Pain is something I'm all too familiar with. Physically and emotionally. Some days it is inescapable, but others I can push the bad feeling aside. Today in particular is one of those days I can't seem to get away from the pain. Arguing with someone. Negativity from someone nearby. My own insecurities. All these things played part in today. The physical pain that came with just moving around didn't help anything.

Today was a day that just sucked. From losing power for 8 hours to the basic annoyance of daily life. I thought I'd be able to escape the pain for a time, but that time never came. I can merely fight it and try to ignore it, but even that doesn't always work. I can watch as many shows and listen to as many songs as I want, but as soon as a commercial or ad comes on, the pain is right back. It is nice to temporarily forget though.

I wish that I could get away from everything, but I know that isn't realistic. I wish I could just be actually happy without any outside forces, but without these medications, I fear I'll end up dead. I just wish I could exist without the pain always coming back to me. It's like a never-ending circle of suffering that I'm stuck within.

I can hardly handle my own suffering, I don't need anyone else's pain too. I get that some people need to rant to me, but I wish I could be as unaffected as others. I wish that I didn't feel everyone's pain like it's my own. I wish that people would just stop relying on me so much. I might be an adult, but I'm clearly not all mentally there. I'm not mentally ready to be where I am and who I am.

It hurts me to say that, but it's the truth. I need to be more selfish. I need to say no more. I need to learn how to do things just for myself and by myself. I need to be more independent. I need a lot of things, but I'm worried that I'm not ready for it all. I'll try to take it one step at a time, but those first steps can be the hardest. Just thinking about those steps gives me anxiety.

The anxiety I feel is ridiculous. I know that. I think the worst will happen despite no evidence of that. I just have hunches and sometimes those come true, so I fear all of the time. I fear everything. I fear everyone. I don't trust anyone, not even myself. How can I when I'm terrified of people. It's hard to exist like this. The constant fear, the constant stress, the constant panic attacks. Even small panic attacks take everything out of me.

It is getting harder every single day to keep fighting. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for everything I have and the amazing people I have around me. It's just sometimes that isn't enough. Materialistic things don't help. People trying to cheer me up just upsets me further. I don't want to rely on others. I just want to rely on myself, but I'm far from stable so that causes me even more stress and pain.

I'm a complete contradiction. I am one thing, yet I am another all at the same time. I am happy, but then again I'm not. I'm depressed but then again I'm not. Can I just pick something and stick with it, preferably happiness. It's so strange to feel everything and nothing all at once. It's hard to be this way without the stability that I clearly need. Being bipolar is kind of horrible.

I'm on medications, but I wonder if they are helping me. I can't help but wonder if I'm just faking this feeling. I can't help but think that I have been pretending for too long and it's clouded my judgment and thinking. It's honestly quite concerning and frustrating. Am I or am I not alright. Am I or am I not happy. Is everything going to go wrong, or is it all going right. Can I get some help, or am I just going to keep suffering like this forever.

I just wish that this pain would stop and that I can be truly happy. Maybe one day. I guess I'll just keep going on until then. These painful ramblings will be my life until it changes.