It was November and I hadn't seen Eugene for some days, so one morning when I opened the door to Eugene in his room, dressed in a fancy rich blue and golden patterned vest paired with a navy satin cravat, I was surprised.

He stood up from his seat when I entered, leaning on his cane. It might've being my imagination, but he seemed to be much better at standing up now.

"Miss Shuyan! Good morning, I've been waiting for you." He seemed even more enthusiastic than usual.

"Good morning, Master Eugene. You seem to be in a good mood today, and you're all dressed up."

"Yes. I finally received the clothes I ordered a few weeks ago."

"Oh, that's wonderful."

"I've also ordered a new outfit for the Christmas Ball." He sat down again. "How did Sunday with Tobias go?"

"It was a surprising day," I said, thinking of the crazy events that transpired. It seemed like so long ago, not only yesterday.

"Did Tobias get into fight with someone?" Eugene asked, frowning. "In the end he never told us what happened—not even me." I was surprised he didn't know.

I turned around to fix his bed. It was probably fine to tell him.

"Master Tobias didn't fight—well, he did, but it's not what you think," I said quickly. "Some drunk men in the train were mocking me when Master Tobias hit them."

"Tobias hit them first? That's strange, he was never that type of person. Was there anything else?"

He knew Tobias too well.

"Yes. That wasn't the only reason."

"What is the other?" He sounded confused.

"He's mad at Mister Silas."

"Something happened, didn't it?" Eugene's voice lowered. "No one tells me no matter who I ask, but I can tell something happened recently. They don't talk at breakfast or dinner."

I tried to ignore him, but he kept pleading with me.

"Shuyan," he said, for the first time without honorifics, "please tell me. I can't stay in the dark like this. I need to know what happened between Silas and Tobias that was bad enough to make Tobias angry."

I finished making his bed, but kept my back turned to him. I knew I couldn't say it while facing him.

"It's a silly reason, really."

"What is it?" After a long pause, he asked, "Is it about you?" I stopped moving and smoothed down my skirt, wishing the words could come out as casual as possible.

"A few days ago Mister Silas brought me to his room at night—and he hurt me."

"What?"

I felt Eugene grab me and I turned around, ready to pacify him, but I stopped once I saw his face.

He had on an expression I've never seen before. A scary expression.

His brows were pressed together, his eyes wide open to the part the whites filled his eyes, and most of all, that glint in his eyes—I couldn't recognize him.

The previous happiness had evaporated in an instant.

I wished I hadn't said anything.

"Master Eugene?"

His fingers held my arm tighter. I winced.

"What did he do to you?"

"He—" I struggled to explain it, "he was mad, and argued with me—"

Eugene pressed his face close to mine, to the point I could see his pupils, and the quivering in his irises.

"Your face is bruised."

I remember Clo mentioning a mark on my face, but I had brushed it off, saying it was my skin flaring up from the salty food.

"It's not as bad as it sounds," I whispered, suddenly aware of our breaths mingling. I tried to step back, but he held on fast to me.

"Tell me what happened. Why did he bring you to his room?" I gulped.

"He wanted to have a conversation with me." My voice was low. I was trying hard to stay calm under his wary gaze. "He poured me wine, but I didn't drink."

"And?"

"And then we talked about you." I wanted it to end already. "He told me you weren't fit to be heir and then grabbed my face, but Master Tobias and Rudy came in quickly afterwards, so I was released."

I had changed the story. Left our the part about being thrown to the floor and being scared for my life. Then I tried to smile.

"I'm really fine, Master Eugene." I stepped back from him, and his hand, this time, released me. But his eyes were still on me.

He had calmed down, but replacing the fury was something melancholic and lonely.

"I didn't know about it at all."

"Of course you didn't, no one did. It's not your fault." I went to pick up his sheets. "I'll be going now, Master Eugene."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

I stopped in my tracks, unable to turn around.

"It's fine, really. Master Tobias protected me. He warned Mister Silas to not hurt me again, and yesterday in the train he helped me too." I laughed a small laugh, hoping it would ease him too.

"And there's Rudy and Matheus. They are always by my side, too, and helping out with finding information about Lord Adam Beardsley. I'm perfectly safe."

Then he whispered what I never bought I would hear.

"It sounds like you rely on Tobias more than me."

I grimaced. That wasn't it. I had hurt him.

"It's not that, Master Eugene," I said, suddenly finding it tiring to speak to him. "You just weren't there that day. Nor in the train."

And it was so hard to explain to him it, too. How the truth was that day, on the train, I was afraid. How I wished he was there with me. How even worse, when Silas was there, and the door opened, I wanted it to be Eugene there.

But of course it wouldn't.

It wasn't his fault, but I knew it couldn't be.

He couldn't protect me.

"You still should've told me," he argued. "I would've also said something to Silas! Have him keep his hands off you—"

"It's fine!"

I stopped, realizing I had cut him off. I had never done that to anyone before, or at least since I was a child. I never spoke over someone or cut them off.

I gritted my teeth.

I hated myself.

"Don't you see," I said, opening the door, "you can't protect me. We can never be equals." I stepped out of the room and closed the door behind me, locking all the black, hazy feelings inside of me along with Eugene in his room.

With this, he'll understand.

We can never be equals.

We can never be anything more than master and servant.

***

"Shuyan, you don't look very good," Beth said during dinner. "Do you feel sick?"

"I'm fine," I said, trying to be casual, but knocked over my glass of water by accident, spilling it onto Rhiannon. "I'm sorry!"

"It doesn't matter, it's only water," she replied and wiped herself down, and then the table.

"Fine? That doesn't look fine to me," Clo said. She leaned over to inspect my face, but I faced my plate and immersed myself in my meal.

"Stop bothering Shuyan. Everyone has a lot on their minds, I'm sure," Mister Kupka said from the head of the table. "Even Master Tobias. He has those horrible injuries and still won't tell a soul what happened."

"He probably got into a fight," Harper said. He was spot on.

"That pampered rich boy? Why would he?" Beth asked.

"Maybe he got drunk in a pub."

"Master Tobias isn't that sort of person," Rudy spoke up for him, brows creased. "I'm worried sick over it."

"Wasn't Shuyan with him yesterday? What exactly happened?" Holden asked, turning my way. Everyone followed. Today I had suddenly became the talk of the household, and there couldn't be worse timing.

"I only met him on the train by accident," I said. "And he already had those injuries by that time."

That was the story me and Tobias had decided to stick to. Thankfully Tobias didn't ride first-class often, so it wasn't too much of a stretch to say we met on the same train. However, there were still suspicious looks my direction.

"So did you buy what you needed from town?" Rhiannon asked. I had forgot about that part, and didn't know what to say. I didn't have anything else written out.

"Yes."

"Let's leave her alone," Rudy spoke, not impolitely, but softly, like he was trying to steer them away. "Shuyan and I shopped together yesterday, but I went home earlier because I got a migraine."

"I told you to rest on your days off," Mister Kupka scolded. "You're asking for trouble, let me say! And girls, I forgot to mention, but you will be going to town in two weeks."

"What!" Beth shouted, eyes sparkling.

"What for?" Rhiannon asked, more calmly.

"Since when?" Beth added.

"And who decided this?" Clo hissed.

I was stunned too. I was going on a lot of trips outside, and there was certainly more days off then what I expected from such a big house.

"One by one, girls," Mister Kupka said.

"Fine, so who decided this," Clo repeated herself.

"The masters. Specifically, Mister Silas and Master Eugene."

"What?" I was stunned. "Why?"

"Slow down," Mister Kupka said. "It's for the Christmas Ball they will be holding on Christmas Eve. They haven't decorated the manor for a long time, and they want the opinion of the maids here as they will be inviting several young women too." My heart stung for a moment.

"Young women?" Beth said, slowly. "Why?"

"The Beardsleys will try and invite all the noble families. They want to make a good impression on the young generation, so they want the opinion of young people, especially girls."

"Reasonable enough," Rhiannon said. "I doubt any of the valets or cooks here would be a good choice." Beth stifled her laughter.

"But because there will be a lot of shopping, and you will be using the Beardsley's money to buy it, some masters will come along."

My eyes widened.

Some masters were coming along?

"Is Master—I mean, which masters are coming?" I asked. I didn't know if I would be able to stomach it if Silas came, but I wanted to go with Eugene.

Wait, no, he couldn't go. He couldn't walk. Furthermore, I had said such awful things to him today. What was I thinking?

"Master Tobias, Master Augustin, and Master Valentin," Mister Kupka listed off.

"Fools. They are making so much of a fuss for a Christmas Ball," Phillip grumbled.

"Don't become Scrooge," Matheus warned teasingly, earning another grumble from Phillip.

"Who's that?" Beth asked.

"A character from Charles Dickens's story A Christmas Carol," Rhiannon answered without batting an eye.

"Either way, be ready in two weeks. Although the masters will talk to you, don't go overboard and cross any lines," Mister Kupka said.

"Yes," Rhiannon and I answered, while Clo sighed.

"How many times have I heard this speech?"

"I have a question," Beth said.

"What is it?"

"For the Christmas Ball, we are allowed to dress up, aren't we?" Her eyes were big and hopeful.

Mister Kupka frowned, but then Harper spoke.

"The servants are invited to the Christmas Ball, and it's tradition the females and males all dance together, regardless of status."

"Then the answer is yes," Clo answered for Mister Kupka, smirking. "Then Beth, let's go look through some fashion catalogues tonight!"

"Yes!"

I watched as the girls laugh and giggle, even Rhiannon looking amused at them having maneuvered Mister Kupka's rules, but inside my chest that feeling was there.

I thought of how I would be dancing with the men of Beardsley, and I remembered Master Eugene's smile as he told me how he was practicing dancing for the ball, his face as he told me about his outfit, and then today, those words I told him—

"...we will never be equals."

Despite being in a room full of people, I had never felt lonelier.