The hotel is not what Cassidy would have thought, it is an elegant yet simple building. It has green shrubs all around the perimeter and golden arches at the main entrance. There is a small restaurant to the left of the main lobby where a surprised Sierra had agreed to meet her at exactly 11:00 am. Cassidy is early because she always is, her motto is to always be 15 minutes early to everything and her expectation is that everyone else should be early too. Sierra isn't early, Sierra is never early, if she remembers correctly she likes to be rushing to the deadlines, the meetings, the dinners.
She orders an espresso and waits for 7 minutes past 11:00 for Sierra to pull up the chair next to her and smile.
« Cassidy. »
Cassidy looks up and smiles.
« Good morning Sierra. Thank you for meeting me. »
« I was surprised. Blake told me you arrived yesterday? » Sierra asks.
This time there is no glance between them, but there is tension in the room as both women are uncomfortable.
« I did. I brought my daughters. » She nods.
She says it as an explanation, as an excuse but there is more to her statement. There is the implication that the girls accept Samantha, that they wanted to see her, that Samantha and all three of them are a family.
When Cassidy brings up her daughters in the conversation, Sierra feels obliged to show some respect about what she had read on the cover of Page Six.
« My condolences for William. I can't imagine how the three of you must be feeling. » Sierra says in a quiet tone.
Cassidy nods again sadly.
« Thank you. Time has passed since and the girls are still mourning but they are better. They were very happy to see Samantha. » Cassidy explains.
« That is very sweet. » Sierra smiles. « I'm glad they like Sam so much. Do they like all your assistants? »
Her statement is sarcastic, passive and not acceptable. Cassidy wants to bite back but she is not playing that game anymore, if she has called to meet Sierra it is to talk like adults.
« Samantha was much more than a simple assistant. » Cassidy states in a calm and passive tone, she knows what she is doing.
Sierra inhales air and sighs.
« Then why did so much happen? You left clearly in the middle of the night promising for an explanation that you barely gave her back in New York. What do you want Cassidy? You broke her heart and left her for months, and now that she is dying you show up again like nothing happened and then you ask to see me for what? What exactly do you want from my family? » Sierra questions harshly.
« It is not because I did it that I don't regret it. If I left Shelbyville it's because seeing you there was unexpected, finding out you were her mother even more. I lost all my senses when I saw you, I didn't know what to do because I had buried you somewhere in my mind and I would never have thought I'd ever see you again. »
She's interrupted by the young waiter dropping off the coffee that Sierra had apparently ordered. The Gates matriarch nods and thanks him.
« And then? » Sierra says to encourage the editor to go on in her explanations.
« Then I panicked and the only right thing to do seemed to be going back to New York. The situation was too odd, too uncomfortable and somehow I knew it would be too much to handle for Samantha. And a bit too much for me too, to be honest. I have always been a guarded person, so more after you. I didn't want those brief days to weigh on Samantha's shoulder. »
Sierra nods.
« So you broke her heart as your relationship had just splashed over the newspapers and you went back to your good old life then? » Sierra asks bitterly, every single of her words are meant to be this way.
« I never wanted to make her suffer, believe me it was my biggest fear from the start. I thought ending our relationship before she would be too emotionally attached was the right thing. I did what seemed to be best for both of us. » Cassidy states with full honesty. Sierra is fidgeting her fingers.
« And was it? The best for both of you? »
Cassidy tilts her head down as she looks away.
« Now I know it was not. » The editor mumbles.
There is a long pause, Sierra taps her hands on the wood tables covered in white cloth. She watches Cassidy takes a sip of the tiny cup in her hands and it reminds her of Paris.
« Did you ever feel the same for me? » Sierra suddenly asks.
Cassidy was prepared for a question like that, she knew it would come. She knew they would have to talk about the past before she could be free for the future. She was prepared for it, yet it still caught her by surprise. Before she fell in love with Samantha, she would have said yes, she felt the same for Sierra. She always thought she was madly in love with Sierra, that until she met the younger Gates and understood what real love was like, how it felt like paradise and not like hell, how it felt to be treated and loved like she deserved to. She understood what she felt for Sierra was not love, not the real one, not the one you want to give up your entire life for. There was feelings, but not much more. She was only 23 when she met Sierra, what did she know about love? Nothing. Now she knows.
« I thought I did for a long time. I mean, I think at some point I felt the same. Because you were like my first love. I always felt something for you but when I met Samantha I realized it was not love. I don't mean to be rude on any level, I just think that when I met Samantha I realized the person that loves you won't treat you the way you treated me, Sierra. You played with my feelings because I was young and naive, you made me believe we were something for a week and then you simply left and got married. As much as I respect you, this is not the way you treat someone you love and someone that loves you back. All those years you made me believe it was all my fault, that you left because you realized I was simply not good enough or I don't even know why. Samantha, she... She made me understand what real love was. »
Sierra nods, there is hurt splashed across her face. She looks down at the black coffee in front of her and adds sugar.
« I am going to date her Sierra. »
The words are a statement, there is no room for interpretation, no reason for questions.
« When she wakes up, if she wants to I am going to date her. I am going to ask her to come home with me, like we had planned. I just want to make sure she won't lose her mother over it. I would feel very bad if so. » Cassidy's words are kind but finite.
Sierra looks down at her beige slacks and her peals blouse and her hands with one chipped nail on the left. The tables always turn.
Sierra smiles, she's trying hard to hold the tears. She knows this is what it is. She told Frank on the flight there, she saw it. She saw the adoration in her daughter's eyes as they arrived in Shelby. She recognized the panic in Cassidy's eyes, the panic of losing Samantha.
« Though I have a doubt she would agree to talk to me again now, you never lose your mother. » Sierra answers softly with a sarcastic chuckle.
There is a truce, a moment of sort. Cassidy drinks her coffee.
She folds her blazer sleeves up to fill up the silent void and looks down at her own deep purple dress underneath the black blazer. She loved that outfit, it gave her security.
« I just want to know. What would have happened if I didn't tell you I was going to marry Frank in Paris? » Sierra asks drawing her out of her thoughts.
« I don't know, I will never know Sierra. I spent my entire life wondering that in my head over and over, but the truth is, I don't want to speculate anymore, I am tired of it. If it happened it is probably for the best, look what you and I have become after Paris. I have got the career many would kill for, I have two amazing daughters, I have a few great friends that have managed to stick with me through thick and thin. I have gotten so lucky. And then I got Samantha. I don't know if it can be wrong or right. I don't know if she will want this forever but I know I want it forever with her. I love her like I've never loved anyone else. And you... You got married to Frank, whom you seem very happy with right? And you got a wonderful daughter. Do you think such wonderful things would have happened if we actually gave each other a chance? »
There is a long silence, Sierra looks down at her coffee that she has not finished yet. She clicks her tongue, processing. She knows Cassidy is right, she knows they were not meant to be and things are better this way.
« I... I was angry. At you. At Sam. » She starts. « I don't feel anything for you anymore, I love Frank and I have loved him for many years. But the thought of you loving my own daughter more than you ever loved me... I don't know, I guess I was just jealous. And a little bit drunk too. » She chuckles softly. « But to be honest I think seeing you for the first time in years in my house, with my daughter, it had woken up something in me. But now I realized that what could have been between us will always remain unanswered and it is for the better. »
Cassidy half smiles at Sierra. This is a huge step forward, this conversation has gotten to where Cassidy wanted it to go when she called Sierra to meet her. Sierra would never have told her that if they didn't meet, that's for sure. Silence palms them both again as Sierra finishes her cup of coffee.
« You don't need my approval or validation. Samantha has always been an independent person, she never much needed me or maybe she did and I was a bad mother. She would contradict me for you at any moment. »
« Sierra. » Cassidy wants to contradict her but Sierra keeps talking.
« She would and that is okay. That doesn't mean she doesn't love me right? Seriously, I know now that what we had in Paris was just a few days, nothing more. What you have with Sam is much more than that. »
Cassidy nods gladly.
« I have shared things with her that I have never shared with anyone else. » Cassidy says as an approval of what Sierra is saying.
Sierra smiles, she knows the love Cassidy feels for Samantha is the love her daughter deserves.
« You might not need my approval but you still have it. I will always be Samantha's mother; whether, she chooses a convent... Or you. »
This was easier than she thought it would be, and she is glad it is. She would have fought for Samantha if she needed, but she is glad she doesn't have to do it.
« Thank you. » Cassidy mumbles softly.
« If she wakes up... » Sierra starts, she is quickly cut off by Cassidy.
« When. » Cassidy corrects her immediately.
Cassidy knows, she is sure it isn't question of "if" but "when". She is sure she will wake up, she is just not sure of when.
There is a chuckle from the older woman in front of her.
« When she wakes up, I want you to make me a promise. »
« What is it? » Cassidy asks as she raises her eyebrows.
« You will make her happy. After all she went through, she deserves it. » Sierra says tilting her head as a matter of fact.
Cassidy nods as she agrees.
« Of course I promise. It was my intentions from the start. » She smiles.
« Thank you. » Sierra says.