *pushes Moxxie away* Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?

Blitzo turns on a TV that shows the I.M.P. crew brutally murdering people from the overworld as they are paid to do. Blitzo whacks a man in the face with a mallet, Moxxie is blown away firing a shotgun through the mouth of a man tied to a chair, Loona swings a man back and forth in her mouth and Millie decapitates someone with a harpoon and laughs.

The camera then cuts to you. You are shown resembling a Hellhound/Imp hybrid with cloven hooves, white dog ears with black stripes, Imp horns, sharp canines, a floofy tail, and have an amulet featuring Cthulhu.

Then, it zooms out to everyone watching the TV, with you, Loona, Millie, and Blitzo eating popcorn. Loona is shown nuzzling her cheek against yours.

Blitzo: Ah, those were the good times.

Y/N: It was literally last month, when I fell through that portal thanks to you.

Flashback

IMP is having a different meeting with Blitzo attempting to read from the Grimoire, causing a portal to open in the ceiling. 

Moxxie: Is...something supposed to happen, or-

He's cut off as you fall through the portal crash on top of the table.

Y/N: ...Ow...

You take in the three demons in front of you and start freaking out.

Y/N: Woah, woah, woah! The three of you stay the fuck away from me! 

Moxxie: Sir-

Y/N: Is this Hell?! Am I in Hell?! Why?! I'm a good person!

Millie: (trying to comfort you) It's alright, sugar. We're not gonna hurt-

Y/N: What the fuck is going on?!

The door to the office opens and Loona walks in.

Loona: Can you keep it down? I can barely hear my- Y/N?!

Much to your surprise, a swirl of blue fire and the Hellhound turns into someone you never expected to see in this realm...your girlfriend.

Y/N: Loona?! What are you-

You're cut off as Loona hugs you tightly.

Loona: What are you doing here?!

Y/N: I fell straight through some portal that came out of nowhere. 

Blitzo: Excuse me, still here. Loonie, you know this weirdo?

Loona: (taking your hand) Yeah...he's my boyfriend.

The Imps collectively spit-take.

Blitzo: You have a boyfriend?!

Moxxie and Millie: Someone actually wants to date you?!

Loona: What? You guys never let me come on missions, and I get bored. So a few months ago, I went up to earth to get a coffee, and that's where I met Y/N and something just clicked. He's one of the few people who...really gets me. 

Y/N: We started off as friends and started dating a couple of weeks ago. 

The two of you in your apartment, sitting on the couch and laughing at a dumb horror movie with her leaning her head on your shoulder.

You then notice her eyes on you before she blushes slightly and starts leaning in.

You meet her half-way, before she pushes you onto your back and initiates a very heated make-out session.

In the first flashback.

Y/N: So, Loona...you're-

Loona: A Hellhound. (shifts back into her regular form) I'm so sorry, Y/N. I felt bad for keeping this from you, but...there are rules about demons being on earth. We can't reveal ourselves.

Y/N: I get it. The last thing I'd want is for you to get in trouble for dating me.

Loona hugs you before changing back into her regular Hellhound form.

Loona: (playing with her hair) So, uh...do you still like me as a Hellhound? 

You kiss her gently.

Y/N: Does that answer your question?

Loona: (pulls you closer) Fuck yeah!

Imps: Still here!

In the present

Moxxie: I don't need any reminding, sir. Considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week. One that you then additionally paid to have run for a full three hours on a channel... nobody watches.

Blitzo: Uh, hey. Excuse me? What's "obnoxious" about a super-fun jingle, alright? It's a fun distraction when an advertisement's spittin' bullshit!

Millie: People love musicals, sir.

Blitzo: Exactly, Millie! And we're basically doin' a musical. *does jazz hands* Are you gonna crush my musical theatre dreams like my dad did?

Moxxie: Sir--

Blitzo: 'Cause, right now? All I see is just my dad's asshole talking to me! Crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside.

Y/N: Kinda reminds me of my mom.

Millie: Are you tryin' to crush his dreams, Moxxie?

Moxxie: I-- What?

Millie: *flirtatiously* I thought I knew you.

She playfully sticks her tongue out at him as Moxxie blushes and rolls his eyes affectionately.

Blitzo: I can't believe you, Moxxie!

He tearfully holds up an employee of the month plaque with Moxxie's picture on it.

Blitzo: After I made you employee of the month!

Moxxie: *defeated* Okay, sir! I'm sorry; a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theatre. Nobody actually likes the jingles!

Millie: I liked it.

Moxxie: Do not-- *points at Millie* Do not agree with him in front of me!

The scene cuts to the I.M.P. commercial.

https://youtu.be/fLVQ2LVN1tA

Cuts to a hospital operating room. The boy is wheeled in on a hospital bed by a doctor, a pink-haired nurse, and a blue-haired nurse.

Pink-haired Nurse: *in masculine voice* Doctor, he's not responding!

Blue-haired Nurse: Cool water, stat!

The pink-haired nurse whacks the boy in the face with a bucket of water, doing nothing but leave a large welt on his face.

Blue-haired Nurse: It didn't do anything!

The boys tongue flops down from his mouth.

Doctor: Dammit! I'm not losing another one.

Everyone has their defibrillator paddles over the boy.

Doctor: CLEAR!

They all zap the boy and he wakes up.

Eddie: *gasps*

Doctor: Holy shit! It actually worked.

You, Blitzo, Millie, and Moxxie are waiting outside the boy's hospital room. Blitzo is reading a magazine, you are texting with Loona, and Millie comforts Moxxie, who looks devastated. The doctor comes out of the room with a clipboard.

Doctor: He appears to be in stable condition, but he'll need surgery. *looks up from clipboard* Now, what insurance provider do you freaks have?

Blitzo: The fuck is insurance?

A shot of the outside of the hospital is shown, as a window breaks and the boy's hospital bed flies out. The boy is unconscious in the bed, while Millie, Moxxie, Blitzo, and you are holding on for dear life as you plummet screaming to the ground. The bed is stopped by a rope that has become tangled around Blitzo's foot. Blitzo slams his face into the bed, the rope snaps, and you all continue to fall.

A still shot of the I.M.P. logo is shown.

Singer: ♫ Kids die for freeeeeee! ♫

The scene cuts back to the boardroom. Millie and Moxxie are sitting across from Loona, who has her feet up and is looking at a picture of the two of you on a date on Earth. You are shown caught off guard due to her kissing your cheek at the last minute.

Moxxie: I'd like to go on record and say that incident was Loona's fault. Dispatch is supposed to give us the right info on the target. It's very simple.

Loona: *not looking up* Oh, sit on a dick, Moxxie.

Moxxie: YOU sit! Sit on... a... and the... d-- DO YOUR JOB!!

Y/N: How about you stop acting like a dick to her? And I'm not just saying that because we're dating, you do act mean to her a lot and then act surprised when she fires back.

Loona: (tail-wagging) Aww, Baby...

She licks your cheek and you scratch her behind the ears.

Blitzo: Hey, now. We don't blame our screwups on Loona, okay?!

Blitzo hugs and nuzzles Loona, who snarls at him in response.

Blitzo: She didn't do anything wrooooong~

Moxxie: ...Are you kidding me, sir? She's awful!

The scene cuts to a flashback of Loona at her desk, reading a magazine called "Hellhound Monthly". Her desk phone rings with the sound of a cute puppy barking as the ringtone. Loona answers.

Loona: *not looking up* Hello, I.M.P.

Millie: (on phone, panicked) Loona, I got stabbed! Call Y/N or Mox--

Loona suddenly hangs up, disinterested in the conversation. Next, she is in Blitzo's office as he presents her with a gift.

Blitzo: Happy Adoption Anniversary, Loonie! I got you a little somethin'.

Loona: Is it a cure for syphilis?

Blitzo: I... Oh...

Loona snatches the present and angrily slams it on the floor. 

Loona: THEN, I DON'T WANT IT!

A large swarm of spiders suddenly emerge from the present box and swarm Loona up to her neck.

Loona: UGHHH!

Blitzo: *suddenly hiding outside of the office window* I'm sorry! It was spiders!

Loona: *annoyed, deadpan* Goddammit.

Y/N: I got it, babe. 

You use your amulet to teleport all the spiders off of her.

Loona: Thanks, Hon.

Y/N: By the way, I got you something you might actually like. Close your eyes.

She does so and you put something in her hand.

Y/N: Ok. Now open them.

She opens it and sees a necklace featuring two wolves touching their snoots together.

Loona gasps and her tail wags.

Y/N: Do you like it-

You're cut off as Loona pounces on you with her tail-wagging and hearts in her eyes.

Loona: I love it!

She smothers you with kisses, licks, and love bites.

A/N: I saw this idea on one of Ghostriley33's stories. 

Another flashback features Loona at her desk, watching an online video of Charlie Morningstar performing "Inside of Every Demon is a Rainbow". Moxxie approaches her with a flyer for "Chub B Gone".

Moxxie: Um, e- excuse me. Did you just fax me an ad for weight loss?

Loona: No.

Moxxie: Wha-- Why- Why would anyone send me this?

Loona: C'mon... *looks up at Moxxie* You know why.

The next scene shows Loona rummaging through the break room fridge.

Loona: Whoever left the fucking... avocado salad in the fridge, I'm taking it, because I have the worst hangover right now!

Loona turns around to face Millie with a red box in hand as she shuts the fridge door with her foot. She rips off the lid and drinks the salad.

Millie: Why would you drink on a work night?

Loona: *stops drinking* I'm hungover from this morning, dumbass!

Moxxie enters the room and notices Loona with his box.

Moxxie: Isn't that my lunch?

Loona: *drops the box on the floor* Y'know what?! I can't take this assault right now! I need to blow off some-

She kicks the box at Moxxie, knocking him out of the room and surprising Millie.

Loona: -fucking steam!

Loona runs out of the break room and out into the street.

Loona: AAAAAAAAAAH!

Loona runs up to a succubus lady passing by on the other side of the street, pushing her baby in a stroller. Loona kicks the stroller high into the air and storms off, while the demon lady stands there in disbelief. The scene transitions to Loona at her desk, telling Blitzo about a caller.

Loona: Bliiiitzo! That clingy, rich asshole that gave Y/N his amulet is on the phone! Says it's urgent and wants to talk to you! Sounds a little DTF-y.

Cuts to You, Blitzo and Moxxie standing by a water cooler.

Blitzo: *throws his cup of water on the floor* Oh, GOD, it was one time! *crosses arms* If I hadn't slept with that privileged asshole, none of us would have access to the living world or Y/N's fancy amulet.

Y/N and Moxxie: *stares in stunned silence* ...You what?

The scene cuts to a flashback of Stolas sleeping naked in bed. He is hooting like an owl and there are feathers everywhere. Blitzo, who is partially nude, walks away quietly with the grimoire in hand.

Blitzo: *to himself* Got the booook, got the booook! Got this fuckin' heavy book!

Blitzo reaches Stolas' balcony and lays the grimoire on the ledge. Grunting, he attempts to step up on the ledge using the grimoire. Instead, the combined weight sends both him and the grimoire falling forward off of the balcony.

Blitzo: Oh- Oh, SHIT!!

Blitzo lands on the cake that Stella and her friends are having, splattering pieces of it all over them.

Blitzo: Oof! (to Stella) Sorry, I fucked your husband.

Another flashback shows Stolas giving you the amulet. 

Stolas: A fair bit of warning my boy, this amulet does require you to be part demon in order for its magic to work. It would also be wise for you to be this form when traversing the other rings, a lot of us Hellborn have a rather poor opinion of humans.

Y/N: I understand, your highness. 

Stolas turns to IMP.

Stolas: This will require a very small blood sacrifice.

Loona and Millie: I'll do it.

Loona: Wait, why you?

Millie: What? It's only natural that a mother figure is there for her baby.

The rest of you give her a weird look.

Stolas pricks Loona and Millie's thumbs and they let their blood fall on the amulet. He then places it in your hand.

Stolas: Now Y/N, repeat after me.

He leads you through an incantation before you're surrounded by blue fire. When the flames fade, you're in your current half-demon form.

Y/N: How do I look?

Moxxie: You look gre-

Loona: Sexy!

Millie: (hugging you around the waist) Aw, baby! You look so handsome!

At the moment, all of you hear a screeching nails on a chalkboard voice sounding like the owner is trying to do a Rita Repulsa impression.

Stella: STOL-ASS, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?! GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Stolas: (sighing) Duty calls. (forced smile) Coming, Stella!

He walks out of the room.

Y/N: ...If this was a fictional world and people pressured fanfic writers to make her a love interest in a self-insert story, I would judge them. Big time.

IMP: Agreed.

The scene cuts back to Loona at her desk.

Loona: BLIIIITZO!

Blitzo: I HEARD YOU ALREA--!

The scene cuts to Blitzo in his office, talking with Stolas, and playing with a bobblehead of Moxxie.

Blitzo: Sooooo, what can I do you for this time, Stolas?

Stolas is shown talking on his phone from a fancy mansion.

Stolas: There's a political candidate causing trouble up on Earth for a few of my associates. He's trying to convince people global warming exists!

Blitzo: Doesn't it?

Stolas: Well... yes. But, more people die if nothing is done about it. And it gets lonely here~

Blitzo: Okay, well. Yeah, that makes sense.

Stolas: (through phone) You know what happens when I'm lonely, Blitzy?

Blitzo pulls his phone away and talks to himself.

Blitzo: (under his breath) God-fuckin'-dammit.

Stolas: When I'm lonely, I become hungry. And when I become hungry, I want to choke on that red {bleeped) of yours... {bleeped) your {bleeped) and lick all of your (bleeped), before taking out your (bleeped), and (bleeped) with more teeth until you're screaming (bleeped) like a FUCKING baby--!

Blitzo, who's visibly disturbed, scene pans to his with Stolas name listed as "creepy mouth (aka one night stand bird dick) with a call total of 48 seconds. as he hangs up, a knock out noise plays. He snaps his cellphone in half, smashes it with his desk phone, tosses said desk phone away, pulls out a blender, puts the cellphone pieces in it, and blends them. Blitzo turns and hands the blender to Loona, who was standing nearby.

Blitzo: Eat this!

Loona drinks the blended cellphone mixture.

Blitzo: And then y'know that bridge over the freeway?

Loona: Yeah? [Loona raises her eyebrow as she says it.]

Blitzo: Shit off it!

The flashback ends, and Blitzo is standing by Loona.

Blitzo: Look, the point is, Loona is a valued member of our family, and we don't get rid of family.

Loona looks up from her phone and briefly smiles, touched by Blitzo's words.

Moxxie: We aren't a family, sir! You are the boss! We are the employees! You treat her like she's some troubled teenager! She's more like a meth-addicted homeless woman you let man the phones!

As Moxxie rants, Loona continues looking at her phone, slowly flipping Moxxie off.

Blitzo: That is offensive! Without homeless people, *walks over to window and raises blinds* I wouldn't have HALF the joy and laughter I do in this life!

Blitzo puts his face up against the window, cracking the glass, and sees a homeless demon, looking sad and holding up a sign that reads "Monee helps. Satan bless." A succubus is on her cellphone and turns away from the hobo. Blitzo smugly waves at him, before lowering the window blinds.

Moxxie: While we're on the subject of [makes air quotes with his hands] "family", can you stop finding me and Millie outside of work? [Moxxie makes an annoying face at the viewers.]

Millie: Come on, sweetie! It's not that big a deal! [Glass shattering noise plays as Moxxie makes a stocked face.]

Moxxie: Excuse me... [Moxxie looks at Millie] WHAT?!

The scene cuts to a flashback of Moxxie and Millie preparing dinner in their kitchen.

Moxxie: Honey, can you get me the butter?

Millie: Sure, sweetie.

Millie opens the fridge door and finds Blitzo inside as he hands her the gross, viscous butter.

Blitzo: Spoiler alert: the butter's spoiled!

Millie: *giggles*

Moxxie: *throws the diced carrots into the soup* What's funny, honey?

Blitzo: Really impressive wordplay.

Moxxie: WHAT THE--?! WHY ARE YOU IN OUR FRIDGE?!?!

Later that evening, shows a building, Inside their Moxxie and Millie are asleep in bed. The former is tossing and turning as the sound of a cat purring can be heard. Moxxie opens his eyes and sees Blitzo standing on him, looking him right in the eyes.

Blitzo: Whatcha dreamin' about?

Moxxie: I was dreaming my parents were being murdered, but now... I'd like to go back to that.

In the next scene, Moxxie is singing the end of "Oh, Millie", as Millie joins in on some parts.

Moxxie: ♫ Of all the imps in Hell, it's for her that I fell ♫

Millie (joins in): *harmonizing* ♫ It's for him that I fell ♫

Moxxie: ♫ Oh, Millie~ ♫

They close their eyes to kiss, but Moxxie notices Blitzo outside the window holding a camcorder.

Moxxie: Are you fucking filming us right now?!

The flashback ends as we cut back to the board room.

Moxxie: Just... stop... doing that!

Blitzo: *shrugs* I don't see what the issue is! There somethin' you don't want me seein'?

Moxxie: *eye twitches in anger* No!

You and Loona: snicker at the same time as Blitzo talks Blitzo: You a baby-wiener-haver?

Moxxie: Sir, what you say and how you act is totally *stands up from his chair* INAPPROPRIATE!

Millie: *lays her hand on Moxxie's shoulder* Calm down, Mox! You're gonna have another panic attack!

Moxxie: I AM CALM!

Moxxie starts whimpering in anger while looking back at Blitzo

Millie: *comforting Moxxie* Shh-shh-shh. There, there.

Blitzo: Look, I don't judge the boring couple stuff *motions his hands to imply sexual activity* you do outside work hours. So, don't... judge me!

Moxxie: Oh, I do judge you, sir! Quite a lot, actually!

Millie: Mox, he's our boss!

Blitzo: No-no-no, it's fine Mills, your husband is just... how do I say this without being offensive*smiling smugly* ...retarded.

Moxxie: Does immaturely insulting me make you feel better about your sad, single life?

Blitzo: *leans towards Moxxie* It actually does.

Camera zooms out to Loona.

Loona: The only reason you have a wife *looks away from her phone to glare at Moxxie* is because you're easy to manage!

Millie slams her hands against the table, looking at Loona with anger.

Millie: No, he's not, you *deeper tone* BITCH! *flips Loona off*

Loona growls at Millie while you try to calm her down

Y/N and Blitzo: Do not talk to my girlfriend/receptionist that way! She's sensitive!

Loona: [*snaps at Millie*] Yes, I am!

Eddie: (offscreen) You guys are all fucking assholes.

Blitzo, Moxxie, Millie, and Loona's eye all widen in surprise. They look at Eddie, the boy Moxxie accidentally shot earlier. Eddie is lying on a table with three wires from a heart monitor attached to his stomach.

Blitzo: Oh, shut up, kid! You're lucky to witness this!

Moxxie: *pinches bridge of his nose* Ugh, this company is such a mess!

Blitzo: Alright, let's get back to talking about my outfit.

Y/N: Nobody was talking about that!

Blitzo: Which is why I'm tryin' to get that ball rolling. So, how does it look? It's good, right?

Eddie: *points at Blitzo* It's been a literal hell *detaches the tubes of the heart monitor* having to pretend to be paralyzed so you fuckshits wouldn't kill me! But, now I want that. I want death!

He once again points at Blitzo.

Eddie: You are a selfish, greedy clown. And I'm a kid! We're supposed to like clowns! Even the creepy ones!

Moxxie: Hey, now! That's not very--

Eddie interrupts Moxxie, intimidating him.

Eddie: If I wanted to hear from a spineless jackass, I'd rip out your spine and ask you some shit.

Millie slams her hand on the table, the other gesturing at Moxxie.

Millie: That's my husband you're talkin' to!

Eddie: *laughs* That's your husband?!

Moxxie and Millie snarl at Eddie.

Eddie: I figured you for a slut. But, I didn't know you needed dick that bad!] *points at you and Loona* And you!

Loona: What? *looks up from her phone* What about us?

Eddie: Nothing. *crosses arms* I don't talk to dogs or dog furries. I'm a cat person.

Loona gives a wide-eyed glare, whines at Eddie with anger, and goes back to looking at her phone.

Blitzo: Wow. Ah, y'know, kid, you kind of are a piece of shit.

Everyone, in unison: *softly* Yeah. He's kind of a piece of shit.

Loona's eyes widen as she receives a text message.

Loona: Oh, fuck! Guys, I just got a text from our client! Guess he was the right target after all.

Blitzo: Who?

Loona: *points at Eddie* Him.

Eddie: (in disbelief) Me?

Loona: *smugly, without looking up* Yup.

Blitzo: They wanted us to kill an actual child?

Loona: That's what they're sayin'.

Blitzo: ...Well, Christ on a stick. I guess there is a God.

Blitzo draws a flintlock pistol and fires it at Eddie, killing him instantly.

Eddie: OWWWW! [crashes into the wall as he gets shot, covers a spot with blood as he says this, landing on the table while his eyes turn to Xs]

Then blood covers the screen, then reveals Blitzo and Moxxie kicking Eddie's corpse, Millie stabbing him, you punching him, and Loona recording everything on her phone.

Blitzo: (voiceover) Y'know, folks? With this company, I really wanted to prove that we're capable of doing the same things anyone else can. Like killing people!

You, Blitzo and Moxxie are shown wearing full hazard gear, dismembering Eddie's body with a hacksaw and chainsaw respectively. Blood splats on the screen again, then shows the group by a dumpster putting Eddie's body parts in a garbage bag.

Blitzo: (voiceover) So, from us here at the Immediate Murder Professionals group, we promise to settle your unfinished business or your money... is gone and you're never getting it back, and you can write us a bad review but we'll play dumb to it, because it's Hell and no one fuckin' cares.

As Blitzo does the voiceover, he hugs Moxxie, Millie, You and Loona, the latter's phone flying out of her hands.

Blitzo: Y'know, even though this kid was a target... he's still a child. And it's important that *wraps his tail lovingly around the group* we handle this going forward respectfully.

The group all smile as the scene cuts to a newscast, showing Eddie's mother tearfully holding up a bad drawing of her son. A male news reporter holds a microphone up to her, looking disinterested. The headline on screen says, "Mom sucks at drawing own kid", while the ticker bar constantly reads "There is a missing boy! Yet another missing kid!"

Eddie's mother: *sobbing* Please! If anyone has seen my little Eddie, please contact us at-- [Eddie's bloody body bag suddenly falls into her arms.] *terrified* OHHH!

Eddie's mother and the news reporter look up in shock as the camera follows their gaze. Blitzo, Moxxie, You and Millie are shown looking down on them through a portal.

Blitzo: *smiles and waves* You're welcome!

The four of you disappear in the portal as it closes.

End of chapter.