They don't talk for three weeks after the kiss. They are busy, Samantha went to visit her parents in Illinois for Christmas, Cassidy is busy with Wardrobe and her kids.
They are not avoiding each other. Or maybe they are, without knowing it. They just don't want to deal with it.
Samantha is even more anxious than before when she visits her parent. She doesn't want to tell them she is in love with an older woman, she doesn't talk about it, blame her anxiety on leaving Wardrobe. Samantha is not searching for a new job yet, she is too busy with her thoughts. She doesn't see herself putting even more pressure on herself while she is facing the hours without Cassidy. She stays two full weeks in Shelbyville, helping her parents with the house. She doesn't get a call or text from Cassidy, and she doesn't call either. Maybe staying away from each other for three long weeks will make them realize what is happening and how it should not be happening.
Samantha flew home in New York one week ago now. New Year's Eve is approaching and she wonders if she should go to Cassidy's. She is not sure if Cassidy is still okay to talk to her after the kiss. If they didn't clarify things three weeks ago they would be forced to do it on New Year's Eve, and Samantha doesn't want to hear the woman says that they can just be friends.
She takes her phone as she lays on her bed in her favorite grey sweatpants. She opens Cassidy's contact, something she has been doing everyday. She considers calling her, but it would be too awkward after three weeks. She types a text instead.
« I don't know if I can come to the holiday party. » She writes.
She gets an answer immediately. Does that mean Cassidy has been waiting for her to text all that time? Samantha feels guilty now.
« Is that why you haven't been calling for three weeks? »
She doesn't know if her answer is an attack or an actual question.
« I visited my parents and I might have caught a cold. Sorry. » She explains.
« You can find something warm to wear. »
« I don't want to ruin the evening with my sickness. »
She is waiting for Cassidy to answer but she doesn't. She waits all day, nothing. She has offended Cassidy. Does that mean she is still coming or did she just lose Cassidy?
She tries not to think about it for the rest of day, she's busy looking for a little job on her computer. She jumps when she hears her phone ringing, sadly it isn't Cassidy's number. She doesn't know who it is. She answers the phone and apparently this is Cassidy's brand new assistant on the line. Samantha smiles when the woman tells her that; she tells herself Cassidy hasn't lost time to replace her with someone new. She isn't mad at all, of course. She does not know how she got her number until the woman tells her Cassidy told her to call her. Samantha is surprised but smiles. The woman tells her the details about New Year's Eve; 8:30pm as always and to wear something warm. Then they hang up.
Two days later there is a knock on the door. Cassidy opens it, wearing a Prada black dress and high heels. Samantha is wearing a warm brown cachmere dress, something warm as promised.
« Is that how you avoid serious conversations? I hope it wasn't a waste of friendship. »
The words are harsh and direct. They hint at annoyance, power and friendship. Samantha understands them as an ultimatum. She didn't expect anything less. Cassidy is a hurricane, she isn't a tropical sprinkle. Everything with Cassidy is all or nothing, black or white, in or out. Cassidy doesn't do half. That is the most confusing part of her sentence: Friendship. Is Cassidy willing to put it all behind and continue a friendship that clearly yearned for more? Samantha should consider it a win. She always knew Cassidy would never look at her the way she looked at Cassidy.
Samantha smiles to greet her, something the editor hasn't done before pronouncing her harsh words. She doesn't answer.
« But I am glad you decided to come. » Cassidy adds in a softier tone this time, smiling slightly.
« I don't want you to think I am avoiding conversation. » She claims.
They go inside, the table is set for two just like last year. Emily is there as well, nothing has changed.
As usual Cassidy has nursed the same glass of wine all night, while Samantha pours herself her third drink in a row. Wine is what she needs right now.
They avoid conversation at first, not because they are scared this time, but because they want to enjoy each other's company as much as possible before. They talk about Samantha's visit in Illinois, Wardrobe's scandals since she has left and Cassidy's new assistant. Samantha isn't surprised when Cassidy says her new assistant is useless and incapable.
The conversations flow as always, unstructured, enjoyable. They talk like that during dinner until 11pm when they are done. They sit on the couch with their wine while Emily is cleaning in the kitchen. Cassidy reaches for her bag on the table and pulls out a wrapped present.
« Happy late Christmas. » The woman whispers as Samantha takes it.
The gift is a book. The cover is decorated in dark green, it seems like an old special edition. It is Hamlet by Shakespeare. Samantha smiles, can't help but giggles. Cassidy remembers Samantha's passion for plays, theater and Shakespeare. Of course she remembers, how could she not?
« My god, you shouldn't have... » Samantha says, she should've got Cassidy a present too. Only she wasn't sure if they'd ever talk again.
« You don't like it? » Cassidy's smile disappear.
Samantha shakes her head.
« Of course I do. It is gorgeous. Thank you. » She whispers as she stares at her lovingly.
Samantha doesn't know where she gets that sudden confidence, a flashback of three weeks ago suddenly comes in as she leans forward to kiss the older woman on the lips. Her taste is getting better every time she touches her. She closes her eyes, enjoying the moment, trying to print it in her mind forever. Cassidy does not respond the kiss, does not reject it either. She wants to back off, but she isn't in control of her body anymore. She's like a magnet, no matter how hard she tries to push Samantha away, she'll always come back to lean and kiss her.
They break the kiss after a few seconds, both women breathing heavily. Emily is gone upstairs for a while now, they have the whole stair for themselves.
Cassidy slides her hand across to meet Samantha's. Her touch feels like velvet, as soft as wool.
« We can't do this. » Cassidy whispers.
Samantha nods.
« I know. »
Her answer is simple and Cassidy had expected it to be harder. She had expected Samantha to try and reason, stubborn young woman she is. Instead she gets ocean calm, soft ocean peace.
Samantha simply agrees and then reaches over and kisses the editor again. This kiss is different from the other ones now that they have started to get used to each other's taste, the kiss is deeper, they are in better pace. It is not awkward, Samantha moans softly. Cassidy is resting on the back of the cushion sofa, Samantha is pressing her lips against the bold red ones of the woman who was pushing her away. Their hands don't separate through the action. Cassidy uses her free hand to push Samantha closer to herself, she does want to let her go but her body isn't agreeing of that wish. It is crazy how Samantha makes her do thing she'd never usually do.
« We can't... » Cassidy attempts again after they break the kiss.
Samantha sits properly again on the couch, purses her lips.
« You are not in love with me. » She deduces, trying not to show that she is hurting.
Cassidy tries to make Samantha understand that it's just infatuation. She has been where Samantha is now. She's gotten her heart broken. She doesn't want Samantha to go through the same. Cassidy is going to hurt her. Sierra did, she hurt her. There is no other way possible.
« You are not in love with me. » Cassidy retorts, it is not meant to be a question or a deduction but it is meant to sound like an affirmation, like Cassidy knows Samantha's feelings better than Samantha herself.
« You're so very wrong. » Samantha answers like a melody, like she hasn't calculated her words before speaking, they come out like it is obvious. How can that woman be so sure of her feelings for an old heartless woman? Cassidy wonders.
Cassidy stares into Samantha's ocean eyes, it is mesmerizing as always.
« Are you in love with me? » Samantha starts again, almost in a whisper, her voice shaking as she is full of worries about the answer that might start it all or break it all.
Cassidy's eyes widen for a second, she tries not to show she is confused deep inside. Is it love she feels? Probably. Even for sure. But can she tell her? Won't it hurt her?
There is a silence for moment that balance between honesty and fear.
« Yes. » She whispers softly, nodding.
Samantha smiles slightly, then a sad face appears again.
« But you wish I was different. » She states.
She is refereeing to their age gap, probably.
« Yes. » Cassidy nods again, her words hurt like a knife going deep inside the heart.
Everything seems so wrong in their relationship yet it seems like it is perfect. Cassidy sometimes wonders if it would have been easier if Samantha was not a woman, was not twenty years younger than her, was not her old assistant. Everything would have been easier, indeed, but it would not have been the same. The particularity about this relationship is that nobody would ever understand what they have, how they manage to save each other's from loneliness everyday, only them both can understand it and enjoy it.
« Then why did you come to talk to me that night? » Samantha questions, refereeing to the night Cassidy went to Samantha's desk to have a coffee as they were both spending extra time at work. It is the night where it all started, looking back at it now is heartwarming but feels nostalgic to both women.
« I felt alone and then I saw you were alone too. I thought it might be a good idea... » Cassidy looks away and closes her eyes.
« Was it? A good idea? »
« It was. » She says as she looks at Samantha again. Her eyes are full of tears, Cassidy's heart breaks like a glass dropped on the floor.
« Is it still? »
Samantha's voice sounds like it is on the edge of breaking, yet it is filled with a slight of hope as she asks that question.
Cassidy remains quiet for a while. She inhales, clicks her tongue.
« I'll break your heart. » She whispers.
It is not a promise, it is not a threat, it is just fear. To be honest, Cassidy is more afraid that the young woman will break hers.
« No, you won't. I am not like your husband or whoever you've fallen in love with, I am not going to leave you. This is all I want. You are all I want. » Samantha says determined.
The fireworks start at midnight, just like last year, they are on the balcony. The fireworks are beautiful, colorful and warmful. Strangely they even feel warmer than they did last year. Love is probably the cause. Samantha is close to Cassidy, but not too close because she doesn't want to scare her away. Suddenly she feels a soft touch asking for permission to hold her hand, she accepts. They don't talk, but their hands tangled together says it all. The way they squeezes each other's hand each time they need to feel each other's love. The moment is beautiful, the red fireworks match perfectly their love for each other. It is beautiful. It is what love should be, beautiful. Is it going to be? Beautiful?