Hey lovelies <3

I have been inactive for quite a long time. And while there have always been some times where I have been more active than other times, this was actually a time where Wattpad didn't cross my mind at any point during many months.

You deserve an explanation;

Around February of this year (2018) I knew that the study I was taking at that time wasn't for me. I was studying Religions/Philosophy of Life and everything was kind of garbage. My class was awesome but many of my teachers were the worst kind of people I have ever met in my life. 

And then one of my friends told me about the study Creative Writing at Artez here in The Netherlands. So I send in what they asked me to and I eventually got an e-mail back, saying that I made it into the first selection round. I was overjoyed.

I did all the homework they asked me to do and I felt like I was finally on going somewhere with my life. Because around that time I also felt like I was just throwing my life away. (read: something like a quarter life crisis).

I went to the first selection round and I met some awesome people. For the first time in my life I fit in straight away and I felt like I was where I was supposed to be. There were 200 of us so I didn't think I really had a chance.

That afternoon I went back, hoping that they would let me in to the second and final selection round.

A couple of days later I got the invitation. I made it to the final 50. 

I went to the school again. And I have never felt so unsure in my life. But as the day went by I started to feel a little more at ease. There was more tension hanging in the air though and I often felt stupid.

The thing I do when I feel that way is keep my mouth shut and turn inside my own head. Instead of answering questions in class and being active in discussions. Which isn't my strong suit to begin with.

I had the conversation thingy the next day.

That day I felt more confident and I was looking forward to it. I went in with a smile and went out knowing that I didn't make it in.

What happened during the conversation was that they asked me about the authors I read. So I answered, like I did on the other days, that Tolkien was my inspiration and that I love fantasy books. Not only those though, but they are my favorite kind of books. I love the magic and the feeling of being transported into another world by 'just' reading someone else' words.

Immediately all five people scribbled something down in their notes. Bad sign.

Then they asked about the opinion about a poem they had send all of us.

I answered that I felt like the main character in the poem was maybe a little tired and that is why he saw the world in such a fantastical kind of way. Everything around him turned into a living thing and I said that if we opened our eyes more often, that we would see the magic in every day life. 

Again, all five of them scribbled something down in their notes. At the same time.

Then the man who was kind of leading the conversation, asked: "Magic?"

I nodded. 

"Alright then. Thank you for coming in. You'll hear from us."

A couple of days later I got the e-mail saying that I didn't make it in. 

I cried and stayed in bed for two days straight. The one thing that I thought would give my life some sort of meaning, didn't happen. Basically it felt like they were saying: you are not good enough.

Now I look at it differently. Literature isn't my strong suit. I often find it boring, not always though, and that study was about literature. So duh of course I didn't really fit in with that particular study. I was around the sort of people I wanted to be around. That was it.

At that time I felt lost and I didn't know what to do with my life. I felt stuck. 

I was 23 years old and I felt like I had wasted my years because I didn't know what I wanted to do.

So I went to talk to a man who works at my school, who is working there as some kind of religious counselor. He is religious himself but you can come to him with all sorts of questions.

We had many conversations, but one thing that really helped me, was when he asked: Who decides where you have to be at 23? Who says that you are behind? Maybe you are on the right track, because you are following your own track at your own pace.

That was when everything started getting better in my head. 

I did continue with another study this school year because I kind of knew what I wanted to do. Because he also asked what I could see myself doing, since Artez didn't work out. 

I answered: I want to do something creative because otherwise I get bored. But I also want to help people. That surprised me because I thought that I was done with that.

Then he said: "You can get there through at least two paths; going to study Creative Writing and figure out to help people through that. Or, study Social Work and incorporate the creative side into that."

It clicked in my head. 

So now I am in my first year at Social Work and I have never been happier. These are also the kind of people that I want to be around and I am doing something that makes me happy and that I have experience in. 

Now, we get to Wattpad.

Due to the rejection from Artez, I really didn't feel like writing. And at first I thought that I was done with it, but now I know that I was avoiding it.

It felt as if I wasn't good enough so why should I continue to write? Every time I only looked at my notebooks, I felt insecurity taking over me and so I pushed Wattpad to the back of my mind.

Lately, I have been asked to write some little things here and there for different projects. And because it didn't feel like writing, I did and I felt confident doing it.

So starting today I am going to work on some stories and chapters again. 

For all of you who are still here. Thank you for staying with me!

For all of you who came back. Thank you for coming back!

And for all of you who are new. Good luck.

Love, Nathalie