*** CHAPTER 42 ***

Sanskaar's eyes flutter open as he breathes in the misty fragrance of the surroundings and the cool breeze with a hint of drizzle splashes across his face. He can hear the leaves rustling and the wind whistling around the branches. Is that the sound of a forest that he can hear? Tar-dark surroundings greet him the moment he opens his eyes, and all he can figure out are the silhouette of his blurry surroundings. Breathing heavily, he tries feeling the surface underneath him, only to realize that it was something hard rock, something like, maybe a boulder, that he has been sleeping on. Grumbling, he hoists himself on his palms to sit up straight when he hears a chuckle. His heart soars with a feeling so surreal yet so familiar.

"Bhai, is that you?" The words escape Sanskaar's lips without even realizing.

And as a milky white light filters from tree tops cascading a shadow underneath, he finally gets a glimpse of Shlok standing behind a nearby tree. With a hum of agreement, he comes and sits beside Sanskaar, who still seems in a daze.

Sanskaar: Where have you been all this time? Do you even realize how long has it been since you visited me last? And what is this place? It is so different from before! Are you...

Shlok: Gosh, Sanskaar! Slow down. One question at a time.

Sanskaar: (rolls his eyes) Fine. Sorry. What is this place anyway?

Shlok: Somewhere better than where I have been before. What you are seeing right now is the realm that forestalls the proceeding of the lost souls towards afterlife. Only when I cross this realm, will I be able to enter afterlife.

Sanskaar: But... W-Why are you here?

Shlok: Because of you.

Sanskaar: Because of me? What did I do? And what about the place you were before?

Shlok: Those were the Dungeons of Obsidian. Any soul that might go astray or might become evil sooner or later is held captive there. I was held there because I had no hope of reaching the afterlife. I was held back somewhere in between and if I was not kept under control, there was a sliver of possibility that I might become evil too. That was until I found you.

Sanskaar: Me!?

Shlok: You and I are like two faces of the same coin, Sanskaar. You became the medium with which I could contact the world of living. If I say that you are my liberator, it will not be an exaggeration.

Sanskaar: (smiles) So, now that you are out of those dungeons and into this realm... It is a good thing, right?

Shlok: (chuckles) Of course, it is! Thanks to you, my dear brother! Now that I am able to enter this realm, this signifies only one thing that whatever you are doing out there in the world of living, you are in the right direction. You are a step closer to finding out what happened to me.

With that being said, reality hits him hard. Sanskaar sucks in a deep breath unsure of what he is supposed to feel. What an irony of life it is! Knowing that he is a step closer to the truth, he cannot help but realize that it means he is now a step further away from his brother. Once Shlok enters afterlife, he will never be able to see his brother ever again, not even in his dreams. But only when he enters afterlife, will his brother be able to enter the world of living again, only then Shlok will be able to born again. For sure, he will never see his brother ever again, but is that not better than having his soul lost forever!?

The pain that hauls incessantly at his heart will not cease to exist, but he will be at ease knowing that he has not failed his brother, that he is somewhere out there. Though not with him, but Shlok will be out there living a life as new as a blooming bud. Maybe if on the crossroad of life, they meet ever again, even if they do not recognize each other, he will always know that his brother will once again have a life that he so earnestly deserves. And the thought itself brings peace to his heart.

"What are you thinking now?" Shlok's voice brings his train of thoughts to an abrupt pause and Sanskaar turns to face his brother.

Sanskaar: Huh?

Shlok: Where are you lost? You have been silent for good five minutes, more or less.

Sanskaar: Um... It's nothing! I think now that I am on the right track, what should I do next.

Shlok: Ah, right! Regarding that...

And even before Sanskaar realizes what is happening, Shlok swings his arm and smacks the back of his head... like really hard! Sanskaar winces with pain and glowers at his brother holding the back of his head. This is the first time that his brother has hit him. Though, it is in his dream, but still, he feels that he has every right to get furious on his elder brother.

Sanskaar: Ow... Did you just hit me? Why would you do that?

Shlok: Hah! With all that you are doing, my dear brother, I think you deserve a couple more.

Sanskaar: What did I do now?

Shlok: How can you guys mess up the simple things so much? Are you and Swara crazy?

Sanskaar: It is not entirely my fault!

Sanskaar whines like a young baby who has apparently been wronged in every damn way possible. On one side, Swara is so damn adamant on pushing him away no matter how hard he has tried, and on the other side his brother is hitting him as if he is some naughty kid. Can life be anymore unfair?

Shlok: (takes a deep breath) I don't believe you both. It is such a simple thing. When you are in love, you are supposed to confess, not marry someone else. Gosh! You guys are so unbelievable!

Sanskaar: Do not even get me started on the confession thing! I have told her a million times already that I love her. The one I want is her. Is that such a difficult thing to understand? I do not know. She is so hell bent on this theory that her mind has somehow cooked-up that she is not the one meant for me.

Shlok: (sighs) She is scared, Sanskaar!

Sanskaar: Huh?

Shlok: Are you sure you are a teacher? You claim that you understand what your student's needs are, but here you have failed to realize the heart's desire of the one you love.

Sanskaar: I-I do not understand, bhai.

Shlok: She lost both her mother and father at such a young age. She is, undoubtedly, one of the most headstrong ladies I have ever met, but she has her own moments of vulnerability. You cannot even imagine how insecure she feels. Mind it, that does not make her a coward, just a little more human. We all feel insecure, Sanskaar and for Swara it is even more so because she has lost almost all her loved ones or the ones, she feels she was close to. And when it comes to you... You are the one she loves the most. Even your heart knows that she is undeniably and hopelessly in love with you. She is just scared that if she chooses to be with you, maybe she will end up losing you too. She needs an assurance, Sanskaar. She needs the strength. It is not that she does not want to hold your hand, she is just afraid thinking how long will she be able to hold onto you. She has chosen to let you go, if that is what is needed for you to be safe.

Sanskaar: You love her, right?

And takes Shlok aback.

Shlok: W-What are you saying?

Sanskaar: Do not try to deny, bhai. Even Maa told me once that you were about to confess.

Shlok: Does that even matter?

Sanskaar: (takes a deep breath) Of course, it does! Woah, I do not believe this!

Shlok: What is it?

Sanskaar: Is that fine to say that I am jealous of my own brother? You know her so well. I cannot even imagine how long will it take for me to understand her like the way you do.

Shlok: (chuckles) Well, in that case, I should be jealous of you too. Swara loves you more than anything else in this world.

Sanskaar: See! You have indirectly accepted that you love her too.

Shlok can feel a lump forming deep down his throat just at the memory of his love. It is true that when he married her, he had not been expecting much from the alliance. But then he fell for her, really hard. The time, no matter how small, he has been with Swara, has been the most magical one in his entire life. She has an undeniable pull about her. She has been like a warm, glowing home for his soul lost in despair. She is like an addiction. The more you desire, the deeper you fall. He, too, has fallen for all that she truly is. How could he not?

Shlok: Um... Can I ask you for one more favour? I know I have been asking a lot already.

Sanskaar: Why are you even hesitating? You know you can ask me for anything. What is it?

Shlok: Can you...

Sanskaar nods his head encouraging him to continue.

Shlok: Forget it. Just... Just let it be.

Sanskaar: What? Why?

Shlok: It is 5:00 a.m. already. I think you should get up, Sanskaar.

Sanskaar: But...

Shlok: I will tell you next time but you should really get up now. You would not want to miss this opportunity.

Sanskaar: Is that a promise?

But before Shlok can reply, he once again disappears into thin air and Sanskaar finds himself waking up. However, this is the first time ever that he has not woken up from his dream in cold sweat. Instead, he finds himself exceptionally calm as if someone has soothed out the storm raging within his soul.

✨

Tossing and turning on her bed for an entire night, Swara finally gives up. Her mind has apparently decided to play a game with her and despite all her efforts, it keeps drifting back to the times she has spent with Sanskaar, the moments she so deeply cherishes. She does not know whether it is something different about the place, or the situation has made it so, but the yearning she feels for Sanskaar is almost unbearable.

She has come to an agreement with her own self that letting him go is the best option but with all that has been going around lately, it has forced her to reconsider. Especially, the happenings of the day before. The way he stood up for her against his own grandmother, she knows that no matter what he will never let go of her hand... only if she is courageous enough to hold his hand first. The thought of seeing him with someone else, imagining someone else claiming his love has been wreaking havoc on her entire being.

Knowing that she will not be able to sleep anytime sooner or later, Swara takes a deep breath and gets up from the bed only to realize it is hardly ten minutes past 5:00 a.m. Dadiji has been insisting on having them share a room, but Annapurna somehow talked her out of it. Swara cannot be thankful enough for the alone time she so needed to sort out her thoughts.

Glancing out of the window, she can already see the daylight breaking from the embrace of the horizon. Maybe the morning air outside can help her ease this tightening feeling threatening to crush her heart mercilessly. Nodding to herself, she freshens herself up before wrapping a shawl around her shoulders and stepping out of the house and into the quietude of early morning.

A walk for about fifteen minutes or so and she can already find herself leaving the cluster of houses behind. With no specific place to go to, she meanders her way out towards the open fields and soon enough she finds a meadow as green as a velvet sheet spread out in front of her. She closes her eyes and inhales deeply as the sweet breeze with a hint of coolness welcomes her, and with the rising and falling of her chest comes a sense of calm that she so earnestly needs. Glancing back, she notices a couple of farmers toiling in their fields but their movements seem rather hasty as they rush back to the village finishing up their chores as fast as they can. It is then that she notices that clouds have begun to gather in the sky and soon it turns darker into gravel-grey.

She has hardly walked a couple of feet into the meadow when the first droplets kiss her cheeks. She quickened her pace seeking a shelter and hardly halfway through the meadow comes the heavy downpour. She is all set to sprint back when a jacket gets thrown on her head and all she can hear is, "Try not to catch a cold." Even before she can react, her hand is held and she is tugged deeper into the meadow and soon under a huge karanj tree.

Her heart leaps inside her chest as in front of her stands the person she has been expecting the least, or in all honesty she has not expected him even in her wildest dreams. Encaging her in between his arms and the tree, still making sure not to touch in any way that she may find undesirable, he stands there trying his best not to look at her. And that hurt her. It really did!

Swara: Sanskaar, what are you doing here?

Sanskaar: Do I need your permission for morning walk as well?

Swara: (shakes her head) I mean... What are you doing here at this place?

Sanskaar gulps and looks away deciding not to reply. Swara feels her heart swell up with a feeling so undecipherable yet so warm. He still loves her, right? Otherwise, he will not have followed her here. Her heart soars realizing despite all her faults and flaws, he does not hate her.

Swara: Did you follow me here?

Sanskaar: You are delusional. I did not.

And for the first time in a while, Swara smiles. He is so adorable and becomes even more lovable when he throws childish tantrums like that. The desire to have his eyes on her and only her wreaks her entire being. The way he has had stood up for her the day before has made her see him in new light. Deep down in her heart, she knows that for him, it was her, it is her, and it will always be her only. Overcome with longing and the desire to feel him, she raises her hand and holds his face gently.

Swara: Will you not even look at me now?

The sudden, unexpected touch holds Sanskaar rooted at his place as he sucks in a deep breath. Is he dreaming? Possibly, he is still sleeping and his mind is conjuring up all his fantasies and presenting it to him like this. However, as he hears her calling his name again, his heart chimes that all of this... this is not a dream but it is still too good to be true. What has gotten into her? He pulls himself away from her touch and finally looks at her.

Sanskaar: What is wrong with you?

Swara: I...

Sanskaar: You cannot play with me like that Swara. You were the one who pushed me away and now that I am trying to move ahead in my life, you are doing this again. You cannot stir up my feelings like that.

Swara: Sanskaar, you are taking it all wrong.

Sanskaar: I-I am taking it all wrong! When was this right in your eyes ever, Swara? At first you loved me because you thought that I was your husband. But when you found out that I was, instead you husband's brother, you tagged me as a betrayer. You refused to even look at me, Swara! Do you even realize how much have I struggled with my feelings for you? You cannot even imagine the guilt that gnawed at my entire being when I realized that I was falling in love with my brother's wife... the brother who is no longer in this world. I never word it out but it has never been easy for me either. I had never imagined that my first love will be this painful. You broke me, Swara, and you still are breaking my entire being apart bit by bit.

Swara: I-I'm sorry, Sanskaar. I...

Sanskaar: I do not need your apology, Swara. I love you! The only woman I have ever loved in my entire life is you! There I have said it again and I can say it a million times again. But now I cannot help but wonder... Did you ever love me? Even for a moment? Not the person who came impersonating as your husband, but the person standing in front of you. Did you ever love Sanskaar? Did you ever love Vidhaan, Swara?

And that holds Swara tongue-tied for a moment. The erratic beating of her heart threatens to explode her chest any next moment. She looks up to meet his eyes and finds them bloodshot with anguish and pain that she has caused him. He does not deserve this. They do not deserve this. Her heart screams with the love she has so desperately bottled-up inside. All she wants now is to embrace him tight and to never let go. What is it that she is fighting against? What is she scared of? She left him so that he can be happy, but clearly, he is not. Then what is the point of all this struggle, all this pain?

Her heart finally seems like getting an upper-hand over her mind. She cannot hold back anymore. She does not want to. If they have to fight, why can they not fight together? She scolds her stupid self. Why can she not realize this any sooner? She has messed up everything so badly. Her inner tussle is hindered the moment she hears a humourless laughter.

Sanskaar: See? You cannot even find the right words to deny. Do you know what this makes me feel? That you regret it. You regret every moment we have spent together. I decided to spend my entire life cherishing those moments, but your silence is tarnishing our memories, Swara. I cannot take this anymore.

And then the tears that he had been holding for so long break free. Swara's heart break the moment the first tear rolls down his cheeks. The heavy rainfall that has almost blanketed them whole pour down in full force as if trying to give them their personal cocoon, their own place of comfort where they can pour their hearts out. A place hidden from the nefarious, judgemental eyes of the world, where the shackles can be finally broken.

Swara: I do not regret them. I really do not. Those memories...

Sanskaar: There is no use talking about them now. I am to be married in a week, Swara. I think it is better if we head back.

Swara: But it is still raining...

Though she has made an excuse, deep down her heart she knows that she is just stalling for time. She is just trying to steal as much moments as she can.

Sanskaar: You can wait here but I do not think it is appropriate for both of us to stay here together. Anshika's parents will be arriving soon and I should be there to welcome them. Don't you think so?

With that being said, he secures his jacket around her once more and turns to leave without giving her a moment to speak. All this while, he has been trying to hold himself back from wrapping his arms around her and pulling her flush against his chest. All he wishes now is to feel her once again, but he knows she will not appreciate it. A moment longer in her presence and he might break the last thread of self-control doing something completely irrational. So, leaving is the best option right now.

Seeing him leave, shatters something within her. She finds herself almost incapable of fighting back the urge to throw every caution away and just run into his arms. She craves for his touch, those sensual kisses, and those soul-warming embraces. The desire to claim him as hers becomes almost intolerable. Without a second thought, Swara dashes towards him. Sanskaar has hardly taken a couple of steps away from her when she holds his hand, turns him around and tiptoeing to reach his height looks square into his eyes.

"I promise to win you back." That is all he can hear before she does what she has been craving for so long. She kissed him. She kissed him hard with all the pent-up passion and Sanskaar feels his breath knocked out of his body.

✨