Ideal me

I want to be a person who can easily make small talk to someone, someone who can talk to people or for people without any problems. Someone who does not worry about the future or present and can go to sleep with ease.  I want to be someone who people can see as their role model, for example, an athlete, a dancer or an artist. I really do not care, if you can only say 'She will be successful for sure!' or just a small 'I'm proud of you.'

I want to be wanted by others not disappointed or invisible.

I want to have the confidence to speak up to let myself be seen.

I want to be strong.

Other me

Outside, the space that wakes you up and where you have to think realistically. The space where I feel small between all the others. Where not even the simplest kind of speech can easily fall out my mouth.  Where I prefer to stick to a small group of friends.  Where if you are called to read out loud or talk before a large group does not go without a single mistake or stutter. And as the giggles and whispers grow, my insecurity and fear intensify. And I always receive those nasty looks or shady smiles of people who think they can do better or are better. Where it is easier to listen than to speak. And when the choices between sitting alone or accompany myself with my small group of friend, always battle in my head.

Always being tense and alert when others are around me, afraid of being used again and just being a small or nothing in their memories. Not being remembered as a classmate just someone who was there.  I do not want to attach myself anymore to someone. 

Real-me

Home, the only place where I am who I am. Being there between those walls which I know all too well, with my annoying but sometimes nice brothers and my somewhat to overprotective and strict mother. Where my voice unconsciously speaks louder than all the others. When everybody nags at me for my voice and I continuously tell them that I can't help it. And I nag about all the unfair choices and decisions my mother makes to me and my brothers. They are the sweethearts, they are smart, athletic and social. She is proud of them, even though I try my best to even be acknowledged in my family. I did not have to repeat a year, I did not lack on my part of the household, I did everything that they asked me to do. And yet, I cannot even get a thank you or some kind of appreciation in return. Is the only thing I can talk about school or fantasy series, but nobody who actually wants to listen at home. 

Am I boring?

Is that how I should describe myself? Or am I just desperate to get any kind of respect? 

Is my mind a chaos of different kind of stories or scenes where every time the leader is someone who I want to look like or be. Strong, independent, smart and overall amazing. But who am I kidding? They refer to heroes or anime characters, which makes it basically impossible for me to achieve to look like them. It makes me just a hopeless dreamer.

A dreamer

A dreamer without goals.

A dreamer for fun.

A wandering dreamer, endless walking in different worlds in my mind and not want to go beyond what inside of me.

A dreamer who does not want to face reality.

That is who I am. 

Every time my eyes wander over words or my ears who listen to music. I can just stare for hours and not be bored by my imagination. 

I dream at day but think at night.

Sometimes I just wish that there was someone who could see what's going on in my head so they understand me more and know what to say or to do with me. 

But then again that person would most likely be the one who can destroy you the best. And leave with both my soul and mind.

When I daydream, I never see myself.

I always make a story for the character which fits my mood.

Angry --> fighting, rebellion, jealousy, a war between good and evil.

Sad -->  suffering, dying, unfairness, loneliness, frustration in any kind, coldness and tired of everything.

Happy --> sweetness, romance, cuddles, family, friends and warmth.

And it just continues and goes on and on.