Imagine Dwalin looking for a date on a datingshow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Welcome back to Dating in the Earthy Middle! I am your host, Legolas, and I am excited to introduce you to our new guest!" Legolas waits as the applause is at a max.

Who knew that one day he would be the host of the most succesful datingshow in Middle Earth? Not his father, that was for sure. The green lights shone on him as the camera came up closer to him.

"You may know him from the documentary he starred in; The hobbit. He was in all three of them to be precise." Legolas dramatically raised his hand in the air. "He is bold, he is the king's right hand, he has got some crazy tattoo's.... HERE IS DWALIN!"

He had to yell the last part because the crowd was going wild.

Many dwarves were in the audience today. All had come to support the intimidating dwarf.

Dwalin walked in, awkwardly waving at his friends. He wasn't really sure what he was supposed to do so he just stood in the middle of the stage.

Legolas noticed his unease so he rushed to his side. "Thank you for coming in Dwalin. How are you doing?"

The dwarf was shooting arrows at the elf next to him as he looked up. "Great, because of those two."

Fili and Kili waved excitedly at the camera. The youngest one even had the balls to wink at Dwalin. Their uncle had warned them before hand but they didn't listen to him. This may be their only chance to safely make fun of the older dwarf.

Afterwards they would have time to run. If Dwalin would find a woman he liked.

"I heard they were the ones to put you on this show? How nice is it to have family that wants to see you happy?" Legolas asked, trying to give it a positive touch.

Dwalin growled something incoherent. Some dwarves in the audience snickered.

"And on that note, Dwalin, you may sit here so that I can reveal the woman to our audience." The dwarf walked up to his seat after one last glare at Fili and Kili. Whom were now slightly regretting their decision.

A purple/pinkish wall came down from the ceiling so that Dwalin wouldn't be able to see the three candidates.

"Many of you have seen this show before but in case you are new, let me explain the rules to you. Dwalin over here isn't allowed to see the three candidates just yet. There will be three rounds to determine which is the best match.

In the first round the woman will introduce themselves. They are only allowed to use three words though, so they better choose them carefully." Legolas waits for the crowd to settle down again.

"Then we let Dwalin ask each woman one question. And I will have a small conversation with them before that. We do this so that our single man can really get to know the woman. And for the third round we have asked the woman to prepare something special for Dwalin."

"What kind of lingerie is it?" Nori yells. Dori hits him at the back of the head.

Legolas smiles. "No lingerie I am afraid. Dwalin has told us about one of his weaknesses and we will see what that is at round three."

"So it is lingerie" Kili whispered.

"Let us meet the woman before our audience can only think about underwear. First up, we have a woman whoms age I am not allowed to say out loud. She is tall, she can paint the stars from the sky and is a beautiful elf, HERE IS ELEANOR!"

The elves in the audience applaud loudly. Some dwarves clap to be polite but most of them keep quiet.

"What were they thinking?" someone mutters. 

Eleanor sits down on the first chair with a masjestic air in every movement that has some elves fainting.

Legolas tries not to look at her for too long. It is not him looking for a woman. "Our second woman knows her way around an axe, likes to go hunting and drinks more ale than a dozen male dwarves, HERE IS GRUNDOWEN!"

A male looking dwarven woman walks up on stage. It is not just the beard but her how built that reminds of a walking statue.

"She can eat him alive" Bofur says, looking at her with wide eyes.

"It is not just that she can, I think she will eat him alive" Bifur says in Khuzdul.

Thorin narrows his eyes a little as he leans back in his chair. He is starting to think that he should have stopped his nephews as soon as he found out they were signing his friend up for this show.

The chair squeakes as she sits down. Grundowen sat with her legs wide, weapons in plain view for everyone to see and an annoyed look on her face.

"How... lovely to have you here. Are you excited?" Legolas isn't supposed to be asking them questions yet but the dwarf doesn't appear to be that happy with the situation.

Grundowen shrugs. "I heard we were getting free dessert?"

Legolas chose to ignore this for now. "For our next guess we have a young woman who loves to read, bakes in her free time and has written some stories, HERE IS NATHALIE!"

(I know, I know. But there was no way I was going to let my hubby get on a dating show without me in it -_- )

The audience claps. Thorin focused his attention on the young woman that walks in. She has dark red hair and a pair of black glasses on her nose. She walks with her back straight but with a shyness about her that he finds adorable.

And so will Dwalin once he sees her.

It is that Dwalin isn't facing the audience or he would have signaled his friend to go with the third option. Definitely not the second. He would rather have his friend dating an elf than that woman.

"Now, Dwalin" Legolas walks around the wall so that Dwalin can see him, "you have already heard me describe the ladies. But they have come up with three words that they think would describe them the best."

Dwalin nods. "I have listened to your explanation."

Legolas nods. "I am happy to hear that. I feel like you are not a man of many words. Do you think that is why you don't have a wife yet?"

"Oooooooooh!" Nori teases. He leans in to Ori. "That elf has no idea what he just got himself into."

"Shhhh!"

The dwarf on the stage doesn't offer any explanation to the host. To the viewers at home and most of the audience, it looks like he is just not in the mood to talk.

And they are half right.

His brother, Balin, and his old friend, Thorin, could tell that he was hurt by that last comment. He never expressed it openly but he needed someone to love. Even if he didn't realize it himself.

"Maybe it is a good idea to let the woman talk this afternoon. Make yourself comfortable and just relax" Legolas says, clapping Dwalin on the back. He hurries to the other side of the wall. "And we start with Eleanor. How would you describe yourself in three words?"

The elf giggled and flipped her hair. "I am not sure. Perhaps; beautiful, optimistic and green-thumbs!" she says with her high-pitched voice. The words roll of her tongue like she has prepared them carefully.

"That sounds just lovely Eleanor. What do you think Dwalin?"

"Sounds like an elf" he grumbles.

"Let's continue with Grundowen. Maybe she has become a little more excited, we will find out. Grundowen, how would you describe yourself in three words?"

She first picked something out of her nose. Dori grimaced. "Good with axes, not in need of a man and I like to chop things."

Legolas fake laughs. "Those aren't exactly three words" he points out.

"Then you shouldn't make this first round so hard" she argues.

"And our final candidate is Nathalie. How would you describe yourself in three words?" He smiles kindly at her as she starts blushing.

"Well... I think I would say that I am; creative, kind-hearted and supportive." Her hands clench tightly around the fabric of her skirt.

"That sound like you are a great woman. Dwalin, you have now heard a little more of our three lovely candidates. Now it is time to find out even more. Because how can you choose someone if you don't know that much about them?

We will find out more after the commercial break." Legolas smiles his brightest smile as the camera man signals him that they are off the air.

On a gut instinct, Legolas walks up to Dwalin and sits down beside him. "How are you doing?" he asks genuinely curious to find out.

The dwarf eyed him up and down. "I don't know why this is necessary" Dwalin says eventually. A big sigh leaves his mouth.

Legolas thought about his next words before he opend his mouth to speak. This was a candidate who wasn't fully willing to be here. Anything Legolas said could be taken the wrong way and he would walk off.

"I think they just want the best for you. Don't you want to come home in the evening to find that there is someone there who loves you?"

It looks like he hit a weak spot. Dwalin tightens his arms around his chest and stares at something in the distance.

"Maybe one of these woman is that one for you. If not, then you have gained some experienced in this field. And maybe a woman is looking at the show and wants to get to know you. You never know."

Legolas tries to spot what kind of effect his words have on the dwarf but he doesn't show anything.

"We are ready to start again" the producer calls out.

"I'll be right there." Legolas gets up. "Look, just hear them out. If there is no one you like then you don't have to choose." He got up and turned towards the camera.

"Ready in 5-4-3-2-" The camera man signaled that they were back on air.

"Welcome back to 'Dating in the Earthy Middle' where today we have Dwalin whom is looking for a woman to warm his heart. Our three candidates have described themselves so now it is up to Dwalin to ask them each a question."

Legolas runs up to Eleanor. "Hello Eleanor, how are you doing?"

She smiled, staring straight into the camera. "I am doing great, thank you Legolas." Her voice is as sweet as honey.

"Good, good. In the first round you chose to describe yourself as beautiful, green-thumbs and optimistic. Can you tell us why you chose those words?" Legolas tries to stay professional even though the woman looks like a dream come true.

"Sure I can." Dimples appeared as she smiled. "Man love looking at me so it must mean I am quite a sight to behold" she said, followed by a giggle.

Male elves were swooning everywhere.

"I love to spend my whole day in the garden, telling the man what to do. And I am optimistic that they will listen to my every word" she continued.

"You don't even do the gardening yourself? Then how do you have green-thumbs?" Grundowen asked. Her eyebrows were raised as she looked at the elf.

"It is not your turn yet" Legolas told her.

"I am just saying that I don't need a man to do my work for me" she added stubbornly.

"Dwalin, what is your question for Eleanor?" Legolas asked after a signal from the producer. They had to continue.

The dwarf snorted on the other side of the wall. "I would like to know what it is exactly that she does do herself" he says more than asks.

"Oh, that is quite a rude question master dwarf. I'll have you know that I oversee everything that the man do in and around my house. That takes up a whole lot of my time. Why would I do anything else with my own two hands?" she asked.

Legolas' mouth dropped open just a little bit. "How many man have you got working for you?"

"Quite a few. You don't expect me to work, do you?" she asked, getting a little irritated.

"Of course not. Thank you, Eleanor. We continue to the woman sitting next to you. Grundowen, you like to hunt? How many times a week do you go out to hunt?"

Grundowen sighed loudly, rolling her eyes. "When I go hunting, I leave for a few weeks. You get the better prey if you follow their trail for a longer period of time" she explained.

Legolas turned to the audience and smiled. "That sounds great. What do you hunt for?"

Grundowen shrugged. "Packs of wargs, or moose, only if there is a lot of them. I am not wasting my time on one. I like to kill a lot of them in one go, you know? Nothing beats the feeling of their blood on your hands."

Eleanor moved her chair slightly away from her.

Legolas stares at the dwarf, blinking a few times. "Their blood on your- Of course... Dwalin? Any questions?"

Dwalin snorts. "Why are you looking for a man on this show?" He doesn't even try to hide is contempt.

"I am not looking for anything. Especially not a man. There was food. When are we going to get our food?"

Thorin and Balin share a desperate look now that the first two candidates are nothing they hoped they would be. "I have high hopes for the last one" Balin whispers.

Thorin isn't sure whether his adviser really has high hopes or just wanted his brother to find a wife. When he looked at the woman who threw themselve at his friend he was sure that the dwarf would never get married.

"I think what Dwalin means is; do you want to be in a relationship to begin with?" Legolas asks. He is sort of loosing his patience. They could have had a serious candidate sitting in her place.

"Not my intention" she says.

"Good to know" Dwalin growls from the other side.

Fili and Kili look at the woman with matching frowns. "This is not going the way we planned" Kili whispers.

The older brother stays silent for now.

"Nathalie, our last ho- I mean, you described yourself as creative, kind hearted and supportive. What did you mean with that last one?"

"I am sorry, it happens more often that people don't understand what I mean. With supportive I meant that I-"

"That you listen to people and have their backs?"

The audience and Legolas fall silent. This is the first time Dwalin says something during the show without being asked to talk. The host has to check to make sure it was really the stoic dwarf who had spoken.

"That is exactly what I meant" Nathalie says shyly.

"Good, that clears things up."

"If you really listened to what she was saying you would have known what she meant without asking" Dwalin says. He tries glaring at the elf but he was hidden behind the wall. Conveniently hidden.

Thorin raises an eyebrow as he hears his friend saying more than a few words in a small space of time.

"Dwalin, I take it you can't wait to ask your question?" Legolas asked, with a cheeky hint in his tone.

"I would like to know what the lass likes to do besides baking. You did mention that too, in case you forgot" Dwalin added with a smirk.

Legolas is starting to feel exhausted. When the producer told him they would have two dwarves on the show that night, he knew that there was surely going to be trouble. But how could they deny a bachelor?

Nathalie didn't give them enough time to continue arguing. "Besides baking I love to paint, draw, playing with my neighbors' children and walk around town."

"Why do you walk around town?" Legolas asks.

"Probably because the lass needs fresh air too and you can get that outside" comes the snappy remark from the other side.

"I give up for now" Legolas announces, throwing his hands in the air. "We have another commercial break for you and then we will be back with the final round. And we will find out who Dwalin wants to go on a date with. I'll see you in a minute!"

The camera zoomes out again.

Make-up people hurry up on stage to put fresh powder on everyone.

"Just one more round and I get to go home. One more round and there will be peace and quiet again." Legolas closes his eyes and focused on the words in his head.

"It is just the baking round now, right?" Nathalie asks. She looks at the other candidates with a small smile covering her lips. There comes no response from them. But Dwalin can still hear everything on the other side.

"Aye lass. I will taste your baked goods in a few minutes." There is a soft warmness to his voice that tells his best friends everything they need to know. It is clear who he will choose.

The camera's turn back on and Dwalin tastes all three cakes.

One is a carrot cake with fresh salad on top. He takes one bite and spits it all out. Though he does have the decency to not comment on it too harshly... at least, that is what he thinks. "Which idiot puts this in a cake?" he growls.

The next cake is one with... meat? Dwalin doesn't even want to know. He loves a good meat pie but this... There is an eye floating in the middle in something that appears to be a soup instead of a cake.

He shoves it aside and doesn't mind it at all that it falls on the floor.

Chuckles erupt from the audience.

And then, the final cake arrives. It is a strawberry cake with cheese filling and chocolate covering the whole thing.

(Don't ask me where the chocolate comes from in Middle-Earth. Just like you shouldn't ask me how they got electricity and television and all that good shizzle.)

Water fills Dwalin's mouth as it is placed in front of him. He takes a bite and closes his eyes in pure bliss. "This lass wins. I want to court her" he says dreamily.

Legolas tries not to laugh. "Are you positive this is the woman you want to meet? No one has talked about courting just yet" he says jokingly.

Dwalin smirks. "I am pretty sure I know who has made this. And I am going to marry that woman."

"You heard the man. You all know what that means. Say it with me!"

"GET THAT WALL OUT MY SIGHT!"

The two other woman are rushed off stage and the chairs are taken off as well. One woman remains. The wall slowly lifts up back into the ceiling.

Dwalin comes eye to eye with Nathalie. He smiles, taking her hand. "Aye, you are definitely the lass I am going to wed."

Applause erupts from the audience as the new couple walks off stage.